Here are four sex-educator-approved strategies for navigating different sex drives. Not only will these tips help you navigate a hard-to-talk-about subject, they’ll help strengthen your relationship. 

1. Talk about it!

Have you and your partner ever talked about the fact that you desire sex to differing degrees? Or is it the elephant in the room? If it’s the latter, it’s time for you to talk. (And no, passive aggressive digs don’t count as talking.) 

Not sure how to bring it up? Try starting gently. In general, sex is a sensitive topic. But it can feel especially sensitized when there’s an issue that needs sorting. 

Here are some ways you might bring it up:

• I feel really nervous bringing this up because we haven’t talked about it before. I noticed that you’ve been turning down sex more often than usual. Would you be open to talking about it? 
• I really love having sex with you. I noticed that I’ve been craving sex less often but I want to let you know that that isn’t a reflection of how attracted I am to you. I just wanted to say that to start a conversation. 
• Are you open to talking about our sex during our next date night? I feel like we’ve been craving sex different amounts but we haven’t talked about it yet. 

2. Redefine what sex means to you 

Thanks to our lacking sex education, many people fall into the trap of thinking sex equals penetration. And sure, penetrative intercourse is one type of sex. But sex can include any act that inspires pleasure, including internal and external hand play, sex toy experimentation and use, oral sex, kissing, sensual dancing, erogenous zone stimulation, and so much more. Ultimately, if it feels like sex to you, it’s sex. 

If you and your partner haven’t talked about what sex feels like to you, or what sex acts you’d put under the sex umbrella, now is your time. 

To get this conversation started, try asking one another the following questions: 

• What is the most pleasure you’ve ever felt during one of our sexual encounters?
• What brings you the most pleasure when you masturbate? 
• List all the adjectives that describe what sex feels like to you. 

The benefit of this activity? It helps better understand what sex acts might be on the table when one or both of you are in the mood for sex. 

3. Get honest about why you each like (or don’t like!) to have sex

Some people like to have sex because the orgasms help dull their chronic pain. Others like it because it makes them feel more intimately connected with their partner. 

On the other side of things, some people don’t always like having sex because it’s messy. Others don’t like it because it interferes with their morning and/or nighttime routine. 

It’s time you and your partner(s) talk about the reasons you’re drawn to have sex and the reasons you don’t want to. 

Some questions that can help usher along this conversation:

1. Why do you enjoy having sex? 
2. Rank the types of intimacy (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, intellectual) in order of which are most and least important to you. 
3. What are some of the things that keep you from wanting to have sex? 

Once you know these things about one another, you’ll have the intel you need to tackle the next steps. You also know what the partner who is proposing sex really needs, and can come up with a plan b together. For instance, maybe instead of having sex you’ll take a bath together while talking about your days. 

4. Learn the difference between response and spontaneous desire

Indeed, it is possible that you and your partner crave sex at different amount. But often couples don’t actually have mismatched libidos, but instead differing forms of desire. 

Let’s explain. There are actually two different ways that the body registers an interest in sex. Sometimes the body registers an interest of sex out of nowhere, other times that interest in sex has to be sparked by experiencing or witnessing something sexual — these types of desire are known as spontaneous desire and responsive desire, respectively. 

Spontaneous desire is the type of desire we see depicted in movies; it’s kitchen-counter sex, bathroom stall sex, coat close sex. Responsive desire is the is interest in sex that comes after sexy time as already started or been put on the table, visa-vie things like kissing, massage, or joint-shower. 

Both spontaneous desire and responsive desire are totally normal. And most of us will experience both types of desire throughout our lifetime. But typically, people primarily experience one or the other. 

In relationships where one partner primarily experiences spontaneous desire and the other primarily experiences responsive desire, it is possible to think you have mismatched libidos when really you just have different primarily desire languages. 

If this is you and your partner, start by learning more about responsive and spontaneous desire by reading books like Mind The Gap: The Truth About Desire And How To FutureProof Your Sex Life by Dr. Karen Gurney or Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski. 

Then, work together to learn the things that the partner with responsive desire needs in order to desire sex. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Dear Ovia, My partner and I generally have a pretty equal relationship/division of labor. Or we did before having a baby. But now all the infant care seems to fall on me and I’m starting to get resentful. Is this just the way it’s going to be?

First off, congratulations! Fourth trimester is such a life-changing time. Some people want to hold on to it fondly while others can’t wait to leave it behind. One of the biggest changes — that takes people by surprise — is how quickly your relationship starts to change. If these changes are making you unhappy or resentful, it is time to speak up!

Some things to consider:

• Who is on leave from work and how will you split time (if applicable)? Is your partner working and assuming when you go back to work roles will reverse? Or does he assume baby care is your “job” now? Exploring these ideas and the equity you felt you had previously are important! Is there anything you can lift from your pre-baby dynamic and integrate now?
• Are you breastfeeding? Infant care will more naturally fall on you in this case, and sometimes the work of pumping so that he can feed your baby may not make sense for you. Feeding choices are ever-evolving, so talk about the impact this has on you. Tell him how you’re feeling.
• Does he attempt to help? This is a big lesson for a lot of people in parenting. If your partner tries to help but doesn’t do it the way you want or the baby cries, etc., you may need to let it go and accept the imperfect. The most important thing right now is that you are able to pass the baton! 

Talking out your need for better division of labor and how things can continue to be more equitable in your eyes is so important. There is absolutely hope! Each phase of this child’s life will be slightly different, so even if infancy still feels tough — there are “easier” ages to share or rely more heavily on your partner. You deserve support, and I think you’ll get there!

Read more from this series

• I’m just not in the mood
• How do I get my husband more involved with the baby?

Being a parent can be lonely. There’s no two ways about it. Even though the new love of your life is with you all day long, dusk to dawn — and up for overnight feedings too — it’s easy to feel alone.

When I became a new parent, I had a lot of incredible people around me. My beautiful new baby. My awesome partner, with whom I was splitting as much of the parenting workload as biologically possible. (I was breastfeeding, so that my something my husband just couldn’t do, but he tackled most diaper changes, cooking, a heck of a lot). Family we love and who lent a hand, especially our parents, with everything from meals to laundry. Friends who checked in. But still, it was so, so lonely.

In my experience, I’ve found that being a parent is as beautiful — like, I’ve felt utterly split open with new love and a depth of experience I didn’t have prior, thinking, “How am I so lucky? How did I get here?” — as it is difficult. Like, weeping in the basement while doing laundry, exhausted — poopy onesies, bills, groceries to buy, my unwashed hair, to-dos, just everything feeling physically oppressive — sort of difficult, thinking, “How did I get here?”

Before I was pregnant, I learned what the experience of being a parent might be like from conversations with my mother and mother-in-law, aunts, and lots and lots of books and online resources. Essays, message boards, apps, you name it. I had one friend with school-age children and a decade’s worth of experience as a labor and delivery nurse under her belt, so I typically asked her about the weedier details of what the birth experience might be like. But I had no friends or peers, cousins or colleagues, no people immediately around me who were new parents.

I just wanted to be able to talk with close friends who really got it. Who, like me, were weeping in the basement. Who were in the thick of it.

I imagined what it could be like to have mom friends, parent friends. I pictured sunny play dates at home, kids stacking blocks on the rug, us drinking coffee, bonding over chapped nipples and sleep regressions. I pictured afternoons at the park or running errands in the city, pushing strollers over cobblestone. But I knew I wouldn’t have this.

One solution for this could have been to join a mother’s group and make friends — playdates would follow. But I just sort of knew that this wasn’t going to be for me. Part of it was that I wasn’t terribly keen on using what little emotional reserves I had as a new parent to seek out and make new friends. And part of it was practical. With my first child, I didn’t have maternity leave, and I was back to working part-time at five a half weeks postpartum (so, well, not even technically postpartum) — teaching a few days a week, and then home a few days a week. I know myself, and I knew I was going to want to just spend that time enjoying my baby in the comfort of my home, in the comfort of my milk-and-spit-up-covered leggings, with the comfort of knowing that at least a few days a week I didn’t need to anywhere or be anything that I wasn’t — as in, social, presentable, showered, pretending like I had it together — not anyone besides a mother to my baby.

And that was what I needed. As hard as it was, that time at home with my daughter felt so deliciously slow and sweet and magical. Even in the months that followed, my days at home with her were mostly just us — sleeping, snuggling, playing, nursing, taking walks with the dog, running errands, laundry, dishes. All day long — and the days were long — with my favorite little person. And, yet, lonely.

But it turns out I did have old friends who were new parents — they just weren’t close enough for playdates or trips to the park. They were available via screen and text and email, in my Facebook feed and Twitter threads. They were the dear friends I already had, many from college — all across the country, and spread out across the state — who, like me, were just embarking on this new adventure, all of us figuring it out as we go.

Some of them had children shortly before me, and when I was pregnant I had watched and read and followed along with curiously — knowing this would be my life soon — as they posted details about their birth experience, updates on their early days with a newborn, all the funny silly trials that follow as a child grows, and, of course, a million and one pictures. And several other distant friends had babies close in age to our own daughter. Once she was born, my husband and I started sharing much the same — the overwhelming feeling of love and awe and reverence once our daughter joined us; the frazzled-running-on-close-to-empty updates from the trenches when she was brand new or every time she had a sleep regression; silly videos and pictures and stories as she started babbling, playing, laughing, exploring, and really becoming her own little person; and pleas for practical advice and for people to promise us that it would get better when she started crawling out of her crib with scarily impressive ease at eighteen months.

This communication gave me the community I was so desperately craving. I just wanted to know — from real life people that I knew — that I wasn’t alone, that we were all in the same boat, that none of us had all the answers, that we really were doing an amazing job, that this new adventure was messy and beautiful and challenging and incredible and frustrating and rewarding and like nothing we had ever known. Even if I was having a rough day, I could reach out across virtual space to ask a question or even just express that sometimes things are really tough, and I would know that — even with miles and miles between us — we could connect. And it was amazing to see just how much this could connect us. Friends who I was just moderately close with in college but who had kids very close to my daughter’s age I now feel immensely close with — because I know we share so much. We’re all in this together.

Now that I have two children — my daughter just turned three and my son just turned one — I have more friends with children who actually live nearby, so we can get together often — but not just for playdates for the kids, but so that we as adults can see each other too. And more often than not we ask each other for advice, share our experiences, discuss how we manage certain challenges — because we know and trust each other, and that connection with people you know really does make a difference and make the whole endeavor feel more grounded.

My oldest child is three, so it’s going on three years running now that I’ve said things like, “Maybe when we make a trip out your way we can plan a visit,” to my parent friends who live far away. And though any such visit has yet to materialize — because, hey, life with kids is nothing if not busy — I know how to connect with them across a screen, and still do often. And I know, truly, the community that I’ve shared with them has been immensely valuable — and especially in those early days when I was only just starting to figure out who I was as a parent and a mother, finding my sea legs on this new journey, it was priceless.

Mental healthcare and access to resources is essential for all people, but particularly LGBTQ+ people. 42% of LGBTQ+ individuals between the ages of 13 and 24 have contemplated suicide in the last 2 months, including more than half of transgender and non-binary youth. And that 12% of white, 31% of Native and Indigenous youth, and 21% of Black LGBTQ+ youth actually attempted suicide. Sadly, given that the LGBTQ+ community has a long-documented increased risk of depression, attempted suicide, addiction, and PTSD, these statistics do not come as a surprise. Still, the findings beg the question: Where can LGBTQ+ community members find support? 

Here, we discuss statistics on mental health conditions prevalent in LGBTQ+ community, explore why the statistics are as high as they are, and share resources to help LGBTQ+ people and their loved ones find support.

Why LGBTQ+ community members face mental health challenges 

This is important: LGBTQ+ individuals do not face a higher risk of mental health issues, suicidal ideation and attempts for any inate reason, but rather because of the ways in which they are oppressed and othered by a predominantly cisgender, heteronormative society. 

From school to work, the sports field to the streets, the dinner table to the park, LGBTQ+ individuals face much higher levels of assault and harassment compared to people outside the community. One 2017 study put out in partnership between NPR and Harvard School of Public Health reported that 57% of LGBTQ+ individuals have been harassed  (nonsexually) and 51% have been sexually harassed. And a second study published in 2019 found that those percentages are even higher among working individuals, with 68% of lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans people reporting having been sexually harassed at work for their sexual orientation and/or gender identity. 

It should go without saying, but of course this level of harassment, as well as fear of future harassment, negatively impacts mental wellbeing. 

Where LGBTQ+ individuals can go for mental health support 

For immediate support, try a help line

If you’re reading this because you need immediate help, your best bet is to call a 24/7 helpline. 

If you are under 25 call the TrevorLifeline at 1-866-488-7386. Or connect with TrevorText by texting START to 678-678. If you are 25 or older, try the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255, The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline at (888) 843-4564 or Trans Lifeline at (877) 565-8860 instead. 

For Ongoing Support, Try a Queer-Inclusive Therapist 

Designed to give you the skills to explore your feelings, communicate, and problem-solve, an ongoing relationship with the right therapist can give you the skill sets needed to get through difficult times. 

While all therapists go through some training about LGBTQ+ individuals, if you are queer it’s best to work with an LGBTQ-affirming, also know as queer-inclusive, therapist. Going to a therapist who doesn’t specialize in LGBTQ+ issues to get help with LGBTQ+ issues would be like ordering a cheeseburger at a Chinese food restaurant. You may leave fulfilled, but it’s not the best goods you can get. 

To find LGBTQ+ therapist that best-fits your needs search the GLBT National Help Center’s LGBT guide, the National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network, or the World Professional Association for Transgender Health’s (WPATH) provider directory. 

Find queer community

There’s nothing quite like finding an in-person community of people where you’ll meet people with shared experiences. Lots of people feel a bit uncomfortable about walking into a room of strangers, but there are ways to ease into it. Try a virtual event first or ask a friend to go with you. To find communities, check out your local PFLAG chapter (you can search for a location near you here) or find a community center through CenterLink. 

To feel part of a community, consume queer content

If you want to better-understand your own LGBTQ+ identity or feel like you belong tof a larger community, reading an LGBTQ+ memoirs or listening to a queer podcast can help. 

If you’re an avid reader, consider picking up a copy of Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde, Sissy by Jacob Tobia, The Fixed Stars by Molly Wizenberg, Leaving Isn’t The Hardest Thing by Lauren Hough, How We Fight For Our Lives by Saeed Jones, and Fun Home by Allison Bechdel. 

If you prefer to learn by listening, check out Two Bi Guys, Gender Reveal, En(ba)by, Bad in Bed, Queery, LGBTQ+A, or Nancy.  

Family members of LGBTQ+ individuals may need mental health support, too

It’s not just LGBTQ+ individuals who might benefit from mental health support — their loved ones may too. 

Anyone who has ever been a pillar of support for someone going through a mental health journey knows that doing so can be emotionally, mentally, and spiritually draining. In fact, research shows that caregivers of people with mental illnesses suffer without adequate mental health support for themselves. As such, a care provider of a LGBTQ+ individual suffering from anxiety or depression may benefit from building up their own mental health support systems. 

Mental health care can also be useful for family members struggling to accept their loved ones’ queerness. One 2019 study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior found that most parents of lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth go through a two-year adjustment period after their kids come out. 

A mental health professional may help shorten this timeline by minimizing duress and giving the loved one the skill-set they need to work through their emotions and fears. 

This content series was created in partnership with Family Equality, an organization advancing legal and lived equality for LGBTQ+ families and for those who wish to form them. Learn more at https://www.familyequality.org/. 

To find out what moms really want for Mother’s Day this year, we went straight to the source.

While these mamas’ love languages might be different, one thing they have in common is a desire for quality time with their families and quality time alone.

Michelle, a mom of three says, “At this stage of my life, my ‘me’ time is extremely limited. That being said, I recognize and treasure the moments I have with my kiddos. I know they will one day launch out on their own and these little moments I have with them will soon come to an end.” 

This year has offered more together time (maybe even a little too much) for those under the same roof. And at the same time, many families are missing that quality time.

Betty had her son, Benjamin, just a few months before the start of the pandemic. “I had so much more time to spend with Benjamin than I would have had otherwise and I’m so grateful for that! I never took for granted that the scary days were made so much easier by his happiness.”

Aggy, too, who has been able to work from home, has loved watching her son’s personality grow each day. “But I do look forward to taking him out soon, especially to experience live music this summer,” she says. 

“Grounding would be the best word for my experience in motherhood this year, both literally and figuratively,” says Rachel.

“I was grounded from work travel, and my spouse and I juggled virtual school while working remotely and caring for a baby. There were a lot of decisions that felt impossible — like juggling urgent presentations while knowing our young children didn’t quite understand why we were physically present, but unavailable. It forced me to think deeply about what my values are as a mom and how to set creative boundaries to do my best (and give myself grace for imperfection) in all roles I play.”

Some of these women are hoping for a fun family experience for Mother’s Day. Others are hoping for a thoughtful gift.

“This past year has encouraged us to embrace every day experiences with our kids in a new way — having fun with daily tasks like cooking, gardening or even washing dishes. They make fun out of the most mundane things and it’s reminded us that we don’t need in things or fancy vacations to enjoy each other,” says Rachel.

But sometimes, moms want to feel like their family is taking care of them. “A thoughtful gift just indicates that the person actually took time to think about you,” says Tamy. That thoughtfulness goes a long way.

We’ve all gotten creative this year about staying in touch with loved ones, but lots of us are feeling a little drained by all the video calls. “No more Zoom calls please!” says Aggy — while others have relied on video calls as an essential touchpoint with loved ones who are far away. Michelle says that these calls have helped her whole family stay in touch with their grandmas, “On Fridays we have a family Zoom movie night, and on Sundays we have time with Nana (my mom) and Mima (my mom-in-law).”

Ok, let’s get to it, what do you really want for Mother’s Day?

No matter what your love language is, or what your hopes are for Mother’s Day, it truly is the little things that count.

Rachel says, “This year forced raw, open conversations between all of us to build an understanding for what we all need individually, and how to enjoy each other as a family. In the end, it was exhausting but insightful and elevated my gratitude for their village of support we need to thrive — teachers, family, friends, health workers and beyond.”

No matter what your love language is, one this is clear: moms deserve a whole lot of love and extra pampering this year. 

Read more:

• 5 hilarious mom beauty hacks
• 5 hilarious mom mealtime hacks

It’s important to take a little time each day to slow down and focus on connecting with your little one. Here are some easy ways to do just that. Most all of these ideas can fit right into your normal day — and if some of them feel outside of your comfort zone, know that they’ll start to feel easier if you do them once or twice. No matter how you choose to connect, the important part is engaging with your little one in a way that’s positive, patient, and supportive. You might just find that connecting in this way is as good for you as it is for your them.

1. Engage in some open-ended play

Ask your little one, “What would you like to play?” and go from there. Be a helper and play along, but let them take the lead.

2. Ask them for help, and then actually let them contribute

Give your child some food prep they can handle — tearing up greens or stirring ingredients together. Or let them use the dustpan and brush on their own, even if they miss a few spots. Bigger kids can take on bigger tasks. Kids of all ages need practice to learn how to do household tasks and will develop confidence as they do so — they’ll be proud to see that they’re really helping.

3. Draw, color, or paint together

No matter your child’s age, it’s great to get creative together. Ask your little one questions about what they drew to start a conversation. Talk to them about what you created. Then ask where you should both hang up your artwork.

4. Read — and talk about the story as you go

Ask your child questions about the story, what they see in the pictures, and what they’re thinking. What a funny bear! Do you see any other animals in the forest? What season do you think it is? How would you feel if you were that bear? Do funny voices if you’re game. At the end, ask them about their favorite part. If your child is older, take turns reading longer books together.

5. Let them play stylist

If your child doesn’t usually choose their own outfit, ask them to choose what they’d like to wear, top to bottom. You can even ask your kiddo to help choose your outfit for the day or style your hair for some extra excitement.

6. Tell them a story about when you were little

Chances are, there will be some fun questions that follow.

7. Have them tell you a story

If your little one is old enough to do so, you’re in for a real treat. Write it down, record it for posterity, or just enjoy the moment.

8. Enjoy music together

Dance to your child’s favorite song. Or create some silly choreography. Play them your favorite album and tell them why you love it. Or play instruments together, even if your drum set is wooden spoons on pots.

9. Make a normal activity extra fun with some pretend play mixed in

A great example of this is playing barber shop or beauty salon, both of which fall into the “two birds, one stone” camp of activities. If your little one hasn’t wanted to sit still to have their nails trimmed or their hair brushed or styled, throw in some pretend play, and it can suddenly be exciting. Even if pretend play is new to you or you occasionally drop out of character, your child will likely be delighted to have you play along. You can even paint your little one’s nails or do an extra special hairstyle if you’re feeling ambitious.

10. Share gratitude

It can be hard for a very young child to answer the question “What are you grateful for?” but that doesn’t mean you can’t explore this idea with them. At dinner or bedtime, ask your little one what their favorite part of the day was, what was something fun that they did, or what made them laugh — often it will be something they did with you — and then you can share too.

11. Maybe go all out, once in a while

Even though this sort of play doesn’t necessarily fall into the “easy” category for everyone, it can be a fun, exciting way to connect every once in a while. Turn your couch into a ship and pretend to be pirates. Help your teen make some very elaborately decorated cupcakes. Pull out recycling materials to help your toddler construct a cardboard box rocket ship. The next time your little one wants to use an oversized box to make a princess castle, this sort of play might come a little easier. But remember that it’s less important what you play and more important how you spend time together — lead with love and you can’t go wrong.

Read more:

• 6 easy, meaningful ways to celebrate your mom if you’re apart
• 9 self-care essentials for today, and every day

1. Move your bodies

For both mental and physical health, almost nothing beats moving our bodies. Exercise is a powerful tool: it improves mood, decreases tension, and helps you sleep better. (Just don’t do especially active exercise right before bedtime or nap time, since it can take a little while to wind down.)

Everyone’s abilities and access to the right kind of space will look a little different. Ride bikes together, hike a trail while wearing your baby in a carrier, or have a living room dance party. Maybe you do some physical therapy beside your kiddos while they try some YouTube yoga, or your whole family works in some gentle stretches before bedtime. Whatever feels right for your family.

2. Find a mellow or focused activity you can do together

Build block towers, start a challenging puzzle, paint (or color, or do whatever else is crafty and calm based on your kiddo’s age), turn the lights low and make shadow puppets, read together, take turns making up stories, take a nature walk or a neighborhood stroll and do a visual scavenger hunt, talk about your favorite part of the day — whatever feels like the right pace for you and your little one.

3. Meditate and breathe together

Find some quiet time for a different sort of focus. There are a lot of free meditation apps and guided meditations online — plenty that are kid-friendly and fairly short — if you want to try meditating as a family. You can also teach your little one to breathe deeply, a calming strategy that they can then use later on their own when they’re feeling upset, frustrated, or mad. Here are three easy exercises to do together that teach kids how to find calm through breathing:

• Lay on your backs with a favorite stuffed animal on each of your tummies (they’ll have to let you borrow one!), then breathe deeply, watching the stuffed animals rise and fall as you breathe.
• Stand or sit upright with each of your hands placed on your heads, and then imagine you’re blowing up like a balloon as you inhale, sending your hands up overhead, and deflating as you exhale, with your hands returning to your heads.
• Hold a hand out in front of each of your faces and pretend that your fingers are birthday candles. With five deep, long breaths, blow them out one by one.

4. Take them along to learn about something you love

Although we often let our children’s interests be the focus of planned activities, try sharing something you really love. This can range from a simple trip to a bakery to more elaborate outings to museums or skiing. Challenge yourself to make your own interests a priority, and share your love for (insert here). It may lift your mood, which in turn lifts the mood of the whole group. 

5. Weekly theme nights

Once they’re able to pitch in, have a rotating game or movie theme night. From week to week, each family member gets to pick the menu and the game or movie. Being the host of the evening gives kids some much-needed autonomy and can be a great way to share interests!

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more:

• 6 easy, meaningful ways to celebrate your mom if you’re apart
• 6 hilarious mom beauty hacks

Relating to non-parents can be difficult, though. You may have had so much in common before that you felt like twins, or clones, but now Baby has moved into the space at the center of your universe. Your friends probably have a lot of the same concerns and interests as they did before you went and gave birth to a human being, and those problems and preoccupations seem as important to them as they ever did. But between finding the time to actually make plans with your non-parent friends and your changing priorities, it can take a little effort to connect with friends who don’t have children.

Do:

• Do your research: Maybe before Baby came along, you could effortlessly follow the ins and outs of the soap opera that is your childhood BFF’s love life, but now that you’re staying up half the night with Baby, you’re having trouble keeping the names of the creepy ex and the cute new guy at work straight. Lucky for you, social media has your back. Spend five minutes glancing through your friend’s Facebook or Instagram before that first coffee date in three months. The sense that you’re engaged and interested in their lives when you do meet up with your old friends will go a long way towards bridging the gap.
• Look for buy-one-get-one deals: Here’s a secret: savvy shopping isn’t just important for parents when they’re buying in bulk, or at an outlet store. New parents tend to find themselves short on a lot of resources, but one of the most important ones is time, and one of the tricks to master about time is budgeting it to make it stretch as far as possible. Maybe you don’t have time to catch up with an old friend over a long lunch the way you used to, but if you can carve out an hour every other day to drop by the gym while your partner is home with Baby, maybe your friend would be up for joining you. You can pant your news at each other from side-by-side treadmills!
• R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Your friends’ boundaries, that is. If they’re uncomfortable with children, it doesn’t matter how secure you are in the knowledge that, as difficult as other babies can be, Baby is perfect enough to change anybody’s mind. Spend time with that person at those rare times when you can manage to be in ‘adults only’ settings. It’s totally okay to let that friend know that if this is their limit, they’re going to be seeing a lot less of you, though.
• Make proposals and counter-offers: There are going to start to be a lot of events, outings and parties you just can’t make now that Baby is here, either because they’re on too short of notice to find a sitter, or you just don’t feel like you’ve spent enough time with Baby this week to leave them with someone else. Your friends probably understand, up to a certain point, but they still want to see you, and even the most understanding friend can be discouraged by too many ‘no’s in a row. Instead of just refusing, try coming up with alternatives – no, you can’t make it to their dinner party, you’re sorry, but you’d love to see them, and why don’t they join you and Baby at the park next week? Even if they can’t make it to the time you suggest, it will feel more like an effort is being made on both sides.
• Respect your own limits: Sometimes when you’re exhausted, meeting up with a friend, and thinking and talking about new and different subjects can be the perfect pick-me-up – exactly what you need to start to feel more energized. Other times though, when you’re exhausted, you’re just that – exhausted – with no more resources to draw upon. You know you don’t have any more energy to give to a friendly conversation, and it won’t be all that satisfying for you or your friend. If they’re the kind of friend you feel comfortable vegging out with, suggest a change in venue, like somebody’s couch with an album you’ve been meaning to check out on in the background, or your favorite brand of the kind of TV that lets you just check out. If they’re not the kind of friend you feel comfortable not being ‘on’ around, don’t be afraid to ask if they’re up for rescheduling. Baby won’t be little forever, but while they is, they is going to have a claim on the biggest part of your energy, and that’s just the way it is.

Don’t:

• Assume: You know everybody’s favorite play-on-spelling saying about assumptions. Don’t assume your friends want to come play with Baby, but don’t assume they don’t either. On one hand, they’re your friends, and Baby is a different person, and one that your friends have a whole lot less in common with! On the other hand though, babies are fascinating, and adorable, and your friends could easily want to be a part of your child’s life. The important thing about figuring out how your friends are going to fit into Baby’s life is to ask them about it, to figure out what they actually feel comfortable with.
  Don’t assume that your friends don’t want kids just because they don’t have them – there are all kinds of reasons that people who want children don’t have them yet, and a lot of those reasons can be very personal (personal enough that you might not know a thing about them) and very sensitive. Don’t assume it’s just a matter of time before your friends follow you into parenthood either, though – plenty of people don’t want kids, and feel like their lives are perfectly fulfilled without them.
• Preach the gospel of Baby: One of the biggest issues that a lot of non-parents report about trying to stay in touch with those friends who have children is that they often get the impression from those friends that they are being judged by those friends who are parents. It’s true that Baby’s existence has changed your life in a huge way, but lots of things change people’s lives in lots of ways. Statements that pin importance on the understanding you get from being a parent at the exclusion of all other experiences can be hurtful to your friends who don’t have children, either by choice or by circumstance. It’s a little bit like when you were younger, and people would tell you that you would understand certain things when you were older. It’s an infuriating thing to hear, and sometimes it was true, but sometimes it wasn’t, and that always felt even worse. Maybe your friend without children doesn’t know exactly how you’re feeling right now, but then, maybe your neighbor who raised three little girls doesn’t know exactly how you’re feeling either. That doesn’t mean that both of them can’t empathize.

Being a parent of a toddler is all-consuming. From daycare to playdates and everything in between, there’s no question your life revolves around Baby during these early years. While your fellow-parent friends understand these demands, it can be harder to adjust your routines with friends who don’t have children.

Though it can be difficult to stay connected to friends when your little one comes first, it’s not impossible. Here are some tips on rekindling that friendship flame, and finding the right balance between family and friends.

• See it from their perspective: The last thing the parent of a toddler wants is added stress, so when a friend starts griping that you seem unavailable these days, you may immediately go on the defensive. Try to keep in mind the fact that what they’re really saying is that they miss you, because you’re so much fun! Understand that your friends want more time with you, and are probably not trying to make you feel guilty – they just want to see more of you.
• Be honest: People who don’t have children often don’t quite understand the reality of leaving a toddler with a babysitter, and that’s fair – how would they? Still, it’s worth explaining to your friends that it’s a lot of work preparing to leave for just a few hours, and that it can also be pretty expensive. Coupled with a night on the town, hiring a babysitter can be quite a hit to your bank account, so be clear with your friends about that aspect – this isn’t to make them feel guilty, either, but just to let them know it’s not that you don’t want to go out, but rather that there are times when it might not be possible or practical.
• Make it to their events: Maybe you find wedding showers boring, or can’t fathom attending an adult’s birthday party when you’re trying to plan one for your child, but remember these events are important to your friends. Showing up to their big events when you can will help to show that you’re still very much interested in what is going on in their lives.
• Set aside time: Whether it’s once a month or once a year, try to plan a time for everyone to get together. It might be for a movie night in, or a big night out, but in any case, it will be fun for you to get out of parenting-mode for a bit and laugh about grown-up stuff.
• Remember your common ground: Friendships that last are rooted in a strong bond, and remembering where that bond started, or how your friendship has developed over time can help you stay close as you and your friends navigate different paths during life. Send a text recalling a funny story from your school years, or just pick up the phone to check in from time to time. You may not have as much availability as you once did to be physically present, but the occasional check-in will help you stay connected.

Your life is going to keep changing as Baby grows, but no matter what stage their development is at, navigating it will be more fun with your friends by your side.

Consider these tips if it’s something you want to try.

Not every friend is a candidate

Some adults simply don’t want to be around a toddler. This isn’t to say that your non-parent friends won’t immediately fall in love with Baby – they probably will! But it’s not a guarantee. The more completely you accept this, the less hurt you’ll be if someone declines an invitation to hang with you and Baby. Don’t take it personally; it’s just how things go sometimes.

Invite close friends over

For the friends who do express interest in spending time with you and Baby, invite them over for tea and coffee, or board games, or just general fun things you can do in your home. You could make it spontaneous or you could try to make it more regular, for example, a monthly gathering at your place. Either way, the benefits of hosting include a fully stocked living space (yours) with everything you need to care for Baby, a home that you’re not as worried about messes, and plenty of opportunities for your friends to interact with Baby.

Let them babysit (if they offer)

If your close friend offers to babysit, or even watch Baby while you work on something in another room, let them! This is an amazing opportunity for the two of them to get some time together. Make sure that you talk to them in advance about things like payment, rules, and discipline, and whether it’s okay or not for them to post pictures or videos of Baby on social media.

Be honest if plans have to change

It will be impossible to maintain the same kind of friendship that you had with your friends, pre-baby. That doesn’t mean the three of you can’t have a great time together, but you do have to accept that your priorities have shifted. If a week is crazy and you can’t make a scheduled date, be upfront about telling your friend what’s going on, and reschedule when you can.

What not to do

You’ve already got so much on your plate that even more rules and suggestions might seem like an overload. But in addition to being positive and welcoming, you also want to be tactful and sensitive to your friend.

• Don’t ask about their fertility: It’s not okay to ask them why they don’t have kids, to ask if Baby makes them want a kid, or to tell them they’ll change their mind about kids one day. You don’t know what’s going on in their life, or why they don’t have children, so play it safe and don’t bring it up. If they want you to know, they’ll offer.
• Be careful with social media: It’s hard for people without kids to imagine what it’s like to be a parent. This said, if you post articles that are negative or alienating to non-parents, you risk offending people that you once had a friendship with.
• Don’t over-complain or compare: It might be hard sometimes, but try not to complain too too much or tell them they’re lucky not to have a toddler. Obviously, if your friend is letting you vent, that’s a different situation. But even if you’re caught up in the heat of the moment, this can be off-putting for people and can make them uncomfortable.
• Do ask if you can bring Baby over: For appropriate events, it doesn’t hurt to ask your friends if the event is toddler-friendly. Sometimes they might say yes, sometimes they might say no, but either way you’ll open yourself and Baby up to more social opportunities. 

Remember: they’re your friend first

Assuming these friends are your good friends – and honestly, you’ll probably need to prioritize these friendships over the more casual acquaintances – you’ll want to make a genuine effort to maintain your relationship with them. This means asking questions about their life and being sensitive to the fact that just because they don’t have a child doesn’t mean they don’t have a lot going on in their life.

Don’t force it!

It’s much, much, much easier said than done, and you have a lot of other responsibilities to worry about, too. But really, these things take time and they are impossible to control or predict. If your non-parent friends have expressed interest in spending time with you and Baby, it’s absolutely worth giving it a shot and seeing where things go. Try to enjoy your time together. You never know – this could be the start of a wonderful friendship between your toddler and your friends.