When my husband and I were dating, we envisioned a big family. We’d have three kids at least, maybe four or five, and we would have them as close together as possible so they’d all grow up as best buddies. 

Welcoming our first baby was exciting, but also overwhelming. While I wondered at first if I was really cut out to have a big family, within a few months he began to sleep and smile and I began to feel ready to try for baby number two. The only problem was that my cycle stubbornly refused to return while I was breastfeeding. It remained absent when my son began to sleep through the night, when he started solids, and even when I weaned down to a single nursing session per day. I didn’t ovulate until exactly two weeks after my son was nursed for the very last time. 

During those months I was constantly doing the math. I knew as soon as my cycle returned that my kids would be at least 27 months apart. That was six months (at least) more than I had hoped. But then the first time I got pregnant I had an early miscarriage and then it took a few months to get pregnant again. My first two kiddos, both beautiful, curly-headed boys, were born 2 years and 11 months apart. 

Though I still dreamed of close-in-age kids, my cycle played the same game after my second son, only returning after he was completely and totally weaned. And then I had another miscarriage and the spread of my kids’ ages expanded again. As my dreams of close-in-age kids slipped away, I began to wonder and worry about what it would be like to have a brand new baby as my oldest son got older and began to morph into a certified big kid. 

When I got pregnant with the baby that became my third child, I was a ball of anxiety about what it would be like to have an older kid and a baby at the same time. My oldest would be six and a half by the time she was born, and my second son nearing four. Would they care about the baby in front of them? Or about the toddler that followed them around when they were nine and six? Would they play together and feel close? Or would they, especially she and my oldest, be like passing ships, sharing only a few years they’d both remember under the same roof? 

I also wondered about my ability to parent kids in such different life stages. I imagined changing diapers on soccer game sidelines and juggling toddler tantrums and tween attitudes at the same time and wondered how I would possibly do it. 

It turns out I was wrong to worry at all. Having a big kid (or big kids) while having a baby was (and is) one of the coolest things I’ve ever done. Throughout my pregnancy with my third, my oldest son was old enough to understand what was coming and look forward to his sister’s birth. When I went into labor he held my hand and hopped into the pool when it was time to push. As he stroked her wet newborn head and tears sprang to his eyes in the seconds after her birth, I could already see just how special their relationship was going to be. 

I had another baby this spring, as my oldest approached his ninth birthday and my second son approached his sixth, but this time I didn’t worry, I already knew how great it was going to be.

My oldest son, and now my middle guy, are the best baby helpers in the world. During my most recent pregnancy, my oldest son watched videos and read books to prepare to help with the birth. He told everyone he knew that he would catch the baby and be “the very first person to touch him.” And he did! My middle son cut the umbilical cord and, since that day, they’ve argued about who gets to fetch the next diaper, who gets to read the little kids their bedtime stories, and who gets to pick their outfits for the next day. It’s not the relationship I imagined them having back before we had kids, but it’s a very special relationship. My big kids regularly call the baby (and the toddler) “my baby,” when talking about them with others, fuss at me if I’m not quick enough to soothe them, and sing them bedtime songs as I tuck in my toddler and nurse the baby to sleep. 

Managing their different needs has been easier than I thought too. While I do still have to juggle diaper changes during big-kid activities and events, having older kids and babies has given me a sweet appreciation for both phases of childhood. Now that I’ve seen how quickly nine years fly by, I don’t mind reading that ‘just one more’ book or walking very slowly with my toddler as she examines rock after rock. And, because I have a baby and toddler to compare my big kids to, I’m much quicker to recognize and celebrate the everyday magic that comes when a child begins to grow into their independence. 

While first-time-mom me imagined a house full of babies, toddlers, and preschoolers, I’m happy to say that what I ended up with is better than I ever could have dreamed. I’m sure there are all sorts of joys and benefits to having kids close together but now that I have big kids and babies at the same time, I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Read more by Julia Pelly

• It’s ok to helicopter parent once in a while
• What I learned about parenting as a teenage lifeguard

Dear Ovia, How do I get my husband involved more with the baby if he’s not a “baby person”?

I hear you on this! I definitely had a partner who was terrified of the newborn stage. Too small! Too delicate! That soft spot! Ah! Not all stages are our favorites, and some general acceptance of that being normal may be helpful. If he’s excited about older ages and stages and doesn’t prefer where you are now, try not to judge the excitement factor. 

That said — it doesn’t excuse him from equal parenting, division of labor and (as you said) involvement. He can be less into a certain stage (it’s possible that you may not love a future stage when he’s all in), but he still has to be your partner and be loving and helpful. If dropping hints like, “The baby loves when you sing!” or “Can you read to the baby?” hasn’t worked, it’s time to up the ante. 

Consider asking that he be fully responsible for certain things. This means he’s the breakfast guru or the bathtime expert while you disappear. Having a sense of independence, bonding and responsibility will hopefully show him the joy of this stage, but at the very least it will allow him to relieve some of the pressure on you. Plus, sometimes it helps when a parent discovers their own way of doing things.

He should also have tasks like diaper ordering, meal planning, or washing pump parts — not just bonding activities. The mental load of caring for a baby is immense, and sharing these logistical tasks also counts as involvement.

Lastly, when you do things together as a family, try asking him to step into the role of wearing the baby, pushing the stroller or swing, etc. Often you may feel natural in those roles, but asking him to fill those shoes involves him and changes the overall dynamic. 

Read more from this series

• I’m just not in the mood
• Responsible for all the infant care

Infants

Certainly, we don’t have to tell you that very young babies need a lot from you — they eat often, require frequent diaper changes, and also love attention and being close to you. And they’ll certainly cry and let you know when they’re not feeling their happiest. But there’s a lot you can do to give your baby what they need, get in your daily quota of baby snuggles, and still get work done.

• Take advantage of nap time. When your little one is snoozing, thankfully, you’ll know that you can get in some uninterrupted work time. This is the time to check off those tasks that require deep focus or full attention. If you have a good sense of when your little one usually naps, you can plan ahead for these focused periods of work. 
• Keep your baby close. This might mean wearing your child in a carrier (which many babies love because they can be close to you, get in extra snuggle time, and even feel soothed by the motion of you moving around), which can give you some hands-free time to work. This might also mean working near your little one as they play on the floor near you or in a safe playpen. They’ll be happy to have you nearby, and you’ll know when they really need you. 
• Make focused time to connect. Your baby may be plenty happy just hanging out nearby, but they also really benefit from quality time when they have your full attention. So make sure to take a break here and there to fully focus on your little one. You might read them a book, play peek a boo, or cheer them on for tummy time — you’ll probably love the break from work as much as they will. 

Toddlers & preschool-aged kids

Slightly older kids need just as much from you, just in a different way. They might not technically need to eat as frequently or have diapers changed as often, but that third request for a string cheese or the potty accident you need to clean up might still make it feel like you can’t get a break from childcare long enough to get any work done. They also need just as much attention from you, and can let you know clearly how they feel about you splitting your focus. But hearing “Why do you have to work so much?” or “You never play with me!” may not be the cheerleading you need right now. Here’s what you can do to help keep them entertained, engaged, and feeling like they’re getting the attention they need from you — and so that you can feel confident finding balance. 

• Get on their level. You may not be able to do this all day, but if it’s possible for you to spend some time doing some work at your child’s level — maybe sitting on the floor with your laptop beside where they’re doing a puzzle, or alongside them at the table while they play with clay — they’ll feel happy and secure knowing that you’re so close. If you check in occasionally — to tell them how proud you are that they’re sticking with a challenging puzzle or to ask them if they’re making something new with their clay — they’ll also feel like you’re engaged in their play and they’re getting the attention they need. They may even be less likely to beg you to join them to play approximately one million times if you’re already right there.
• Help them find fun. Children at this age still don’t have the longest attention spans, and while they may, occasionally, stay really engaged in an activity that they’re excited about, it’s very common for them to want to bop from one set of toys to another. To help them embrace this curious energy, give them the freedom to choose what to explore (most little ones love choices!). This is not only exciting for them, but it also means you’re not constantly coming up with playtime activities. Try setting up little “stations” intended for different kinds of play that they can explore on their own while you work. Not that your living room suddenly needs to become a classroom, but if you think of a typical preschool space with an area for dolls, an area for art, an area for blocks, and so on, then you might get the idea. You can keep it simple by making a few different types of toys or play materials available to your little one — on a table, the floor, in small baskets, whatever is easy for you and accessible for them. Then your child can play a little with one, explore another, and, hopefully, let you get some work done. Over time, you may want to rotate out these toys on a regular basis so that your child feels like a toy is“new” even if they just haven’t played with it in a while.
• Focus on quality, not quantity. Kids at this age may be very vocal about wanting you to play with them and not work, which can be very tough to hear. Providing a little attention can help avoid “Why won’t you play with me?” questions. If possible, take a few moments throughout the day to step away from your work and really focus on engaging with them, free from other distractions. Worry less about how much time you can spend with your child and focus instead on really engaging with them when you do spend time together. Sit down where they’re playing and ask what they’re doing. Jump in and play along, but let them continue to take the lead. Find time every day to read a story together, and ask them questions about the characters, the plot, or the illustrations as you go. You could even cook a meal or take your dog for a walk together — those things you have to do anyway can be tons of fun for your child, and a special time you can both spend together consistently. 

Certainly, everyone’s job responsibilities are different, and everyone’s child has different ideas of what quality time looks like. No matter what, know that if you’re figuring out how to juggle your work and caregiving responsibilities, you’re not alone. You don’t have to aim for perfection, just whatever it takes to get through the day. You’re doing a great job.

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Care Team

Sources

• Corinn Cross. “Working and Learning from Home During the COVID-19 Outbreak.” American Academy of Pediatrics. American Academy of Pediatrics, June 16 2020. Retrieved Sept 30 2020. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/COVID-19/Pages/Working-and-Learning-from-Home-COVID-19.aspx.
• Damon Korb. “Age-Based Tips to Help Juggle Parenting & Working at Home During COVID-19.” American Academy of Pediatrics. American Academy of Pediatrics, June 16 2020. Retrieved Sept 30 2020. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/COVID-19/Pages/Tips-to-Juggle-Parenting-and-Working-at-Home-COVID-19.aspx.

Starting solids is an exciting milestone for you and your baby. They’re about to embark on discovering new tastes and textures. But how do you know when your baby is ready to start solids?

Although many babies are ready around 6 months of age, every baby is different. Not all babies are ready for solids at a certain age or weight. Instead, pay attention to your little one’s developmental signs to clue you in that they may be ready for solids.

Here are the top six telltale signs that your baby is ready to explore solid foods.

1. Baby can sit upright without your help.

This means that if you place Baby on the floor in a seated position, they can stay upright (with decent posture) for at least 10-15 seconds, ideally longer. This trunk and head strength is crucial for learning to eat solids safely. Imagine trying to eat while wiggling and wobbling everywhere. And if your head slumps forward, it’s tough to chew and swallow safely. For success and safety – this is #1.

2. Baby can grasp objects.

Whether they’re grasping a rattle, reaching for your glasses, or even grabbing your spoon, when baby’s able to grasp objects, that’s a sign that they’re developmentally ready for solids. They don’t need to have a certain type of grasp (like the pincer grasp) mastered. All that matters is that they’re using some type of grasp.

3. Baby opens their mouth wide.

We’ve mentioned grasping, but how about bringing that object to their own mouth? If Baby is lifting a toy, spoon or other object to their mouth, that’s a really helpful skill as they learn to feed themselves.

4. Baby has the needed hand-eye-mouth coordination. 

This involves several of the signs we’ve already listed above. Baby needs the coordination and skills to look at the food, grab the food or a spoon, pick up the food or spoon, open their mouth, place the food inside, clamp down on the food, and swallow. 

This is especially important if you want to start baby-led weaning, where Baby feeds themself.

5. Baby’s tongue reflex has changed.

Babies are born with a “tongue-thrusting” reflex that helps them push food out of their mouth. But once babies are ready for solids, they outgrow this “tongue-thrusting” reflex. At that point, instead of pushing food out of their mouth, their tongue learns to move food to the back of their mouth, and they are able to swallow. This coordination takes time, which is why the first month of solids often involves lots of trying and not a lot of eating.

6. Baby is interested in your family’s food.

Is your baby eyeing you closely as you munch on your dinner? Are they intently looking at solid foods? Then, they’re probably eager to try solid foods of their own. The same goes if they reach for and try to grasp at the food you’re holding — or try to swipe your fork or spoon. They might also imitate the chewing motions or lip-smacking that they see you make at the table. Keep in mind that this sign alone is not enough to start solids. Some babies may take an interest in your food from very early on, and some foods are not safe or appropriate to share!

When starting solid foods, you can typically use the family meal once a day. Breastmilk and/or formula is still Baby’s primary source of nutrition during the first year. Serving allergens early and often once you start solids may have a protective effect against later food allergies. If your baby or family has a history of food allergies, then talk to your pediatric provider about what steps to take.

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Understanding gender and orientation

The first step to being a good teacher to your child when it comes to explaining gender and orientation is making sure you are a star student. That means reading up on the latest terminology and trends, challenges and celebrations of people in the full range of diversity. Visiting LGBTQ+ organizations’ websites is a great way to start, as is joining some LGBTQ+ or ally parenting groups on social media and reading the conversation threads. Taking time to digest the relevant news and background is an important way to prepare to then impart that knowledge to your child.

Keep it casual

Conversations about gender or orientation with your child do not need to be serious or warrant standalone formal family meetings. Incorporate those learning moments into everyday life in real-time. This will both help contextualize the discussion and embed the topic into mundane moments – because gender and orientation are very much a normal part of our everyday lives!

For instance, if your toddler says, “You can’t do that! That’s for boys!” This is the perfect teaching moment to let them know that there is no such thing as activities, toys, clothes, behaviors that are inherently for girls or boys. You can give some examples of people you know who buck those stereotypes. Or else seek out media, TV shows, movies, books, or games that offer a different perspective. Watch or read with them and take time to discuss. 

It comes down to using plain language to describe what are really some basic concepts. Gender is who we know ourselves to be. It exists on a spectrum and can even change. Orientation is who we love, whether romantically or sexually or not, and it’s based on our gender. It’s that simple. Kids get it.

Teach affirmatively 

Rather than pointing out what your child is saying or doing incorrectly, or talking about the hardships that people face when they don’t fit into the status quo, lean into more affirmative postures when you talk about gender or orientation. 

Actively communicate with them about how there are different types of people in the world, people who represent all the colors and shades of the rainbow and everyone in between. Explain across a broad spectrum when it comes to how people act or look or dress, as well as who they love. Listen to their questions and observations and affirm them, while adding to what they say to deepen their understanding of identity, and of gender and orientation.

Give them room to explore

Kids like to explore and they like to pretend. It’s how they begin to make sense of this chaotic and confusing world, and importantly, it’s how they begin to discover who they are and understand what their place in this world might be. 

Give your child the freedom, space, and support to explore. They might want to wear a tutu one day and a construction hat the next. Or both at the same time! They might say they are a girl one day and a boy the next. They might say they want to marry a girl or a boy. There is no need to attribute any of your own biases onto their innocent reflections and feelings. Simply let them be and love them fully.  

Some of these conversations may feel uncomfortable for us, but kids are actually well-equipped, maybe even better equipped, than adults, to comprehend the world’s natural diversity and to embrace different types of people. Perhaps the most important thing we can do is let them teach us!

Read more

• Birth certifications and second parent adoption
• Celebrate Pride all year long with these inclusive LGBTQ children’s books 

My daughter is nine years old, and it seems like all her peers are busy juggling after-school activities like a teen would a part-time job. I hear my co-workers on the phones with their spouses trying to determine who’s going to take the kids to their activities. I struggle to coordinate schedules with other moms as we try to plan for playdates. Monday’s the kids have soccer, Tuesday it’s dance, Wednesdays are for piano, and Thursdays are for extra math practice. Throw in the hockey tournament all weekend and it’s amazing that anyone can still find the time to breathe.

A lot of parents feel that they’re doing their children a disservice if they’re not exposing them to a number of activities at a young age. “How will they know what they’re like if I don’t have them try?” they’ll say. “We come from a family of basketball players so our child will definitely play travel and town ball.” But this has always made me uncomfortable. I’m all for extracurricular participation if the child is on board, but I really feel that some misguided societal and parental expectations – the belief that being busy in this way is good for a child and more activities equals more benefit – are driving many of these choices for families today.

There are, of course, a lot of valuable lessons that a child can learn through involvement in sports, the arts, or any number of other activities. However, I think that the right amount of involvement for a child is something that has to be individually determined. How much is beneficial? How much is too much? Children have different strengths, varying levels of comfort and anxiety, and I think it’s important to listen to them when making these decisions.

While attending my daughter’s third-grade open house, many of the parents were taken aback when the teacher asked us to limit our children’s extracurricular activities during the school week. This was the first time that someone from our school had ever said these words to parents. I thought that it was an important request, and I was so relieved to hear a teacher stand up for something that I have always believed – that kids need balance. They need time to play and relax. Their lives should not be constantly in motion. I looked around the room when she said this, wondering how her words were being received by the other parents. Would they listen? Did they think she was out of line? Did anyone else feel as relieved as I did?

Children work so hard academically and socially during the school day. So while their lives outside of school should be sprinkled with extracurricular activities, I really believe that they shouldn’t be drowning in them. These activities, especially at the lower levels, should be ones that they enjoy. As they grow older, their skill levels will certainly advance – and pressures to succeed or perform well may build too – but kids are never going to be passionate about an activity if they don’t find it fun! So I think as parents we should make sure our children feel positive about their activities of choice.

At one time, my daughter was doing dance, gymnastics, running, and playing tee-ball. But soon she was exhausted and often complained of not wanting to attend her extracurriculars. We couldn’t even easily determine which activities she actually enjoyed because she seemingly hated all of them. Really, she was just overwhelmed.

And when we stopped to consider how she was spending her time, we realized that she just didn’t have much downtime. The American Academy of Pediatrics says that free play is crucial in the development of a healthy child, and it reaps benefits like conflict resolution and decision-making skills. Many structured activities just don’t allow for the same freedom and creativity that unstructured time does, and I found that I had been undervaluing the importance of unstructured time for my own daughter. It turned out that she only disliked all of those extracurriculars because what she really wanted was time to read with me, or play dolls in her room, or just relax at home.

All families need to navigate this in a way that’s best for them, but what was our solution? We agreed that she should limit herself to one exercise-based activity per season. And, if she wanted to, she could also choose a hands-on activity, like pottery class. But that would be our limit. My daughter, loveable and positive, but sometimes anxious, certainly benefits from involvement in extracurricular activities, but finding some sort of balance was key for us.

It’s important to remember that it’s not a competition. You are not more or less amazing because of the number of activities that your child is involved in. They will not be more or less successful as adults based on the activities they choose at age eight. Sports and other extracurricular activities undoubtedly teach important lessons: teamwork, creativity, compassion, drive. But it’s our job as parents to educate the whole child. So be your child’s number one cheerleader. Be their best coach. Never lose sight of what is important, and always lend an ear to your child’s needs. Our goal as parents is to raise caring, responsible children. How exactly our kids get there – and the extracurriculars they participate in along the way – is trivial.

About the author 

Kristen Havey has been a special education teacher for the past decade and her daughter’s biggest fan for just as long. Kristen runs mountains, trails, and roads in her spare time. She also loves hiking and the ocean. She is a master of multitasking and always hungry for her next adventure.

My daughter used to be involved in quite a lot of extracurricular activities. At one time, she was doing dance, gymnastics, running, and playing tee-ball – and it seemed like all her school-age peers were doing the same. Extracurriculars do provide a ton of benefits for children, so it’s no wonder that many parents want to make sure their kids get involved. But too much is, well, too much.

All children have different strengths, varying levels of comfort and anxiety, and it’s important to listen to them when deciding what’s right for them. When my daughter was busy with all of those activities, she was exhausted and often complained of not wanting to even attend her extracurriculars. We couldn’t even determine which activities she actually enjoyed because she seemingly hated all of them. Really, she was just overwhelmed.

I soon realized that she just didn’t have much downtime and that I had been undervaluing the importance of unstructured time for her. It turned out that she only disliked all of those extracurriculars because what she really wanted was time to read with me, or play dolls in her room, or just relax at home.

All families need to navigate this in a way that’s best for them, but our solution was that she should limit herself to one exercise-based activity per season and, if she wanted to, she could also choose a hands-on activity, like pottery class. But that would be our limit. You have to figure out what’s best for your own child, but the following are some tips that I’ve found beneficial when navigating extracurriculars with own daughter. Finding some sort of balance is key, and here is what works for us:

Start the conversation

Talk to your children. What do they want to play or attend? What do they know about that activity? Why do they want to be involved? Show them videos of sports or activities that they might not be familiar with. Take them to watch a soccer game or try out a pottery class. I personally found that my daughter’s dad and I were suggesting a lot of activities that we had experience with. But my daughter had ideas of her own, and by listening to her, she opened up our eyes to opportunities that we hadn’t even considered.

Buddy up!

Many children are anxious about trying a new activity with a group of kids that they’re unfamiliar with. So if they’re able to check out a new activity with a friend, it can make them feel that much more confident. One familiar face can be a game changer when it comes to taking risks or being comfortable asking questions. I found that my daughter felt a lot more comfortable and a lot less in the spotlight when she signed up for basketball with a friend. She also always had a partner for court drills – no pressure there!

Check in

Ask your children how things are going. What specifically do they like about their activity? What things aren’t going well and why? Frequent check-ins will ensure that everyone is on the same page and that your kids are in activities that they want to be in, not activities where they just go through the motions in order to please. How might you know if the activity isn’t working out? You might notice that your child seems distracted during their activity. You might also observe – or your child might tell you – that they are having a lot of trouble keeping up. Often times, kids will even just come out and tell you that they’re not enjoying themselves anymore. But it’s not the end of the world! From lacrosse to coding, there are so many other fun options out there! Observe your child’s strengths. Start a conversation about new desires, then choose something new to try as a team.

Read your child

Have they been sleeping well? Is their homework being completed on time? Check in with teachers. How is your son or daughter doing? There is often a fine line between involved and exhausted. Where does your child fall on this spectrum? If your child seems to be doing too much, you may need to limit or adjust the number of activities that they’re involved with. As a parent, I am always on the run! I definitely need to remind myself that my child is only nine and that her needs and limits are much different than mine.

Lead by example

What are you passionate about? What are you doing to exercise these passions? It’s easier to encourage your children to be involved if they can look to you as an example of someone who is pursuing their own passions. And is there a passion that you and your child share? Maybe you can join a book club together or train for your first race as a team.  My daughter and I run together, and it’s something extremely special that we share.

Find balance

Spoiler alert – this is not a competition! You are not more or less amazing because of the number of activities that your child is involved in. They will not be more or less successful as adults based on the activities they choose at age eight. Sports and other extracurricular activities undoubtedly teach important lessons: teamwork, creativity, compassion, drive. But it’s our job as parents to educate the whole child. So be your child’s number one cheerleader. Be their best coach. Never lose sight of what is important, and always lend an ear to your child’s needs. Our goal as parents is to raise caring, responsible children. How exactly our kids get there – and the extracurriculars they participate in along the way – is trivial.

About the author 

Kristen Havey has been a special education teacher for the past decade and her daughter’s biggest fan for just as long. Kristen runs mountains, trails, and roads in her spare time. She also loves hiking and the ocean. She is a master of multitasking and always hungry for her next adventure.

“What are you having?” “Boy or a girl?” “Do you know the gender?” As soon as a parent reveals that they’re expecting — whether physically via a bump or by sharing the news — they are flooded with questions about their child’s gender. Friends and family will use their answer to determine what color onesies they should buy (blue or pink), the toys they’ll gift (trucks or Barbies), and the color dye they’ll use for the gender reveal party cake. And that’s all before the child is even born! After birth, children quickly internalize gender expectations around what girls and boys look like and wear, as well as how they should act. 

Some parents, in an attempt to avoid limiting their children’s growth and interests, are leaning into gender creative parenting. Read on to learn what gender creative parenting is, exactly, and how it can benefit kids. 

What is gender creative parenting? 

 Also known as gender neutral parenting, gender creative parenting is the broad term used for parents who are actively working to avoid imposing gender-expectations on their children. The leading thesis behind gender-neutral parenting is that a child’s genitals do not dictate what activities they do, how they act or what they wear.

Some parents practice gender creative parenting by buying a variety of clothing and toys for their kids, allowing the child to decide what they wear and what they gravitate toward. 

Other parents do their best to remove gender stereotypes from their home altogether. The parents in this latter group might name their children gender-ambiguous names like Sky or Jordan, use they/them pronouns for their child, and choose to label their child’s gender as “X” on the birth certificate, something currently allowed in six states. These parents wait for their child to tell them what gender, if any, they identify with. 

What’s the point of gender creative parenting?  

Despite what nay-sayers and gender-essentialists may believe, parents do not raise their kids gender-neutrally as a political statement. They do it to give their children the opportunity to become as expansive as possible, without the limitations of gender-bias. 

After the publication of a 2017 study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, which suggests a relationship between rigidly enforced gender stereotypes and physical and mental health risks in young adults, some parents have chosen a gender-neutral parenting route to promise the overall wellbeing and health of their child. 

How to implement gender creative parenting

As a parent, your work on gender creative parenting begins before your children are born, and continues as they grow up. 

1. Do your research. 

Gender creative parenting requires that the parents understand what gender is, as well as the ways in which gender-based biases can negatively impact the growth of all children. A good place to learn this information is with classic Gender 101 studies texts like Gender Trouble by Judith Butler and Gender: Your Guide by Lee Airton. A must-read account of gender creative parenting is Raising Them by Dr. Kyl Myers.

2. Explore your own gender and gender biases. 

If you’re interested in gender creative parenting because you’ve already explored your own gender and unpacked your internalized gender biases, skip this step! Otherwise, prior to becoming a parent, it can be helpful to question your own gender as well as consider the ways in which gender-based assumptions have impacted you. 

To do that you might: 

• Follow people from across the gender spectrum on social media. 
• Listen to podcasts on gender and sexuality like Gender Reveal, En(ba)by, Bad in Bed. 
• Read gender memoirs like Sissy by Jacob Tobia, Redefining Realness by Janet Mock, and Amateur by Thomas Page McBee.

3. Outline your parenting approach

Again, there is no single way to raise a gender creative child. Whether you’re parenting alone, with another individual, or with a community of co-parents, it’s important to agree on what raising a gender-neutral child will mean to you and your family. 

Before the child is born, you want to be able to answer questions like: 

• Do we want to find out the sex of the child before they are born? Who, if anyone, will have access to that information? 
• What are we going to name our child? Will we choose a name that is not traditionally used for one gender category? 
• What pronouns will we be using for the child? 
• Will we explain gender stereotypes and expectations to our child? How? At what age? 
• How will we push-back against the gendered messages they receive outside of the home? 
• How will we respond to other people who try to impose gender stereotypes on our child?
• How will we combat the rigid gender expectations of society? Of school? Of extracurricular activities?

If you’re unable to come to a conclusion on your own, consider hiring a therapist who specializes in working with non-traditional families or the LGBTQ+ community. 

4. Think about the language you want to use 

Often in parenting we use gendered language, especially when praising or cheering on your child. In traditional parenting, praising and punishing your child are two of the main times gendered language comes up. For example: “You’re such a strong girl!” and , or “What a smart little boy you are!”. 

Especially if you were raised in an environment that used gendered language, it’s easy to fall back into these gendered phrases, unless you have an alternative top-of-mind. Making a list with the qualities you want to help nurture in your child can be helpful. 

5. Form a community

As the saying goes, it takes a village, and that stands for parents using all kinds of parenting philosophies. So, if possible, try to find a group of other gender creative parents to be in community with, either online or in person. 

To find an in-person group, try Googling “gender-neutral parents near me” or “gender creative l playgroups near me”. Another option is to hit up MeetUp.com or to ask the leader of your local parenting groups. To find an online support group, put out a call on social media, or to introduce yourself in the comments of social platforms run by other gender creative parents like @RaisingZoomer. 

This content series was created in partnership with Family Equality, an organization advancing legal and lived equality for LGBTQ+ families and for those who wish to form them. Learn more at https://www.familyequality.org/. 

Being a good parent can take many forms. It means wiping away the tears and applying the band-aids after the slips and falls. It also means supporting your child on their journey to self-discovery. For some, this will include supporting them as they explore their gender or sexual identity or expression. 

Whether you have a child that identifies as LGBTQ+ or you want to be prepared for the possibility that they may identify as LGBTQ+ when they’re older, there are steps you can take so that they can feel free to be themselves and confident that you have their back. We know that just one accepting adult in an LGBTQ+ child’s life can reduce the likelihood of suicide by 40%, according to a study from the Trevor Project, an LGBTQ+ anti-bullying organization. 

It’s important to address this issue even if your child hasn’t said they are LGBTQ+. They may not feel safe coming out unless you first create an affirming environment and invite them in.

According to PFLAG, the first and largest organization for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) people, their parents and families, and allies, parents can create an LGBTQ+ affirming atmosphere for their, or any, kids, in a few, easy ways. 

Familiarize yourself with the issues

The road to supporting your child no matter who they are or might become starts with you. Like the airline safety instructions to secure your own mask before helping your child with theirs, you should first learn about the LGBTQ+ community to ensure you are approaching any conversations with them from a place of knowledge. Take the time to learn the correct terminology and the issues that LGBTQ+ communities face. The PFLAG glossary is a great place to start.

Start conversations and listen

Johns Hopkins Medicine recommends approaching your child with a “healthy curiosity” to foster dialogue and a two-way information flow. Kids may not always be forthcoming with information about their personal lives, and maintaining a good connection with them from the time they are little will help make them feel comfortable sharing more sensitive details when they’re older.

Parents should aim to approach their children with love as the guiding force, leaving preconceived notions at the door. PFLAG says parents should “listen with intent,” which means giving your child, “ample opportunity to open up and share their thoughts and feelings.” Pose open-ended and gentle questions that aim to help them communicate without any judgement attached.

Avoid making assumptions

Lambda Legal, an LGBTQ+ advocacy organization that does a lot of work with families and children, suggests that being a strong ally and supportive adult to your child starts by not making assumptions. Don’t assume someone identifies a certain way because of how they look or act or even things they may have said. Your child, or any child who might be LGBTQ+, should tell you who they are and how they identify. That should be your guiding light and not anything else. 

Speak up against discrimination  

You can also set a good example for your child regardless of how they identify and be a strong ally by speaking up and out if or when you witness anti-LGBTQ+ discrimination or harassment. Don’t just let someone get bullied without intervening in some way, while ensuring your own safety. Not only are you helping someone in need, you are also showing your own child that you are willing to stand up for LGBTQ+ people. Showing rather than telling is a powerful way to convey that you are inclusive and that your child can be their true self. You are also helping to raise a child who will follow in your stead and not be afraid to stand up for others who might be targets for discrimination. All of that work starts with showing up for your child as your authentic self. 

Engage with LGBTQ+ communities 

You can learn more about LGBTQ+ identities and experiences and jumpstart your allyship for your child by immersing yourself in an LGBTQ+ group or event. Attend a Pride March, whether in-person or virtual. Pop into a PFLAG meeting for parents or allies. Join a group at a local LGBTQ+ center or university to learn more from people who are living out and proud. Even if this option feels out of your comfort zone, know that you can always attend to listen and learn. 

Supporting your child, whether they identify as LGBTQ+ or may one day, doesn’t have to be difficult. In fact, creating an affirming home for your child, no matter who they are, can bring you both many moments of joy and open opportunities for closer connection.

This content series was created in partnership with Family Equality, an organization advancing legal and lived equality for LGBTQ+ families and for those who wish to form them. Learn more at https://www.familyequality.org/. 

It’s important to take a little time each day to slow down and focus on connecting with your little one. Here are some easy ways to do just that. Most all of these ideas can fit right into your normal day — and if some of them feel outside of your comfort zone, know that they’ll start to feel easier if you do them once or twice. No matter how you choose to connect, the important part is engaging with your little one in a way that’s positive, patient, and supportive. You might just find that connecting in this way is as good for you as it is for your them.

1. Engage in some open-ended play

Ask your little one, “What would you like to play?” and go from there. Be a helper and play along, but let them take the lead.

2. Ask them for help, and then actually let them contribute

Give your child some food prep they can handle — tearing up greens or stirring ingredients together. Or let them use the dustpan and brush on their own, even if they miss a few spots. Bigger kids can take on bigger tasks. Kids of all ages need practice to learn how to do household tasks and will develop confidence as they do so — they’ll be proud to see that they’re really helping.

3. Draw, color, or paint together

No matter your child’s age, it’s great to get creative together. Ask your little one questions about what they drew to start a conversation. Talk to them about what you created. Then ask where you should both hang up your artwork.

4. Read — and talk about the story as you go

Ask your child questions about the story, what they see in the pictures, and what they’re thinking. What a funny bear! Do you see any other animals in the forest? What season do you think it is? How would you feel if you were that bear? Do funny voices if you’re game. At the end, ask them about their favorite part. If your child is older, take turns reading longer books together.

5. Let them play stylist

If your child doesn’t usually choose their own outfit, ask them to choose what they’d like to wear, top to bottom. You can even ask your kiddo to help choose your outfit for the day or style your hair for some extra excitement.

6. Tell them a story about when you were little

Chances are, there will be some fun questions that follow.

7. Have them tell you a story

If your little one is old enough to do so, you’re in for a real treat. Write it down, record it for posterity, or just enjoy the moment.

8. Enjoy music together

Dance to your child’s favorite song. Or create some silly choreography. Play them your favorite album and tell them why you love it. Or play instruments together, even if your drum set is wooden spoons on pots.

9. Make a normal activity extra fun with some pretend play mixed in

A great example of this is playing barber shop or beauty salon, both of which fall into the “two birds, one stone” camp of activities. If your little one hasn’t wanted to sit still to have their nails trimmed or their hair brushed or styled, throw in some pretend play, and it can suddenly be exciting. Even if pretend play is new to you or you occasionally drop out of character, your child will likely be delighted to have you play along. You can even paint your little one’s nails or do an extra special hairstyle if you’re feeling ambitious.

10. Share gratitude

It can be hard for a very young child to answer the question “What are you grateful for?” but that doesn’t mean you can’t explore this idea with them. At dinner or bedtime, ask your little one what their favorite part of the day was, what was something fun that they did, or what made them laugh — often it will be something they did with you — and then you can share too.

11. Maybe go all out, once in a while

Even though this sort of play doesn’t necessarily fall into the “easy” category for everyone, it can be a fun, exciting way to connect every once in a while. Turn your couch into a ship and pretend to be pirates. Help your teen make some very elaborately decorated cupcakes. Pull out recycling materials to help your toddler construct a cardboard box rocket ship. The next time your little one wants to use an oversized box to make a princess castle, this sort of play might come a little easier. But remember that it’s less important what you play and more important how you spend time together — lead with love and you can’t go wrong.

Read more:

• 6 easy, meaningful ways to celebrate your mom if you’re apart
• 9 self-care essentials for today, and every day