It’s normal to fumble a little when talking about puberty. You don’t have to get every chat perfectly scripted or started. What matters is that you give your child plenty of opportunities to learn and ask questions. Being honest and direct and respecting what feels sensitive or embarrassing to them is key. Any caregiver can have these conversations. Your child’s openness may surprise you!

Bra shopping

Periods don’t have a clear start time. They can start as early as age 8 and as late as 16. We know that periods are going to happen, and talking about them early and often increases comfort and decreases shame. Being aware of the physical changes that happen before periods start can help. Periods usually start about 2 years after the first signs of breast development. You can’t circle an exact date on your calendar, but if you haven’t started talking about periods when breast development starts, it’s definitely a great window to get chatting!

Avoid surprises

Periods can be scary when kids aren’t prepared. And because a period can start anytime and anywhere, the first one can leave your child feeling very overwhelmed in a public place. As soon as you are aware of breast development, you can start small with some of these intros:

• I was wondering what you’d heard about periods from your friends or books.
• Is there anything you’re worried about later in puberty?
• Does anyone at school get their period yet? I thought we could talk about what that’s like. 
• I bought you some period supplies. Is now an okay time to talk about how they work?
• If someone were upset about their period, how could you help?

If you’re having these conversations with a child who won’t get a period, way to go! Half of the population gets a period, so there shouldn’t be any shame or embarrassment about it. But if people don’t understand how cycles work, they might be more likely to tease others or ignore what’s happening.

Learning about periods and cycles

Depending on when your child gets their period, they may be ready to start cycle tracking independently or need some support. You can also teach them in advance how things work by showing how you or a partner/friend track their cycle. Periods can be very irregular for the first two years, but it never hurts to try to be prepared for the next one. 

Let your child know that they won’t come like clockwork, and that things like stress, travel, and illness can throw off anyone’s cycle. This can help manage their expectations. It’s a great idea to teach them about the other phases of their cycle too as they might start to notice physical and emotional symptoms.

The Ovia app is a great place to start, set to cycle tracking mode (as opposed to trying to conceive mode). Again, helping them to be prepared for what to expect — how many days of bleeding they might have and how their body and mind will feel — can make all the difference for their confidence.

How to prepare for periods

Ideally you can keep a stock of period supplies at home, and a few key items in a school or activities bag. Once your child knows their preferences, you can bulk order what they like. 

• Pads in various absorbencies. These will be the easiest to start with in many cases. Most brands now make slimmer versions that fit a tween’s body better and are less noticeable under clothes and in their school bag. 
• Tampons in various absorbencies. Although they may take some time to get the hang of, active tweens may need to use a tampon to participate in certain activities, or some just may feel more comfortable without a pad on.
• Period underwear. A few pairs of period underwear can be a game changer for comfort. It means less risk of a leak through at school, and can be great on the days leading up to an expected period. Modibody and Tomboy have been shown to be PFAS-free. 
• Regular full coverage underwear in darker colors. Staining is inevitable, and pads are easier to adhere to full coverage, brief style underwear. (It’s also a great idea to have an extra pair in a school bag just in case.)
• Pain relief, like Ibuprofen and heating pads for cramps or headaches.

Menstrual cups are also an excellent period option, but often better to try once they’ve got the initial hang of things! If they’re interested from the start in using a cup, it’s safe to try and many come in slightly smaller sizes for tweens.

Preparing your child (and yourself) for the start of their period can mean the difference between a scary transition and one that happens with ease. The more you bring it up and normalize the conversation, the more your whole family will feel increased comfort when the time comes.

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Yes, you should be talking with your kids about sex

First things first, let the official record show that you should be talking to your kids about sex. When your kids learn about sex from you, you get to control the narrative. You can talk about what qualifies as sex, staying safe, and the potential risks as well as the rewards. 

Choosing not to talk with your kids about sex — or pushing off the conversation just a little bit longer — will not keep your kid from learning about sex on TV and TikTok, from their schoolmates and siblings, and online. 

Plus there are tons of related conversations that are worth having as early as feels appropriate to you. We know that on average, kids see porn for the first time at age 12. While your child may not fall into this group, it’s probably a good idea to have conversations with them about how porn fits into the picture. 

The trouble with “The Talk”

The use of the word ‘The’ suggests that this is a one-and-done conversation, but talking to them about sex just once won’t cut it.

Sure, one conversation may seem like an easier undertaking for you, the parents. But actually, it puts way more pressure on you to say all the right things! Plus, covering all the things your kiddo needs to learn would take hours. Bluntly, nobody wants to be monologuing about lovemaking for that long! 

A one-time conversation also robs your child of the opportunity to sleep on the new information, and come back with questions or clarifications on the bits they’re confused about. 

The replacement: Ongoing sex conversation 

Consider talking about sex at various intervals. Even better, try creating a culture in your family where the lines of communication are open and honest about all topics. 

In practice, that might look like:

• Explaining music lyrics your kiddo doesn’t understand, even when they’re sexual
• Naming the sex acts on screen TV shows and movies you’re watching as a family
• Opening up about your own experiences with puberty, kissing, and relationships
• Purchasing age-appropriate sex-education pamphlets and books

Remember, these sex talks aren’t just about sex. They are — or should also be — be about body parts, reproduction, consent, masturbation, pregnancy and pregnancy protection, sexually transmitted diseases, gender and sexuality, and more. 

When to start the conversation

There is no one-size-fits-all rule for when you should start having these conversations or what those topics should include. Where you live, what TV shows and social media platforms your kid has access to, and the ages of the other kids your child is spending time with, will all influence the likelihood that they hear about sex from someone other than you. 

Ahead, some general guidelines of what topics to cover and when. 

Ages 0 to 5

This is the time your child is learning the names of their different body parts. Rather than giving their genitals cutesy nicknames like “pee-pee”, “down there”, or “gi-gi”, use biologically accurate words. It’s also okay to introduce the topic of privacy, and when it’s okay for trusted adults to help with private parts (diaper changes, washing, at the hospital). 

Teaching toddlers the proper names for their genitals and other reproductive organs can stop shame around those body parts from developing. Without the weight of shame, this gives them more comfort to ask the questions they might have about those parts, how they feel, and how to know if something is wrong. It also gives them the language to name if someone(s) touches them without their consent. 

Ages 3 to 5

This is the age that many kids like to run around naked — for instance after bath time – and it’s a good opportunity to address appropriate places to be naked (home) versus less appropriate places (public). 

This is also a good time to start to introduce the idea of consent. That means encouraging your children to say no to things like physical contact. For instance, if your child does not like to be held when they are upset, avoid holding them. Similarly, if they do not want to hug an extended family member, they shouldn’t be forced to do so. Reading books about body boundaries, consent and privacy is a great way to start these tricky discussions.

Ages 6 to 8 

Usually, kids ask where babies come from by this age range. Though, it could be significantly earlier if they encounter a pregnant person (for instance, you or your partner) during that time. 

When addressing these questions, start by broadly addressing that two people coming together very very closely is a prerequisite for pregnancy. Then, answer follow-up questions that may pop up. Some kids will be satisfied by the bare minimum, while others will want more details. Feel free to start small with just a drop of information for them to absorb.

From there if they’re showing interest, you can go ahead and explain the way a sperm can fertilize an egg and how that can lead to pregnancy. Because this can be a confusing concept for even adults to grasp, visuals and diagrams can be helpful here! You can feel free to discuss how animals, trees and other things grow and come from “seeds” if that’s helpful.

Ages 8 to 12

Don’t hate the messenger, but puberty starts much earlier than most parents realize. Actually, data suggests that kids assigned female at birth (usually, girls) start puberty, on average, at age 11. Meanwhile, kids assigned male at birth (usually, boys) start at 12. Remember: these are averages, which means that half of kids are beginning puberty earlier than this. 

You want to talk to your child about what puberty is and could entail prior to them experiencing it. Access to knowledge about puberty will help them understand what their bodies are doing, rather than being afraid or ashamed of changes. Again, starting these talks early and often can cut down on embarrassment and keep lines of communication open. Try to anticipate their needs during these phases from deodorant to razors to menstrual supplies. Try not to gender your chats, as it’s important for any child to understand and have empathy for the experiences of those around them.

Ages 13+ 

It’s a good idea to talk to your child about sexual intercourse — and other sex acts — before they are doing them. And bluntly, your kids are probably engaging in sexual activity far earlier than you think. On average, kids are kissing by age 14 and having penetrative sex by age 17. 

Throughout their teens, you want to talk about what sexual activity should (and should not) feel like and address potential unwanted risks of said activity, and what they can do to protect themselves. Finally, you should get specific about consent, outlining about what verbal consent looks like, highlighting that it can be revoked at any point, and debriefing what consent looks like if drugs and alcohol are involved. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Sibling dynamics can be challenging, but they have an enormous influence on a child’s life — especially when you consider that 82% of American children grow up with a sibling, and roughly 75% of 70-year-olds have a living sibling. As a result, they’re perhaps the longest relationships your children will have.

To help your testy adolescents develop a healthy bond with each other — even as they periodically clash and are forced to learn how to resolve those conflicts — here are some things you can do to give them the best chance of having a supportive, lifelong friendship. 

Avoid favoritism (or even a whiff of it)

Adolescents are incredibly sensitive to being treated differently or unfairly. Any perception of a favored child can spark competition, resentment, and unrest between siblings. For this reason, it’s best to steer clear of making sibling comparisons (“Your sister never did this!”) or taking sides (“You started it!”). 

Instead, try to stay aware of your biases and resist putting one child above the other. Consider offering similar privileges at similar ages and celebrating each child’s unique strengths. You can reinforce the latter by spending one-on-one time with each child doing things they uniquely enjoy. 

Should circumstances make it so you need to spend more time with one of your children than the others — due to a medical issue, for example — carefully explain why to your other children. You may think they already know, but it’s good to talk about the disparity and ask how they’re feeling. 

Speaking of “fair”

Many parents try to keep things 100% equal between each child. (I remember my mother having elaborate lists of exactly how much money she spent on each child at Christmas. It was important to her to have spent — to the penny — the same amount on each daughter.) But, what each child values and hopes for doesn’t have a price. This goes for material gifts, but also experiences and time with you. Focusing on making everything equal can actually increase competition between siblings as they constantly compare and examine. Instead? Focus on each child’s unique needs and desires. This not only connects you (and them) to their internal wishes, it takes the focus off of competition. 

Intervene at the first sign of bullying

Whereas a warm sibling relationship has been shown to promote empathy and prosocial behavior, a toxic sibling relationship — such as one marked by nonphysical aggression like excluding or belittling a sibling — is associated with depression, low self-worth, and risky behaviors for the bullied child.

While it’s generally recommended to let your adolescents try to resolve conflicts themselves first, bullying is different and it 100% can happen within families. If you observe this happening, you need to step in, listen to all of the feelings, and continue to establish clear family rules. Here are a few examples:

• In this family, we treat each other with kindness and respect.
• I cannot let you bully your sibling. I’m separating you both now. I’m on your team, and we will figure this out.
• No one gets to use the disputed item/space until a solution is reached. 
• Family members stick together and look out for each other, always.
• It’s okay to have moments when being a sibling is tough. I get it, I didn’t always love being a little sister either! But this house is a safe space for everyone.

Continued bullying or intimidation is a sign that the family needs additional support. Whether that’s changing your parenting approach or seeking therapy together/individually, it is a time-sensitive need.

Encourage shared activities and working together

To help your children’s relationship grow, spend time together as a family whenever you can — for example, playing games, watching movies, eating meals, or going on family walks or bike rides. You can also give your adolescents shared tasks, such as preparing a meal or raking leaves, with big kudos and praise for doing it harmoniously.

Use your words to send a message that working well with your sibling is important and something to be cherished. Don’t hold back on comments like: “I love it when you two work together so beautifully” or “You guys put your heads together and did something great!” It’s also okay to acknowledge that being a sibling is hard. Empathy when a little sibling is left out or a big sibling has more responsibilities is wonderful. You are not putting negative ideas in their head, but you are acknowledging that you’re there to support their tricky feelings about being a sibling.

A little praise and empathy go a long way — and if it works, the ultimate benefit is that you’ll not only have more peace at home, but your children will have each other to lean on for the long haul. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• Should we go to couples therapy?
• When should I introduce my child to a new partner?

Sources

• McHale, SM, et al. “Sibling Relationships and Influences in Childhood and Adolescence.” J Marriage Fam. 74(5): 913-930. October 2012. 
• Settersten, RA. “Social Relationships in the New Demographic Regime.” Advances in Life Course Research. Volume 12: 3-28. 2007. 
• McHale, SM, et al. “Sibling Relationships and Influences in Childhood and Adolescence.” J Marriage Fam. 74(5): 913-930. October 2012.
• Gallagher, AM, et al. “Longitudinal Associations Between Sibling Relational Aggression and Adolescent Adjustment.” J Youth Adolesc. 47(10): 2100-2113. October 2018. 

It’s only natural for both sets of in-laws to want to be more involved and to offer help and advice. But at times, this can feel downright overbearing. And sometimes, a lack of excitement can also cause hurt feelings and create feelings of isolation. In general, hurt is often from under or over-involvement. 

Here are some tips for setting boundaries with your in-laws as you and your partner solidify your own family unit, one that may have brand new customs alongside components of your unique upbringings.

Get on the same page with your partner 

Conflicts with your respective families are bound to come up, so it’s a good idea to talk about how to handle them in advance. For example, should each person deal with their own parents whenever there’s a sensitive topic? This can often be easier, as parents tend to be more forgiving of their own child. Try not to use your partner as a scapegoat in chats with your own parents about boundaries, present a united front even when it’s tough.

Also, it’s important to establish that your relationship comes first. While you may not always agree with your in-laws, the health of your relationship depends on being unified with your partner on in-law matters. Take a team approach and discuss issues in private, rather than in front of your in-laws. 

Create boundaries and find solutions to complicated in-law relationships

Talk about what’s bothering each of you, from unannounced in-law visits to grandparents who allow your child to eat too much junk food. Then take on the list that applies to your own parents and gently offer solutions, such as an approved snack list or a regular invite to Friday dinners at your house.

By presenting a solution along with the boundary, you’ll help offset the blow and make it easier for your parents to stick to the plan. If they know they’ll see you on Fridays, for example, they won’t feel shut out by the “no dropping by” rule or concerned that they won’t be able to see their grandchild. 

It is very common to have disagreements with another generation of parents. Your boundaries around physical touch, consent, and social media may be very different because of your perspective and experience. Remind yourself in tricky moments that certain boundaries are actually you sticking up for your kiddo, as this can make it easier to hold the line. 

Have a game plan for the holidays

The holidays are one of the most common times for in-law skirmishes, as they come full of expectations, longstanding rituals, and high emotions. Without a game plan, you and your partner can both end up feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or resentful.

With two sets of in-laws, you simply may not be able to please everyone. Many couples find that accepting this is the first step to figuring out your shared vision of holiday sanity — whether it’s alternating between families each year, taking odd years off from attending family gatherings, or even creating a totally new tradition of your own.

Other holiday tips:

• Avoid accepting a family invite or making holiday plans without speaking to your partner.
• At holiday gatherings, avoid any topics that are known to get heated, such as politics. 
• If things get uncomfortable, have an exit strategy, such as a code word for when to leave.
• Make the most of nap time and feeding time to get a break from the action.
• Brainstorm new traditions or activities, like a pie-making contest, that can diffuse tension.
• Watch children for signs of overstimulation or discomfort, and again — have an exit strategy to use before things unravel.

Nurture a more joyful connection

In an ideal world, we’d all like to have a warm rapport with our in-laws. If that isn’t happening naturally, it can feel like a positive relationship with their grandchild is impossible. But the two relationships are distinct, and there are things you can do to try to foster a connection and keep the focus where you’d like it — such as on how awesome their grandchild is, and not on unsolicited input about your parenting or lifestyle. 

For example, you might decide to regularly share photos and videos of their grandchild or facilitate bonding opportunities, like encouraging your in-laws to take your child on fun outings. As a bonus, this could provide a breather for you and your partner, if not increased gratitude for your in-laws. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• Dealing with resentment in your relationship
• Fostering a lasting bond between siblings

How do you know when both of these factors are in place? Let’s take a closer look at each. 

Evaluating your new relationship

Falling in love with someone isn’t reason enough to introduce them to your child. Many new relationships don’t go the distance, and if you introduce your child too soon, it could cause unnecessary stress or anguish for them. This is because the feelings surrounding an attachment to you and another person are extremely complex for children of any age.

This is why it’s important to confirm that you’ve made it past the “honeymoon stage” and that you and your new partner have a good chance at a future together. Some experts say this means waiting at least six months, while others recommend nine to 12 months before introducing a new partner. That doesn’t mean you need to keep your relationship a total secret, older children especially, can be clued into the presence of someone important in your life without meeting in person. 

The exact right time may be difficult to pinpoint, but asking yourself these questions can help:

• Is this relationship serious and committed enough to warrant taking this step?
• Is my new partner a good fit for my family? Can I see them as a stepparent?
• What’s the rush? Do I really need to introduce my partner now, or can it wait?
• Have I noticed any red flags or safety concerns?

Exploring whether your child is ready

Even if you’re eager to move on, your child may not be. It’s important to keep in mind how much time has passed since your split from your previous partner or your child’s other parent. It can take a year or two for children to adjust to their parents’ separation, and introducing a new partner too soon could disrupt the healing process. 

Also, if your child is still hoping for a family reconciliation, they may be unwilling to accept your new partner, or they may even try to sabotage the relationship. Children who aren’t ready to see you with someone else may also act out due to feelings of jealousy or anxiety. 

The best way to ensure your child is ready is by talking to them. Ask your child how they feel about meeting your new partner, and let their feedback be your guide. If they say yes, it’s a good indicator of readiness. Of course, age and maturity play a major role here. An older child can grasp some of what meeting a new partner means, while a toddler may have less ability to express or process their feelings. It’s also a great idea to let your co-parent know that you’ll be making an introduction — that way, no one’s caught off guard. 

Planning a successful first meeting

Here are a few tips for making the introduction as comfortable and non-pressurized as possible. Make sure your new partner is aware of the recommendations and boundaries in place:

• Pick a neutral place that your child likes. It could be a park, an ice cream shop, or a casual restaurant. It could also involve some type of activity that your child enjoys. 
• Keep it brief and low-key. This is not the time for a long outing. Try to keep the first meeting short and informal. From there, you can gradually build up to spending more time together.
• Avoid physical displays of affection. Touching or kissing your partner could be off-putting at first. Instead, sit next to your child and provide lots of attention to prevent any sense of rivalry. Do not force your child to be affectionate with your new partner, allow them safe boundaries for touch.
• See if your child has questions before or after. Address any concerns, accept that there will be complicated feelings, and offer reassurance that having a new partner won’t take away from the love you have for them. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• How to tackle complicated in-law relationships
• Dealing with resentment in your relationship

How to help your kids understand and handle money

Here’s what parents can do to help their teens and preteens understand the basics of personal finance so they can handle their money responsibly at every life stage. Although you’ve probably been teaching about money through play with their toy grocery or ice cream store set-up in younger years, now that learning is starting to show up in the real world!

Teach about earning money

Teaching kids “the value of a dollar” might seem like a cliche, but it’s actually a really crucial life lesson. Until they’ve had their first job, many teens don’t quite grasp how much time or effort it takes to earn $1, $20, or $100.

If they’re not old enough to work a regular gig, consider paying your child to help with things around the house, like mowing the lawn or washing the car. They might also be able to earn some money by helping people in your neighborhood with babysitting, dog walking, or raking leaves.

Help them understand needs vs. wants

Another essential life lesson is understanding the difference between needs and wants. Explain to your child that needs are things that help them live and thrive, like a home, food, and transportation to school. Wants are everything else. A trip to the grocery store can be really instructional to talk about food needs and foods wants — and just how quickly things add up! Bonus points for looking for coupons or making a list before you go.

Set small savings goals

Once they have some of their own money, you can help your teen or preteen set small savings goals. You’ll have to help them understand that if they can resist spending all their money as it comes in, they can eventually afford bigger things they want, like concert tickets or a video game.

Offer a lesson in investing

You can also teach your kids that they can earn money just by having money (aka investing). For instance, they could lend their trusted parent cash for a date night, with the promise that the money will be paid back the very next day, plus 10% interest. Consider an app with options to buy fractional shares in companies they really like! It’s never too early to get a sense of how investing works.

Offer a lesson in interest

On the other hand, you can teach them about the cost of borrowing money they don’t have. For example, you might lend your teen money for a purchase if they agree to pay you back by a certain day (or in increments), plus a small amount in interest. This will help them understand the general concept of a credit card, and its pitfalls, before they’re old enough to get one.

Open a first bank account

It’s good to help your child open their first bank account before they graduate from high school. For middle schoolers, a savings account is probably the best option — it’s not attached to a debit card, but they can still withdraw cash if needed.

By age 15 or 16, you might want to help your teen open their first checking account with a linked savings account. This will help them understand how to deposit money, use a debit card, and separate their savings from their spending money. It should always be monitored by an adult, but never risk their future credit by using it for the family.

Help them make a budget

Budgeting is important at every age, and the earlier you learn it, the easier it is to stick with it. For preteens and younger kids, physical buckets are a great place to start. For instance, you can get three jars and label them “spending money,” “savings,” and “short-term goals.”

Mobile budgeting apps might be a better choice for high schoolers with smartphones. Some of the best ones for teens include Bankaroo, Rooster Money, Greenlight, Gohenry, and BusyKid.

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• Could my child be autistic?
• Screens and safety monitoring

Of course, they also use them for entertainment and social connection. So how much screen time is too much for preteens and teens? The answer isn’t necessarily cut-and-dried.

Here’s what to consider.

How much screen time should a tween have?

On a typical school day, you might consider limiting your middle schooler’s screen time to two hours. To some parents, this might seem like a lot, and to others, it might seem too restrictive.

It’s ultimately a personal choice for families. But in the end, time spent watching TV or scrolling through social media shouldn’t compromise getting enough sleep, being active, doing homework, eating meals as a family, or getting face-time (not to be confused with FaceTime) with friends on the weekends.

How much screen time should a teen have?

For high schoolers, a family media plan, like this one from the AAP, can be more useful than a set number of hours of screen time per day. Allowing independence and privacy is appropriate for teens, but remember that technology is designed to be addictive. They can still use your help and support with limits, especially if they get distracted while doing homework!

How to limit your maturing child’s screen time

Worried your child is spending too much time online? Here’s what you can try.

Make it about their health and wellbeing

Make it clear to your child that using a smartphone or computer can be helpful, but can also cause many kids to have increased feelings of anxiety or distress. Homework often calls for internet use, but outside of that, it’s something parents can and should regulate to help tweens and teens stay regulated and healthy.

Establish rules

Most teens and tweens — and let’s be honest, even some adults — are unable to self-limit their screen time. That’s why it’s up to parents to establish rules about what electronics can be used for, when they can be used, and for how long. Each child may need different approaches, and that’s okay! 

Have phone-free family meals

Consider making it a rule that everyone in the family has to put their phones away when eating meals together. This will give you a chance to connect face to face, talk about each other’s days, and actually enjoy the meal in front of you. With busy schedules, this daily family time can be crucial.

Lead by example

If you tell your child they can’t be on their phone for more than three hours a day, you’re wise to follow suit. Your message will be much more effective and respected if they see you limiting your screen time too.

Media safety for preteens and teens

Though the internet is undoubtedly a necessary tool for success in the modern world, it also opens doors to age-inappropriate content and other temptations for teens and tweens. And since tweens and teens have trouble appreciating the long-term consequences of their digital footprint, it’s okay to get involved.

We recommend talking to your child early and often about online safety and media responsibility. This includes the dangers of sharing private information, talking to strangers, sexting, and cyberbullying. 

Kids of all ages should know that their devices are monitored by you, and that you don’t need permission to take a look — any time — at what they are up to. Safety monitoring apps and alerts for parents are important, but there is no substitute for physically looking at their devices and checking in. Each family, and even each child, will have unique rules about respecting privacy, passwords and parental controls. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• The HPV vaccine and why it’s so important
• Could my child be autistic?

Sources

• N​​emours Children’s Health. “Media Use Guidelines for Teens.” 2022. Web. https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/screentime-teens.html
• Johns Hopkins All Children’s Hospital. “Screen Time Guidelines for Teens.” Web. https://www.hopkinsallchildrens.org/Patients-Families/Health-Library/HealthDocNew/Screen-Time-Guidelines-for-Teens
• Mayo Clinic Health System. “Children and screen time: How much is too much?” 2021. Web. https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/children-and-screen-time

But with a little guidance, you can help your preteen or teen manage their daily schedule and prepare for adulthood — in turn, they’ll be more of a help at home.

What parents can try to improve executive functioning in teens and tweens

Executive functions are essentially self-management skills that allow us to plan ahead, focus our attention, remember directions, and juggle more than one task at a time. They’re crucial for adults, but many people start learning them in their adolescent years.

Here’s what you can try to help your teen or tween level up on their executive functioning skills.

Making to-do lists

Making a daily to-do list is a tried-and-true method of staying organized. Whether they use a mobile app or an old-fashioned pen and paper, this might help your child visualize what needs to be done and find satisfaction each time they check something off.

Breaking up tasks in steps

More complex tasks are often overwhelming, making your child avoid getting started. But breaking them up into smaller steps can help them feel like it’s something they can actually accomplish.

Keeping a family calendar

Consider keeping a family calendar in plain sight with all your shared events and potentially a chore schedule. This will help your child know what’s coming up, where they’re expected to be, and what they need to do in the next few weeks or months.

Tidying up and organizing at home

Keeping the home tidy might come easy for adults, but your kids may not see it that way. To help them build this executive functioning skill, start with something you can tackle together, like cleaning up after dinner or folding laundry. Talk about how you’re doing things and in what order, then the next time, let them try handling the task on their own. Some kids will need a reference the next time, like a written list or picture chart to describe which step is first. 

Assigning chores ahead of time

If you want your middle schooler or high schooler to be better about helping out at home, try assigning chores ahead of time. This might be met with less resistance than requesting something in the moment. For instance, if you want them to take the garbage out weekly or empty the dishwasher nightly, consider adding it to the family calendar or a shared chore chart.

5-minute nightly clean-up

Another idea is to have everyone in the family participate in a five-minute nightly clean-up. Set a timer, and allow each person to take on whichever cleaning or tidying task they want. Five minutes is short enough to make it something your child doesn’t dread. And who knows? It might end up being a fun family activity.

5-minute next-day planning

On a similar note, you might try encouraging your teen or tween to spend five minutes each night getting ready for the next day. This might involve writing a to-do list, laying out their clothes, or packing their backpack.

Following through

It can be easy to swoop in when things aren’t done at all, or even when they aren’t done to your standards. Try to offer praise for even a failed attempt, or support if a complicated task isn’t going well. All children learn in different ways, so using a different method or explanation can be helpful. And even poorly folded laundry is still folded laundry!

If chores or tasks aren’t getting done at all, in some cases it’s okay to let things play out. If your teen was in charge of packing their sneakers for gym or their homework — you don’t always have to rescue them when they forget. Small failures are great learning opportunities, and kids won’t benefit from an additional punishment from you. Make family rules clear before chores are assigned. For example, “There isn’t screen time until chores are done. I’ll help you stay focused to unload the dishwasher by holding your phone.” At the end of the day, you’ll be trusting them with more and more responsibilities!

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• Let’s talk money
• Does my kid have ADHD

Sources

Harvard University. “Executive Function & Self-Regulation.” Center on the Developing Child. Web. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/executive-function/

According to research, tweens try alcohol between 11 and 13 years old. Further, data suggests that kids are using drugs as early as the age of 15. However, in states where marijuana use is legal, the average age is likely younger. 

Here’s a guide to help get the conversation started. 

1. Figure out your own relationship to drugs and alcohol

What you say to your kids about drugs and alcohol is important — but what you show to them about drug and alcohol use is more important. If alcohol or other substances are openly consumed in your household, you want their use by any adults to reflect what you’re discussing and promoting with your kids. For example, it’s hard for kids to make sense of messages about moderation when they see adults get out of control. 

Culturally, especially for some parents, “wine-time” or the need for alcohol is a frequent joke. But kids might not perceive these conversations the same way. It’s a good idea to be mindful about the way alcohol is discussed at home. And if you’re a caregiver, spend some time considering your own relationship with drugs and alcohol. Here are some questions to ask yourself: 

• Do substances energize or depress me? 
• Can I stop using or do I regularly use more than I intended or get impaired?
• Do I ever find myself hiding what I am using (or how much I am using)?
• Have you ever chosen drinking alcohol or doing drugs over other activities? 

If your answers to these questions reveal that your own relationship with drugs and alcohol need mending, consider informing a mental healthcare provider, working with an addiction specialist, or talking to someone at the SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). 

After all, children with caregivers with substance issues are more likely to start using substances earlier, and more likely to become addicted than their peers. 

2. Take advantage of teachable moments

Maybe you’ll walk past a group of smokers on your way into the mall. Or you’ll walk in on your kiddo watching “Euphoria” with their older sibling. Maybe your relative will get drunk at the holiday party. If these — or similar — incidents happen, use them as an opportunity to talk to your kids about drugs and alcohol, and the potential risks. 

Here are some ways you might bring it up:

• I wonder why that character was doing “X.” What do you know about “X?” 
• Have you learned anything about alcohol in school? 
• I’d love to talk to you about how Uncle Tim acted at dinner the other night and answer any questions you might have. 
• How does it make you feel when you see them vaping? 

On the other hand, don’t feel like you need to wait for an easy opportunity. It’s okay to talk about drugs and alcohol anytime to keep the topic open and free of judgment. Avoiding these conversations will not prevent your child from being exposed to drugs and alcohol socially. But practicing how to navigate those situations can be a game-changer. 

When you talk to your child, do your best to keep your tone curious. It can also be helpful to keep the terminology basic, so that they fully understand what you are saying. Avoid consequences or punishments if they talk about an experience they had, and you don’t approve of how they handled it. Suggest ways or small scripts they could use the next time. Even role play with them to help them remember what to say and feel comfortable doing it!

3. Start early if they know people who smoke or drink

If someone in your immediate family drinks or does drugs — in particular if it’s in excess — you’re going to want to start talking to your kid about the potential harm of drugs and alcohol sooner rather than later. 

Here, it can be especially helpful to explain the difference between drinking in moderation and addiction. While a middle-schooler likely will not grasp the way the neurotransmitters in the human brain work, they will be able to understand the ways that video games or Halloween candy can be addicting, and how you can use too much. 

The goal here is to educate your kids, and give them the tools to manage those tricky situations when they come up. Scare tactics are not generally a useful tool for keeping your little ones safe, although it is okay to be honest if someone in their life has had negative life changes or dies because of drugs and alcohol.

4. Lean on resources that might help you

If you’ve never searched “books about addiction” into your Amazon search bar, you might be surprised to learn just how many books there are about addiction that are age-appropriate for middle schoolers. 

Some of these books include:

• Different Like Me by Evelyn Leite and Pamela Espeland
• Easter Ann Peters’ Operation Cool by Jody Lamb
• Fresh Fables: The Dragon Who Lives at Our House by Elaine Mitchell Palmore and Norris Hall 
• Addie’s Mom Isn’t Home Anymore by Genia Calvin  

Depending on your kiddos personality, as well as your own parenting style, you can read this book aloud to them, use it as a teaching guide, or have them read it independently.

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• Transitioning from middle to high school
• Let’s talk money

The high school years can be challenging for sure, but this time is also an exciting opportunity for your teen to explore their identity and establish more confidence. 

Social 

As middle school students often reshuffle into different high schools, your child may lose and gain friendships. They may also shed social status as they enter a larger school with older students. All the while, they’ll be carving out their identity, seeking peer validation, and possibly starting their first romantic relationship. You might notice that your teen wants to try new styles of dressing, hang out with different friends, or explore different extracurricular activities. 

This can be an emotionally challenging time for parents as you might feel overwhelmed or concerned about your teen gaining even more independence. It can help to set some expectations and ground rules to keep your mind at ease and your teen safe. And especially as drugs, alcohol, sex, and more enter the picture, it’s important that you keep or establish open communication with each other.

If communication and/or connection have been a challenging part of your family dynamic,  now is the time to double down on your efforts through family meetings or other time together. Your teen may need boundaries, but they also need the reassurance that they can come to you with their hardest emotions and situations without fear.

Academic 

Your child’s classes will be both faster-paced and more stimulating in high school. Some students will even be able to take college-level “advanced placement” (AP) courses. They’ll have to learn to juggle school work with extracurriculars, part-time employment, and social obligations, which can cause some stress. Dropout rates vary across the country, but graduation rates are about 87%.

Starting in ninth grade, teachers and administrators will encourage your child to start making plans for after high school. If your child wants to pursue a bachelor’s degree, they will have to start the college application process, which may include taking the SAT or ACT in their junior year. Exciting and stressful, this time tends to create comparison and competition among teenagers (and sometimes even their parents). If you get the sense that your teen is getting a little too wrapped up in other people’s perceptions of them, try to help them re-center on what makes them happy and what they’re excited about for their future, independent of their friends’ plans. It’s easy to look for external validation, even as adults, but helping your teen find what brings them independent joy is so important.

Physiological 

Puberty will cause your child to develop physically, emotionally, sexually, and cognitively. They may experience mood swings and body image changes. It’s important to pay attention to their mental health as eating disorders are prevalent in teens and depression and other mental health conditions are rising. If you’re ever feeling concerned about your teen, persist in communicating with them about it. Choose a time when you’re both feeling relaxed and let them know that you’re there for them, that you care about their health and happiness, and that there are many paths to seek support if they need it. Offer examples of people they know who have needed more family support or therapy to normalize getting help.

While high schoolers can do many of the things adults can do, their brains are still developing into their early twenties. This means they’re not always great at future thinking and proactive planning and may still rely on your guidance for some of these tasks. A little parental patience goes a long way as they learn these valuable skills.

How to guide your teenager 

Some anxiety over all of the changes when starting high school is normal. But your child may be struggling more seriously with anxiety if they display some of the signs below.

• Not eating or sleeping as much as normal 
• Experiencing stomach aches, nausea, or headaches 
• Becoming more irritable or less lively than usual 
• Not wanting to go to school or attend extracurricular activities 

There are lots of ways to help guide your teen’s decision-making while promoting their independence. Here are some ideas. 

• Congratulate their efforts in addition to their achievements. Let them practice failure without fear of punishment.
• Encourage them to set goals beyond grades; have them envision the life they want to live after high school to help focus and motivate them in the short term. 
• Listen to them. Invite them to talk through solutions to their problems before you suggest any fixes or reframe their emotions.  
• Set consistent boundaries with your teenager. And if you have a partner, make sure they’re also enforcing these boundaries. 
• Be open to them exploring their identity. Experimenting with clothes and hairstyles is not the same as experimenting with drugs and alcohol. 
• Remember that some conflict with your teenager is normal and often the sign of a productive relationship. 
• Destigmatize reproductive health and talk about birth control options. 

You can also help your teen establish daily routines to thrive.

• Let them take a break and decompress after school. 
• Help them find a consistent time to complete homework. 
• Limit their social media engagement and overall screen time. 

How your teenager can thrive 

Considering your child may be driving and dating, they can take accountability for their wellbeing, too. This might look like:

• Viewing high school as a fresh start academically and socially 
• Participating in extracurriculars that they’re naturally good at but also exploring new activities 
• Seeking out a formal or informal mentor
• Using an agenda to track activities and assignments
• Using the “SMART” method to set goals that are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and time-bound
• Getting enough sleep and considering journaling to process emotions before bed

This is an exciting time filled with change. Your teen is becoming a more full version of themself and even if they don’t always want you to know it, you’re an essential part of who they are today and who they will be in all the years to come. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• Mental health in the age of social media
• Body confident parenting

Sources

• “Transitioning from Middle School to High School.” AFFECT. University of Hawaii at Manoa College of Education. https://affect.coe.hawaii.edu/lessons/transitioning-from-middle-school-to-high-school/
• Tiara Tan. “Tips for a smooth transition to high school.” Children’s Health Queensland. Queensland Government. https://www.childrens.health.qld.gov.au/blog-tips-for-a-smooth-transition-to-high-school/
• Laura Grey. “9 Tips for Helping Your Teen Transition to High School.” College Vine. College Vine. https://blog.collegevine.com/9-tips-for-helping-your-teen-transition-to-high-school/
• “7 Ideas for Handling the Transition from Middle School to High School.” Your Teen Magazine. Your Teen Magazine. https://yourteenmag.com/teenager-school/teens-high-school/transition-from-middle-school-to-high-school
• “How to Ease Your Child’s Transition From Middle to High School.” Commonwealth Charter Academy. Commonwealth Charter Academy. https://ccaeducate.me/blog/ease-students-transition-from-middle-to-high-school/
• Michael Lee Zwiers. “How to help your kids transition to high school.” The Conversation. The Conversation. August 22, 2017 https://theconversation.com/how-to-help-your-kids-transition-to-high-school-81018
• Grace Chen. “10 Ways Parents can Help Children Adjust to High School.” Public School Review. Public School Review. October 10, 2019. https://www.publicschoolreview.com/blog/10-ways-parents-can-help-children-adjust-to-high-school