Here’s a quick primer on four things you can do to reduce conflict and provide consistent messages to your child — even when you have varying points of view.  

Identify your parenting styles

There are many popular parenting styles and approaches. Recently, some of the most popular are:

• Responsive Parenting (also called gentle parenting) focuses on tuning into a child’s needs and emotions. The focus is on creating a positive relationship between parent and child and helping your child learn to navigate their emotions.
• Attachment Parenting focuses on responsiveness as well, and promotes the idea that early brain development is fostered by consistently offering your child ways to connect to you.
• Authoritative focuses on teaching concepts like scaffolding, and high expectations for behavior.

Of course, there are many more styles out there, including some that involve harsh punishments or neglect. Where do you and your partner each fall? By understanding each person’s style, it can help you start a productive conversation about where each of you is coming from and how you might be able to meet in the middle. Because finding harmony, like most things, involves compromise.  

Collaborate on the approach

Regardless of which parenting style works for you, your children will blossom with consistency. Your partner (and/or family members involved in your child’s care) and you can collaborate on various strategies for common concerns like what to do for tantrums, bedtime battles, and big feelings. It’s tough for children to manage any hard situation when the response from each parent is wildly different. Children thrive on consistency, as it helps prevent them from feeling confused or insecure — or from trying to “divide and conquer” the two of you by using parental differences to their advantage. 

Maintain a unified front

It’s important to back up your partner, as long as they’re being safe. If they do something you disagree with, talk to them in private later instead of arguing in front of your child. The latter can undermine their authority and can cause anxiety and misunderstanding for your child. We all get thrown into parenting situations that we fumble over, and it’s okay to go back to your child and apologize for a hurtful or inappropriate response. While we can’t have a do-over, we can spend time repairing and learning. 

Schedule weekly check-ins

New parenting decisions will always be surfacing, so it might be a good idea to have a regular time each week for re-evaluating the approach or coming up with new ones. As your child grows older, for example, you’ll need to hash out where you stand on things like smartphones, social media, or dating.  

Also, your child’s evolving personality may bring about new parenting conflicts. To avoid letting your differences stress your relationship, try to always see your partner as your ally. Even when they make parenting mistakes, you can choose to extend your forgiveness and support. After all, wouldn’t you like them to do the same? How you parent together is something visible to your child as they get older, and they benefit from knowing you value and spend time on the process.

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• How to tackle complicated in-law relationships
• Fostering a lasting bond between siblings

Yes, you should be talking with your kids about sex

First things first, let the official record show that you should be talking to your kids about sex. When your kids learn about sex from you, you get to control the narrative. You can talk about what qualifies as sex, staying safe, and the potential risks as well as the rewards. 

Choosing not to talk with your kids about sex — or pushing off the conversation just a little bit longer — will not keep your kid from learning about sex on TV and TikTok, from their schoolmates and siblings, and online. 

Plus there are tons of related conversations that are worth having as early as feels appropriate to you. We know that on average, kids see porn for the first time at age 12. While your child may not fall into this group, it’s probably a good idea to have conversations with them about how porn fits into the picture. 

The trouble with “The Talk”

The use of the word ‘The’ suggests that this is a one-and-done conversation, but talking to them about sex just once won’t cut it.

Sure, one conversation may seem like an easier undertaking for you, the parents. But actually, it puts way more pressure on you to say all the right things! Plus, covering all the things your kiddo needs to learn would take hours. Bluntly, nobody wants to be monologuing about lovemaking for that long! 

A one-time conversation also robs your child of the opportunity to sleep on the new information, and come back with questions or clarifications on the bits they’re confused about. 

The replacement: Ongoing sex conversation 

Consider talking about sex at various intervals. Even better, try creating a culture in your family where the lines of communication are open and honest about all topics. 

In practice, that might look like:

• Explaining music lyrics your kiddo doesn’t understand, even when they’re sexual
• Naming the sex acts on screen TV shows and movies you’re watching as a family
• Opening up about your own experiences with puberty, kissing, and relationships
• Purchasing age-appropriate sex-education pamphlets and books

Remember, these sex talks aren’t just about sex. They are — or should also be — be about body parts, reproduction, consent, masturbation, pregnancy and pregnancy protection, sexually transmitted diseases, gender and sexuality, and more. 

When to start the conversation

There is no one-size-fits-all rule for when you should start having these conversations or what those topics should include. Where you live, what TV shows and social media platforms your kid has access to, and the ages of the other kids your child is spending time with, will all influence the likelihood that they hear about sex from someone other than you. 

Ahead, some general guidelines of what topics to cover and when. 

Ages 0 to 5

This is the time your child is learning the names of their different body parts. Rather than giving their genitals cutesy nicknames like “pee-pee”, “down there”, or “gi-gi”, use biologically accurate words. It’s also okay to introduce the topic of privacy, and when it’s okay for trusted adults to help with private parts (diaper changes, washing, at the hospital). 

Teaching toddlers the proper names for their genitals and other reproductive organs can stop shame around those body parts from developing. Without the weight of shame, this gives them more comfort to ask the questions they might have about those parts, how they feel, and how to know if something is wrong. It also gives them the language to name if someone(s) touches them without their consent. 

Ages 3 to 5

This is the age that many kids like to run around naked — for instance after bath time – and it’s a good opportunity to address appropriate places to be naked (home) versus less appropriate places (public). 

This is also a good time to start to introduce the idea of consent. That means encouraging your children to say no to things like physical contact. For instance, if your child does not like to be held when they are upset, avoid holding them. Similarly, if they do not want to hug an extended family member, they shouldn’t be forced to do so. Reading books about body boundaries, consent and privacy is a great way to start these tricky discussions.

Ages 6 to 8 

Usually, kids ask where babies come from by this age range. Though, it could be significantly earlier if they encounter a pregnant person (for instance, you or your partner) during that time. 

When addressing these questions, start by broadly addressing that two people coming together very very closely is a prerequisite for pregnancy. Then, answer follow-up questions that may pop up. Some kids will be satisfied by the bare minimum, while others will want more details. Feel free to start small with just a drop of information for them to absorb.

From there if they’re showing interest, you can go ahead and explain the way a sperm can fertilize an egg and how that can lead to pregnancy. Because this can be a confusing concept for even adults to grasp, visuals and diagrams can be helpful here! You can feel free to discuss how animals, trees and other things grow and come from “seeds” if that’s helpful.

Ages 8 to 12

Don’t hate the messenger, but puberty starts much earlier than most parents realize. Actually, data suggests that kids assigned female at birth (usually, girls) start puberty, on average, at age 11. Meanwhile, kids assigned male at birth (usually, boys) start at 12. Remember: these are averages, which means that half of kids are beginning puberty earlier than this. 

You want to talk to your child about what puberty is and could entail prior to them experiencing it. Access to knowledge about puberty will help them understand what their bodies are doing, rather than being afraid or ashamed of changes. Again, starting these talks early and often can cut down on embarrassment and keep lines of communication open. Try to anticipate their needs during these phases from deodorant to razors to menstrual supplies. Try not to gender your chats, as it’s important for any child to understand and have empathy for the experiences of those around them.

Ages 13+ 

It’s a good idea to talk to your child about sexual intercourse — and other sex acts — before they are doing them. And bluntly, your kids are probably engaging in sexual activity far earlier than you think. On average, kids are kissing by age 14 and having penetrative sex by age 17. 

Throughout their teens, you want to talk about what sexual activity should (and should not) feel like and address potential unwanted risks of said activity, and what they can do to protect themselves. Finally, you should get specific about consent, outlining about what verbal consent looks like, highlighting that it can be revoked at any point, and debriefing what consent looks like if drugs and alcohol are involved. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Sibling dynamics can be challenging, but they have an enormous influence on a child’s life — especially when you consider that 82% of American children grow up with a sibling, and roughly 75% of 70-year-olds have a living sibling. As a result, they’re perhaps the longest relationships your children will have.

To help your testy adolescents develop a healthy bond with each other — even as they periodically clash and are forced to learn how to resolve those conflicts — here are some things you can do to give them the best chance of having a supportive, lifelong friendship. 

Avoid favoritism (or even a whiff of it)

Adolescents are incredibly sensitive to being treated differently or unfairly. Any perception of a favored child can spark competition, resentment, and unrest between siblings. For this reason, it’s best to steer clear of making sibling comparisons (“Your sister never did this!”) or taking sides (“You started it!”). 

Instead, try to stay aware of your biases and resist putting one child above the other. Consider offering similar privileges at similar ages and celebrating each child’s unique strengths. You can reinforce the latter by spending one-on-one time with each child doing things they uniquely enjoy. 

Should circumstances make it so you need to spend more time with one of your children than the others — due to a medical issue, for example — carefully explain why to your other children. You may think they already know, but it’s good to talk about the disparity and ask how they’re feeling. 

Speaking of “fair”

Many parents try to keep things 100% equal between each child. (I remember my mother having elaborate lists of exactly how much money she spent on each child at Christmas. It was important to her to have spent — to the penny — the same amount on each daughter.) But, what each child values and hopes for doesn’t have a price. This goes for material gifts, but also experiences and time with you. Focusing on making everything equal can actually increase competition between siblings as they constantly compare and examine. Instead? Focus on each child’s unique needs and desires. This not only connects you (and them) to their internal wishes, it takes the focus off of competition. 

Intervene at the first sign of bullying

Whereas a warm sibling relationship has been shown to promote empathy and prosocial behavior, a toxic sibling relationship — such as one marked by nonphysical aggression like excluding or belittling a sibling — is associated with depression, low self-worth, and risky behaviors for the bullied child.

While it’s generally recommended to let your adolescents try to resolve conflicts themselves first, bullying is different and it 100% can happen within families. If you observe this happening, you need to step in, listen to all of the feelings, and continue to establish clear family rules. Here are a few examples:

• In this family, we treat each other with kindness and respect.
• I cannot let you bully your sibling. I’m separating you both now. I’m on your team, and we will figure this out.
• No one gets to use the disputed item/space until a solution is reached. 
• Family members stick together and look out for each other, always.
• It’s okay to have moments when being a sibling is tough. I get it, I didn’t always love being a little sister either! But this house is a safe space for everyone.

Continued bullying or intimidation is a sign that the family needs additional support. Whether that’s changing your parenting approach or seeking therapy together/individually, it is a time-sensitive need.

Encourage shared activities and working together

To help your children’s relationship grow, spend time together as a family whenever you can — for example, playing games, watching movies, eating meals, or going on family walks or bike rides. You can also give your adolescents shared tasks, such as preparing a meal or raking leaves, with big kudos and praise for doing it harmoniously.

Use your words to send a message that working well with your sibling is important and something to be cherished. Don’t hold back on comments like: “I love it when you two work together so beautifully” or “You guys put your heads together and did something great!” It’s also okay to acknowledge that being a sibling is hard. Empathy when a little sibling is left out or a big sibling has more responsibilities is wonderful. You are not putting negative ideas in their head, but you are acknowledging that you’re there to support their tricky feelings about being a sibling.

A little praise and empathy go a long way — and if it works, the ultimate benefit is that you’ll not only have more peace at home, but your children will have each other to lean on for the long haul. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• Should we go to couples therapy?
• When should I introduce my child to a new partner?

Sources

• McHale, SM, et al. “Sibling Relationships and Influences in Childhood and Adolescence.” J Marriage Fam. 74(5): 913-930. October 2012. 
• Settersten, RA. “Social Relationships in the New Demographic Regime.” Advances in Life Course Research. Volume 12: 3-28. 2007. 
• McHale, SM, et al. “Sibling Relationships and Influences in Childhood and Adolescence.” J Marriage Fam. 74(5): 913-930. October 2012.
• Gallagher, AM, et al. “Longitudinal Associations Between Sibling Relational Aggression and Adolescent Adjustment.” J Youth Adolesc. 47(10): 2100-2113. October 2018. 

If your relationship with your partner has been struggling for a while, you may want to consider couples therapy. Not only could it help if you’ve been arguing about your adolescents — or worse, blaming each other for their behavior — but it could help you both model a healthy relationship for your children. 

And even if you’re feeling pretty good about your relationship, couples therapy can help you establish a better understanding of yourself and deepen your connection to each other. 

Reasons couples seek out therapy

Some of the common reasons include:

• Fighting more than usual
• Feeling stuck in frustrating patterns
• Dealing with issues of broken trust
• Inability to communicate effectively
• Unresolved resentment or tension
• Serious parenting disagreements or challenges
• Constant criticism or defensiveness
• Less intimacy and a growing disconnect
• A child in therapy

Types of couples therapy

There are many different types of therapy available — both in-person and, increasingly, online — but two of the most popular forms of couples therapy are:

• The Gottman Method: Named after the married researchers John and Julie Gottman, this approach is based on the couple’s research into predicting what leads to divorce (with impressive 94% accuracy) and using that knowledge to repair and improve relationships. 
• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Pioneered by therapist Sue Johnson, this method stems from what’s called attachment theory. It focuses on rebuilding the emotional connection between partners and has been shown to boost relationship satisfaction for at least two years.

If your relationship has already reached the crisis stage, however, with at least one of you leaning toward splitting up, there’s also a type of therapy specifically for this situation: discernment counseling. Therapists who specialize in this area help you figure out whether to stay together or not. 

Either way, the goal is coming to a clear decision on how to proceed. If the verdict is splitting up, the good news is that couples who go through discernment counseling but still separate report more amicable breakups and co-parenting — which can make a huge difference for your children. 

How to find the right therapist

Start by asking for referrals from your friends, family, or healthcare providers. Word of mouth and personal recommendations can be a great way to find someone who’s vouched for. Many therapists offer a free consultation (15-20 minutes), allowing you to ask questions and see whether it’s a fit. It can feel overwhelming, but don’t be afraid to shop around — it’s essential that you find someone who makes you feel comfortable. 

Here are a few things you might want to inquire about:

• What type of couples therapy do they offer, and how does it typically work?
• How much experience do they have (e.g. years in practice, numbers of couples counseled, etc.)?
• Are they registered and licensed? What are their credentials and/or degrees?
• Have they worked with couples like you or who have experienced similar issues? 

If the therapist has a website or blog, you can also get a sense of their personality and philosophy that way, or by reading online reviews and testimonials. If you haven’t been discussing this or looking for providers together, once you find someone who seems suitable, the next step is getting buy-in from your partner. Many people find they just have to get the ball rolling by booking a first session! You may encounter some resistance or discomfort, but be assertive in sharing what you think needs to be worked on and why therapy is effective for those issues. And of course, emphasize your goals, such as better communication, more unified parenting, and/or reduced tension. You’ve got this. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• When should I introduce my child to a new partner?
• How to tackle complicated in-law relationships

Sources

•  Brody, Jane. “To Predict Divorce, Ask 125 Questions.” The New York Times. August 11, 1992. 
•  Wiebe, SA, et al. “Two-Year Follow-up Outcomes in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: An Investigation of Relationship Satisfaction and Attachment Trajectories.” J Marital Fam Ther. 43(2):227-244. April 2017. 

Resentment in its various forms typically builds over time, and it can be one of the biggest relationship killers, especially for busy and overstretched parents. If resentment festers, you may start to lose empathy for your partner, shut down emotionally, and avoid conversation as well as intimacy.  

The problem is that this only makes things worse, as resentment has to be addressed in order to be resolved — and most importantly, to prevent it from damaging your relationship and negatively impacting not only your own wellbeing, but that of your children and partner as well. 

Identifying the warning signs (for both of you)

Here are some of most common indicators that you may be harboring resentment toward your partner:

• A sense of an unequal division of labor (e.g. with parenting, household chores, etc.)
• A feeling of being slighted, betrayed, or treated unfairly
• Increased irritability, disgust, and/or passive aggressiveness
• Embittered statements like “You always…” or “You never…”
• Less respect for your partner 
• Little to no interest in sex or intimacy
• Complaining frequently about your partner to others

As for your partner, or the person who is sensing your resentment, they may notice:

• Greater emotional distance and/or a disconnect between you
• An increase in tension and arguments, but without understanding why
• A feeling of being ignored, criticized, or cut off, leading to confusion and anxiety
• Increased shame and hopelessness about the noticeably unhappy dynamic

Tackling the big one: The division of labor

From washing uniforms to arranging carpools to enforcing rules, the daily to-do list for parents of adolescents can feel endless. Not surprisingly, one of the most common paths to resentment is feeling like you’re taking on significantly more parenting duties and domestic tasks than your partner.  

If it seems like you’re carrying the load, or your partner isn’t doing their fair share, it’s important to bring it up proactively to keep it from turning into something toxic. When you’re calm, share how you’re feeling and describe in very specific detail what your needs and expectations are. Don’t assume your partner already knows.  

From there, see how your partner is feeling and if there are any misunderstandings at play. It’s possible they want to help more but are fearful of doing things wrong — or not up to your parenting standards. In that case, you can let them know that perfection is not the objective, but rather being a team. It’s important to really own this piece, as default parents often like things done “their way.” Your partner’s best may look differently than you’d hoped, but this isn’t the time for criticism or inflexibility.

Tools and tricks to try

It may be helpful to try to go through and define (or redefine) who is responsible for what on a regular basis — and ideally put it in writing so that it can be reviewed and updated. Even if it’s not completely equal, it needs to feel like a fair division of responsibilities to both of you. These check-ins can help you feel more supported, and remind everyone where they are succeeding or need work. Remember that now that your children are older, there may be places where responsibilities can start shifting to them as well! They can’t learn without some failures along the way, so a parent can always be listed as their “back-up.”

When resentment rears its head again, another trick is to think about your partner’s good qualities and the contributions they do make. Another way to look at this is to assume your partner had good intentions, whether that’s something they did or something they said. It may help you put things in perspective and cultivate gratitude. After all, no one is without flaws, including you, and every relationship requires effort and compromise. 

And while it’s unlikely that every contribution each of you make is equal across all categories (household chores, home maintenance, childcare, etc.), when you step back and look at the bigger picture, you should feel like you’re a team and that you’re in it together. Any change is a process, so give your new perspective and organization time to bear fruit.

Being together

As parents, it can often feel that time with just the two of you is at a premium. Even when you get away for a date, a lot of that time can be spent just tackling the things mentioned above. Dating your partner doesn’t have to be time consuming or expensive. But it should avoid household maintenance chats or concerns about the kids. Setting aside even 30 minutes together to walk and talk or listen to a funny podcast is a way to reconnect bit by bit. If you’re feeling resentful, this allows you to slowly start to enjoy each other without the pressure of a multi-hour expensive dinner. Your children are aware of the effort you make to be a couple, and it sets a wonderful example to put the work in.

Resentment in your relationship: when to seek more help

If you’ve tried bringing the conversation up and it’s not going well, or nothing has improved, you may want to consider going to couples counseling to have an experienced therapist help you navigate fraught issues. It’s a commitment, but then again, so is a relationship. 

There are also online relationship courses that you can take to help you improve your communication as partners and co-parents, which is by far the biggest tool you have for weathering the ups and downs together. Healthy communication can make all the difference when life’s next conflict occurs. Seeking help is not a sign that something is wrong, it’s an investment in your family and your relationship.  

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• Fostering a lasting bond between siblings
• Should we go to couples therapy?

It’s only natural for both sets of in-laws to want to be more involved and to offer help and advice. But at times, this can feel downright overbearing. And sometimes, a lack of excitement can also cause hurt feelings and create feelings of isolation. In general, hurt is often from under or over-involvement. 

Here are some tips for setting boundaries with your in-laws as you and your partner solidify your own family unit, one that may have brand new customs alongside components of your unique upbringings.

Get on the same page with your partner 

Conflicts with your respective families are bound to come up, so it’s a good idea to talk about how to handle them in advance. For example, should each person deal with their own parents whenever there’s a sensitive topic? This can often be easier, as parents tend to be more forgiving of their own child. Try not to use your partner as a scapegoat in chats with your own parents about boundaries, present a united front even when it’s tough.

Also, it’s important to establish that your relationship comes first. While you may not always agree with your in-laws, the health of your relationship depends on being unified with your partner on in-law matters. Take a team approach and discuss issues in private, rather than in front of your in-laws. 

Create boundaries and find solutions to complicated in-law relationships

Talk about what’s bothering each of you, from unannounced in-law visits to grandparents who allow your child to eat too much junk food. Then take on the list that applies to your own parents and gently offer solutions, such as an approved snack list or a regular invite to Friday dinners at your house.

By presenting a solution along with the boundary, you’ll help offset the blow and make it easier for your parents to stick to the plan. If they know they’ll see you on Fridays, for example, they won’t feel shut out by the “no dropping by” rule or concerned that they won’t be able to see their grandchild. 

It is very common to have disagreements with another generation of parents. Your boundaries around physical touch, consent, and social media may be very different because of your perspective and experience. Remind yourself in tricky moments that certain boundaries are actually you sticking up for your kiddo, as this can make it easier to hold the line. 

Have a game plan for the holidays

The holidays are one of the most common times for in-law skirmishes, as they come full of expectations, longstanding rituals, and high emotions. Without a game plan, you and your partner can both end up feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or resentful.

With two sets of in-laws, you simply may not be able to please everyone. Many couples find that accepting this is the first step to figuring out your shared vision of holiday sanity — whether it’s alternating between families each year, taking odd years off from attending family gatherings, or even creating a totally new tradition of your own.

Other holiday tips:

• Avoid accepting a family invite or making holiday plans without speaking to your partner.
• At holiday gatherings, avoid any topics that are known to get heated, such as politics. 
• If things get uncomfortable, have an exit strategy, such as a code word for when to leave.
• Make the most of nap time and feeding time to get a break from the action.
• Brainstorm new traditions or activities, like a pie-making contest, that can diffuse tension.
• Watch children for signs of overstimulation or discomfort, and again — have an exit strategy to use before things unravel.

Nurture a more joyful connection

In an ideal world, we’d all like to have a warm rapport with our in-laws. If that isn’t happening naturally, it can feel like a positive relationship with their grandchild is impossible. But the two relationships are distinct, and there are things you can do to try to foster a connection and keep the focus where you’d like it — such as on how awesome their grandchild is, and not on unsolicited input about your parenting or lifestyle. 

For example, you might decide to regularly share photos and videos of their grandchild or facilitate bonding opportunities, like encouraging your in-laws to take your child on fun outings. As a bonus, this could provide a breather for you and your partner, if not increased gratitude for your in-laws. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• Dealing with resentment in your relationship
• Fostering a lasting bond between siblings

How do you know when both of these factors are in place? Let’s take a closer look at each. 

Evaluating your new relationship

Falling in love with someone isn’t reason enough to introduce them to your child. Many new relationships don’t go the distance, and if you introduce your child too soon, it could cause unnecessary stress or anguish for them. This is because the feelings surrounding an attachment to you and another person are extremely complex for children of any age.

This is why it’s important to confirm that you’ve made it past the “honeymoon stage” and that you and your new partner have a good chance at a future together. Some experts say this means waiting at least six months, while others recommend nine to 12 months before introducing a new partner. That doesn’t mean you need to keep your relationship a total secret, older children especially, can be clued into the presence of someone important in your life without meeting in person. 

The exact right time may be difficult to pinpoint, but asking yourself these questions can help:

• Is this relationship serious and committed enough to warrant taking this step?
• Is my new partner a good fit for my family? Can I see them as a stepparent?
• What’s the rush? Do I really need to introduce my partner now, or can it wait?
• Have I noticed any red flags or safety concerns?

Exploring whether your child is ready

Even if you’re eager to move on, your child may not be. It’s important to keep in mind how much time has passed since your split from your previous partner or your child’s other parent. It can take a year or two for children to adjust to their parents’ separation, and introducing a new partner too soon could disrupt the healing process. 

Also, if your child is still hoping for a family reconciliation, they may be unwilling to accept your new partner, or they may even try to sabotage the relationship. Children who aren’t ready to see you with someone else may also act out due to feelings of jealousy or anxiety. 

The best way to ensure your child is ready is by talking to them. Ask your child how they feel about meeting your new partner, and let their feedback be your guide. If they say yes, it’s a good indicator of readiness. Of course, age and maturity play a major role here. An older child can grasp some of what meeting a new partner means, while a toddler may have less ability to express or process their feelings. It’s also a great idea to let your co-parent know that you’ll be making an introduction — that way, no one’s caught off guard. 

Planning a successful first meeting

Here are a few tips for making the introduction as comfortable and non-pressurized as possible. Make sure your new partner is aware of the recommendations and boundaries in place:

• Pick a neutral place that your child likes. It could be a park, an ice cream shop, or a casual restaurant. It could also involve some type of activity that your child enjoys. 
• Keep it brief and low-key. This is not the time for a long outing. Try to keep the first meeting short and informal. From there, you can gradually build up to spending more time together.
• Avoid physical displays of affection. Touching or kissing your partner could be off-putting at first. Instead, sit next to your child and provide lots of attention to prevent any sense of rivalry. Do not force your child to be affectionate with your new partner, allow them safe boundaries for touch.
• See if your child has questions before or after. Address any concerns, accept that there will be complicated feelings, and offer reassurance that having a new partner won’t take away from the love you have for them. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• How to tackle complicated in-law relationships
• Dealing with resentment in your relationship

How to help your kids understand and handle money

Here’s what parents can do to help their teens and preteens understand the basics of personal finance so they can handle their money responsibly at every life stage. Although you’ve probably been teaching about money through play with their toy grocery or ice cream store set-up in younger years, now that learning is starting to show up in the real world!

Teach about earning money

Teaching kids “the value of a dollar” might seem like a cliche, but it’s actually a really crucial life lesson. Until they’ve had their first job, many teens don’t quite grasp how much time or effort it takes to earn $1, $20, or $100.

If they’re not old enough to work a regular gig, consider paying your child to help with things around the house, like mowing the lawn or washing the car. They might also be able to earn some money by helping people in your neighborhood with babysitting, dog walking, or raking leaves.

Help them understand needs vs. wants

Another essential life lesson is understanding the difference between needs and wants. Explain to your child that needs are things that help them live and thrive, like a home, food, and transportation to school. Wants are everything else. A trip to the grocery store can be really instructional to talk about food needs and foods wants — and just how quickly things add up! Bonus points for looking for coupons or making a list before you go.

Set small savings goals

Once they have some of their own money, you can help your teen or preteen set small savings goals. You’ll have to help them understand that if they can resist spending all their money as it comes in, they can eventually afford bigger things they want, like concert tickets or a video game.

Offer a lesson in investing

You can also teach your kids that they can earn money just by having money (aka investing). For instance, they could lend their trusted parent cash for a date night, with the promise that the money will be paid back the very next day, plus 10% interest. Consider an app with options to buy fractional shares in companies they really like! It’s never too early to get a sense of how investing works.

Offer a lesson in interest

On the other hand, you can teach them about the cost of borrowing money they don’t have. For example, you might lend your teen money for a purchase if they agree to pay you back by a certain day (or in increments), plus a small amount in interest. This will help them understand the general concept of a credit card, and its pitfalls, before they’re old enough to get one.

Open a first bank account

It’s good to help your child open their first bank account before they graduate from high school. For middle schoolers, a savings account is probably the best option — it’s not attached to a debit card, but they can still withdraw cash if needed.

By age 15 or 16, you might want to help your teen open their first checking account with a linked savings account. This will help them understand how to deposit money, use a debit card, and separate their savings from their spending money. It should always be monitored by an adult, but never risk their future credit by using it for the family.

Help them make a budget

Budgeting is important at every age, and the earlier you learn it, the easier it is to stick with it. For preteens and younger kids, physical buckets are a great place to start. For instance, you can get three jars and label them “spending money,” “savings,” and “short-term goals.”

Mobile budgeting apps might be a better choice for high schoolers with smartphones. Some of the best ones for teens include Bankaroo, Rooster Money, Greenlight, Gohenry, and BusyKid.

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

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1. Understand what is “normal”

Most questions out of a middle-schooler’s mouth boil down to this: Am I normal? While there is not one normal set of dating and sex behaviors for tweens, there are some general trends. As a parent, understanding these trends can help you more easily identify appropriate versus inappropriate behaviors. Ready? 

Most middle-schoolers will begin to have their first serious crushes around this time. Unlike crushes they may have had in elementary school, these crushes are occurring at the same time as puberty. The rush of hormones combined with the whoosh of affection can make these crushes feel bigger and more urgent. As a result, your kiddo is more likely to try to find ways to hang out with their crush outside of school. 

If you have a culture of open communication in your house, this is also a time when your little one may ask you about your first crush, first kiss, and first date. 

2. Ask them questions

The best way to discern if your little me has a crush, is to invite them to share that information with you. 

For instance, you might ask: 

• You’ve been talking about X a lot! What do you like about them? 
• You’ve been spending a lot of time with X. Are they a friend or a crush? 
• I’ll drop you off at X’s house on Sunday. Is it a friend date or a date date? 

Keep in mind: The way you phrase your questions will give your kiddo insight on what gender-dynamics you find acceptable. For instance, if you only ask your daughter if she has a crush on the boys in her friend group, she’ll intuit that boys are the only gender she’s allowed to have a crush on. So if you can, avoid gendered language altogether.

Your move: Replace “Do you have a crush on any of the boys in your class?” with the more-inclusive “Is there anyone you have special feelings for?” 

3. Be gracious 

If your child opens up to you about having a crush, work to avoid the urge to tease them. Making a joke of their feelings will minimize the chances that they’ll come to you in the future with their dating (and sex) woes. You also want to avoid putting too much pressure on the relationship. For instance, asking if that person is going to be their boyfriend or husband is a little too adult! 

Instead, encourage your child to share what they like about their crush. This can open up an important dialogue about how a crush should (and shouldn’t) make someone feel. It also allows you to reiterate some of the characteristics someone should be looking for in a crush. 

4. Talk about healthy relationships

Unfortunately, relationship literacy isn’t a subject in school. That means that your child is relying on you to teach them what a healthy relationship looks and feels like — as well as how to spot an unhealthy relationship. You want to start talking to your middle schooler about dating around the time they become interested in relationships.

How should you talk to your kiddo about relationships, exactly? In short, early and often. 

There is no shortage of ways to bring up healthy relationships. Any time there is a healthy relationship on TV you could name it as such, meanwhile anytime gaslighting, verbal abuse, or love-bombing is presented on screen, you could identify that and explain why it’s harmful. You can also explicitly name the times your partner treats you well — whether your current partner is also your co-parent or not. 

5. Model healthy relationships

No pressure, but your kiddo doesn’t just learn about healthy relationships from what you say — they also learn about it from how you and your partner(s) act. Actually, your kids are always watching and learning from you (even if they don’t want to admit it). This means they’re also learning about what relationships should look like as they watch you interact with their other parent(s), your parents, friends, service workers, and more. 

No doubt, family dynamics are complicated. But if your kid sees you tolerating being mistreated, they’re more likely to tolerate that same behavior — whether it’s from their crush, dance date, friend, or another family member. 

Use these tips as a jumping-off point for talking to your middle schooler about dating and remember to keep the lines of communication open so that your kiddo feels comfortable coming to you with any questions or concerns.

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

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Set a good example

“As parents and caregivers, our ability to express, name, and manage our own tough emotions is an important way children and teens learn. The good news is that it’s normal and important to show that you’re human and experience all kinds of emotions. It’s okay to show up at home as your authentic self.

But there is a big difference for kids when a parent expresses anger, for example, by shutting down, raging or shutting them out instead of just talking about it. “I’ve had such a tough day while you were at school. A situation at work made me so angry, and it’s not your fault at all. I’m having some big feelings to manage today.” Your child doesn’t need to be a confidant or understand your big problems, but they can see that all emotions are okay to have — and that the tough ones don’t last forever,” says Ovia Health Coach, Lilly Schott. 

Spend a little time reflecting on how you manage your emotions and consider whether you’re setting an example you want your kids to follow. If you feel like you have a hard time with this, there are many avenues to work on change. Many parenting experts and coaches have resources, while seeking therapy can also help you develop the coping skills you hope to pass down to your own kids. 

Share concrete ideas

It’s easy to tell our teens to calm down. Telling someone to calm down without teaching them how isn’t very effective though, and often has the opposite impact in the moment. When you’re talking with your kids about managing big emotions, offer them some concrete options to try. Things like deep breathing, listening to music they like, walking away, punching a pillow, journaling or moving their bodies can be very helpful in managing emotions. 

Talk about it when they’re in a good mood

While it can be tempting to try to help your child “calm down” when they’re feeling angry or frustrated, it’s really tough for activated brains to learn new skills. Instead of trying to teach an anger or frustration-management tool when they’re already upset, introduce it when they’re feeling calm and happy. Practice it with them before you call on them to give it a try when they really are upset. 

Point out when they’re doing a good job

When your teen is experiencing a tough emotion and coping well, it can be powerful to point out for them what a good job they are doing. You might say something like, “I know it really upset you to find out your friend spread a rumor about you. I know you’re feeling really angry and I’m proud that you decided to talk to me about it and go for a run before you call or text your friend.” 

Be the rock

When our kids are upset or dealing with a tricky situation, we often want to jump to a “fix.” Many times, our job isn’t to fix anything or even to offer a solution. Sitting with your child and listening deeply, and acknowledging that their emotions are real and valid is powerful. A simple statement like “I believe you,” can go far. Allowing older children and teens to problem solve is crucial for their independence even if you want to jump in with a million ways to make it better. 

While we all know that it’s important for kids to learn how to manage difficult emotions, seeing our kids experience frustration, sadness, and anger can be really hard. Next time you see or get the sense that your kiddo is experiencing something difficult, take a deep breath and know that how you help them process their emotions now has the power to give them the emotional intelligence that will benefit them for their entire life. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

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