Dear Ovia, My partner of a few years isn’t sure if he wants to have kids and I know that I do. I thought he would change his mind on this as we got older, but he hasn’t…

I’ve had so much personal experience with this topic, this disagreement between partners happens so often! You’re not alone and it is SO tough. Every relationship involves compromise, but that level of compromise is up to you both. 

A big question: has your partner always maintained he’d like to be child free? Sometimes this feeling stems from childhood experiences, or his love for the life he has with you. Do these people change? Sometimes! But you can’t bank on it. The soul searching you have to do right now is your own. Can you live without being a parent? Will your relationship suffer because this need won’t be met? 

Many couples even take some time apart to ponder this exact question. If you take time apart, I would not frame the time you need as an ultimatum for him, but look at it as time spent evaluating your choices to be child free or seek parenthood another way. 

Parenthood is complex and life changing (I know there are some unicorn children out there, but most upend life as we know it). Having a partner who is all-in is amazing. There are so many people who are in your shoes waiting for that time to happen, but it generally can’t be rushed. 

More from this series

• Male fertility testing
• Dreams of a big family

Dear Ovia, How do I tell my hubby that he’s the one who needs to get tested now?

This is such an important issue, and a surprising challenge for many people with a male partner. It’s been ingrained in our culture for so long that infertility is very likely a woman’s “fault.” And many people are genuinely shocked to learn that about half of all known cases of infertility have what’s called a male factor. Infertility is no one’s fault, and identifying medical issues that impact your struggle to conceive shouldn’t carry stigma, but I live in the real world with you, so I know that stigma is alive and well.

My advice is to be as dry as you can about it. If this is a first attempt, go basic, “Hey, doctors say the next step is a sperm analysis, they gave me the info for a provider for you.” Even though there are big emotions involved, this is a medical and clinical step. Keeping the conversation simple and medical can help. 

That said, you know your hubby best. Would it work best to make the appointment and tell him when it is? Or maybe to have your doctor explain that it’s the next step if he’s said he doesn’t think he needs to go get tested? Or to reassure him this is what everyone does at this stage? 

Again, we live in a culture that often connects fertility and feelings of pride. If he’s having trouble believing he may need medical help to conceive, there’s probably some grieving and acceptance that has to happen. 

More from this series

• Dear Ovia, My partner isn’t sure if he wants kids
• Dreams of a big family

Dear Ovia, My husband and I have been trying for a third kid for the last year and a half. He wants to stop trying and says it’s taking away from us appreciating the beautiful babies we do have. But I’ve always dreamed of a big family and I don’t feel ready to give that up. 

First of all, secondary infertility isn’t something we talk about enough — and I hope this answer helps you know for certain that you’re not alone! 

So many families hesitate to talk about fertility struggles. And when you’re already parents you may feel the social pressure to just be grateful for the kiddos you have (which I am sure you are!). I’m here to tell you that feeling like there is an empty seat at your family’s table is a valid feeling whether you have 0, 1, 2, 3 or 9 children. The tough part is that you’re both having valid feelings — and they’re not the same. There may be middle ground in taking a break from TTC for a period of time or continuing to try for “X” number of months before starting a break. 

At the end of the day, it sounds like expanding your family is something that would make you both happy if it could happen with the wave of a wand. So, try to focus your conversations with him around the challenges of the journey (the process of TTC), rather than the destination (the decision to have another baby).

In any case, you need an ongoing and open dialogue, but it can be hard to find a good and private time to talk (especially when you have other children in the house). It’s common for people to either avoid tough subjects or to bring them up at times that are not conducive to conversation (like when you’re getting into bed). 

If you’re avoiding the conversation or one of you is bringing it up at less-than-ideal times, it’s essential that you create a space where you can both actively listen to each other. Try scheduling some time to talk, that way you can both come to the conversation prepared to share and listen. 

Having a disagreement hanging over your heads makes the whole situation more stressful.

Some tips:

• Avoid talking about it before bed when everyone is tired and sex is on the table. 
• Sometimes a drive is helpful because you have a little bit of emotional distance, can break endless eye contact, and sex is (usually) off the table. 
• Agreeing on how to move forward may take more than one discussion, but it should be simple to make a plan for more chats. Breathe, you’ve got this. 
• Fertility journeys start, pause, and end for a variety of reasons, and it often takes a toll. It’s always okay to look for more support from family, friends, or professionals. 

More from this series

• Dear Ovia, My partner isn’t sure if he wants kids
• Male fertility testing