{"id":110280,"date":"2020-07-10T11:10:00","date_gmt":"2020-07-10T15:10:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp.oviahealth.com\/guide\/110280\/an-enthusiastic-yes-clearly-communicating-desires-and-boundaries-in-the-bedroom\/"},"modified":"2022-12-01T00:15:36","modified_gmt":"2022-12-01T05:15:36","slug":"an-enthusiastic-yes-clearly-communicating-desires-and-boundaries-in-the-bedroom","status":"publish","type":"article","link":"https:\/\/www.oviahealth.com\/guide\/110280\/an-enthusiastic-yes-clearly-communicating-desires-and-boundaries-in-the-bedroom\/","title":{"rendered":"Clear communication is the backbone of consent"},"content":{"rendered":"

Being enthusiastic about sexual activity with someone who\u2019s enthusiastic about sexual activity with you is one of life\u2019s great pleasures. When you\u2019re on the same page as your partner – about what you want, about what they want, about what you want to do together – it makes for a great experience.<\/p>\n

Learn the definition of consent and what it looks like in the bedroom<\/h2>\n

The definition of consent is clearly communicating with your partner, by being honest and saying \u201cyes\u201d<\/a> to what you want and \u201cno\u201d to what you don\u2019t. Body language can also contribute to your answer.<\/p>\n

Clear communication with your sexual partner is something you should do in every sexual encounter, whether you\u2019ve just met someone and are fooling around for the first time or you\u2019ve been married for a decade and know every inch of your partner\u2019s body. This is because wants and desires can change from year to year, day to day, even minute to minute. This is normal and totally okay, so it\u2019s important to keep checking in about what you want and what your partner wants.<\/p>\n

Ask the right questions<\/h3>\n

When you\u2019re actually getting busy – from moving to the bedroom to removing clothes to getting even more physical – there’s a lot you can do to make sure that you\u2019re both consenting to the activity. Asking questions can be extremely helpful to get on the same page, like, \u201cWhat do you want to do next?\u201d \u201cCan I touch you here?\u201d \u201cAre you comfortable with this?\u201d or \u201cDo you like this?\u201d Being honest about what you want and really clear in your communication – like saying \u201cyes\u201d to the specific sexual activity that you want to engage in and \u201cno\u201d to what you don\u2019t – is also immensely important.<\/p>\n

Non-verbal communication counts<\/h3>\n

Non-verbal communication is just as important. What someone doesn\u2019t say<\/em> can speak volumes, so it\u2019s important that sexual partners can be attuned to each other\u2019s body language. If you\u2019re really listening – with your ears, with your body, with all of your attention – then you probably know when someone is giving you an enthusiastic \u201cyes.\u201d Things like someone not kissing back, pulling away, or pushing the other person away should be clear signs that the other person might not want to be engaging in a certain sexual activity.<\/p>\n

In a moment like this when someone seems uncomfortable – or if there\u2019s any doubt that they\u2019re feeling less than enthusiastic about the sexual activity – the other person should stop what they\u2019re doing. This is a time to check in, find out how the other person is feeling, and understand what they want. Asking \u201cWhat do you want?\u201d outright is a great first step. Questions like \u201cDo you want me to stop doing this?\u201d \u201cShould we stop? or \u201cDo you want me to slow down?\u201d can be really helpful too.<\/p>\n

Maybe means no<\/h3>\n

If consent is ever unclear – like some gives an uneasy \u201cMaybe\u2026\u201d or is quiet, just doesn\u2019t seem enthusiastic or seems uncomfortable – don\u2019t hesitate to ask about it. \u201cMaybe\u201d isn\u2019t a yes, and silence isn\u2019t a \u201cyes\u201d – and when you\u2019re engaged in sexual activity, you definitely want to make sure that both you and your partner are feeling positive about the whole experience.<\/p>\n

Consenting to one sexual activity, like kissing, doesn\u2019t automatically mean consenting to another sexual activity, like oral sex. Consenting to a sexual activity on one occasion also doesn\u2019t automatically mean consenting to it in the future. No one should ever be expected to do anything they don\u2019t want to do, be guilted or manipulated into sexual activity, feel pressure to say \u201cyes,\u201d or feel intimidated or afraid to say \u201cno.\u201d No one is ever owed<\/em> sex. Everyone knows what they want and are comfortable with and<\/em> is entitled to have their desires and boundaries respected. You should never be expected to do anything you don\u2019t want to do, and the same goes for your sexual partner.<\/p>\n

Talk it out<\/h3>\n

So remember, talk, communicate, ask questions, and listen. The best sex happens when everyone is communicating<\/a> clearly about what they want and need. And just as much as you want your partner to listen to what you want and don\u2019t want, what you\u2019re comfortable with and uncomfortable with, do remember to listen to them too.<\/p>\n

Sexual activity without consent is sexual assault or rape. You can learn more about that <\/em>here<\/em><\/a>. And if you\u2019ve think you\u2019re a victim of assault or rape, you can find help by calling the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or chatting online at <\/em>online.rainn.org<\/em><\/a>.
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