Understanding gender and orientation

The first step to being a good teacher to your child when it comes to explaining gender and orientation is making sure you are a star student. That means reading up on the latest terminology and trends, challenges and celebrations of people in the full range of diversity. Visiting LGBTQ+ organizations’ websites is a great way to start, as is joining some LGBTQ+ or ally parenting groups on social media and reading the conversation threads. Taking time to digest the relevant news and background is an important way to prepare to then impart that knowledge to your child.

Keep it casual

Conversations about gender or orientation with your child do not need to be serious or warrant standalone formal family meetings. Incorporate those learning moments into everyday life in real-time. This will both help contextualize the discussion and embed the topic into mundane moments – because gender and orientation are very much a normal part of our everyday lives!

For instance, if your toddler says, “You can’t do that! That’s for boys!” This is the perfect teaching moment to let them know that there is no such thing as activities, toys, clothes, behaviors that are inherently for girls or boys. You can give some examples of people you know who buck those stereotypes. Or else seek out media, TV shows, movies, books, or games that offer a different perspective. Watch or read with them and take time to discuss. 

It comes down to using plain language to describe what are really some basic concepts. Gender is who we know ourselves to be. It exists on a spectrum and can even change. Orientation is who we love, whether romantically or sexually or not, and it’s based on our gender. It’s that simple. Kids get it.

Teach affirmatively 

Rather than pointing out what your child is saying or doing incorrectly, or talking about the hardships that people face when they don’t fit into the status quo, lean into more affirmative postures when you talk about gender or orientation. 

Actively communicate with them about how there are different types of people in the world, people who represent all the colors and shades of the rainbow and everyone in between. Explain across a broad spectrum when it comes to how people act or look or dress, as well as who they love. Listen to their questions and observations and affirm them, while adding to what they say to deepen their understanding of identity, and of gender and orientation.

Give them room to explore

Kids like to explore and they like to pretend. It’s how they begin to make sense of this chaotic and confusing world, and importantly, it’s how they begin to discover who they are and understand what their place in this world might be. 

Give your child the freedom, space, and support to explore. They might want to wear a tutu one day and a construction hat the next. Or both at the same time! They might say they are a girl one day and a boy the next. They might say they want to marry a girl or a boy. There is no need to attribute any of your own biases onto their innocent reflections and feelings. Simply let them be and love them fully.  

Some of these conversations may feel uncomfortable for us, but kids are actually well-equipped, maybe even better equipped, than adults, to comprehend the world’s natural diversity and to embrace different types of people. Perhaps the most important thing we can do is let them teach us!

Read more

• Birth certifications and second parent adoption
• Celebrate Pride all year long with these inclusive LGBTQ children’s books 

“What are you having?” “Boy or a girl?” “Do you know the gender?” As soon as a parent reveals that they’re expecting — whether physically via a bump or by sharing the news — they are flooded with questions about their child’s gender. Friends and family will use their answer to determine what color onesies they should buy (blue or pink), the toys they’ll gift (trucks or Barbies), and the color dye they’ll use for the gender reveal party cake. And that’s all before the child is even born! After birth, children quickly internalize gender expectations around what girls and boys look like and wear, as well as how they should act. 

Some parents, in an attempt to avoid limiting their children’s growth and interests, are leaning into gender creative parenting. Read on to learn what gender creative parenting is, exactly, and how it can benefit kids. 

What is gender creative parenting? 

 Also known as gender neutral parenting, gender creative parenting is the broad term used for parents who are actively working to avoid imposing gender-expectations on their children. The leading thesis behind gender-neutral parenting is that a child’s genitals do not dictate what activities they do, how they act or what they wear.

Some parents practice gender creative parenting by buying a variety of clothing and toys for their kids, allowing the child to decide what they wear and what they gravitate toward. 

Other parents do their best to remove gender stereotypes from their home altogether. The parents in this latter group might name their children gender-ambiguous names like Sky or Jordan, use they/them pronouns for their child, and choose to label their child’s gender as “X” on the birth certificate, something currently allowed in six states. These parents wait for their child to tell them what gender, if any, they identify with. 

What’s the point of gender creative parenting?  

Despite what nay-sayers and gender-essentialists may believe, parents do not raise their kids gender-neutrally as a political statement. They do it to give their children the opportunity to become as expansive as possible, without the limitations of gender-bias. 

After the publication of a 2017 study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, which suggests a relationship between rigidly enforced gender stereotypes and physical and mental health risks in young adults, some parents have chosen a gender-neutral parenting route to promise the overall wellbeing and health of their child. 

How to implement gender creative parenting

As a parent, your work on gender creative parenting begins before your children are born, and continues as they grow up. 

1. Do your research. 

Gender creative parenting requires that the parents understand what gender is, as well as the ways in which gender-based biases can negatively impact the growth of all children. A good place to learn this information is with classic Gender 101 studies texts like Gender Trouble by Judith Butler and Gender: Your Guide by Lee Airton. A must-read account of gender creative parenting is Raising Them by Dr. Kyl Myers.

2. Explore your own gender and gender biases. 

If you’re interested in gender creative parenting because you’ve already explored your own gender and unpacked your internalized gender biases, skip this step! Otherwise, prior to becoming a parent, it can be helpful to question your own gender as well as consider the ways in which gender-based assumptions have impacted you. 

To do that you might: 

• Follow people from across the gender spectrum on social media. 
• Listen to podcasts on gender and sexuality like Gender Reveal, En(ba)by, Bad in Bed. 
• Read gender memoirs like Sissy by Jacob Tobia, Redefining Realness by Janet Mock, and Amateur by Thomas Page McBee.

3. Outline your parenting approach

Again, there is no single way to raise a gender creative child. Whether you’re parenting alone, with another individual, or with a community of co-parents, it’s important to agree on what raising a gender-neutral child will mean to you and your family. 

Before the child is born, you want to be able to answer questions like: 

• Do we want to find out the sex of the child before they are born? Who, if anyone, will have access to that information? 
• What are we going to name our child? Will we choose a name that is not traditionally used for one gender category? 
• What pronouns will we be using for the child? 
• Will we explain gender stereotypes and expectations to our child? How? At what age? 
• How will we push-back against the gendered messages they receive outside of the home? 
• How will we respond to other people who try to impose gender stereotypes on our child?
• How will we combat the rigid gender expectations of society? Of school? Of extracurricular activities?

If you’re unable to come to a conclusion on your own, consider hiring a therapist who specializes in working with non-traditional families or the LGBTQ+ community. 

4. Think about the language you want to use 

Often in parenting we use gendered language, especially when praising or cheering on your child. In traditional parenting, praising and punishing your child are two of the main times gendered language comes up. For example: “You’re such a strong girl!” and , or “What a smart little boy you are!”. 

Especially if you were raised in an environment that used gendered language, it’s easy to fall back into these gendered phrases, unless you have an alternative top-of-mind. Making a list with the qualities you want to help nurture in your child can be helpful. 

5. Form a community

As the saying goes, it takes a village, and that stands for parents using all kinds of parenting philosophies. So, if possible, try to find a group of other gender creative parents to be in community with, either online or in person. 

To find an in-person group, try Googling “gender-neutral parents near me” or “gender creative l playgroups near me”. Another option is to hit up MeetUp.com or to ask the leader of your local parenting groups. To find an online support group, put out a call on social media, or to introduce yourself in the comments of social platforms run by other gender creative parents like @RaisingZoomer. 

This content series was created in partnership with Family Equality, an organization advancing legal and lived equality for LGBTQ+ families and for those who wish to form them. Learn more at https://www.familyequality.org/. 

Being a good parent can take many forms. It means wiping away the tears and applying the band-aids after the slips and falls. It also means supporting your child on their journey to self-discovery. For some, this will include supporting them as they explore their gender or sexual identity or expression. 

Whether you have a child that identifies as LGBTQ+ or you want to be prepared for the possibility that they may identify as LGBTQ+ when they’re older, there are steps you can take so that they can feel free to be themselves and confident that you have their back. We know that just one accepting adult in an LGBTQ+ child’s life can reduce the likelihood of suicide by 40%, according to a study from the Trevor Project, an LGBTQ+ anti-bullying organization. 

It’s important to address this issue even if your child hasn’t said they are LGBTQ+. They may not feel safe coming out unless you first create an affirming environment and invite them in.

According to PFLAG, the first and largest organization for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) people, their parents and families, and allies, parents can create an LGBTQ+ affirming atmosphere for their, or any, kids, in a few, easy ways. 

Familiarize yourself with the issues

The road to supporting your child no matter who they are or might become starts with you. Like the airline safety instructions to secure your own mask before helping your child with theirs, you should first learn about the LGBTQ+ community to ensure you are approaching any conversations with them from a place of knowledge. Take the time to learn the correct terminology and the issues that LGBTQ+ communities face. The PFLAG glossary is a great place to start.

Start conversations and listen

Johns Hopkins Medicine recommends approaching your child with a “healthy curiosity” to foster dialogue and a two-way information flow. Kids may not always be forthcoming with information about their personal lives, and maintaining a good connection with them from the time they are little will help make them feel comfortable sharing more sensitive details when they’re older.

Parents should aim to approach their children with love as the guiding force, leaving preconceived notions at the door. PFLAG says parents should “listen with intent,” which means giving your child, “ample opportunity to open up and share their thoughts and feelings.” Pose open-ended and gentle questions that aim to help them communicate without any judgement attached.

Avoid making assumptions

Lambda Legal, an LGBTQ+ advocacy organization that does a lot of work with families and children, suggests that being a strong ally and supportive adult to your child starts by not making assumptions. Don’t assume someone identifies a certain way because of how they look or act or even things they may have said. Your child, or any child who might be LGBTQ+, should tell you who they are and how they identify. That should be your guiding light and not anything else. 

Speak up against discrimination  

You can also set a good example for your child regardless of how they identify and be a strong ally by speaking up and out if or when you witness anti-LGBTQ+ discrimination or harassment. Don’t just let someone get bullied without intervening in some way, while ensuring your own safety. Not only are you helping someone in need, you are also showing your own child that you are willing to stand up for LGBTQ+ people. Showing rather than telling is a powerful way to convey that you are inclusive and that your child can be their true self. You are also helping to raise a child who will follow in your stead and not be afraid to stand up for others who might be targets for discrimination. All of that work starts with showing up for your child as your authentic self. 

Engage with LGBTQ+ communities 

You can learn more about LGBTQ+ identities and experiences and jumpstart your allyship for your child by immersing yourself in an LGBTQ+ group or event. Attend a Pride March, whether in-person or virtual. Pop into a PFLAG meeting for parents or allies. Join a group at a local LGBTQ+ center or university to learn more from people who are living out and proud. Even if this option feels out of your comfort zone, know that you can always attend to listen and learn. 

Supporting your child, whether they identify as LGBTQ+ or may one day, doesn’t have to be difficult. In fact, creating an affirming home for your child, no matter who they are, can bring you both many moments of joy and open opportunities for closer connection.

This content series was created in partnership with Family Equality, an organization advancing legal and lived equality for LGBTQ+ families and for those who wish to form them. Learn more at https://www.familyequality.org/. 

In one way, the fact that LGBTQ+ parents can imagine parenting roles separate from gender expectations is a gift and leaves so much space for rule breaking, creativity, and making decisions based on what actually works for individuals. Not having a predetermined template to fall into is  wonderfully liberating. It does, however, require extra layers of preparation, reflection, and conversation.  

The hope is that every family is having these discussions — “What sort of ideas about family that I grew up with will I keep as I build this new family? What will I do differently?”. These questions are something every family will need to navigate on their own. Be patient with yourself. No one knows exactly what they’re doing when building a family, but it’s not like building a house — knowing what you’re doing isn’t a requirement, and having good intentions and working hard to meet them actually counts for a lot, and helps ensure that you’re building something sturdy. Here are a few thoughts to keep in mind as you’re building:

Be flexible

Another way building your family isn’t like building a house is that there’s no point where the construction ends — you’ll be building this non-house in some way or another for the rest of your life. Today, this might mean rethinking ideas you had about breastfeeding/chestfeeding before your baby came along — ideas that were good, solid ideas that just may not quite line up with the reality of your experience now — or talking about alternate ways to handle parental leave next time around, if you plan on having another child. Tomorrow, being flexible might mean facing the fact that you and your partner have different ideas about how family holidays should work or how to handle a situation at your child’s school. You don’t have to know how to handle situations that haven’t come up yet, and you don’t have to stick with something you decided was right for your family before you had firsthand experience with having a child. Allow yourself to be flexible and give yourself grace!

(Un)conventional?

It’s true that traditional parenting roles probably don’t entirely fit your family, but sometimes the surprising thing is how much isn’t different. All babies have pretty much the same basic needs, after all, no matter who their parents are. It’s not uncommon for one parent to fall into the primary care role, often just for practical, logistical reasons (based on, for example, differences in parental leave or if one parent is breastfeeding/chestfeeding). That role, of course, comes with centuries’ worth of gendered associations, which can leave some new parents feeling uncomfortable. It’s not an all-or-nothing package, though, and it’s also not necessarily a “forever” thing. You and your partner may move in and out of different roles with different gendered associations — or you may not. Either way, the important thing is to figure out what feels right for your family — even if what feels right is something that seems a little bit more or less “conventional” than you were expecting.

Know when to walk away

It’s possible that as your baby grows your family will come across healthcare providers, daycare providers, or teachers who won’t be respectful of your family and your identity. No matter how much you’ve faced situations like this before being a parent, it’s going to feel different when your little one is beside you. They will be just getting to know the world that you’ve been living in for quite a while now, and it’s up to you to decide which authority figures in your child’s life are the ones you want to take the time to educate about your family, so you can help them be a positive force in your family’s future, and when it might be better to just cut ties. This, of course, is easier said than done and choosing to cut ties can sometimes be a privilege. What you can do, though, is seek out inclusive professionals early and often. Get suggestions from other LGBTQ+ parents, look online for LGBTQ+ friendly databases, or call potential professionals and ask questions over the phone before booking appointments

Strength in numbers

You may know better than anyone that family isn’t only defined in distinct parent-child groups. As your family grows, connecting to other families like yours — in person or online — can be an important part of your family life, in ways as abstract as building a sense of community or as simple as adding to your list of people you could carpool with. 

Find an organization, like Family Equality, that creates resources specific to LGBTQ+ families on how to find LGBTQ+ competent providers. You can find their virtual events here. 

And as your little one grows up, just by having incredible parents like you, they’ll help shape a world that celebrates families like yours. 

This content series was created in partnership with Family Equality, an organization advancing legal and lived equality for LGBTQ+ families and for those who wish to form them. Learn more at https://www.familyequality.org/. 

Here we have an awesome round-up of children’s books that feature diverse families, showcase characters being their authentic selves, and help kids understand that love is love. Intended for little ones, they range from board books to picture books. All are perfect for reading with your little one any time of year.  

Check out Family Equality’s Book Nook for more suggestions for a variety of ages.

Julian is a Mermaid

Written and Illustrated by Jessica Love

A little boy named Julian loves mermaids, and after seeing some beautiful costumed mermaids, he dresses as one himself. His abuela lovingly supports him, then surprises him by taking him to a festive event where he’s in good company to proudly show off his new look.

Love Makes a Family 

Written and Illustrated by Sophie Beer

In this vibrant board book, a number of different types of families show their love in a variety of ways — from playing tea party, to finding a missing shoe, to giving bedtime kisses. 

When Aidan Became a Brother

Written by Kyle Lukoff

Illustrated by Kaylani Juanita

This sweet story follows a little boy named Aidan though some major moments, from coming out as transgender to preparing for his little sibling’s arrival. He’s excited to be a big brother and also thoughtful about all the ways he can help the baby feel welcome and comfortable as they grow.

Maiden & Princess

Written by Daniel Haack

Illustrated by Isabel Galupo

In this rhyming story, a brave maiden attends a ball organized to help the prince find a bride. She falls in love with his sister, the princess. (The book Prince & Knight, by the same author, follows a similar structure where the characters in the title fall in love.)

Morris Micklewhite and the Tangerine Dress

Written by Christine Baldacchino 

Illustrated by Isabelle Malenfant 

In this tender tale, a little boy loves to wear a special tangerine dress from the dress-up area in his classroom. Some of his classmates don’t understand at first, but over time Morris becomes more and more confident in himself.

Pride Colors

Written by Robin Stevenson

A sweet, rhyming board book for very little ones, this book introduces colors, let’s a child know they are loved, and shows all different kinds of families throughout. At the end, the book also introduces what Pride celebrates and what the Pride colors stand for.

What Riley Wore

Written by Elana K. Arnold

Illustrated by Linda Davick

In this joyful story of self-expression, we follow along with Riley, who loves to wear different types of clothes for different occasions — a ballgown for a fancy dinner out, a hardhat and overalls for a trip to the hardware store, a superhero cape to be brave at the dentist, and more. 

A Plan for Pops

Written by Heather Smith

Illustrated by Brooke Kerrigan 

In this book, the main character, Lou, spends every Saturday with Grandad and Pops, eating yummy meals, visiting the library, and tinkering with tools. When Pops has a fall and has to use a wheelchair, Lou comes up with a plan to cheer him up. 

Plenty of Hugs

Written by Fran Manushkin

Illustrated by Kate Alizadeh

This sweet rhyming book follows a family — two moms and their toddler — throughout a loving, fun-filled day. 

The Hips on the Drag Queen Go Swish, Swish, Swish

Written by Lil Miss Hot Mess

Illustrated by Olga de Dios

A fun and fabulous sing-along book (sung to the tune of “Wheels on the Bus”), this story has drag queens swishing, snapping, and stomping all over town. 

Heather Has Two Mommies

Written by Leslea Newman 

Illustrated by Laura Cornell 

Heather has a favorite number: two! And she also has two mommies. This book follows along as she starts school and learns that she and her classmates have families that are all a little different, but that they’re all the same in how they love each other.

And Tango Makes Three

Written by Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell

Illustrated by Peter Parnell

In this classic, two male penguins partner up. And just like all the other couples around them, they want an egg of their own to care for. A zookeeper steps in to help, and they start to grow their little family.

47,000 Beads

Written by Koja and Angel Adeyoha

Illustrated by Holly Mcgillis

Little Peyton is always dancing at pow wow, but she starts to feel uncomfortable wearing a dress and dancing less her Auntie steps in to help. 

Check out books by the publisher, Flamingo Rampant, or search for Ourshelves, a book subscription with books written by people with oppressed identities about characters with oppressed identities.

This content series was created in partnership with Family Equality, an organization advancing legal and lived equality for LGBTQ+ families and for those who wish to form them. Learn more at https://www.familyequality.org/.