If your relationship with your partner has been struggling for a while, you may want to consider couples therapy. Not only could it help if you’ve been arguing about your adolescents — or worse, blaming each other for their behavior — but it could help you both model a healthy relationship for your children. 

And even if you’re feeling pretty good about your relationship, couples therapy can help you establish a better understanding of yourself and deepen your connection to each other. 

Reasons couples seek out therapy

Some of the common reasons include:

• Fighting more than usual
• Feeling stuck in frustrating patterns
• Dealing with issues of broken trust
• Inability to communicate effectively
• Unresolved resentment or tension
• Serious parenting disagreements or challenges
• Constant criticism or defensiveness
• Less intimacy and a growing disconnect
• A child in therapy

Types of couples therapy

There are many different types of therapy available — both in-person and, increasingly, online — but two of the most popular forms of couples therapy are:

• The Gottman Method: Named after the married researchers John and Julie Gottman, this approach is based on the couple’s research into predicting what leads to divorce (with impressive 94% accuracy) and using that knowledge to repair and improve relationships. 
• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Pioneered by therapist Sue Johnson, this method stems from what’s called attachment theory. It focuses on rebuilding the emotional connection between partners and has been shown to boost relationship satisfaction for at least two years.

If your relationship has already reached the crisis stage, however, with at least one of you leaning toward splitting up, there’s also a type of therapy specifically for this situation: discernment counseling. Therapists who specialize in this area help you figure out whether to stay together or not. 

Either way, the goal is coming to a clear decision on how to proceed. If the verdict is splitting up, the good news is that couples who go through discernment counseling but still separate report more amicable breakups and co-parenting — which can make a huge difference for your children. 

How to find the right therapist

Start by asking for referrals from your friends, family, or healthcare providers. Word of mouth and personal recommendations can be a great way to find someone who’s vouched for. Many therapists offer a free consultation (15-20 minutes), allowing you to ask questions and see whether it’s a fit. It can feel overwhelming, but don’t be afraid to shop around — it’s essential that you find someone who makes you feel comfortable. 

Here are a few things you might want to inquire about:

• What type of couples therapy do they offer, and how does it typically work?
• How much experience do they have (e.g. years in practice, numbers of couples counseled, etc.)?
• Are they registered and licensed? What are their credentials and/or degrees?
• Have they worked with couples like you or who have experienced similar issues? 

If the therapist has a website or blog, you can also get a sense of their personality and philosophy that way, or by reading online reviews and testimonials. If you haven’t been discussing this or looking for providers together, once you find someone who seems suitable, the next step is getting buy-in from your partner. Many people find they just have to get the ball rolling by booking a first session! You may encounter some resistance or discomfort, but be assertive in sharing what you think needs to be worked on and why therapy is effective for those issues. And of course, emphasize your goals, such as better communication, more unified parenting, and/or reduced tension. You’ve got this. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• When should I introduce my child to a new partner?
• How to tackle complicated in-law relationships

Sources

•  Brody, Jane. “To Predict Divorce, Ask 125 Questions.” The New York Times. August 11, 1992. 
•  Wiebe, SA, et al. “Two-Year Follow-up Outcomes in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: An Investigation of Relationship Satisfaction and Attachment Trajectories.” J Marital Fam Ther. 43(2):227-244. April 2017. 

Resentment in its various forms typically builds over time, and it can be one of the biggest relationship killers, especially for busy and overstretched parents. If resentment festers, you may start to lose empathy for your partner, shut down emotionally, and avoid conversation as well as intimacy.  

The problem is that this only makes things worse, as resentment has to be addressed in order to be resolved — and most importantly, to prevent it from damaging your relationship and negatively impacting not only your own wellbeing, but that of your children and partner as well. 

Identifying the warning signs (for both of you)

Here are some of most common indicators that you may be harboring resentment toward your partner:

• A sense of an unequal division of labor (e.g. with parenting, household chores, etc.)
• A feeling of being slighted, betrayed, or treated unfairly
• Increased irritability, disgust, and/or passive aggressiveness
• Embittered statements like “You always…” or “You never…”
• Less respect for your partner 
• Little to no interest in sex or intimacy
• Complaining frequently about your partner to others

As for your partner, or the person who is sensing your resentment, they may notice:

• Greater emotional distance and/or a disconnect between you
• An increase in tension and arguments, but without understanding why
• A feeling of being ignored, criticized, or cut off, leading to confusion and anxiety
• Increased shame and hopelessness about the noticeably unhappy dynamic

Tackling the big one: The division of labor

From washing uniforms to arranging carpools to enforcing rules, the daily to-do list for parents of adolescents can feel endless. Not surprisingly, one of the most common paths to resentment is feeling like you’re taking on significantly more parenting duties and domestic tasks than your partner.  

If it seems like you’re carrying the load, or your partner isn’t doing their fair share, it’s important to bring it up proactively to keep it from turning into something toxic. When you’re calm, share how you’re feeling and describe in very specific detail what your needs and expectations are. Don’t assume your partner already knows.  

From there, see how your partner is feeling and if there are any misunderstandings at play. It’s possible they want to help more but are fearful of doing things wrong — or not up to your parenting standards. In that case, you can let them know that perfection is not the objective, but rather being a team. It’s important to really own this piece, as default parents often like things done “their way.” Your partner’s best may look differently than you’d hoped, but this isn’t the time for criticism or inflexibility.

Tools and tricks to try

It may be helpful to try to go through and define (or redefine) who is responsible for what on a regular basis — and ideally put it in writing so that it can be reviewed and updated. Even if it’s not completely equal, it needs to feel like a fair division of responsibilities to both of you. These check-ins can help you feel more supported, and remind everyone where they are succeeding or need work. Remember that now that your children are older, there may be places where responsibilities can start shifting to them as well! They can’t learn without some failures along the way, so a parent can always be listed as their “back-up.”

When resentment rears its head again, another trick is to think about your partner’s good qualities and the contributions they do make. Another way to look at this is to assume your partner had good intentions, whether that’s something they did or something they said. It may help you put things in perspective and cultivate gratitude. After all, no one is without flaws, including you, and every relationship requires effort and compromise. 

And while it’s unlikely that every contribution each of you make is equal across all categories (household chores, home maintenance, childcare, etc.), when you step back and look at the bigger picture, you should feel like you’re a team and that you’re in it together. Any change is a process, so give your new perspective and organization time to bear fruit.

Being together

As parents, it can often feel that time with just the two of you is at a premium. Even when you get away for a date, a lot of that time can be spent just tackling the things mentioned above. Dating your partner doesn’t have to be time consuming or expensive. But it should avoid household maintenance chats or concerns about the kids. Setting aside even 30 minutes together to walk and talk or listen to a funny podcast is a way to reconnect bit by bit. If you’re feeling resentful, this allows you to slowly start to enjoy each other without the pressure of a multi-hour expensive dinner. Your children are aware of the effort you make to be a couple, and it sets a wonderful example to put the work in.

Resentment in your relationship: when to seek more help

If you’ve tried bringing the conversation up and it’s not going well, or nothing has improved, you may want to consider going to couples counseling to have an experienced therapist help you navigate fraught issues. It’s a commitment, but then again, so is a relationship. 

There are also online relationship courses that you can take to help you improve your communication as partners and co-parents, which is by far the biggest tool you have for weathering the ups and downs together. Healthy communication can make all the difference when life’s next conflict occurs. Seeking help is not a sign that something is wrong, it’s an investment in your family and your relationship.  

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• Fostering a lasting bond between siblings
• Should we go to couples therapy?

Of course, they also use them for entertainment and social connection. So how much screen time is too much for preteens and teens? The answer isn’t necessarily cut-and-dried.

Here’s what to consider.

How much screen time should a tween have?

On a typical school day, you might consider limiting your middle schooler’s screen time to two hours. To some parents, this might seem like a lot, and to others, it might seem too restrictive.

It’s ultimately a personal choice for families. But in the end, time spent watching TV or scrolling through social media shouldn’t compromise getting enough sleep, being active, doing homework, eating meals as a family, or getting face-time (not to be confused with FaceTime) with friends on the weekends.

How much screen time should a teen have?

For high schoolers, a family media plan, like this one from the AAP, can be more useful than a set number of hours of screen time per day. Allowing independence and privacy is appropriate for teens, but remember that technology is designed to be addictive. They can still use your help and support with limits, especially if they get distracted while doing homework!

How to limit your maturing child’s screen time

Worried your child is spending too much time online? Here’s what you can try.

Make it about their health and wellbeing

Make it clear to your child that using a smartphone or computer can be helpful, but can also cause many kids to have increased feelings of anxiety or distress. Homework often calls for internet use, but outside of that, it’s something parents can and should regulate to help tweens and teens stay regulated and healthy.

Establish rules

Most teens and tweens — and let’s be honest, even some adults — are unable to self-limit their screen time. That’s why it’s up to parents to establish rules about what electronics can be used for, when they can be used, and for how long. Each child may need different approaches, and that’s okay! 

Have phone-free family meals

Consider making it a rule that everyone in the family has to put their phones away when eating meals together. This will give you a chance to connect face to face, talk about each other’s days, and actually enjoy the meal in front of you. With busy schedules, this daily family time can be crucial.

Lead by example

If you tell your child they can’t be on their phone for more than three hours a day, you’re wise to follow suit. Your message will be much more effective and respected if they see you limiting your screen time too.

Media safety for preteens and teens

Though the internet is undoubtedly a necessary tool for success in the modern world, it also opens doors to age-inappropriate content and other temptations for teens and tweens. And since tweens and teens have trouble appreciating the long-term consequences of their digital footprint, it’s okay to get involved.

We recommend talking to your child early and often about online safety and media responsibility. This includes the dangers of sharing private information, talking to strangers, sexting, and cyberbullying. 

Kids of all ages should know that their devices are monitored by you, and that you don’t need permission to take a look — any time — at what they are up to. Safety monitoring apps and alerts for parents are important, but there is no substitute for physically looking at their devices and checking in. Each family, and even each child, will have unique rules about respecting privacy, passwords and parental controls. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• The HPV vaccine and why it’s so important
• Could my child be autistic?

Sources

• N​​emours Children’s Health. “Media Use Guidelines for Teens.” 2022. Web. https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/screentime-teens.html
• Johns Hopkins All Children’s Hospital. “Screen Time Guidelines for Teens.” Web. https://www.hopkinsallchildrens.org/Patients-Families/Health-Library/HealthDocNew/Screen-Time-Guidelines-for-Teens
• Mayo Clinic Health System. “Children and screen time: How much is too much?” 2021. Web. https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/children-and-screen-time

Deciding whether therapy is the best option for your child can feel complicated for many reasons. Maybe you’ve noticed changes in your child’s behavior. Or perhaps a friend, family member, teacher, or healthcare provider has raised a concern. Whatever the case may be, it’s understandable if you feel unsure, overwhelmed, and/or emotional.

First of all, all of your feelings are normal and valid. Second of all, there are steps to get grounded and gain more clarity. While this isn’t a complete list, it may be a helpful place to start. 

Steps to figuring out if therapy is right for your child: 

1. Know what to look out for 
2. Educate yourself about the benefits of therapy 
3. Establish your support system

Let’s break down each step. 

What to look out for

As with other behaviors, disordered eating can be difficult to see if you don’t know what to look for. Start by noticing your child’s eating habits, mental and emotional state, and/or physical wellbeing.

Shifts in eating habits could include:

• Restrictive eating
• Binge eating/Eating when they are full
• Use of laxatives, vomiting, or excessive exercise after eating
• Eating alone
• Lack of appetite or interest in food

Changes in mental and emotional state could include: 

• Nonstop pursuit of thinness, fear of gaining weight
• Unwillingness to maintain healthy body weight 
• Distorted body image
• Seeing their value as solely driven by body size/shape
• Feeling distressed, ashamed, or guilty about food consumption

Shifts in physical well-being could include: 

• Dramatic weight loss or gain
• Brittle hair and nails 
• Dry skin, dull hair
• Severe constipation 
• Lethargy, sluggishness, and feeling tired all the time 
• Stomach discomfort 

The signs and symptoms listed above could point to an eating disorder. If you’re noticing a shift in one of these areas but not another, it’s still a good idea to speak with a professional. For example, those in bigger bodies suffering from eating disorders often fly under the radar because of the bias that only those in very thin bodies experience disordered eating.

All of this can be very difficult to think about, but know that there are many ways to support your child and early intervention is safest and most effective. 

Educate yourself about therapy

Therapy is proven to be very effective for addressing body image concerns. Therapists are an important part of the team children need to work with if they are experiencing disordered eating habits, or have been diagnosed with an eating disorder. A therapist can help your child identify what issues are influencing their relationship with their own body and food. Then they can recommend how to provide support. 

There are many kinds of effective therapies for eating disorders. Some of the most popular include: 

• One-on-one cognitive behavioral therapy
• Group cognitive behavioral therapy
• Family-based therapy

It’s important to know that treating an eating disorder requires a team of experts, including you as the parent. Being a safe, non-judgemental space for your child to come to is so important. In addition to your support, the pediatrician and a therapist, you may need to work with a dietitian familiar with eating disorder recovery and in some cases, hospitalization or intensive outpatient therapy may be most beneficial. 

Lean on your support system

As you move through this process, it’s very important to have your own support network. Friends, family members, and even a therapist of your own can help you stay grounded. You might also consider joining a support group so you can learn what’s worked for other families. Whatever the support looks like, remember you aren’t alone and there absolutely is a path forward. 

If you still have questions, talk to your pediatrician and/or use the National Eating Disorders (NEDA) screening tool.

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Related topics

• How to talk to your pediatrician about weight inclusive care
• How family meals can benefit your child’s relationship with food
• Body confident parenting
• How your beliefs about food impact your parenting
• How to raise body confident kids

Sources

1. “Eating Disorders.” National Institute of Mental Health. National Institute of Mental Health. January, 2023. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/eating-disorders
2. “Eating Disorder Screening Tool.” National Eating Disorders. National Eating Disorders Staff. 2022. https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/screening-tool
3. “Eating disorder treatment: Know your options.” Mayo Clinic. Mayo Clinic Staff. July 14, 2017. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/eating-disorders/in-depth/eating-disorder-treatment/art-20046234
4. Hornberger, LL. “Identification and Management of Eating Disorders in Children and Adolescents.” American Academy of Pediatrics. 147(1). Web. January 2021. 
5. “Therapy to Improve Children’s Mental Health.” Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Center for Disease Control and Prevention. April 19, 2022. https://www.cdc.gov/childrensmentalhealth/parent-behavior-therapy.html
6. Laurie L. Hornberger, Margo A. Lane, THE COMMITTEE ON ADOLESCENCE, Laurie L. Hornberger, Margo Lane, Cora C. Breuner, Elizabeth M. Alderman, Laura K. Grubb, Makia Powers, Krishna Kumari Upadhya, Stephenie B. Wallace, Laurie L. Hornberger, Margo Lane, MD FRCPC, Meredith Loveless, Seema Menon, Lauren Zapata, Liwei Hua, Karen Smith, James Baumberger; Identification and Management of Eating Disorders in Children and Adolescents. Pediatrics January 2021; 147 (1): e2020040279. 10.1542/peds.2020-040279. https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/147/1/e2020040279/33504/Identification-and-Management-of-Eating-Disorders?autologincheck=redirected

Research shows that adolescents who eat family dinner some or most days were less likely to develop disordered eating habits, purge, binge, or diet restrictively. 

Family meals are beneficial because they: 

• Create a safe environment free of judgment or pressure
• Allow you to teach your child to listen to their body.
• Give you a chance to become their role model around eating and food.

Let’s dive into the steps to take to experience the benefits of family meals. 

How to create a safe environment

A child who struggles with their body image may view food as unsafe, scary and/or something to restrict. Family meals create a space to frame food differently. A lot of the reframing can happen by simply changing your language. Here are some examples:

Another big point to remember is that food is often labeled as “good” or “bad.” Modeling the idea that all food has value, and avoiding labels like good, bad and junk – can set a less judgmental tone. 

Family meals also offer a natural pause in the day and your undivided attention. It should be a tech-free zone for each member of the family. This is important because it can be difficult for your child to bring up deep feelings when you’re busy or when anyone is distracted by a device. Mealtime can create space for your child to share any of their struggles with food or other areas of concern. This environment also allows you to ask questions, give support, and check in with your child along the way. 

How to teach your child to listen to their body

Our fast-paced culture can prevent us from listening to our bodies. This may make it difficult to know when, how much, and what to eat. A child who struggles with disordered eating may already feel detached from their body. This makes it even harder to establish a healthy relationship with food.

Family meals give you the opportunity to help your child pay attention to feelings of hunger and fullness. Meals should be a no-pressure zone where they feel free to eat as much or as little as they want. They should also feel comfortable to eat food in any order they wish, for example they don’t need to eat vegetables first or get a dessert reward for clearing their plate. Meals that are served family-style allow your child a little bit more control over this process. Learning  about hunger cues not only gives them agency over their own body, but it also provides them with tools to be more independent. Other benefits of your child learning how to listen to their bodies include: 

• Knowing when it’s time to eat 
• Knowing when it’s time to stop eating  
• Learning what they like or dislike 
• Slowing down 

How to be your child’s role model

You have more influence over your child’s relationship with food than you think. Even seemingly subtle remarks and/or behaviors could make a big difference. 

The first step to being a good role model for your child is embodying the beliefs yourself. To start, you can answer these questions for yourself:

1. Do you think about food in the context of calories, weight gain, and/or physical appearance? 
2. Is food often a reward or something you have to earn by exercising?
3. How can you reframe food as nourishing, refueling, and strengthening?
4. What might you need to slow down and listen to your body?

Gaining clarity around your own relationship with food can allow you to teach your child to do the same. Remember, your child likely looks to you for guidance. You’re empowered to help them strengthen their relationship with food, starting with family meals. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Related topics: 

• How to talk about weight-inclusive care with your pediatrician
• When is time for your child to talk to a therapist about disordered eating?
• Delicious dinners for the whole family
• How your beliefs about food impact your parenting
• Food for the holidays: A winning approach

Sources: 

1. “Bulimia nervosa.” Mayo Clinic. Mayo Clinic Staff. May 10, 2018. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bulimia/symptoms-causes/syc-20353615
2. Haines, J. “Family dinner and disordered eating.” National Library of Medicine. 18 (1): 10-24. Web. Jan 1 2011. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2856109/

What is weight-inclusive care?

Weight-inclusive care emphasizes health as the ultimate outcome while also acknowledging that factors contributing to health are varied and complicated. Health is a continuum with many possible outcomes and possibilities. Weight-inclusive care also aims to improve access to unbiased healthcare and reduce weight stigma experienced by those in larger bodies. 

Some examples of weight-inclusive care include focusing on:

• Health Promoting Behaviors rather than changing the number on the scale
• Overall wellness instead using BMI
• Setting SMART goals to address modifiable risk factors for individuals 

Weight-inclusive care is still a relatively new approach in the medical field. It makes sense if this is the first time you’re discussing it with your pediatrician. The good news is that you’re in the driver’s seat – you get to control how to approach and continue the conversation, and you don’t have to settle for biased care. 

What’s the best approach?

Weight-inclusive care is a broad topic, so your approach will depend on lots of factors. These could include your child’s health background, your communication style, and/or your relationship with your pediatric provider. And, while there isn’t one “best” approach, here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Plan ahead

Because these conversations can be draining, it may help to have a plan beforehand. You can start by asking yourself questions including:

• What is my goal in having this conversation?
• What is my definition of weight inclusive care? 
• In a perfect world, how would I like to see the provider using this method?
• What are some examples of weight exclusive care?
• What will I do if the pediatric provider isn’t as receptive as I’d hoped?
• What will the next steps be after the conversation?
  

2. Bring evidence to the conversation.  

Whether or not your pediatrician is knowledgeable about weight-inclusive care, you’ll want to highlight its importance. If you’re not quite sure how to start the conversation, that’s okay! You can do this in-person, or via phone or messaging if you have access to that. Some people even write down their concerns the old-fashioned way, and give their provider’s office a hand-written note. Here are some good talking points from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention:

• Healthy at Every Size movement: Health at any weight. 
• The harms of stigmatizing weight: Shame is not an effective motivator, decreases desire to seek medical attention, and causes a strained provider-patient relationship. 
• The benefits of weight-inclusive care: Empowering the patient, effectively achieving health goals, and building a strong patient-provider relationship.

3. Provide specific examples.

Examples of the kind of care you’re seeking can help you and your pediatrician get on the same page. Concrete direction can also prevent or at least decrease confusion later. Some examples you might give are:

• Not weighing your child or discussing weight/size unless medically necessary
• Not discussing BMI, as it Isn’t a measure of health
• Encouraging movement instead of discouraging stillness
• Assessing stress, sleep, and other health promoting behaviors

What should I do next?

After you’ve had the conversation, keep checking in to make sure your pediatrician is honoring your request. Here’s how: 

• Observe how your pediatrician interacts with your child in the office
• Ask your child how they feel about their care after they’ve had a visit
• Check in with your pediatrician regularly

Remember, you’re empowered to start and continue this conversation in whatever way you feel is right for you and your family.

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Related topics

• When is time for your child to talk to a therapist about disordered eating?
• How family meals can benefit your child’s relationship with food
• Body confident parenting
• How your beliefs about food impact your parenting
• How to raise body confident kids

Sources

1. “Center for Disease Control and Prevention” homepage. Center for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/
2. Dollar, E. “Do No Harm: Moving Beyond Weight Loss to Emphasize Physical Activity at Every Size.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Preventing Chronic Disease. April 20, 2017. https://www.cdc.gov/pcd/issues/2017/17_0006.htm 
3. Humphreys, S. “The unethical use of BMI in contemporary general practice.” National Library of Medicine. 60(578): 696–697. Web. September 1, 2010.
4. Tylka, T. “The Weight-Inclusive versus Weight-Normative Approach to Health: Evaluating the Evidence for Prioritizing Well-Being over Weight Loss.” National Library of Medicine. 2014; 2014: 983495. Web. July 23, 2014.

While social media can be an excellent tool for connecting and finding community, especially for members of marginalized groups, it can also lead to some troubling mental health outcomes for teens (and adults) of all ages. Here’s what you need to know about teens’ mental health in the age of social media. 

It’s not all bad

Despite the fear that often surfaces when you mention teenagers using social media to parents, it’s not all bad. Social media can be a fun and creative outlet for many teens. For many people, it can be a valuable way to stay connected to distant friends and family, or to find community when they’re feeling isolated. Talking as a family about the “why” behind the request to use social media is crucial. 

Unchecked social media use can lead to troubling outcomes 

When teenagers have access to and participate in social media that is not age-appropriate, affirming, and supportive of a healthy mindset, there can be serious negative consequences. 

Excessive social media use can lead to depression, disrupted sleep, and disengagement from everyday life. It can also expose kids to online bullying, peer pressure, and unrealistic impressions of other people’s lives. 

Many negative outcomes can be traced to how much time kids spend using social media. A 2019 study showed that U.S. teens who use social media for more than three hours per day are at a heightened risk for mental health issues. 

Managing social media is a skill

In our digital world it’s not realistic (or wise) to expect that our teens will never use social media. As parents, it’s our job to help them develop the skills they will need to consume and use social media in a healthy way and to self-regulate their usage when they become adults.  

For many kids, that might mean limiting time usage, avoiding platforms or groups that don’t make them feel good, and having set times of the day that are social media free. Enacting a no-screen rule when they have friends over or at meal time can be places to start. Other skills that will make a big difference to their overall mental health include the media literacy to understand when images have been edited, how companies manipulate social media to make consumers act in a certain way or make certain purchases, and how to monitor their own feelings and responses to images they see on social media. 

Age is just a number

It may be tempting to put off social media use to a specific age or grade. “Sure, when you’re 13 you can download it.” But children mature at different rates, and your child’s ability to follow family rules and stay grounded is unique. One of the toughest aspects of social media is how it turns a child’s gaze and self-evaluation to the external. The number of “likes” and followers suddenly measure self-worth. Teens need to have a strong sense of what they personally care about before being bombarded by other people’s opinions.

In addition to your child wanting social media, you may be feeling external pressure if their peers (or even younger friends) are already allowed social media use. You know your child best. Your family is allowed to have their own path and way of managing this subject.   

Social media is not a one time conversation 

Like most important topics, social media and mental health should not be a one-time conversation. Before your teen ever starts to use social media, talk about how it can impact their mental health and work together to set up the ground rules you think will work for your family. 

Setting up a regular time to check-in (like Sunday evenings or every other Thursday) and putting it on the family calendar can help normalize consistent reevaluation of how things are going a priority in your family. It will also create space to have conversations around things like staying safe online, treating people with kindness online, and what to do if they stumble upon disturbing or upsetting images. 

Taking a peak at our own habits can be illuminating. 

As we begin to explore how social media can impact our teenagers mental health, it can be valuable to look at how it impacts us too. Our kids do what we model, so be sure that you’re treating social media the way you want your kids to treat it and talking openly about how you balance your social media usage and your mental health. Social media use should not be forced on anyone, so if your child requests that they don’t want their photos posted on your account, that is something to respect and is a great boundary setting on their part! Your relationship to social media may change as your child starts their own engagement and reflection on your usage. That is okay!

One day in the not-too-distant future your teenager will be an adult. And as an adult it will be important for them to understand how social media usage can impact their mental health and to act accordingly. By teaching them what they need to know now and letting them practice these skills in the safe environment of your home, you’ll be giving them what they need to use social media wisely and take care of their own mental health in the long run. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• Combatting your teen’s negative self-talk
• Helping siblings get along

“Social anxiety is a condition that causes people to experience nervousness when interacting with others. There is often a feeling of doing something embarrassing, or being judged or criticized. This type of anxiety can lead to people avoiding social situations and can even have a negative impact on their daily lives,” says Ovia Health Expert, Tamika Simpson. 

If your child has been diagnosed with social anxiety or you suspect that they are experiencing it, here are the steps you can take to help your child manage social anxiety.

Seek therapeutic help

Social anxiety is not something that kids can will themselves to get over. If your child’s social anxiety is impacting their daily life, their overall mood, or their ability to enjoy regular activities, it’s time to seek help. Many children and adolescents find that working with a therapist allows them to identify strategies and patterns of thinking that can be helpful as they navigate the world. 

Listen to them when they share their feelings

As parents, we often want to fix things for our children. Unfortunately, we cannot fix social anxiety, even if we think we have the best suggestions and ideas in the world. When your child comes to you and shares their feelings, do your best to listen with openness and curiosity and avoid offering input or suggestions unless they ask you to. Asking follow up questions like,“What makes you think that?” or “How would you feel if that happened,” can help you get a deeper understanding of the way your child thinks. 

Ask them what they need

Only your child knows what they want and need from you. Instead of making assumptions around how they will feel about certain situations or what they will want you to do, ask them explicitly and then do your best to meet their needs. Even asking what they would like from you can be a powerful way to inspire kids and teens to really consider their needs and desires. 

Don’t expect to solve everything all at once

Many teens who experience social anxiety also have other mental health challenges. Instead of hoping to wave a magic wand and fix everything all at once, let your child set the tone and pace of your support and do your best to meet them where they are. Celebrate small wins and let your child know that your home is a safe space and you’ll be there for them no matter what. 

Social anxiety can be particularly challenging for older kids and teenagers to navigate as so much of their world revolves around their peers. Getting them the help and support they need and being a consistent and non-judgemental presence in their life will go a long way towards helping them thrive! 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

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While every preteen and teen is different, there are some things that hold true for all of them when it comes to mental health. Read on to learn what you need to know to support your preteen or teenager’s mental health. 

Big feelings are normal 

Preteens and teenagers are people. And, just like all people, it’s normal for them to experience a range of emotions. Often these big feelings may seem exaggerated or outsized to the adults in their life but it’s important to remember that the feelings they are experiencing are valid even if you (or any other adult) doesn’t feel like the situation that is spurring those feelings is a big deal. 

Next time your teen is feeling angry, frustrated, embarrassed, or upset, do your best to listen to them express their feelings without offering any judgment about the situation that brought them on. Validate what they are feeling, even if it seems out of proportion to you. They need to know someone is on their team in tough moments.

Managing big feelings is a skill

While experiencing big feelings is an innate part of being a human, possessing the skills to manage those big feelings is not. Managing and expressing feelings is a skill that must be learned and most preteens and teens will need to practice managing their feelings many, many times, before they are able to do so with adult maturity. 

Talking explicitly about how to manage and express feelings, modeling the healthy expression of feelings, and providing lots of coaching and support can help your teen develop the skills they’ll need to function well as an adult. 

There’s nothing wrong with seeking therapy

Often, parents worry about whether things are normal but don’t seek out additional support because they’re not sure if their teen “really needs” therapy or not. The great thing about therapy though is that it can be helpful to nearly everyone! In past generations, therapy was often thought of as something that only people in crisis need or as a last-resort when parents didn’t know what else to do. Now, therapy is much more socially accepted as something that everyone and anyone can benefit from. If you’ve wondered if your teen could benefit from therapy, don’t hesitate to sign up and find out! If you’re unsure how to navigate finding mental health support, their primary care provider or school should have initial resources for you.

The basics of mental health are true for preteens and teenagers too

Most adults know the mental health basics; that things like eating well, staying hydrated, getting outside, moving your body, avoiding overusing social media, and seeking out meaningful connections can help you feel good and stay well. These basic things tend to hold true for preteens and teenagers as well. Let your kid see you taking good care of your mental health and explicitly call out when you are doing something to support your mental health so that they begin to learn what self-care really means and how to prioritize it. 

Parents matter a lot

It’s important for your teenager to know that they can count on you no matter what. Tell your teen how much you love them exactly as they are and make sure your actions back up the words you say. At a time when teens are exploring their independence and often spending a lot of time with their peers, it’s easy to believe that they don’t need or care about you. In reality, that could not be further from the truth — teenagers need their parents’ guidance, support, and love even if they swear they don’t!

When our kids are little we spend a lot of time managing their basic needs. We provide healthy meals and snacks, make sure they take their baths, and offer clean clothes for them to wear each day. As preteens and teenagers they start to take over many of these basic tasks but, despite being tall and independent in many ways, they still really need their parents. 

Supporting your child’s mental health as they enter and progress through the teenage years is one of the most important things you can do as a parent. Doing so is a big task, and one that can often feel really lonely. You may find you need your own support while going through this process. In fact, some research shows a benefit for teen mental health when parents are enrolled in therapy — a total win-win! 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

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Set a good example

“As parents and caregivers, our ability to express, name, and manage our own tough emotions is an important way children and teens learn. The good news is that it’s normal and important to show that you’re human and experience all kinds of emotions. It’s okay to show up at home as your authentic self.

But there is a big difference for kids when a parent expresses anger, for example, by shutting down, raging or shutting them out instead of just talking about it. “I’ve had such a tough day while you were at school. A situation at work made me so angry, and it’s not your fault at all. I’m having some big feelings to manage today.” Your child doesn’t need to be a confidant or understand your big problems, but they can see that all emotions are okay to have — and that the tough ones don’t last forever,” says Ovia Health Coach, Lilly Schott. 

Spend a little time reflecting on how you manage your emotions and consider whether you’re setting an example you want your kids to follow. If you feel like you have a hard time with this, there are many avenues to work on change. Many parenting experts and coaches have resources, while seeking therapy can also help you develop the coping skills you hope to pass down to your own kids. 

Share concrete ideas

It’s easy to tell our teens to calm down. Telling someone to calm down without teaching them how isn’t very effective though, and often has the opposite impact in the moment. When you’re talking with your kids about managing big emotions, offer them some concrete options to try. Things like deep breathing, listening to music they like, walking away, punching a pillow, journaling or moving their bodies can be very helpful in managing emotions. 

Talk about it when they’re in a good mood

While it can be tempting to try to help your child “calm down” when they’re feeling angry or frustrated, it’s really tough for activated brains to learn new skills. Instead of trying to teach an anger or frustration-management tool when they’re already upset, introduce it when they’re feeling calm and happy. Practice it with them before you call on them to give it a try when they really are upset. 

Point out when they’re doing a good job

When your teen is experiencing a tough emotion and coping well, it can be powerful to point out for them what a good job they are doing. You might say something like, “I know it really upset you to find out your friend spread a rumor about you. I know you’re feeling really angry and I’m proud that you decided to talk to me about it and go for a run before you call or text your friend.” 

Be the rock

When our kids are upset or dealing with a tricky situation, we often want to jump to a “fix.” Many times, our job isn’t to fix anything or even to offer a solution. Sitting with your child and listening deeply, and acknowledging that their emotions are real and valid is powerful. A simple statement like “I believe you,” can go far. Allowing older children and teens to problem solve is crucial for their independence even if you want to jump in with a million ways to make it better. 

While we all know that it’s important for kids to learn how to manage difficult emotions, seeing our kids experience frustration, sadness, and anger can be really hard. Next time you see or get the sense that your kiddo is experiencing something difficult, take a deep breath and know that how you help them process their emotions now has the power to give them the emotional intelligence that will benefit them for their entire life. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

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