Resentment in its various forms typically builds over time, and it can be one of the biggest relationship killers, especially for busy and overstretched parents. If resentment festers, you may start to lose empathy for your partner, shut down emotionally, and avoid conversation as well as intimacy.  

The problem is that this only makes things worse, as resentment has to be addressed in order to be resolved — and most importantly, to prevent it from damaging your relationship and negatively impacting not only your own wellbeing, but that of your children and partner as well. 

Identifying the warning signs (for both of you)

Here are some of most common indicators that you may be harboring resentment toward your partner:

• A sense of an unequal division of labor (e.g. with parenting, household chores, etc.)
• A feeling of being slighted, betrayed, or treated unfairly
• Increased irritability, disgust, and/or passive aggressiveness
• Embittered statements like “You always…” or “You never…”
• Less respect for your partner 
• Little to no interest in sex or intimacy
• Complaining frequently about your partner to others

As for your partner, or the person who is sensing your resentment, they may notice:

• Greater emotional distance and/or a disconnect between you
• An increase in tension and arguments, but without understanding why
• A feeling of being ignored, criticized, or cut off, leading to confusion and anxiety
• Increased shame and hopelessness about the noticeably unhappy dynamic

Tackling the big one: The division of labor

From washing uniforms to arranging carpools to enforcing rules, the daily to-do list for parents of adolescents can feel endless. Not surprisingly, one of the most common paths to resentment is feeling like you’re taking on significantly more parenting duties and domestic tasks than your partner.  

If it seems like you’re carrying the load, or your partner isn’t doing their fair share, it’s important to bring it up proactively to keep it from turning into something toxic. When you’re calm, share how you’re feeling and describe in very specific detail what your needs and expectations are. Don’t assume your partner already knows.  

From there, see how your partner is feeling and if there are any misunderstandings at play. It’s possible they want to help more but are fearful of doing things wrong — or not up to your parenting standards. In that case, you can let them know that perfection is not the objective, but rather being a team. It’s important to really own this piece, as default parents often like things done “their way.” Your partner’s best may look differently than you’d hoped, but this isn’t the time for criticism or inflexibility.

Tools and tricks to try

It may be helpful to try to go through and define (or redefine) who is responsible for what on a regular basis — and ideally put it in writing so that it can be reviewed and updated. Even if it’s not completely equal, it needs to feel like a fair division of responsibilities to both of you. These check-ins can help you feel more supported, and remind everyone where they are succeeding or need work. Remember that now that your children are older, there may be places where responsibilities can start shifting to them as well! They can’t learn without some failures along the way, so a parent can always be listed as their “back-up.”

When resentment rears its head again, another trick is to think about your partner’s good qualities and the contributions they do make. Another way to look at this is to assume your partner had good intentions, whether that’s something they did or something they said. It may help you put things in perspective and cultivate gratitude. After all, no one is without flaws, including you, and every relationship requires effort and compromise. 

And while it’s unlikely that every contribution each of you make is equal across all categories (household chores, home maintenance, childcare, etc.), when you step back and look at the bigger picture, you should feel like you’re a team and that you’re in it together. Any change is a process, so give your new perspective and organization time to bear fruit.

Being together

As parents, it can often feel that time with just the two of you is at a premium. Even when you get away for a date, a lot of that time can be spent just tackling the things mentioned above. Dating your partner doesn’t have to be time consuming or expensive. But it should avoid household maintenance chats or concerns about the kids. Setting aside even 30 minutes together to walk and talk or listen to a funny podcast is a way to reconnect bit by bit. If you’re feeling resentful, this allows you to slowly start to enjoy each other without the pressure of a multi-hour expensive dinner. Your children are aware of the effort you make to be a couple, and it sets a wonderful example to put the work in.

Resentment in your relationship: when to seek more help

If you’ve tried bringing the conversation up and it’s not going well, or nothing has improved, you may want to consider going to couples counseling to have an experienced therapist help you navigate fraught issues. It’s a commitment, but then again, so is a relationship. 

There are also online relationship courses that you can take to help you improve your communication as partners and co-parents, which is by far the biggest tool you have for weathering the ups and downs together. Healthy communication can make all the difference when life’s next conflict occurs. Seeking help is not a sign that something is wrong, it’s an investment in your family and your relationship.  

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• Fostering a lasting bond between siblings
• Should we go to couples therapy?

One of the advances in Covid care is the medication Paxlovid. Wondering if this might be a good fit for you? You’ve come to the right place!

What is Paxlovid

Paxlovid is a combination of two medications, nirmatrelvir and ritonavir. For it to be effective, you need to start it within five days of your first symptoms and take it for five days. The goal of treatment with Paxlovid is to reduce the chances of hospitalization and death for people at increased risk.

Providers have used ritonavir for a long time to treat pregnant people, and it has a good safety profile. We have less information about nirmatrelvir, but expert opinion is that its benefits in helping people avoid serious illness from Covid likely outweigh any unknown risks. 

Paxlovid during pregnancy

If you’re pregnant, at the very least your provider should offer you Paxlovid and feel comfortable discussing its risks and benefits given your unique health situation. They will consider your vaccination status and additional risk factors like diabetes, kidney disease, and any challenges to your cardiovascular health. 

Paxlovid while breastfeeding

If you’re breastfeeding, then you’re aware that it’s important to check the safety of all of your medications, as many pass into your breast milk. If you have risk factors for severe illness or are not vaccinated, you may want to talk to your provider about Paxlovid. 

Again, there isn’t a lot of safety data on nirmatrelvir, so it’s important to have a risk and benefit discussion with your provider. There is conflicting information on breastfeeding safety, and that can be very difficult to navigate. Parents are choosing a range of solutions, including continuing to breastfeed and pumping and dumping. The experts at the Infant Risk Center are updating information as it becomes available and are available for free consultation by phone. 

If you have questions or are interested in taking Paxlovid or understanding more about it so you can be prepared if you get Covid, reach out to your provider for more details. They have all the most up-to-date information and should be able to talk through your options. 

Read more

COVID-19, postpartum, and breastfeeding: your questions answered

Everything you need to know about the COVID-19 vaccines

Dear Ovia, How do I get my husband involved more with the baby if he’s not a “baby person”?

I hear you on this! I definitely had a partner who was terrified of the newborn stage. Too small! Too delicate! That soft spot! Ah! Not all stages are our favorites, and some general acceptance of that being normal may be helpful. If he’s excited about older ages and stages and doesn’t prefer where you are now, try not to judge the excitement factor. 

That said — it doesn’t excuse him from equal parenting, division of labor and (as you said) involvement. He can be less into a certain stage (it’s possible that you may not love a future stage when he’s all in), but he still has to be your partner and be loving and helpful. If dropping hints like, “The baby loves when you sing!” or “Can you read to the baby?” hasn’t worked, it’s time to up the ante. 

Consider asking that he be fully responsible for certain things. This means he’s the breakfast guru or the bathtime expert while you disappear. Having a sense of independence, bonding and responsibility will hopefully show him the joy of this stage, but at the very least it will allow him to relieve some of the pressure on you. Plus, sometimes it helps when a parent discovers their own way of doing things.

He should also have tasks like diaper ordering, meal planning, or washing pump parts — not just bonding activities. The mental load of caring for a baby is immense, and sharing these logistical tasks also counts as involvement.

Lastly, when you do things together as a family, try asking him to step into the role of wearing the baby, pushing the stroller or swing, etc. Often you may feel natural in those roles, but asking him to fill those shoes involves him and changes the overall dynamic. 

Read more from this series

• I’m just not in the mood
• Responsible for all the infant care

Infants

Certainly, we don’t have to tell you that very young babies need a lot from you — they eat often, require frequent diaper changes, and also love attention and being close to you. And they’ll certainly cry and let you know when they’re not feeling their happiest. But there’s a lot you can do to give your baby what they need, get in your daily quota of baby snuggles, and still get work done.

• Take advantage of nap time. When your little one is snoozing, thankfully, you’ll know that you can get in some uninterrupted work time. This is the time to check off those tasks that require deep focus or full attention. If you have a good sense of when your little one usually naps, you can plan ahead for these focused periods of work. 
• Keep your baby close. This might mean wearing your child in a carrier (which many babies love because they can be close to you, get in extra snuggle time, and even feel soothed by the motion of you moving around), which can give you some hands-free time to work. This might also mean working near your little one as they play on the floor near you or in a safe playpen. They’ll be happy to have you nearby, and you’ll know when they really need you. 
• Make focused time to connect. Your baby may be plenty happy just hanging out nearby, but they also really benefit from quality time when they have your full attention. So make sure to take a break here and there to fully focus on your little one. You might read them a book, play peek a boo, or cheer them on for tummy time — you’ll probably love the break from work as much as they will. 

Toddlers & preschool-aged kids

Slightly older kids need just as much from you, just in a different way. They might not technically need to eat as frequently or have diapers changed as often, but that third request for a string cheese or the potty accident you need to clean up might still make it feel like you can’t get a break from childcare long enough to get any work done. They also need just as much attention from you, and can let you know clearly how they feel about you splitting your focus. But hearing “Why do you have to work so much?” or “You never play with me!” may not be the cheerleading you need right now. Here’s what you can do to help keep them entertained, engaged, and feeling like they’re getting the attention they need from you — and so that you can feel confident finding balance. 

• Get on their level. You may not be able to do this all day, but if it’s possible for you to spend some time doing some work at your child’s level — maybe sitting on the floor with your laptop beside where they’re doing a puzzle, or alongside them at the table while they play with clay — they’ll feel happy and secure knowing that you’re so close. If you check in occasionally — to tell them how proud you are that they’re sticking with a challenging puzzle or to ask them if they’re making something new with their clay — they’ll also feel like you’re engaged in their play and they’re getting the attention they need. They may even be less likely to beg you to join them to play approximately one million times if you’re already right there.
• Help them find fun. Children at this age still don’t have the longest attention spans, and while they may, occasionally, stay really engaged in an activity that they’re excited about, it’s very common for them to want to bop from one set of toys to another. To help them embrace this curious energy, give them the freedom to choose what to explore (most little ones love choices!). This is not only exciting for them, but it also means you’re not constantly coming up with playtime activities. Try setting up little “stations” intended for different kinds of play that they can explore on their own while you work. Not that your living room suddenly needs to become a classroom, but if you think of a typical preschool space with an area for dolls, an area for art, an area for blocks, and so on, then you might get the idea. You can keep it simple by making a few different types of toys or play materials available to your little one — on a table, the floor, in small baskets, whatever is easy for you and accessible for them. Then your child can play a little with one, explore another, and, hopefully, let you get some work done. Over time, you may want to rotate out these toys on a regular basis so that your child feels like a toy is“new” even if they just haven’t played with it in a while.
• Focus on quality, not quantity. Kids at this age may be very vocal about wanting you to play with them and not work, which can be very tough to hear. Providing a little attention can help avoid “Why won’t you play with me?” questions. If possible, take a few moments throughout the day to step away from your work and really focus on engaging with them, free from other distractions. Worry less about how much time you can spend with your child and focus instead on really engaging with them when you do spend time together. Sit down where they’re playing and ask what they’re doing. Jump in and play along, but let them continue to take the lead. Find time every day to read a story together, and ask them questions about the characters, the plot, or the illustrations as you go. You could even cook a meal or take your dog for a walk together — those things you have to do anyway can be tons of fun for your child, and a special time you can both spend together consistently. 

Certainly, everyone’s job responsibilities are different, and everyone’s child has different ideas of what quality time looks like. No matter what, know that if you’re figuring out how to juggle your work and caregiving responsibilities, you’re not alone. You don’t have to aim for perfection, just whatever it takes to get through the day. You’re doing a great job.

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Care Team

Sources

• Corinn Cross. “Working and Learning from Home During the COVID-19 Outbreak.” American Academy of Pediatrics. American Academy of Pediatrics, June 16 2020. Retrieved Sept 30 2020. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/COVID-19/Pages/Working-and-Learning-from-Home-COVID-19.aspx.
• Damon Korb. “Age-Based Tips to Help Juggle Parenting & Working at Home During COVID-19.” American Academy of Pediatrics. American Academy of Pediatrics, June 16 2020. Retrieved Sept 30 2020. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/COVID-19/Pages/Tips-to-Juggle-Parenting-and-Working-at-Home-COVID-19.aspx.

That’s why we put together a list of things you can do to navigate this dynamic with care, compassion, and confidence if you have a higher sex drive than your partner does. 

1. Say no to shame

First, start by acknowledging that it is normal to want sex! In our sex-negative world, it’s common for people who desire sex frequently (or more than their partner does) to be made to feel like outliers. Women in particular are often made to feel deviant for desiring sex. 

But desiring touch is normal. And you are completely normal for desiring sexual touch. 

If you find yourself feeling guilty about or annoyed by your own libido, try repeating some of the below affirmations to yourself:

• I deserve the kind of sex I am craving. 
• I am worthy of pleasure. 
• My capacity for pleasure is a gift. 
• The way I express my sexuality is perfect. 

The only time desiring sex is unhealthy is if that desire is if it is actively interfering with the other parts of your life. If, for example, you’re so horny that you’re spending time when you’re supposed to be working, masturbating, something is up. In this instance a sex therapist can be helpful. 

2. Understand what is and is not reasonable  

It needs to be said: You can never force your partner to have sex with you ever. Consent is imperative in all types of sexual dynamics. 

It is, however, reasonable for you and your partner to talk about how you can each get your needs met within your relationship. And that stands for all kinds of needs: intellectual, mental, emotional, spiritual, and (yes!) sexual. 

3. Unpack W-H-Y you like having sex

Your knee-jerk reaction to that subheading may be to roll your eyes and say, “Because it feels good!” But take a moment to dig a little deeper than that. 

Why, exactly, does it feel good? Does it feel good because of the stress-relief perks of orgasm? Does it feel good because it’s one of the few times when you and your partner connect intimately? Does it feel good because it’s the only time you’re not checking technology? 

Spend some time noodling on or journaling about this topic. The answers to these questions will give you insight on all the reasons you desire sex. Having this intel gives you the tools you need to find alternative ways to get your needs met. 

If, for example, you crave partnered sex just for the orgasm, your solution may be to masturbate more. But if you crave sex because it functions as a doorway to intimacy, you and your partner might work together to find other ways to access intimacy (dinner dates, shared baths, long walks, etc). 

4. Talk to your partner

You aren’t going to be able to navigate this on your own — this is something that is going to require the work, intention, and care from both partners. 

When you bring up the topic, your goal is to be as compassionate as possible. This is a time for you to explain your unmet needs, but it’s also a time for you to actively listen as your partner tries to explain why they’ve been less interested in sex and how that makes them feel. 

They might, for example, be dealing with a stressful situation at work that they haven’t fully clued you in on. Or maybe they’ve been really feeling unsexy the last few weeks. 

Regardless, do your best to speak and listen with love and care. Remember: This is a person you love who you want to make love to more often. 

5. Then, keep talking to them

This isn’t going to be a one and done conversation. Your differing desires is something you’ll likely have to talk about many times. 

Next time you talk, consider doing a Q&A session about your sexual needs. 

Here are some questions you might consider asking one another:

• On a scale of one to ten, how high would you rate your sex drive? 
• How important to you is sex in a relationship? 
• In your dream world, how often would we be having sex?
• When you’re not in the mood for sex, is there anything that gets you in the mood? 

6. Masturbate

If your back itched when your partner wasn’t around to scratch it, you’d scratch it yourself, right? Well, the same should be true for a sexual itch. 

A regular masturbation practice can help you target that itch before it becomes unbearable. Some ways to keep your solo sex life exciting and inviting include watching porn, reading erotica, trying new toys, or even masturbating in front of a mirror. One thing you might try is masturbating in front of your partner. This allows your partner to enjoy your sexual presence, without putting pressure on them to participate. 

7. Explore non-penetrative types of touch

Sex isn’t the only form of touch available to you. 

Our culture has conflated sex with intercourse, but a more accurate definition of sex is that it’s any meaningful act of pleasure. 

To get a sense of what your partner considers a meaningful act of pleasure, ask them to take pen to paper and list as many as they can think of in 10 minutes. Share your own list with them, and you’ll both leave with a better-understanding of all the types of sexual intimacy at play. 

8. Schedule intimacy

Scheduling sex might not sound all that sexy. Still, the idea of actively reserving time for connecting with your sensual and/or sexual sides, is a good one. That’s why we recommend reserving time in your calendars for connecting intimately.

Depending on your and your partner’s needs and wants during that particular time block, you might kiss, or give one another a massage, or simply update one another on your lives. 

9. Consider your relationship

There are plenty of ways for you to inch closer towards your sexual needs, and to compromise with your partner for greater sexual fulfillment. But if that ends up not being possible, or if you find that your partner isn’t receptive to your needs, it might be a good idea to schedule a visit with a sex therapist to help mediate some of these conversations.

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Here are four sex-educator-approved strategies for navigating different sex drives. Not only will these tips help you navigate a hard-to-talk-about subject, they’ll help strengthen your relationship. 

1. Talk about it!

Have you and your partner ever talked about the fact that you desire sex to differing degrees? Or is it the elephant in the room? If it’s the latter, it’s time for you to talk. (And no, passive aggressive digs don’t count as talking.) 

Not sure how to bring it up? Try starting gently. In general, sex is a sensitive topic. But it can feel especially sensitized when there’s an issue that needs sorting. 

Here are some ways you might bring it up:

• I feel really nervous bringing this up because we haven’t talked about it before. I noticed that you’ve been turning down sex more often than usual. Would you be open to talking about it? 
• I really love having sex with you. I noticed that I’ve been craving sex less often but I want to let you know that that isn’t a reflection of how attracted I am to you. I just wanted to say that to start a conversation. 
• Are you open to talking about our sex during our next date night? I feel like we’ve been craving sex different amounts but we haven’t talked about it yet. 

2. Redefine what sex means to you 

Thanks to our lacking sex education, many people fall into the trap of thinking sex equals penetration. And sure, penetrative intercourse is one type of sex. But sex can include any act that inspires pleasure, including internal and external hand play, sex toy experimentation and use, oral sex, kissing, sensual dancing, erogenous zone stimulation, and so much more. Ultimately, if it feels like sex to you, it’s sex. 

If you and your partner haven’t talked about what sex feels like to you, or what sex acts you’d put under the sex umbrella, now is your time. 

To get this conversation started, try asking one another the following questions: 

• What is the most pleasure you’ve ever felt during one of our sexual encounters?
• What brings you the most pleasure when you masturbate? 
• List all the adjectives that describe what sex feels like to you. 

The benefit of this activity? It helps better understand what sex acts might be on the table when one or both of you are in the mood for sex. 

3. Get honest about why you each like (or don’t like!) to have sex

Some people like to have sex because the orgasms help dull their chronic pain. Others like it because it makes them feel more intimately connected with their partner. 

On the other side of things, some people don’t always like having sex because it’s messy. Others don’t like it because it interferes with their morning and/or nighttime routine. 

It’s time you and your partner(s) talk about the reasons you’re drawn to have sex and the reasons you don’t want to. 

Some questions that can help usher along this conversation:

1. Why do you enjoy having sex? 
2. Rank the types of intimacy (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, intellectual) in order of which are most and least important to you. 
3. What are some of the things that keep you from wanting to have sex? 

Once you know these things about one another, you’ll have the intel you need to tackle the next steps. You also know what the partner who is proposing sex really needs, and can come up with a plan b together. For instance, maybe instead of having sex you’ll take a bath together while talking about your days. 

4. Learn the difference between response and spontaneous desire

Indeed, it is possible that you and your partner crave sex at different amount. But often couples don’t actually have mismatched libidos, but instead differing forms of desire. 

Let’s explain. There are actually two different ways that the body registers an interest in sex. Sometimes the body registers an interest of sex out of nowhere, other times that interest in sex has to be sparked by experiencing or witnessing something sexual — these types of desire are known as spontaneous desire and responsive desire, respectively. 

Spontaneous desire is the type of desire we see depicted in movies; it’s kitchen-counter sex, bathroom stall sex, coat close sex. Responsive desire is the is interest in sex that comes after sexy time as already started or been put on the table, visa-vie things like kissing, massage, or joint-shower. 

Both spontaneous desire and responsive desire are totally normal. And most of us will experience both types of desire throughout our lifetime. But typically, people primarily experience one or the other. 

In relationships where one partner primarily experiences spontaneous desire and the other primarily experiences responsive desire, it is possible to think you have mismatched libidos when really you just have different primarily desire languages. 

If this is you and your partner, start by learning more about responsive and spontaneous desire by reading books like Mind The Gap: The Truth About Desire And How To FutureProof Your Sex Life by Dr. Karen Gurney or Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski. 

Then, work together to learn the things that the partner with responsive desire needs in order to desire sex. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Let’s dive into the most common reasons people’s libidos lull.  

What’s the short answer?

The truth is that anything that impacts us as individuals has the capacity to impact our libido. 

So, if you are doing anything that has the ability to alter your mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual wellbeing, it has the ability to boost or lower your libido, too. 

The most common libido modulators include:

• Medications
• Sleep and sleep hygiene 
• Hormone health
• Overall health
• Stress levels
• Relationship happiness (or lack thereof)
• Food, drink, alcohol, and drug intake 
• Previous sexual experiences 

Let’s break it down.

1. Hormonal health

Estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone are the main hormone modulators of sex drive. When any of those shift, you may notice a lull or spike in your libido. 

To be clear: A shift in these hormones isn’t necessarily a problem. These hormones naturally ebb and flow — and are impacted by your menstrual cycle. Pregnancy, breastfeeding, and menopause also lead to shifts in these hormones. In other words, it’s totally normal to have a high sex drive and a low sex drive time of the month. It’s also normal for certain phases of life (like breastfeeding, pregnancy, and menopause) to impact your sex drive.  

But here’s where it gets tricky: the entire endocrine system is connected. So if any of your other hormones fluctuate, it can cause your estrogen, progesterone, and/or testosterone levels to shift. And when that happens? Yep, you guessed it, libidinal changes. 

Common things that cause hormone fluctuations that indirectly impact your libido include: 

• Chronic stress
• Thyroid, adrenal, or pituitary gland disease or disorder
• Diabetes 
• Exposure to toxins
• Nutrition 

What you can do

If your libido has been different than usual, talk to your healthcare provider. They’ll be able to help you identify if libidinal changes are common amongst people with your health conditions. They’ll also be able to run the necessary tests to determine any irregular hormone levels.

2. Stress levels

Hands down, the thing that has the largest impact on libido is your stress level. For the majority of people, there is an inverse relationship between their stress and sex drive — the higher their stress level, the lower their libido. But that’s not always the case! Some people crave sex when they are more stressed, due to the stress-relieving perks of orgasm and physical intimacy. 

As it goes, survival stress is even more a modulator compared to routine stress. Survival stress is the kind of stress that tells you that you are in danger of nor surviving. (Financial stress typically falls into this camp). 

What you can do

Start taking inventory of your stress level. You probably already have a good sense of how stressed you are, but take time to get specific about where that stress is coming from. Is it family stress? Financial stress? Relationship stress? Other? The answer here will help you identify where you need to devote your stress-relieving efforts. 

Unfortunately, most of these issues don’t have an easy fix and troubleshooting often requires consistency and intention. Still, implementing stress-relieving tactics like meditating, moving, sleeping, journaling, and laughing can all help improve overall wellbeing, and therefore the wellbeing of your libido. 

 3. Lifestyle choices 

Anything you put in your body or put your body through is going to have some impact on your libido. And no, we’re not just talking about aphrodisiacs. 

The short of it is that food that nourishes your body is going to have a nourishing effect on your libido. Food that makes you feel good in your body is more likely to have a positive impact on your libido than foods that make you feel blah. Your libido will also take a hit if alcohol and drugs make a regular appearance in your routine. Unsurprisingly, toxins have a toxic impact on your libido, too. 

Finally, how often you exercise, the intensity of that exercise, and your exercise recovery protocols all matter. There is more nuance here than in other lifestyle factors, but as a general rule the more robust your exercise routine is, the more robust your libido will be. 

What you can do

The good news is that you can address all these issues. If, for example, your alcohol intake is the problem. You’d probably benefit from cutting back on booze, either with the help of your close-knit support system or an organized outline like AA. If, however, you’re looking to boost your fitness routine, you might consider investing in a fitness app or finding a friend to commit to a regular exercise routine with you. 

To help you figure out what your next step should be, ask yourself the following questions:

• What is the lifestyle factor that I most need to shift? 
• What is one kind of small change I can commit to right now? 
• What kind of support do I need to invest in or seek out in order to make the change? . 
• Is there a way to incorporate my partner into this process? 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Libido, defined

Libido is a term that refers to a person’s general interest in sex. Sometimes also called sex drive, someone’s libido is a broad measure of how often they want to engage in sexual activity over a long period of time. 

High libido vs. low libido

You know this: Libido is often amended with words like ‘high’ or ‘low.’

Someone who feels an internal pull to have sex multiple times a day, for example, might claim to have a high libido. Meanwhile, a person who only feels moved to masturbate every few months might claim a low libido. 

Despite the fact that it’s common to qualify libido in this way, there actually isn’t a qualitative scale. Libido does not have a specific metric attached to it, the way other bodily functions like cholesterol and blood pressure do. 

This means that there isn’t a way to specifically gauge a normal libido or an abnormal libido. (More on the concept of a normal libido below). 

What is a normal libido?

Whether you desire sex frequently or infrequently, you might sometimes wonder: is my libido normal? The answer is yes. The amount that you desire sex is normal. 

In truth, because there is no qualitative way to measure libido, there is actually no way to set a general norm. That said, everyone has a personal norm. And while desire ebbs and flows, most people have a general sense of how often they want sex. 

If this is the first time you’ve thought about your libido, you might ask yourself the following questions: 

• In my dream world, how often would I have sex? 
• How often do I masturbate? Does the answer change during different seasons of the year, or at different points in my menstrual cycle? 
• How often do I think about or fantasize about solo, partnered or multi-partnered sex?

So…what is a healthy libido? 

Another great question!

Good news: The only time your libido could be considered unhealthy, is when your desire (or lack of desire) for sex is actively interfering with your quality life. 

Someone who craves sex so frequently that they are shirking on their guardian or work responsibilities, for example, might have an unhealthy libido, or an unhealthy relationship with sex. Likewise, a person who is distraught about how infrequently they want to have sex or crave sexual activity, might have an unhealthy relationship with their libido. 

If you see yourself in either of those examples, your best bet is to work with a sex-positive mental health provider or sex therapist. These experts will have the skills to help you reframe your relationship with your libido and navigate your desires (or lack thereof). 

The 3 main factors that influence your libido

Your libido is like your car dashboard — it cues you in on what’s going on with the rest of your vehicle. When something is up with your body, you get the libidinal equivalent to a blinking “check engine” light. 

Here are three general factors that have the greatest impact on your interest in sex. 

1. What you do

Do you exercise? If so, for how long, how often, and at what intensities? Exercise has the ability to either increase or decrease your sex drive. Research shows that, generally speaking, people who have some movement practice desire sex more those who are more sedentary. 

However, there’s also a connection between an increase in exercise, and decrease in libido. Researchers have concluded that a lower libido is one of the signs of overtraining syndrome. 

Also relevant: If you exercise regularly, are you giving your body what it needs to recover afterwards? Things like meditating, body work, sleeping, and walking all have the power to support recovery, which in turn supports a healthy libido. 

2. What you eat and drink 

This probably won’t come as a surprise, but what you eat is going to influence your libido. Eating nutrient-dense food can boost your libido. 

Likewise, you need to be eating enough. When you under-eat, you’re sending the message to your body that there are limited resources. In turn, your body heads right into survival mode. And when your body is worried about surviving on its own, you aren’t going to crave sex — something that could, in theory, bring another being into this world. 

Your alcohol and drug intake can also impact your libido. Generally speaking, both have an inverse effect on your overall interest in sex. While many people report feeling hornier after a drink or two, excessive drinking has been shown to interfere with genital arousal response. 

Also important to note here are the prescription medications you take. Many antidepressants and blood pressure medications, in particular, are known to lower your libido — but other medications can have this effect, too. 

Before making any changes to your medications, talk to your healthcare provider. They may be able to prescribe another medication that doesn’t impact your libido, or pair it with another medication that counterbalances the effects. 

3. How you feel 

Your overall mental health, relationship health, relationship with work, and spiritual wellbeing can impact your libido, too. As can chronic medical conditions and hormone changes. 

So if your libido is higher or lower than usual, take a moment to ask yourself the following questions:

• How am I feeling about my current partner(s)? 
• Have I been spending time with people that fill up my cup? 
• Do I feel spiritually fulfilled? 
• How have my stress levels been? 
• What have my pain levels been like? 

The Takeaway 

Libido is the word we use to measure interest in sex. There is no universal normal amount to be interested in sex. But there is your personal normal. And monitoring fluctuations in your person normal can help you make life and health choices that best suit your sex drive (and overall wellbeing). 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

What are inflamed ducts?

Inside your breast there are dozens of milk ducts. Imagine tiny strands of spaghetti that are crisscrossing and creating the pathways from milk making cells deep in your breast all the way out to the tip of your nipple. When your breast tissue gets overly full, irritated or injured, those tiny ducts can swell. It makes it harder for milk to comfortably let down and pass through your breast. Sometimes it feels like a hard pea, and sometimes the area gets so inflamed that it feels like multiple golf balls or a big lemon. If you notice lumps or bumps before a feeding — that could be okay. But if you have painful lumps and bumps after you’ve fed or pumped, it might be a sign of swollen ducts. Some people also notice that less milk is coming out of the impacted breast. 

What do I do first?

Identify the area and try some easy strategies. Most inflammation will improve  over 12-24 hours. Here are some tips:

• Breastfeed directly or pump on a normal schedule. Don’t increase stimulation to that side by feeding or pumping more. Feed or pump for what your baby needs during this time, don’t follow advice to “empty” breasts.
•  Keep things cool. Ice is your friend when it comes to inflammation. Apply cold or ice packs to the  swollen area for about 5 minutes every hour.  If it feels better to use cold during a feed or after, be flexible – the timing is up to you. 
• Take an anti-inflammatory medication like Ibuprofen if it’s safe for you. Regular use can decrease inflammation overall and lessen your pain. A win-win.

• Rest. Breast inflammation can progress to mastitis, and your body is working overtime right now. Extra rest, hydration and support can make a huge difference. 
• Some older advice can actually be harmful. Deep massage, excessive suction (from person or machine), and lots of heat can actually make inflammation worse and prolong the problem.

Other Ideas:

• Try changing your breastfeeding position. This may not decrease inflammation, but it may increase your comfort. Dangle feeding can be dangerous for very young infants.
• Try therapeutic breast massage. This type of gentle massage can help elongate milk ducts temporarily and give relief. 
• Ask your provider about therapeutic ultrasound. While it isn’t a common practice in the US, there is some research suggesting it can be helpful.
• Consider a Lecithin supplement (discuss potential gut health impacts with your provider) or a probiotic. Both have benefits for certain people, you can check out specific info here as not all supplements are created equally!

What if I’m not getting better?

Sometimes inflammation takes time to improve. As long as you aren’t seeing symptoms of mastitis, continuing to monitor your breasts closely and sticking with the tips above is advisable. In many cases, inflammation is persistent because your body has an oversupply of milk. Working on managing the oversupply can also help relieve inflammation (especially if it happens frequently). A professional lactation consultant can help you do this safely while meeting your personal feeding goals. 

How do I keep this from happening again?

Many people experience swollen ducts no matter what preventative steps they take — it’s not your fault. In addition to checking for oversupply, looking for ways your breasts may be getting injured is helpful. Injury and trauma aren’t always visible! Checking your baby’s latch is a great place to start for prevention. Teething, growth spurts or illness can all change a baby’s latch temporarily and cause trauma. If you’re pumping, it can help to check your flange size, fit, and settings. Poor flange fit and too much suction can cause injury in the same way a poor latch can.

You might also want to consider any recent schedule changes. Did your baby recently start sleeping for much longer stretches of time or did you return to work? Are you wearing a new bra or baby carrier that is pinching or putting pressure on your breasts? Did you start sleeping on your stomach or go for a long car trip? It takes time for your breast to fully heal after a significant episode of inflammation. It’s not unusual to feel that lumps and bumps are gone, but pain or a “bruised” feeling remain. Contacting breastfeeding support for frequent swollen ducts is another great idea.

We know that it takes a long time for newer information to make its way into normal discussion when it comes to parenting. You may have been told by well-meaning friends, family or healthcare workers that you have a clog, and been given outdated advice. It’s also possible you’ve read the newest information and feel like it’s not for you – this can be especially true for exclusive pumpers or people with blebs. Your Ovia experts are here to help you navigate this time and all of your choices, and most importantly – to feel better!

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Dear Ovia, My partner and I generally have a pretty equal relationship/division of labor. Or we did before having a baby. But now all the infant care seems to fall on me and I’m starting to get resentful. Is this just the way it’s going to be?

First off, congratulations! Fourth trimester is such a life-changing time. Some people want to hold on to it fondly while others can’t wait to leave it behind. One of the biggest changes — that takes people by surprise — is how quickly your relationship starts to change. If these changes are making you unhappy or resentful, it is time to speak up!

Some things to consider:

• Who is on leave from work and how will you split time (if applicable)? Is your partner working and assuming when you go back to work roles will reverse? Or does he assume baby care is your “job” now? Exploring these ideas and the equity you felt you had previously are important! Is there anything you can lift from your pre-baby dynamic and integrate now?
• Are you breastfeeding? Infant care will more naturally fall on you in this case, and sometimes the work of pumping so that he can feed your baby may not make sense for you. Feeding choices are ever-evolving, so talk about the impact this has on you. Tell him how you’re feeling.
• Does he attempt to help? This is a big lesson for a lot of people in parenting. If your partner tries to help but doesn’t do it the way you want or the baby cries, etc., you may need to let it go and accept the imperfect. The most important thing right now is that you are able to pass the baton! 

Talking out your need for better division of labor and how things can continue to be more equitable in your eyes is so important. There is absolutely hope! Each phase of this child’s life will be slightly different, so even if infancy still feels tough — there are “easier” ages to share or rely more heavily on your partner. You deserve support, and I think you’ll get there!

Read more from this series

• I’m just not in the mood
• How do I get my husband more involved with the baby?