Being a good parent can take many forms. It means wiping away the tears and applying the band-aids after the slips and falls. It also means supporting your child on their journey to self-discovery. For some, this will include supporting them as they explore their gender or sexual identity or expression. 

Whether you have a child that identifies as LGBTQ+ or you want to be prepared for the possibility that they may identify as LGBTQ+ when they’re older, there are steps you can take so that they can feel free to be themselves and confident that you have their back. We know that just one accepting adult in an LGBTQ+ child’s life can reduce the likelihood of suicide by 40%, according to a study from the Trevor Project, an LGBTQ+ anti-bullying organization. 

It’s important to address this issue even if your child hasn’t said they are LGBTQ+. They may not feel safe coming out unless you first create an affirming environment and invite them in.

According to PFLAG, the first and largest organization for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) people, their parents and families, and allies, parents can create an LGBTQ+ affirming atmosphere for their, or any, kids, in a few, easy ways. 

Familiarize yourself with the issues

The road to supporting your child no matter who they are or might become starts with you. Like the airline safety instructions to secure your own mask before helping your child with theirs, you should first learn about the LGBTQ+ community to ensure you are approaching any conversations with them from a place of knowledge. Take the time to learn the correct terminology and the issues that LGBTQ+ communities face. The PFLAG glossary is a great place to start.

Start conversations and listen

Johns Hopkins Medicine recommends approaching your child with a “healthy curiosity” to foster dialogue and a two-way information flow. Kids may not always be forthcoming with information about their personal lives, and maintaining a good connection with them from the time they are little will help make them feel comfortable sharing more sensitive details when they’re older.

Parents should aim to approach their children with love as the guiding force, leaving preconceived notions at the door. PFLAG says parents should “listen with intent,” which means giving your child, “ample opportunity to open up and share their thoughts and feelings.” Pose open-ended and gentle questions that aim to help them communicate without any judgement attached.

Avoid making assumptions

Lambda Legal, an LGBTQ+ advocacy organization that does a lot of work with families and children, suggests that being a strong ally and supportive adult to your child starts by not making assumptions. Don’t assume someone identifies a certain way because of how they look or act or even things they may have said. Your child, or any child who might be LGBTQ+, should tell you who they are and how they identify. That should be your guiding light and not anything else. 

Speak up against discrimination  

You can also set a good example for your child regardless of how they identify and be a strong ally by speaking up and out if or when you witness anti-LGBTQ+ discrimination or harassment. Don’t just let someone get bullied without intervening in some way, while ensuring your own safety. Not only are you helping someone in need, you are also showing your own child that you are willing to stand up for LGBTQ+ people. Showing rather than telling is a powerful way to convey that you are inclusive and that your child can be their true self. You are also helping to raise a child who will follow in your stead and not be afraid to stand up for others who might be targets for discrimination. All of that work starts with showing up for your child as your authentic self. 

Engage with LGBTQ+ communities 

You can learn more about LGBTQ+ identities and experiences and jumpstart your allyship for your child by immersing yourself in an LGBTQ+ group or event. Attend a Pride March, whether in-person or virtual. Pop into a PFLAG meeting for parents or allies. Join a group at a local LGBTQ+ center or university to learn more from people who are living out and proud. Even if this option feels out of your comfort zone, know that you can always attend to listen and learn. 

Supporting your child, whether they identify as LGBTQ+ or may one day, doesn’t have to be difficult. In fact, creating an affirming home for your child, no matter who they are, can bring you both many moments of joy and open opportunities for closer connection.

This content series was created in partnership with Family Equality, an organization advancing legal and lived equality for LGBTQ+ families and for those who wish to form them. Learn more at https://www.familyequality.org/. 

Adoptive parents who weren’t, themselves, adopted (though there are, of course, adoptive parents who were) can be educated on adoption issues, can be sympathetic and good listeners, and can know their children as well as it’s possible to know another person. But parents can’t necessarily know how their children will feel about their adoptions or how these feelings may change as their children get older. This is why some families find it can be helpful to have an ‘adoption mentor’ for their child – a grown adoptee who can be a friendly figure in a child’s life and be available for them to talk to as they get older.

Other families choose to connect with groups for adoptive parents with children around the same age, and, instead of finding an older adoptee to connect their child with, try to help their children connect with other adopted children in their same age range who might share similar thoughts or feelings.

Where can I find an adoption mentor for my child?

Depending on where you live, you may be able to find a region-specific organization that pairs adoption mentors with mentees and helps them find fun and meaningful activities to do together. Adoption agencies may very well be able to point your family in the direction of resources that can help. And if there isn’t a specific mentorship program in your area, other adoption-related groups may be able to put you in touch with adoptees who are willing to speak to you or your child, either once or on a more regular basis. In some cases, though, if such options don’t exist, you may need to do some old-fashioned networking through your family’s community center, library, church, or just by asking around.

When is the best time to make this connection?

Of course, if your child is still a toddler, they probably isn’t up for a long, involved discussion of their feelings about their adoption, and the people they probably most wants to hang out with are you and your partner. This is just fine, and as time goes on they may be more comfortable talking more about these feelings. 

Mentorship groups generally have age-guidelines for mentees, but if this isn’t a factor, slowly introducing a mentor who isn’t already a part of your family’s circle of friends can start at any time. And it can good to keep in mind that surrounding yourself with a vibrant community of adoptees and families formed through adoption can be a valuable addition to your family’s social life from the time Baby is still young. 

Reconsidering the “teaching moment”

A lot of common wisdom about how to deal with intrusive questions about a family’s adoption point out that the person asking the question might not know much about adoption and so might be curious – they might not even know enough to know that the question they’re asking is inappropriate.

There’s a certain amount of truth to this point of view – it’s definitely possible that someone who asks a rude question doesn’t know much about adoption, and they probably are curious, since that’s one of the main reasons why people ask questions. On the other hand, no matter who is asking the question, their intentions and desires are pretty much always going to be less important and less of your responsibility than Baby’s peace of mind and what they learns from the way you answer.

Sometimes this might mean answering fairly innocent questions factually and calmly, because it’s important for Baby to know that there’s no reason to be embarrassed about the way they came into your life. But other times it might require a polite but firm dismissal. If someone is asking because they’re thinking of adopting, a suggestion that you have a conversation about the process later might be the more appropriate response. In any case, though, the person asking the question is of secondary concern to Baby’s thoughts and feelings.

Leading by example

In this situation, as in so many others, your child is learning from you about how to respond to questions like this, and, since being asked rude or intrusive questions can hurt, you’re teaching them how to defend themselves from them. This can be a tricky situation to be in, since it involves figuring out the best way to answer questions on your own when Baby is little, but adapting your strategy based on their feelings and preferences as they grows older and is better able to express their opinions.

Types of response

There are plenty of situations when a question about Baby might seem totally natural and comfortable, and you won’t hesitate before responding as a natural part of the conversation. Other times, though, people as remote as crossing guards at Baby’s preschool or the bagger at the grocery store, or people as much a part of your lives as one of Baby’s friend’s parents or the receptionist at their pediatrician’s office might pose questions that give you pause. When this sort of awkwardness ensues, just what can you do? 

• Turn the question around: Sometimes, turning the question back on the person asking is all it takes for them to hear how inappropriate it sounds. This can be true whether you offer up a reserved but civil, “why do you ask?” or a more confrontational or equally intrusive question. The drawback here is that it can slow down or stop a conversation, and if this is someone you’re going to continue to have in your life, it could make things uncomfortable. On the other hand, sometimes it’s the people who make the most regular appearances in your family’s life that it’s the most important to set appropriate boundaries with.
• Play dumb: Whether it’s a question about whether your children are “real” siblings, where your child “really” came from, or whether you’re their “real” parent, sometimes the best way to answer is from a sideways point of view. People who are asking these “real” kinds of questions often have some sense that they’re being rude, or at least insensitive, and they’re also often asking about more private aspects of your and Baby’s story. Both of these things mean that whoever is asking is in no way owed the answer he or she is looking for. Instead, it can be better to cheerfully deflect. “We live in [insert hometown]” is a totally valid answer to a prying question about where your child is from, no matter what answer the person who’s asking was fishing for.
• Shut it down: And then there are the times when a question is rude enough, or just being asked at an inappropriate enough time, that the only thing to do is to let the person asking know that you won’t be answering. “That information is personal to our family,” should be all anyone needs to hear to switch the direction of the conversation. And, “That’s an inappropriate question” will probably stop a conversation in its tracks entirely. That’s not always ideal, but these are good responses to have in your back pocket for the situations where you just need to shut things down. “I prefer to let Baby discuss their own history when they is ready” can also be useful, and it has the benefit of being true when your child is little, but once they gets to be a bit more verbal, it could open the door for them to be put on the spot in a way they’s not ready for.

When your child is older, you’ll be able to talk to them about how they wants to respond to these kinds of questions and just what they feels comfortable sharing. For now, it’s important to remember that – no matter how young they is – if they is around when you respond, they is taking in and learning from what you say and the way you say it.

Why does PAD happen?

There is no definitive answer to why PAD happens. Since new adoptive parents haven’t gone through the hormonal changes that new moms who have just given birth face, the answers are less clear-cut, but so much of the new parenting experience is the same no matter how a new child joined a family. New parents are – as a rule – sleep deprived, overwhelmed, and just getting to know a whole new person who, even if they’ve had children before, has their own distinct needs and quirks. In addition, many new parents go through an adjustment period as they realize the ways parenthood is different from how they imagined it or as they have trouble living up to their own expectations of themselves as parents.

On top of all of this – which on its own would be enough to put someone in a more fragile state of mind – new adoptive parents face a few challenges new biological parents don’t have to deal with. The first is just a question of support – new adoptive parents often don’t have the same expectation of the help they’ll need. New adoptive parents are less likely to take as much time off from work to adjust to the new family landscape and are less likely to have friends, family, and acquaintances offering to help with meals, cleaning, or childcare during this period of adjustment.

The second difference is that adoptive parents have just finished going through the process of adoption, which doesn’t involve as many hospital visits compared to giving birth, but does involve a whole lot more paperwork and bureaucracy. Adoptive parents may feel that in trying to prove their readiness to be parents and have their adoption approved, they’ve set up expectations for themselves as parents that they can’t possibly meet. They may feel at a loss for what to do next once the adoption has been finalized.

What are the signs of PAD?

Signs of PAD include persistent anger or sadness, a sense of emotional numbness, lasting fatigue, insomnia, anxiety, or imagining disaster around every corner. Like other types of depression, PAD presents itself in a range of ways, at a range of different intensities.

If I think I might have PAD, what should I do?

One of the most important things a new parent facing PAD can do is reach out and be sure to stay connected to their support network. Talking to friends, family, or a partner can help fight a sense of isolation and clarify an emotional response. It’s also a good idea to consult with a doctor – even parents who don’t feel medical attention is necessary can benefit from talking through symptoms with a medical professional.

The important thing to remember is that PAD, much like postpartum depression, is a natural reaction to an intense and life-changing set of events. It’s just one more step on a new family’s journey, but it won’t last forever.

Sources

• Child Welfare Information Gateway. “Impact of Adoption on Adoptive Parents.” Factsheets for Families, 2015. Retrieved October 30 2017. https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/impact-parent/.
• Child Welfare Information Gateway. “Postadoption Depression.” Factsheets for Families, 2015. Retrieved October 30 2017. https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/adopt-parenting/depression/.
• K.J. Foli. “Depression in Adoptive Parents.” Western Journal of Nursing Research. 32(3):379-400. April 2010. Retrieved October 30 2017. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20040731.
• Amy Patterson Neubert. “Expectations, exhaustion can lead mothers to post-adoption stress.” Purdue University. Purdue University, March 22 2012. Retrieved October 31 2017. http://www.purdue.edu/newsroom/research/2012/120322FoliResearch.html.
• Jennifer L. Payne, et al. “Post adoption depression.” Archives of Women’s Mental Health. 13(2): 147-151. January 30 2010. Retrieved October 30 2017. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00737-009-0137-7#/page-1.
• Yehuda Senecky, et al. “Post-adoption depression among adoptive mothers.” Journal of Affective Disorders. 115(1-2):62-8. May 2009. Retrieved October 30 2017. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18950870. 

Differences in timeline

Just based on the logistics of adoption, parents who adopt may not feel as prepared as parents who have gone through what is generally, when a biologically-related baby is born, a more standard lead-up process to bringing a baby home.Instead of waiting a fairly predictable nine-ish months before a baby arrives, adopted parents may have either an unexpected match that seems to come out of nowhere or years of waiting that can feel like they’ll never end. Adoptive parents may feel either caught off-guard, or like they’ve been waiting too long, or both at once. 

Medical differences

One of the obvious differences in raising an adopted baby is that they don’t come from the same genetic background as you or your partner. Depending on the type of adoption, there may only be a limited amount of information available about a child’s personal medical history and the family history of their birth parents. This means that, in terms of conditions with genetic components, parents may not know what to keep an eye out for in the same way that they would for conditions that run in their own families.

Many cooks in the kitchen

In the case of domestic adoptions, children’s birth families are more likely to stay involved in their lives to one degree or other. This puts adoptive parents in the position of trying to figure out the right way to respect and safely navigate a birth parent’s relationship with his or her child, which is a complicated situation that the parents of biologically related children just don’t come up against.

Red herrings

Even the happiest, healthiest, most well-adjusted, and most well-loved children have rough patches sometimes. One thing that adoptive parents may worry about is whether normal, inevitable rough patches and disagreements are somehow related to adoption. Sometimes issues that come up may, indeed, be related to adoption, but it’s also completely possible for patches of childhood rebelliousness or friction that are totally normal to get attributed to adoption even if they’re not connected.

Cultural differences

Sure, a baby may not know if they come from a different race, country, or cultural background as their newly adoptive parents, but that doesn’t mean they won’t find out someday. And since kids are smart, it probably won’t be a day too far in the future. Helping an adopted child to connect or stay connected to their cultural identity – even if it’s not one that their parents share – is an important way for new adoptive parents to help their new children foster and strengthen their own unique identities.

Adoption

The most basic difference between raising an adopted baby and a biologically related baby is that the parents of biologically related babies don’t have to discuss what adoption is and means with their children from an early age in quite the same way and also don’t have to worry about finding healthy ways to help their children deal with their feelings about and reactions to their adoptions. So as the parent of an adopted child, having these conversations early is an important part of being open and positive about your child’s background. And while your little one may not be ready to have that conversation quite yet, now is a great time to start talking to your partner or close family members about how you’re going to when the time comes. 

A second piece of the puzzle is that your older child and your new child are going to develop their own relationship, which is something separate from either of their relationships with you. This means that the way you and your older child talk about adoption right now could have an impact for years to come on the way your adopted child hears and thinks about it.

Finding a balance

One of the best ways to help your newly expanded family get off to a good start is by spending some time early on making sure that neither your older child or your new child feels forgotten or left out. Rivalries have a much harder time forming when children don’t start out feeling like they need to compete. Having a significantly fuller house all at once may seem like a hectic time to initiate one-on-one bonding time, but just making breakfast with your early riser or spending a few extra minutes at bedtime reading with your night-owl can be enough to help build and strengthen your individual bonds with each child enough to help ease that particular tension between them.

The other side of this issue is, of course, helping your children build their relationship with each other. Getting your older child involved in helping your new arrival settle in can help the new big brother or sister form positive associations with that bond.

Acknowledging but not focusing on differences

As your children grow, they’re going to have conversations with each other that may not include you, so the way you talk to your biological child about adoption now is important not only because it will shape the way they will understand how your new child came to join your family, but also because it will shape what your new child may hear from their older sibling later. This includes anything your older child may hear about your younger child’s birth parents and the adoption process in general.

This can be a tricky space to navigate, because depending on your older child’s age, simple concepts could easily be the most appropriate way to explain the new addition to your family, but adoption is a complicated process associated with complex emotions. While it’s tempting to talk to your older child merely about the happiest side of adoption – how lucky your family feels to have gained its newest addition – that story leaves out some of the difficult realities – which may include a sense of loss – experienced by your adopted child and their birth family.

In the end, the most important thing for all of your children is that they grow up knowing they’re a family and that they’re all loved. But talking about adoption in an open, respectful way is also an important part of helping your children find comfortable ways to think and talk about the way your family was formed, both with you and your partner and with each other.

Amended birth certificates generally only change the name of the parents and, in cases where the child’s name is changed, the child. But in some cases, other information might change as well – these changes might include the birth location, if the child is being adopted in a different state than the one they were born in, and, in some rare cases, the birth date.

Why are birth certificates amended?

The practice of amending birth certificates and sealing records in the U.S. has roots that run deep, and only some of these roots actually have the good of the adopted child in mind.

One influence on these practices is the idea that simplicity of paperwork is a good thing, since having one set of parents – the parents with custody – listed on all paperwork, including the birth certificate, cuts down on confusion – like when, say, parents enroll a child in school.

However, other pressures for amended birth certificates and sealed records include a historical stigma against unmarried mothers and a general attitude that there must be something shameful about birth parents – though some of these beliefs have, thankfully, significantly changed over time.

Legal complications

Though one of the arguments for amended birth certificates is simplicity, many adoptees find that amended birth certificates can make their lives more complicated, since name changes and birth certificates filed significantly after birth can make getting important documents like a passport or driver’s license difficult. Adoption paperwork does not always create these complications, but it has been known to happen, so keeping as many early records as possible as proof of your child’s identity may protect them from such complications later.

States with open adoption records

In certain states, adoptees can obtain copies of their records by requesting them from the state when they’re 18 or older. Other states may have some restrictions around the process of getting records or may only unseal the records of adoptees between certain time periods.

States with unsealed record policies, according to the American Adoption Congress:

• Alabama
• Alaska
• Colorado
• Hawaii
• Kansas
• Maine
• New Hampshire
• Oregon
• Rhode Island

States with partially unsealed records or restrictions on records (restrictions can include a certain range of adoption years or birth parents’ ability to opt out of being listed):

• Arkansas (starting in 2018)
• Connecticut
• Delaware
• Illinois
• Indiana
• Maryland
• Massachusetts
• Michigan
• Minnesota
• Missouri (starting in 2018)
• Montana
• Nebraska
• New Jersey
• Ohio
• Oklahoma
• Pennsylvania
• Tennessee
• Vermont
• Washington
• Wisconsin

Controversy

Closed records of birth for adoptees, even into adulthood, remain controversial and disputed. Arguments against sealed records range from the personal – the feeling that the amended certificate is a lie and that the presence of the lie casts adoption in a negative light – to the practical – adoptees with no access to their birth parents’ identities have no way to seek out family medical history.

Over time, legislation for more openness about adoptees’ original birth certificates and birth information has emerged on a state-by-state, or, in the case of California, a county-by-county basis. States are passing legislation to unseal records fairly regularly, but there is no national legislation guaranteeing that adoptees have the right to know their own genetic histories. Adoptees’ rights groups argue that this is a mistake and that the right to know one’s own identity and genetic history is a human right.

Amended birth certificates and Baby

So what does this mean for Baby? At the moment, if they is healthy, maybe not much, although it’s important to do all you can to secure as accurate and complete a family medical history as possible, just in case anything changes. In the future, though, they may have questions about their original documents, and it may be a good idea to see if you can get a copy, through the adoption agency or from their birth parents, to keep for them when they’s older. You may only ever need their amended birth certificate for official paperwork, but their original birth certificate is an important piece of their past that they may want to have access to later.

Sources

• “Name on birth certificate does not match driver’s license and S.S. card.” U.S. Passport Service Guide. U.S. Passport Service Guide. Retrieved October 30 2017. http://www.us-passport-service-guide.com/name-on-birth-certificate-does-not-match-drivers-license-and-ss-card.html.
• “Need a passport but name on birth certificate and current name do not match.” U.S. Passport Service Guide. U.S. Passport Service Guide. Retrieved October 30 2017. http://www.us-passport-service-guide.com/birth-certificate-for-getting-passport.html.
• “State Adoption Legislation.” American Adoption Congress. American Adoption Congress, September 13 2017. Retrieved October 30 2017. https://www.americanadoptioncongress.org/state.php#CT.
• “State Recognition of Intercountry Adoptions Finalized Abroad.” Child Welfare Information Gateway. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children & Families, Children’s Bureau, June 2014. Retrieved October 30 2017. https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/intercountry.pdf.
• “Obtaining Birth and/or Adoption Records.” Child Welfare Information Gateway. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children & Families, Children’s Bureau. Retrieved October 30 2017. https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/search/records/.