Resentment in its various forms typically builds over time, and it can be one of the biggest relationship killers, especially for busy and overstretched parents. If resentment festers, you may start to lose empathy for your partner, shut down emotionally, and avoid conversation as well as intimacy.  

The problem is that this only makes things worse, as resentment has to be addressed in order to be resolved — and most importantly, to prevent it from damaging your relationship and negatively impacting not only your own wellbeing, but that of your children and partner as well. 

Identifying the warning signs (for both of you)

Here are some of most common indicators that you may be harboring resentment toward your partner:

• A sense of an unequal division of labor (e.g. with parenting, household chores, etc.)
• A feeling of being slighted, betrayed, or treated unfairly
• Increased irritability, disgust, and/or passive aggressiveness
• Embittered statements like “You always…” or “You never…”
• Less respect for your partner 
• Little to no interest in sex or intimacy
• Complaining frequently about your partner to others

As for your partner, or the person who is sensing your resentment, they may notice:

• Greater emotional distance and/or a disconnect between you
• An increase in tension and arguments, but without understanding why
• A feeling of being ignored, criticized, or cut off, leading to confusion and anxiety
• Increased shame and hopelessness about the noticeably unhappy dynamic

Tackling the big one: The division of labor

From washing uniforms to arranging carpools to enforcing rules, the daily to-do list for parents of adolescents can feel endless. Not surprisingly, one of the most common paths to resentment is feeling like you’re taking on significantly more parenting duties and domestic tasks than your partner.  

If it seems like you’re carrying the load, or your partner isn’t doing their fair share, it’s important to bring it up proactively to keep it from turning into something toxic. When you’re calm, share how you’re feeling and describe in very specific detail what your needs and expectations are. Don’t assume your partner already knows.  

From there, see how your partner is feeling and if there are any misunderstandings at play. It’s possible they want to help more but are fearful of doing things wrong — or not up to your parenting standards. In that case, you can let them know that perfection is not the objective, but rather being a team. It’s important to really own this piece, as default parents often like things done “their way.” Your partner’s best may look differently than you’d hoped, but this isn’t the time for criticism or inflexibility.

Tools and tricks to try

It may be helpful to try to go through and define (or redefine) who is responsible for what on a regular basis — and ideally put it in writing so that it can be reviewed and updated. Even if it’s not completely equal, it needs to feel like a fair division of responsibilities to both of you. These check-ins can help you feel more supported, and remind everyone where they are succeeding or need work. Remember that now that your children are older, there may be places where responsibilities can start shifting to them as well! They can’t learn without some failures along the way, so a parent can always be listed as their “back-up.”

When resentment rears its head again, another trick is to think about your partner’s good qualities and the contributions they do make. Another way to look at this is to assume your partner had good intentions, whether that’s something they did or something they said. It may help you put things in perspective and cultivate gratitude. After all, no one is without flaws, including you, and every relationship requires effort and compromise. 

And while it’s unlikely that every contribution each of you make is equal across all categories (household chores, home maintenance, childcare, etc.), when you step back and look at the bigger picture, you should feel like you’re a team and that you’re in it together. Any change is a process, so give your new perspective and organization time to bear fruit.

Being together

As parents, it can often feel that time with just the two of you is at a premium. Even when you get away for a date, a lot of that time can be spent just tackling the things mentioned above. Dating your partner doesn’t have to be time consuming or expensive. But it should avoid household maintenance chats or concerns about the kids. Setting aside even 30 minutes together to walk and talk or listen to a funny podcast is a way to reconnect bit by bit. If you’re feeling resentful, this allows you to slowly start to enjoy each other without the pressure of a multi-hour expensive dinner. Your children are aware of the effort you make to be a couple, and it sets a wonderful example to put the work in.

Resentment in your relationship: when to seek more help

If you’ve tried bringing the conversation up and it’s not going well, or nothing has improved, you may want to consider going to couples counseling to have an experienced therapist help you navigate fraught issues. It’s a commitment, but then again, so is a relationship. 

There are also online relationship courses that you can take to help you improve your communication as partners and co-parents, which is by far the biggest tool you have for weathering the ups and downs together. Healthy communication can make all the difference when life’s next conflict occurs. Seeking help is not a sign that something is wrong, it’s an investment in your family and your relationship.  

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• Fostering a lasting bond between siblings
• Should we go to couples therapy?

Dear Ovia, How do I get my husband involved more with the baby if he’s not a “baby person”?

I hear you on this! I definitely had a partner who was terrified of the newborn stage. Too small! Too delicate! That soft spot! Ah! Not all stages are our favorites, and some general acceptance of that being normal may be helpful. If he’s excited about older ages and stages and doesn’t prefer where you are now, try not to judge the excitement factor. 

That said — it doesn’t excuse him from equal parenting, division of labor and (as you said) involvement. He can be less into a certain stage (it’s possible that you may not love a future stage when he’s all in), but he still has to be your partner and be loving and helpful. If dropping hints like, “The baby loves when you sing!” or “Can you read to the baby?” hasn’t worked, it’s time to up the ante. 

Consider asking that he be fully responsible for certain things. This means he’s the breakfast guru or the bathtime expert while you disappear. Having a sense of independence, bonding and responsibility will hopefully show him the joy of this stage, but at the very least it will allow him to relieve some of the pressure on you. Plus, sometimes it helps when a parent discovers their own way of doing things.

He should also have tasks like diaper ordering, meal planning, or washing pump parts — not just bonding activities. The mental load of caring for a baby is immense, and sharing these logistical tasks also counts as involvement.

Lastly, when you do things together as a family, try asking him to step into the role of wearing the baby, pushing the stroller or swing, etc. Often you may feel natural in those roles, but asking him to fill those shoes involves him and changes the overall dynamic. 

Read more from this series

• I’m just not in the mood
• Responsible for all the infant care

That’s why we put together a list of things you can do to navigate this dynamic with care, compassion, and confidence if you have a higher sex drive than your partner does. 

1. Say no to shame

First, start by acknowledging that it is normal to want sex! In our sex-negative world, it’s common for people who desire sex frequently (or more than their partner does) to be made to feel like outliers. Women in particular are often made to feel deviant for desiring sex. 

But desiring touch is normal. And you are completely normal for desiring sexual touch. 

If you find yourself feeling guilty about or annoyed by your own libido, try repeating some of the below affirmations to yourself:

• I deserve the kind of sex I am craving. 
• I am worthy of pleasure. 
• My capacity for pleasure is a gift. 
• The way I express my sexuality is perfect. 

The only time desiring sex is unhealthy is if that desire is if it is actively interfering with the other parts of your life. If, for example, you’re so horny that you’re spending time when you’re supposed to be working, masturbating, something is up. In this instance a sex therapist can be helpful. 

2. Understand what is and is not reasonable  

It needs to be said: You can never force your partner to have sex with you ever. Consent is imperative in all types of sexual dynamics. 

It is, however, reasonable for you and your partner to talk about how you can each get your needs met within your relationship. And that stands for all kinds of needs: intellectual, mental, emotional, spiritual, and (yes!) sexual. 

3. Unpack W-H-Y you like having sex

Your knee-jerk reaction to that subheading may be to roll your eyes and say, “Because it feels good!” But take a moment to dig a little deeper than that. 

Why, exactly, does it feel good? Does it feel good because of the stress-relief perks of orgasm? Does it feel good because it’s one of the few times when you and your partner connect intimately? Does it feel good because it’s the only time you’re not checking technology? 

Spend some time noodling on or journaling about this topic. The answers to these questions will give you insight on all the reasons you desire sex. Having this intel gives you the tools you need to find alternative ways to get your needs met. 

If, for example, you crave partnered sex just for the orgasm, your solution may be to masturbate more. But if you crave sex because it functions as a doorway to intimacy, you and your partner might work together to find other ways to access intimacy (dinner dates, shared baths, long walks, etc). 

4. Talk to your partner

You aren’t going to be able to navigate this on your own — this is something that is going to require the work, intention, and care from both partners. 

When you bring up the topic, your goal is to be as compassionate as possible. This is a time for you to explain your unmet needs, but it’s also a time for you to actively listen as your partner tries to explain why they’ve been less interested in sex and how that makes them feel. 

They might, for example, be dealing with a stressful situation at work that they haven’t fully clued you in on. Or maybe they’ve been really feeling unsexy the last few weeks. 

Regardless, do your best to speak and listen with love and care. Remember: This is a person you love who you want to make love to more often. 

5. Then, keep talking to them

This isn’t going to be a one and done conversation. Your differing desires is something you’ll likely have to talk about many times. 

Next time you talk, consider doing a Q&A session about your sexual needs. 

Here are some questions you might consider asking one another:

• On a scale of one to ten, how high would you rate your sex drive? 
• How important to you is sex in a relationship? 
• In your dream world, how often would we be having sex?
• When you’re not in the mood for sex, is there anything that gets you in the mood? 

6. Masturbate

If your back itched when your partner wasn’t around to scratch it, you’d scratch it yourself, right? Well, the same should be true for a sexual itch. 

A regular masturbation practice can help you target that itch before it becomes unbearable. Some ways to keep your solo sex life exciting and inviting include watching porn, reading erotica, trying new toys, or even masturbating in front of a mirror. One thing you might try is masturbating in front of your partner. This allows your partner to enjoy your sexual presence, without putting pressure on them to participate. 

7. Explore non-penetrative types of touch

Sex isn’t the only form of touch available to you. 

Our culture has conflated sex with intercourse, but a more accurate definition of sex is that it’s any meaningful act of pleasure. 

To get a sense of what your partner considers a meaningful act of pleasure, ask them to take pen to paper and list as many as they can think of in 10 minutes. Share your own list with them, and you’ll both leave with a better-understanding of all the types of sexual intimacy at play. 

8. Schedule intimacy

Scheduling sex might not sound all that sexy. Still, the idea of actively reserving time for connecting with your sensual and/or sexual sides, is a good one. That’s why we recommend reserving time in your calendars for connecting intimately.

Depending on your and your partner’s needs and wants during that particular time block, you might kiss, or give one another a massage, or simply update one another on your lives. 

9. Consider your relationship

There are plenty of ways for you to inch closer towards your sexual needs, and to compromise with your partner for greater sexual fulfillment. But if that ends up not being possible, or if you find that your partner isn’t receptive to your needs, it might be a good idea to schedule a visit with a sex therapist to help mediate some of these conversations.

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Let’s dive into the most common reasons people’s libidos lull.  

What’s the short answer?

The truth is that anything that impacts us as individuals has the capacity to impact our libido. 

So, if you are doing anything that has the ability to alter your mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual wellbeing, it has the ability to boost or lower your libido, too. 

The most common libido modulators include:

• Medications
• Sleep and sleep hygiene 
• Hormone health
• Overall health
• Stress levels
• Relationship happiness (or lack thereof)
• Food, drink, alcohol, and drug intake 
• Previous sexual experiences 

Let’s break it down.

1. Hormonal health

Estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone are the main hormone modulators of sex drive. When any of those shift, you may notice a lull or spike in your libido. 

To be clear: A shift in these hormones isn’t necessarily a problem. These hormones naturally ebb and flow — and are impacted by your menstrual cycle. Pregnancy, breastfeeding, and menopause also lead to shifts in these hormones. In other words, it’s totally normal to have a high sex drive and a low sex drive time of the month. It’s also normal for certain phases of life (like breastfeeding, pregnancy, and menopause) to impact your sex drive.  

But here’s where it gets tricky: the entire endocrine system is connected. So if any of your other hormones fluctuate, it can cause your estrogen, progesterone, and/or testosterone levels to shift. And when that happens? Yep, you guessed it, libidinal changes. 

Common things that cause hormone fluctuations that indirectly impact your libido include: 

• Chronic stress
• Thyroid, adrenal, or pituitary gland disease or disorder
• Diabetes 
• Exposure to toxins
• Nutrition 

What you can do

If your libido has been different than usual, talk to your healthcare provider. They’ll be able to help you identify if libidinal changes are common amongst people with your health conditions. They’ll also be able to run the necessary tests to determine any irregular hormone levels.

2. Stress levels

Hands down, the thing that has the largest impact on libido is your stress level. For the majority of people, there is an inverse relationship between their stress and sex drive — the higher their stress level, the lower their libido. But that’s not always the case! Some people crave sex when they are more stressed, due to the stress-relieving perks of orgasm and physical intimacy. 

As it goes, survival stress is even more a modulator compared to routine stress. Survival stress is the kind of stress that tells you that you are in danger of nor surviving. (Financial stress typically falls into this camp). 

What you can do

Start taking inventory of your stress level. You probably already have a good sense of how stressed you are, but take time to get specific about where that stress is coming from. Is it family stress? Financial stress? Relationship stress? Other? The answer here will help you identify where you need to devote your stress-relieving efforts. 

Unfortunately, most of these issues don’t have an easy fix and troubleshooting often requires consistency and intention. Still, implementing stress-relieving tactics like meditating, moving, sleeping, journaling, and laughing can all help improve overall wellbeing, and therefore the wellbeing of your libido. 

 3. Lifestyle choices 

Anything you put in your body or put your body through is going to have some impact on your libido. And no, we’re not just talking about aphrodisiacs. 

The short of it is that food that nourishes your body is going to have a nourishing effect on your libido. Food that makes you feel good in your body is more likely to have a positive impact on your libido than foods that make you feel blah. Your libido will also take a hit if alcohol and drugs make a regular appearance in your routine. Unsurprisingly, toxins have a toxic impact on your libido, too. 

Finally, how often you exercise, the intensity of that exercise, and your exercise recovery protocols all matter. There is more nuance here than in other lifestyle factors, but as a general rule the more robust your exercise routine is, the more robust your libido will be. 

What you can do

The good news is that you can address all these issues. If, for example, your alcohol intake is the problem. You’d probably benefit from cutting back on booze, either with the help of your close-knit support system or an organized outline like AA. If, however, you’re looking to boost your fitness routine, you might consider investing in a fitness app or finding a friend to commit to a regular exercise routine with you. 

To help you figure out what your next step should be, ask yourself the following questions:

• What is the lifestyle factor that I most need to shift? 
• What is one kind of small change I can commit to right now? 
• What kind of support do I need to invest in or seek out in order to make the change? . 
• Is there a way to incorporate my partner into this process? 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Libido, defined

Libido is a term that refers to a person’s general interest in sex. Sometimes also called sex drive, someone’s libido is a broad measure of how often they want to engage in sexual activity over a long period of time. 

High libido vs. low libido

You know this: Libido is often amended with words like ‘high’ or ‘low.’

Someone who feels an internal pull to have sex multiple times a day, for example, might claim to have a high libido. Meanwhile, a person who only feels moved to masturbate every few months might claim a low libido. 

Despite the fact that it’s common to qualify libido in this way, there actually isn’t a qualitative scale. Libido does not have a specific metric attached to it, the way other bodily functions like cholesterol and blood pressure do. 

This means that there isn’t a way to specifically gauge a normal libido or an abnormal libido. (More on the concept of a normal libido below). 

What is a normal libido?

Whether you desire sex frequently or infrequently, you might sometimes wonder: is my libido normal? The answer is yes. The amount that you desire sex is normal. 

In truth, because there is no qualitative way to measure libido, there is actually no way to set a general norm. That said, everyone has a personal norm. And while desire ebbs and flows, most people have a general sense of how often they want sex. 

If this is the first time you’ve thought about your libido, you might ask yourself the following questions: 

• In my dream world, how often would I have sex? 
• How often do I masturbate? Does the answer change during different seasons of the year, or at different points in my menstrual cycle? 
• How often do I think about or fantasize about solo, partnered or multi-partnered sex?

So…what is a healthy libido? 

Another great question!

Good news: The only time your libido could be considered unhealthy, is when your desire (or lack of desire) for sex is actively interfering with your quality life. 

Someone who craves sex so frequently that they are shirking on their guardian or work responsibilities, for example, might have an unhealthy libido, or an unhealthy relationship with sex. Likewise, a person who is distraught about how infrequently they want to have sex or crave sexual activity, might have an unhealthy relationship with their libido. 

If you see yourself in either of those examples, your best bet is to work with a sex-positive mental health provider or sex therapist. These experts will have the skills to help you reframe your relationship with your libido and navigate your desires (or lack thereof). 

The 3 main factors that influence your libido

Your libido is like your car dashboard — it cues you in on what’s going on with the rest of your vehicle. When something is up with your body, you get the libidinal equivalent to a blinking “check engine” light. 

Here are three general factors that have the greatest impact on your interest in sex. 

1. What you do

Do you exercise? If so, for how long, how often, and at what intensities? Exercise has the ability to either increase or decrease your sex drive. Research shows that, generally speaking, people who have some movement practice desire sex more those who are more sedentary. 

However, there’s also a connection between an increase in exercise, and decrease in libido. Researchers have concluded that a lower libido is one of the signs of overtraining syndrome. 

Also relevant: If you exercise regularly, are you giving your body what it needs to recover afterwards? Things like meditating, body work, sleeping, and walking all have the power to support recovery, which in turn supports a healthy libido. 

2. What you eat and drink 

This probably won’t come as a surprise, but what you eat is going to influence your libido. Eating nutrient-dense food can boost your libido. 

Likewise, you need to be eating enough. When you under-eat, you’re sending the message to your body that there are limited resources. In turn, your body heads right into survival mode. And when your body is worried about surviving on its own, you aren’t going to crave sex — something that could, in theory, bring another being into this world. 

Your alcohol and drug intake can also impact your libido. Generally speaking, both have an inverse effect on your overall interest in sex. While many people report feeling hornier after a drink or two, excessive drinking has been shown to interfere with genital arousal response. 

Also important to note here are the prescription medications you take. Many antidepressants and blood pressure medications, in particular, are known to lower your libido — but other medications can have this effect, too. 

Before making any changes to your medications, talk to your healthcare provider. They may be able to prescribe another medication that doesn’t impact your libido, or pair it with another medication that counterbalances the effects. 

3. How you feel 

Your overall mental health, relationship health, relationship with work, and spiritual wellbeing can impact your libido, too. As can chronic medical conditions and hormone changes. 

So if your libido is higher or lower than usual, take a moment to ask yourself the following questions:

• How am I feeling about my current partner(s)? 
• Have I been spending time with people that fill up my cup? 
• Do I feel spiritually fulfilled? 
• How have my stress levels been? 
• What have my pain levels been like? 

The Takeaway 

Libido is the word we use to measure interest in sex. There is no universal normal amount to be interested in sex. But there is your personal normal. And monitoring fluctuations in your person normal can help you make life and health choices that best suit your sex drive (and overall wellbeing). 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Dear Ovia, My partner and I generally have a pretty equal relationship/division of labor. Or we did before having a baby. But now all the infant care seems to fall on me and I’m starting to get resentful. Is this just the way it’s going to be?

First off, congratulations! Fourth trimester is such a life-changing time. Some people want to hold on to it fondly while others can’t wait to leave it behind. One of the biggest changes — that takes people by surprise — is how quickly your relationship starts to change. If these changes are making you unhappy or resentful, it is time to speak up!

Some things to consider:

• Who is on leave from work and how will you split time (if applicable)? Is your partner working and assuming when you go back to work roles will reverse? Or does he assume baby care is your “job” now? Exploring these ideas and the equity you felt you had previously are important! Is there anything you can lift from your pre-baby dynamic and integrate now?
• Are you breastfeeding? Infant care will more naturally fall on you in this case, and sometimes the work of pumping so that he can feed your baby may not make sense for you. Feeding choices are ever-evolving, so talk about the impact this has on you. Tell him how you’re feeling.
• Does he attempt to help? This is a big lesson for a lot of people in parenting. If your partner tries to help but doesn’t do it the way you want or the baby cries, etc., you may need to let it go and accept the imperfect. The most important thing right now is that you are able to pass the baton! 

Talking out your need for better division of labor and how things can continue to be more equitable in your eyes is so important. There is absolutely hope! Each phase of this child’s life will be slightly different, so even if infancy still feels tough — there are “easier” ages to share or rely more heavily on your partner. You deserve support, and I think you’ll get there!

Read more from this series

• I’m just not in the mood
• How do I get my husband more involved with the baby?

Dear Ovia, I just got cleared for sex at my 6 week check up, but I’m just SO not in the mood…not sure what to tell my husband.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby! Fourth trimester is a whirlwind, and I’m so sorry the expectation of the big 6 week appointment has you in this position. There is really a shift happening to offer more healthcare support before and after this timeframe. Most people have questions about their recovery before 6 weeks, and ongoing needs for support afterwards.

Let’s be clear. It is 100% normal to feel like you are not recovered from birth at this point. It is 100% normal not to want to have sex. Your body is still undergoing hormonal and physical changes from birthing a human. If you are breastfeeding, this is even more pronounced. The majority of people experience low-sex drive and other symptoms (like vaginal dryness) because of milk-making hormones. Clearing people for sex at 6 weeks is — at best — a physical safety check. It’s outdated and almost never takes into account real healing and mental health (I hope your provider wouldn’t have “cleared” you if they’d known you felt this way). 

I can’t make assumptions about your husband’s knowledge about the postpartum period experience, but I am going to assume he’s a loving partner (if not or if you’re intimidated, tell him your doctor said it’s a NO GO at this point for safety reasons). In a low-key setting with your baby around, I’d tell him in simple terms that you are healing well, but aren’t ready physically or hormonally for sex yet. Straight and to the point. You love him and are happy, but don’t feel like your body is capable of that yet in an enjoyable way. 

If he responds to health information well, share the details about what happens to most people! Reassure him that many people aren’t having sex at 6 weeks, and even at 6 months. He might feel some feelings, and hopefully he will spare you any guilt. When you are ready to try, it’s helpful to explain that postpartum sex is different, and that you may need to pause or even stop mid-deed if things don’t feel okay to you. Be ready to talk about new positions, lube or intimacy that doesn’t involve penetrative sex. When you’re ready, this new stage can be an opportunity to explore new ways to be intimate together. 

Read more from this series

• Responsible for all the infant care
• How do I get my husband more involved with the baby?

And even after you are physically cleared, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll feel ready to have sex at 6 weeks. On the other hand, your sex drive might have come back sooner than you anticipated. Pay attention to how you’re feeling as you determine your timeline to readiness. Here are some things to consider about postpartum sex.

Before the 6-week mark

Generally, it’s recommended to wait to have vaginal intercourse until you’ve seen your provider, which is typically at the 6-week mark. It is important not to resume intercourse until your postpartum bleeding has stopped. Before this time, you are at an increased risk of a uterine infection. If you experienced a tear that required a repair, your provider will likely recommend that you wait a little longer as there is increased risk of infection as your body heals.

After you’re cleared 

One of the biggest concerns about resuming vaginal intercourse after delivery is discomfort or pain. It is common for women to feel nervous about the first time having sex after a vaginal birth. If discomfort is a concern, take it slow with plenty of foreplay and lubrication to increase comfort and pleasure. 

Signs that it might be too soon 

If you’re experiencing discharge or bleeding or vaginal or pernium pain, these are likely signs that you’re not quite ready for vaginal intercourse. 

Even if you are cleared physically, you might not be up for sex emotionally. There are so many ways to be intimate with your partner — simple things like spending quality time together or cuddling on the couch. It may take some time to start back up again, and that is perfectly normal. 

If you’re feeling ready but you’re not cleared 

If your sex drive starts making itself known before your provider recommends starting intercourse, you can check in with them about whether you’re good to go for oral sex and other forms of external stimulation. Chances are, they’ll tell you that as long as you keep it to the outside of your vagina (vulva) or your clitoris, you’ll be fine. Just make sure to keep any stitches or healing tissue clean, because the human mouth carries a lot of bacteria which could lead to an infection.

Once your doctor says you’re good to go

You still might not be in the mood. Which is totally normal and could be for any number of reasons, the first of which is hormonal. It could take months for your hormones to return to where they were before your pregnancy. They could take even longer to return to normal if you’re breastfeeding, since the hormonal changes that happen during breastfeeding can affect your sex drive. You might also be struggling with changes to your body, exhaustion, or other emotional contributors to lack of desire. Give yourself grace and time. 

When you do start having intercourse again, your breasts may leak milk. If you and your partner are fine with this, that’s great, as it’s a perfectly natural hormonal response. If you’re not, you can wear breast pads or have sex immediately after feeding Baby. This might be a good idea in any case, because after she has eaten, she may be less likely to interrupt you.

Even if you feel totally ready to have sex again, your vagina might be drier than you’re used to (even when you’re turned on). That’s another natural hormonal response to recent childbirth, and is something you can manage by using a lubricant.

Speaking of your vagina, it may not be in exactly the same shape as the last time you did this, and you may feel some pain the first time you have intercourse, whether you jump right back in as soon as your healthcare provider gives you the go-ahead or you decide to wait a while. It’ll slowly heal on its own, though, over time, and if you want to help with the recovery process, kegel exercises can help. Mild discomfort may occur when you first resume intercourse and often will improve on its own. If you still have pain three months out from your birth, it’s a good idea to talk to your provider about this. Pain at this stage is not expected and pelvic floor physical therapy can be very helpful. 

What about birth control?

Most forms of birth control are perfectly safe after pregnancy. However, if you’re breastfeeding, hormonal birth controls that use estrogen as well as progestin may decrease your milk supply. On the other hand, hormonal birth control that uses only progestin shouldn’t cause any problems. Your healthcare provider will be able to discuss which type of birth control is right for you, which may include progestin-only hormonal birth control, like the pill or implants, or non-hormonal birth control like condoms or copper IUDs.

If you make the decision to resume sex before you’ve started a birth control method, it’s important to use a condom to prevent pregnancy. It is not common to start ovulating again in the first six weeks after baby is born, but it is possible, so be sure you’re using some form of birth control.

If you think you might be ready to start thinking about a sibling, or even if you’re not, but think you might at some point, now is a great time to start tracking your cycle with Ovia Fertility!

Above all, it’s important to listen to your body. You’ll be able to feel it when you’re ready – and if you don’t feel ready, there’s no need to rush.

This content was reviewed by Dr. Lisa Hickman and Dr. Katie Propst. Dr. Hickman runs the Childbirth Pelvic Floor Disorders Clinic at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center. Dr. Propst runs the Postpartum Care Clinic at Cleveland Clinic. 

Sources

• Elana Pearl Ben-Joseph, MD. “Recovering From Delivery.” KidsHealth. The Nemours Foundation. June 2018. https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/recovering-delivery.html
• Mayo Clinic Staff. “Sex after pregnancy: Set your own timeline.” Mayo Clinic. Mayo Clinic. August 21, 2020. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/labor-and-delivery/in-depth/sex-after-pregnancy/art-20045669. 

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• Is there someone you are afraid to disagree with because they might hurt you or other family members? 
• Are you in a relationship with someone who has pushed, hit, kicked, or otherwise physically hurt you? 
• Are you in a relationship with someone who is forcing or coercing you to have sex, or is controlling or denying you access to birth control?

According to Futures Without Violence, 1 in 4 women in the US has experienced violence by a partner at some point in their lives. It is important to know that this is not your fault and you are not alone. If you, or someone you know, ever feels unsafe in their relationship, there is help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 by phone, text, or live chat:

• To reach them by phone, call 1-800-799-7233
• If you are unable to speak safely, you can go to thehotline.org and click the “Chat Now” button for a live chat on their website
• And finally, you can access the text line by texting “LOVEIS” to 22522

Creating a “Path to Safety”

If you are in an abusive relationship, it is important to create a plan to keep yourself safe. Not every person’s plan will look the same because no situation is the same. It is important to remember that you don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with right now, but taking small steps can make options feel more possible when you are ready. For more detailed safety plans or more information, go to https://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/. Below are some suggestions:

• Code Word: Identify at least two people who you can contact with a code word to let them know you are in trouble and plan for what they will do if you send them the word.
• The Safest Room: If there is an argument, move to the safest room in the house. Ideally, this would be a room you can move to with no weapons, and would have a way you could leave the building. If possible, try to avoid stairs and stay on the first floor of the building you are in.
• If you have children, do not run to where they are as your partner may hurt them as well. Also, plan a code word to signal to them that they should get help or leave the house.
• If violence is unavoidable, make yourself a small target. Dive into a corner and curl up into a ball with your face protected and arms around each side of your head, fingers entwined.
• Create a “Peaceful Space”: If you cannot leave your home, try to create a “peaceful space” for yourself in your home (if that is safe for you). You can draw pictures of a more peaceful place and put them on a wall to help you take an emotional break to visualize a more peaceful place. This is also an activity you can do with your children. You can also write positive affirmations and put them up on the wall to remind yourself of your worth. It is never your fault when someone chooses to be abusive to you, and it has no reflection on the value you have as a person.
• If possible, have a phone accessible at all times and know what numbers to call for help. Know where the nearest public phone is located. Know the phone number to your local shelter. If your life is in danger, call the police.
• Exit Plan: In case you have to flee, create an exit plan ahead of time with someone who could support this need. Is there a trusted friend/relative who you can stay with, if needed?
• Emergency Bag: Pack a bag with an extra set of keys, clothes for you and your children, a pay-as-you-go cellphone, medications, copies of important documents, etc
• Important Documents: Make copies or take pictures of your important documents for yourself and send them to a trusted friend or relative. (IDs, social security cards, immigration documents, birth certificates, health insurance information, and Orders of Protection) Be mindful of sending anything via phone or computer. Please use whatever method is safest for you.

Resources:

Sanctuary for Families COVID-19 Safety Plan

National Domestic Violence Hotline

CDC website