Dear Ovia, My partner of a few years isn’t sure if he wants to have kids and I know that I do. I thought he would change his mind on this as we got older, but he hasn’t…

I’ve had so much personal experience with this topic, this disagreement between partners happens so often! You’re not alone and it is SO tough. Every relationship involves compromise, but that level of compromise is up to you both. 

A big question: has your partner always maintained he’d like to be child free? Sometimes this feeling stems from childhood experiences, or his love for the life he has with you. Do these people change? Sometimes! But you can’t bank on it. The soul searching you have to do right now is your own. Can you live without being a parent? Will your relationship suffer because this need won’t be met? 

Many couples even take some time apart to ponder this exact question. If you take time apart, I would not frame the time you need as an ultimatum for him, but look at it as time spent evaluating your choices to be child free or seek parenthood another way. 

Parenthood is complex and life changing (I know there are some unicorn children out there, but most upend life as we know it). Having a partner who is all-in is amazing. There are so many people who are in your shoes waiting for that time to happen, but it generally can’t be rushed. 

More from this series

• Male fertility testing
• Dreams of a big family

Dear Ovia, How to deal with a controlling MIL who says horrible things to her son?

First of all, let me just say that I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. Pregnancy is challenging on so many levels (even if everyone is healthy), and having conflict within the most important part of your family must be super stressful. Let’s talk about your role in this. 

One of the biggest things that pregnancy and parenting changes is your primary relationship. Even though this question is about your mother-in-law, the solution can be found within your relationship with your husband. It’s his responsibility to set boundaries when it comes to his mother. This is obviously easier said than done, but at a bare minimum she should not be permitted to be hurtful to you or him in word or in action. And he has to lay that out for her.

She is going to need to hear what behavior is and is not OK when it comes to her relationship with him, with you, and with your growing family. And, unless you have an excellent relationship with her, she needs to hear this from him. I can imagine it’s going to be very difficult for him to set boundaries and consequences with her (especially if he hasn’t done this before), but I imagine this pattern is something that he wants to change as well. 

This shouldn’t be your burden! But it is your burden to get the conversation going with your husband and separate yourself from your mother-in-law as much as possible until that’s accomplished. 

If she is being verbally abusive and controlling, they may need more support than just talking as two adults. If therapy isn’t accessible to the two of them, is there a family member who is great with conflict resolution who could act as a mediator? A member of the community or a religious leader who could be present for this conversation? Now is the time to act on boundary setting for the wellness of your family.

Cycles of mistreatment can be broken, and hopefully your husband sees that there is some work that must be done — ideally as soon as possible.

Read more from this series

• How to get my partner involved in baby preparations?
• Will we still have time for each other?

Dear Ovia, How do I get my husband involved more with the baby if he’s not a “baby person”?

I hear you on this! I definitely had a partner who was terrified of the newborn stage. Too small! Too delicate! That soft spot! Ah! Not all stages are our favorites, and some general acceptance of that being normal may be helpful. If he’s excited about older ages and stages and doesn’t prefer where you are now, try not to judge the excitement factor. 

That said — it doesn’t excuse him from equal parenting, division of labor and (as you said) involvement. He can be less into a certain stage (it’s possible that you may not love a future stage when he’s all in), but he still has to be your partner and be loving and helpful. If dropping hints like, “The baby loves when you sing!” or “Can you read to the baby?” hasn’t worked, it’s time to up the ante. 

Consider asking that he be fully responsible for certain things. This means he’s the breakfast guru or the bathtime expert while you disappear. Having a sense of independence, bonding and responsibility will hopefully show him the joy of this stage, but at the very least it will allow him to relieve some of the pressure on you. Plus, sometimes it helps when a parent discovers their own way of doing things.

He should also have tasks like diaper ordering, meal planning, or washing pump parts — not just bonding activities. The mental load of caring for a baby is immense, and sharing these logistical tasks also counts as involvement.

Lastly, when you do things together as a family, try asking him to step into the role of wearing the baby, pushing the stroller or swing, etc. Often you may feel natural in those roles, but asking him to fill those shoes involves him and changes the overall dynamic. 

Read more from this series

• I’m just not in the mood
• Responsible for all the infant care

Dear Ovia, My partner and I generally have a pretty equal relationship/division of labor. Or we did before having a baby. But now all the infant care seems to fall on me and I’m starting to get resentful. Is this just the way it’s going to be?

First off, congratulations! Fourth trimester is such a life-changing time. Some people want to hold on to it fondly while others can’t wait to leave it behind. One of the biggest changes — that takes people by surprise — is how quickly your relationship starts to change. If these changes are making you unhappy or resentful, it is time to speak up!

Some things to consider:

• Who is on leave from work and how will you split time (if applicable)? Is your partner working and assuming when you go back to work roles will reverse? Or does he assume baby care is your “job” now? Exploring these ideas and the equity you felt you had previously are important! Is there anything you can lift from your pre-baby dynamic and integrate now?
• Are you breastfeeding? Infant care will more naturally fall on you in this case, and sometimes the work of pumping so that he can feed your baby may not make sense for you. Feeding choices are ever-evolving, so talk about the impact this has on you. Tell him how you’re feeling.
• Does he attempt to help? This is a big lesson for a lot of people in parenting. If your partner tries to help but doesn’t do it the way you want or the baby cries, etc., you may need to let it go and accept the imperfect. The most important thing right now is that you are able to pass the baton! 

Talking out your need for better division of labor and how things can continue to be more equitable in your eyes is so important. There is absolutely hope! Each phase of this child’s life will be slightly different, so even if infancy still feels tough — there are “easier” ages to share or rely more heavily on your partner. You deserve support, and I think you’ll get there!

Read more from this series

• I’m just not in the mood
• How do I get my husband more involved with the baby?

Dear Ovia, I’m worried about not having enough time for myself and my relationship when this baby gets here. How can I make sure we’re still feeling connected after baby get here (and don’t only talk about the baby, which has already started!)?

Kudos to you for recognizing that a major shift is happening — even before the baby’s birth! Early parenting advice focuses on what to do to prepare for baby, birth, breastfeeding, and beyond. It rarely centers the couple at the start of it all, and yet feeling positive about your relationship is so important for satisfied parents and a healthy family.

Your family will change, as you’ve noted, and that’s something to expect. The new human in your life will not just be an addition to your previous life, or something to “fit in.” It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, overjoyed or a mix of both by the responsibilities of new parenthood and how different life will be. 

Talking with your partner about how to maintain some time for yourself and your relationship is the best place to start. The type of leave you’ll both have from work and the support you have from other family and friends is an enormous factor. But even if you have very little outside support, you can start small, “Hey I hope I can decompress for a half hour and (insert hobby here) every Thursday when you get home early. What kinds of things do you still hope to have the flexibility for?” When it comes to your relationship, you may have to adjust your old ways of connecting depending on what kind of support you have, and how comfortable you feel leaving your baby when the time comes. It’s okay to want solo date nights or to adjust them to brunch. It’s also okay to feel like you can maintain and grow together with your baby around. Having an ongoing dialogue with your partner about what’s working will help!

And as for not only talking about the baby — well, that’s a tough one! Couples certainly make loving rules for themselves to set a timer for other conversations before they can talk about babies or look at pictures together. I know people who even read the same book simultaneously so they can have their own mini book club! But it’s also okay to laugh at yourselves as parents who just can’t stop talking about their baby, and appreciate that it’s a fairly normal instinct (kind of like looking at pictures of them after they’re asleep). This is still a way of being connected as a couple, it’s just a new and potentially unexpected one.

Read more from this series

• How to get my partner involved in baby preparations?
• How to deal with my controlling mother-in-law?

Dear Ovia, How do I tell my hubby that he’s the one who needs to get tested now?

This is such an important issue, and a surprising challenge for many people with a male partner. It’s been ingrained in our culture for so long that infertility is very likely a woman’s “fault.” And many people are genuinely shocked to learn that about half of all known cases of infertility have what’s called a male factor. Infertility is no one’s fault, and identifying medical issues that impact your struggle to conceive shouldn’t carry stigma, but I live in the real world with you, so I know that stigma is alive and well.

My advice is to be as dry as you can about it. If this is a first attempt, go basic, “Hey, doctors say the next step is a sperm analysis, they gave me the info for a provider for you.” Even though there are big emotions involved, this is a medical and clinical step. Keeping the conversation simple and medical can help. 

That said, you know your hubby best. Would it work best to make the appointment and tell him when it is? Or maybe to have your doctor explain that it’s the next step if he’s said he doesn’t think he needs to go get tested? Or to reassure him this is what everyone does at this stage? 

Again, we live in a culture that often connects fertility and feelings of pride. If he’s having trouble believing he may need medical help to conceive, there’s probably some grieving and acceptance that has to happen. 

More from this series

• Dear Ovia, My partner isn’t sure if he wants kids
• Dreams of a big family

Dear Ovia, I just got cleared for sex at my 6 week check up, but I’m just SO not in the mood…not sure what to tell my husband.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby! Fourth trimester is a whirlwind, and I’m so sorry the expectation of the big 6 week appointment has you in this position. There is really a shift happening to offer more healthcare support before and after this timeframe. Most people have questions about their recovery before 6 weeks, and ongoing needs for support afterwards.

Let’s be clear. It is 100% normal to feel like you are not recovered from birth at this point. It is 100% normal not to want to have sex. Your body is still undergoing hormonal and physical changes from birthing a human. If you are breastfeeding, this is even more pronounced. The majority of people experience low-sex drive and other symptoms (like vaginal dryness) because of milk-making hormones. Clearing people for sex at 6 weeks is — at best — a physical safety check. It’s outdated and almost never takes into account real healing and mental health (I hope your provider wouldn’t have “cleared” you if they’d known you felt this way). 

I can’t make assumptions about your husband’s knowledge about the postpartum period experience, but I am going to assume he’s a loving partner (if not or if you’re intimidated, tell him your doctor said it’s a NO GO at this point for safety reasons). In a low-key setting with your baby around, I’d tell him in simple terms that you are healing well, but aren’t ready physically or hormonally for sex yet. Straight and to the point. You love him and are happy, but don’t feel like your body is capable of that yet in an enjoyable way. 

If he responds to health information well, share the details about what happens to most people! Reassure him that many people aren’t having sex at 6 weeks, and even at 6 months. He might feel some feelings, and hopefully he will spare you any guilt. When you are ready to try, it’s helpful to explain that postpartum sex is different, and that you may need to pause or even stop mid-deed if things don’t feel okay to you. Be ready to talk about new positions, lube or intimacy that doesn’t involve penetrative sex. When you’re ready, this new stage can be an opportunity to explore new ways to be intimate together. 

Read more from this series

• Responsible for all the infant care
• How do I get my husband more involved with the baby?

Dear Ovia, I feel like my partner isn’t putting any effort into preparing for our baby. I’m running around trying to make sure everything is organized. I’m reading up on parenting styles. And he’s just so low key about it. It’s annoying me/dampening my excitement. How can I get him to care more?

I hear you on this one! It can feel especially overwhelming and annoying because when you’re pregnant, you’re also doing the lion’s share of the work.

Some food for thought

If you enjoy this preparation, don’t let his perceived lack of excitement about it dampen your spirits. Talk to friends, family or whoever else gets excited about buying furniture, clothes, books, etc. Think about times in your relationship when you didn’t have the same level of enthusiasm for something. It’s okay to be different — even though baby related things seem inherently exciting to you.

Lack of organization or prep at this point doesn’t equal not caring about this new chapter. Pregnancy often feels a little less real for the non-pregnant parent. There may be some major anxiety or uncertainty at play that he doesn’t care to burden you with. Many partners will also say that time is not as pressing — he may feel like he has AAAAAAGES to get things done, whereas you know that’s not the case! This is not meant as a series of excuses, but more of an encouragement to allow a clean slate when you begin talking (which is what you’ll need to do).

So, how can you get him more involved moving forward? 

Ask for what you need! Are you bored of picking baby items? Do you need something picked up or put together? Whatever you want off of your plate — delegate. We can all get tripped up on delegation (shouldn’t he know what to do without you asking him anyway?), but if you can start to let that go, you can begin to have fun with knocking things off your list as a team. 

If you’re worried he won’t get a task done, I’d encourage you to say something like, “The stress of “X” and remembering these details is a lot. I’m asking you to do this, and I’m not going to remind you. It’s off my list as of now.”

If you’re excited about preparing for baby as a way to spend time together, frame it that way. “I’d love to do this class together so that we can both learn about newborn care.” Finding ways to come together, even if it’s small — like listening to a podcast or picking out family pjs — just get the ball rolling. 

I want to end by saying this is not predictive in any way of how your partner will be as a parent! This is a very different phase than the one that’s coming, and it may be that his time to shine is yet to come.

Read more from this series

• Will we still have time for each other?
• How to deal with my controlling mother-in-law?

Dear Ovia, My husband and I have been trying for a third kid for the last year and a half. He wants to stop trying and says it’s taking away from us appreciating the beautiful babies we do have. But I’ve always dreamed of a big family and I don’t feel ready to give that up. 

First of all, secondary infertility isn’t something we talk about enough — and I hope this answer helps you know for certain that you’re not alone! 

So many families hesitate to talk about fertility struggles. And when you’re already parents you may feel the social pressure to just be grateful for the kiddos you have (which I am sure you are!). I’m here to tell you that feeling like there is an empty seat at your family’s table is a valid feeling whether you have 0, 1, 2, 3 or 9 children. The tough part is that you’re both having valid feelings — and they’re not the same. There may be middle ground in taking a break from TTC for a period of time or continuing to try for “X” number of months before starting a break. 

At the end of the day, it sounds like expanding your family is something that would make you both happy if it could happen with the wave of a wand. So, try to focus your conversations with him around the challenges of the journey (the process of TTC), rather than the destination (the decision to have another baby).

In any case, you need an ongoing and open dialogue, but it can be hard to find a good and private time to talk (especially when you have other children in the house). It’s common for people to either avoid tough subjects or to bring them up at times that are not conducive to conversation (like when you’re getting into bed). 

If you’re avoiding the conversation or one of you is bringing it up at less-than-ideal times, it’s essential that you create a space where you can both actively listen to each other. Try scheduling some time to talk, that way you can both come to the conversation prepared to share and listen. 

Having a disagreement hanging over your heads makes the whole situation more stressful.

Some tips:

• Avoid talking about it before bed when everyone is tired and sex is on the table. 
• Sometimes a drive is helpful because you have a little bit of emotional distance, can break endless eye contact, and sex is (usually) off the table. 
• Agreeing on how to move forward may take more than one discussion, but it should be simple to make a plan for more chats. Breathe, you’ve got this. 
• Fertility journeys start, pause, and end for a variety of reasons, and it often takes a toll. It’s always okay to look for more support from family, friends, or professionals. 

More from this series

• Dear Ovia, My partner isn’t sure if he wants kids
• Male fertility testing