It’s normal to fumble a little when talking about puberty. You don’t have to get every chat perfectly scripted or started. What matters is that you give your child plenty of opportunities to learn and ask questions. Being honest and direct and respecting what feels sensitive or embarrassing to them is key. Any caregiver can have these conversations. Your child’s openness may surprise you!

Bra shopping

Periods don’t have a clear start time. They can start as early as age 8 and as late as 16. We know that periods are going to happen, and talking about them early and often increases comfort and decreases shame. Being aware of the physical changes that happen before periods start can help. Periods usually start about 2 years after the first signs of breast development. You can’t circle an exact date on your calendar, but if you haven’t started talking about periods when breast development starts, it’s definitely a great window to get chatting!

Avoid surprises

Periods can be scary when kids aren’t prepared. And because a period can start anytime and anywhere, the first one can leave your child feeling very overwhelmed in a public place. As soon as you are aware of breast development, you can start small with some of these intros:

• I was wondering what you’d heard about periods from your friends or books.
• Is there anything you’re worried about later in puberty?
• Does anyone at school get their period yet? I thought we could talk about what that’s like. 
• I bought you some period supplies. Is now an okay time to talk about how they work?
• If someone were upset about their period, how could you help?

If you’re having these conversations with a child who won’t get a period, way to go! Half of the population gets a period, so there shouldn’t be any shame or embarrassment about it. But if people don’t understand how cycles work, they might be more likely to tease others or ignore what’s happening.

Learning about periods and cycles

Depending on when your child gets their period, they may be ready to start cycle tracking independently or need some support. You can also teach them in advance how things work by showing how you or a partner/friend track their cycle. Periods can be very irregular for the first two years, but it never hurts to try to be prepared for the next one. 

Let your child know that they won’t come like clockwork, and that things like stress, travel, and illness can throw off anyone’s cycle. This can help manage their expectations. It’s a great idea to teach them about the other phases of their cycle too as they might start to notice physical and emotional symptoms.

The Ovia app is a great place to start, set to cycle tracking mode (as opposed to trying to conceive mode). Again, helping them to be prepared for what to expect — how many days of bleeding they might have and how their body and mind will feel — can make all the difference for their confidence.

How to prepare for periods

Ideally you can keep a stock of period supplies at home, and a few key items in a school or activities bag. Once your child knows their preferences, you can bulk order what they like. 

• Pads in various absorbencies. These will be the easiest to start with in many cases. Most brands now make slimmer versions that fit a tween’s body better and are less noticeable under clothes and in their school bag. 
• Tampons in various absorbencies. Although they may take some time to get the hang of, active tweens may need to use a tampon to participate in certain activities, or some just may feel more comfortable without a pad on.
• Period underwear. A few pairs of period underwear can be a game changer for comfort. It means less risk of a leak through at school, and can be great on the days leading up to an expected period. Modibody and Tomboy have been shown to be PFAS-free. 
• Regular full coverage underwear in darker colors. Staining is inevitable, and pads are easier to adhere to full coverage, brief style underwear. (It’s also a great idea to have an extra pair in a school bag just in case.)
• Pain relief, like Ibuprofen and heating pads for cramps or headaches.

Menstrual cups are also an excellent period option, but often better to try once they’ve got the initial hang of things! If they’re interested from the start in using a cup, it’s safe to try and many come in slightly smaller sizes for tweens.

Preparing your child (and yourself) for the start of their period can mean the difference between a scary transition and one that happens with ease. The more you bring it up and normalize the conversation, the more your whole family will feel increased comfort when the time comes.

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

You officially have an adolescent, whether you believe it or not. Adolescence is defined as the ages 12-18 years. During this year of rapid brain development and emerging self-identity, your 12-year-old can be particularly vulnerable, especially to peer pressure. Remember that, as the intensity of school work ramps up, your adolescent may be able to use logical operations in schoolwork long before they can use them for their personal problems.

As they become increasingly focused on their social world and who they are as adults, they need you, parents and caregivers, to help them find their way. Even though they might not admit it to you, many adolescents may have mixed feelings about growing up. Moodiness and hot-and-cold, “I love you,” no, “I hate you” behavior is the norm for 12-year-olds and their parents or caregivers. Resist the urge to get swept up in their emotional mood swings. Instead, try to be a steady, consistent presence — there when they need you.

The major developmental milestones for 12-year-olds

1. Age 12 language and communication milestones

You might think that your middle schooler has all of the language and communication skills they need by now – especially given how much they may text, talk on the phone, and communicate with their friends these days. In fact, brain imaging studies show that adolescent brains continue developing in ways that help with language acquisition and communication skills all the way into the early 20s. The building of more complex brain “wiring” during early adolescence allows your 12-year-old to:

• Discuss, read, and write about abstract ideas.
• Justify viewpoints and engage in negotiation and persuasion.
• Develop cohesive, well-thought-out arguments in speech and writing.
• Use complex and compound sentence structures.
• Understand sarcasm through intonation and context cues.
• Select and interpret appropriate non-verbal communication cues (body language), most often with their peers.
• Use humor for communication with peers 

2. Age 12 social and emotional learning milestones

At this age, the pressure of wanting to fit in and the importance of friends can be all-consuming for your child. Remember that when emotional issues arise, it may be harder for your child to think clearly about some of the more challenging school work middle school serves up. You may observe your 12-year-old:

• Questioning authority.
• Testing limits and boundaries.
• Engaging in risk-taking behaviors.
• Becoming more introspective, seeking privacy (wanting to spend more time alone in their room with their door closed).
• Focusing more on themselves — going back and forth between high expectations and a lack of confidence.
• Having frequent ups and downs in mood, even experiencing anxiety, depression, or eating disorders.

3. Age 12 cognitive skills

Each child moves ahead at their own rate in their ability to think more complexly. Bad grades or school struggles may be a sign of a learning disability, attention disorder, or even depression. If you have concerns about your child’s cognitive development, talk with their healthcare provider and teachers. By age 12, your child may be:

• Using more complex thinking processes (questioning and analyzing with “deep thoughts”).
• Beginning to question authority and society’s standards.
• Thinking about and beginning to form their own code of ethics (“What do I think is right?”)
• Getting a sense of their own identity (“Who am I? “)
• Thinking about possible future goals (“What do I want?”)
• Thinking about and beginning to make their own plans.
• Able to think long-term but still struggle to connect their actions with future consequences.

4. Age 12 physical development and motor skills

It might seem like your 12-year-old is shape-shifting, seemingly growing and changing right before your eyes. Remember the rapid change can be as confusing for them as it is for parents and caregivers. Changing bodies can be even more complicated for nonbinary or transgender adolescents. Check in with your gender-questioning tween and connect with them supportive doctors, nurses, counselors, and teachers with their permission. Your child at age 12:

• Will be starting puberty or it will be well underway. Puberty can start as early as age 9, so it’s never too early to start talking about this experience. 
• The first signs of puberty are larger testicles or breast buds.
• First periods (called menarche) typically occur somewhere between 12 and 13, but again can happen years earlier for some children. 
• Will experience growth spurts once puberty begins.
• May need glasses, so make sure to have their vision checked at least once a year.
• May look very different from their peers – kids go through puberty at different ages and rates, so there will be a broad range of sexual maturity and growth patterns among your 12-year-old’s classmates.

Vaccines for 12-year-olds

Vaccines protect your adolescent from serious illnesses, so it’s important that your child get them on time. Between ages 11 and 2, your child should receive vaccines to protect them from the following diseases:

• Meningococcal disease (one dose of MenACWY vaccine)
• Human Papilloma Virus, HPV (two doses of vaccine, prevents cancer and genital warts)
• Tetanus, diphtheria, and whooping cough (pertussis) (one dose of Tdap vaccine)
• Influenza (Flu) (one dose of vaccine every year)
• COVID-19 (according to current CDC recommendations)

If your child has missed any vaccines or is off schedule, they can “catch up” to get back on track. You can discuss the recommended vaccine schedule with your healthcare provider.

Healthy eating and activity for 12-year-olds

Your 12-year-old may be eating more meals away from home than when they were younger, so eating on the go may become the new norm for your family. Their peers (and advertising via social media) also drive their food choices. Some guidelines for healthy eating and activities for 12-year-olds are:

• Eat together as a family as much as possible to support positive eating behaviors and more face-to-face conversations with your tween.
• Serve your tween a well-balanced diet with protein, whole grains, fruits, and vegetables. Keep language around food neutral, labels like “good,” “bad,” “junk,” or even “super healthy” can put pressure on tweens to eat a certain way.
• If your child’s BMI is outside a designated range, healthcare providers may use terms like overweight or obese. Here is how to find a provider who meets their needs or have conversations about how you’d like the discussion of weight handled. 
• The rapid body changes during puberty can trigger feelings of insecurity or even disordered eating. 
• Encourage your tween to drink water regularly during physical activity or sports, especially in hot or humid weather.
• Try to offer your family 5 servings of fruits and vegetables daily.
• Limit 100% juice to no more than 4–6 ounces (120–180 ml) a day.
• Remind your tween to brush twice daily, floss once daily, and visit the dentist at least once a year for check-ups. Their dentist will refer them to an orthodontist if they need braces.
• Help your teen find a sport or activity they love, encourage a variety of activities to expand their choices and social situations.
• Your teen should get between 9-12 hours of sleep every night. 

Keeping your 12-year-old safe

Adolescents are often faced with situations for which they may not be prepared. The less prepared they are, the more likely it is they will take risks, such as trying alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs or engaging in unprotected sex. Talk with your pre-teens ahead of time about how to avoid risky situations and how to stay safe if they find themselves outside of their comfort zone.

• Seatbelts save lives. Remind your teen that motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death among 12- to 14-year-olds.
• Teach your teen to always wear a helmet and mouthguard when appropriate for the sport or activity. Talk with them about the dangers of a concussion and encourage them to report their concussion symptoms to you and their coach immediately.
• Protect your child from secondhand smoke.
• Teach them about the dangers of vaping nicotine or marijuana.
• If you have a gun, keep it unloaded and locked away. Talk to your 12-year-old about never playing with any firearms and the danger of accidental injury.
• Self-harm (or cutting) is on the rise in teens. If you suspect that your teen is self-harming, or if they tell you they are, seek help and support from a trained mental health provider and your pediatrician.
• Watch for signs of depression or anxiety. Talk with your teen about how they are coping with difficult feelings or emotions. Try to get a sense of how overwhelmed or hopeless they might be feeling (see questions below).
• Keep in close communication with teachers, other school employees, and parents of your child’s friends so you are aware of possible problems. Even if they say they don’t want your presence, be there!
• Talk about sex and healthy sexual relationships. Social media and their peers may not be giving them accurate or helpful information about sexually transmitted infections (STIs), birth control, or dating.
• Your child should apply sunscreen of SPF 30 or higher at least 15 minutes before going outside and reapply about every 2 hours.

Healthy screentime

Tweens spend about an average of an hour and a half on social media every day. They spend even more time watching online videos on platforms like YouTube or TikTok. Your tween’s overall health partially depends on you helping them spend an appropriate amount of time on screens. Too much media use can interfere with getting enough exercise, doing homework, being with friends, and spending time with family. It also can contribute to obesity, attention and learning problems, and sleep problems. 

Alternatively, for some tweens, social media can be a powerful place of community. So the “right” amount of screen time will vary.

• Have ongoing communication about digital citizenship and safety. Set some basic rules of social media use for your middle schooler.
• Parental controls can help you monitor and decide which content your 12-year-old watches.
• Know your child’s friends, both online and off.
• Common Sense Media has age-based reviews of the content appropriateness of video games and other media that can help you choose what to media your 12-year-old watches.
• While it may be tough to keep all screens out of your teen’s bedroom, start by not putting a television in their room and creating a “media curfew” at mealtime and bedtime (all devices need to be out of sight with notifications turned off or put away).
• Develop a family media plan with your 12-year-old to help them feel like they have a say in regulating their own screentime healthy behaviors.
•  Try to model healthy electronics use yourself.
• Talk to your teen about pornography – teens report feeling better about themselves and sex if they are able to talk with a trusted adult before being exposed to pornography.

Conversation starters and parenting hacks for your 12-year-old

There isn’t a right or wrong way to approach conversations with your 12 year old. The important thing is just that you try! Leading with curiosity and avoiding judgment are some starting points for any chat. Don’t know what to say to something they bring up? You can always say you need to find out more for them or just say “Wow!” and let them keep on going. Questions to ask your 12-year-old:

• Do you ever feel uncomfortable, worried, sad, or anxious when you are online? If they answer yes, then ask: What makes you feel that way?
• Have you ever had to experience bullies at school (or online)? What happened, and how did it make you feel? Did you talk to anyone about it?
• Do you think any of your friends have ever carried a gun? How does practicing active shooter or school-lockdown drills at school make you feel?
• How old do you think you have to be to learn to drink safely?
• What do you think has been the hardest thing you have ever done?
• If two people like each other romantically, do you think you still should ask for their consent before trying to kiss?
• What kind of a parent do you think you will be?
• What were the most memorable family trips we’ve taken so far? Which specific memories stand out from them?

Ways to help them grow and develop:

• Encourage and support your 12-year-old’s interest in cooking, or nutrition so they can practice their skills and find joy in the kitchen.
• Teach your child how to track their periods (and period-related symptoms) on a calendar, planner, or app. Tracking periods helps your teen learn what’s normal — and what’s not — for their period. Periods tend to be more irregular in terms of cycle length and flow for the first 1-2 years after starting menstruating. The Ovia Cycles app has an option for cycle tracking. 
• Have fair and predictable consequences for rule-breaking. Having family meetings to brainstorm and agree upon a list of family norms and expectations can help keep everyone accountable and on the same page. 
• Celebrate the times and situations when your 12-year-old makes good decisions or really tough ones.
• Look for teachable moments in TV shows, ads, or videos as opportunities to talk about sexuality, drugs and alcohol, race, gender identity, or other sensitive subjects with your 12-year-old.
• Be open to questions about gender identity and sexuality. Encourage your child to bring questions or concerns to you.
• Give your 12-year-old a doable chore or job you know they can complete to build their self-esteem. For example, teaching them how to mow the lawn or bake cookies gives them a chance to succeed, feel more independent, and adult-like.
• Building confidence may look different than you think. Confidence grows when tweens can trust their emotions and how they feel to make decisions. Supporting their feelings and decisions now goes a long way to being resilient to pressure later on. 
• Make family traditions of celebrating milestones or holidays to reinforce family bonds.
• Ask your teen what they know and think about drug use, drinking alcohol, smoking, and sexual behavior. Listen to what they say and answer their questions honestly and directly. Avoid judgements or punishments for worries or tough situations they bring to you. Remember, it is always ok to say, “I don’t know. Let’s learn more about that together. I’m on your team.”

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Sources

• Alderman E, Breuner C, COMMITTEE ON ADOLESCENCE, Grubb L, Makia E, Powers M, Upadhya K, Wallace S. “Unique Needs of the Adolescent.” Pediatrics. 144(6). Web. December 2019. https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/144/6/e20193150/37985/Unique-Needs-of-the-Adolescent
• Anthony, M. “Social development in pre-teens: What you need to know.” ScholasticParents. Scholastic. Accessed March 2, 2023. https://www.scholastic.com/parents/family-life/social-emotional-learning/development-milestones/social-development-11-13-year-olds.html
• “Childhood Obesity: A Complex Disease.” healthychildren.org. American Academy of Pediatrics. February 3, 2023. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/obesity/Pages/childhood-obesity-a-complex-disease.aspx
• “Cognitive development in the teen years.” Stanford Medicine Children’s Health. 2022. https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=cognitive-development-90-P01594
• “Concussion information sheet.” CDC Heads Up. CDC. Web. January 2019. https://www.cdc.gov/headsup/pdfs/youthsports/Parent_Athlete_Info_Sheet-a.pdf
• “Eating disorders.” Mayo Clinic. Mayo Clinic. June 4, 2021. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/eating-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20353603
• “For Parents: What to Expect When Your Child Goes through Puberty.” FamilyDoctor.org. American Academy of Pediatrics. August 11, 2020. https://familydoctor.org/for-parents-what-to-expect-when-your-child-goes-through-puberty/
• “Healthy eating during adolescence.” Johns Hopkins Medicine. Accessed March 2, 2023. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/healthy-eating-during-adolescence.
• Knorr, Caroline. “Parents Ultimate Guide to Parental Controls.” Common Sense Media. March 9, 2021. https://www.commonsensemedia.org/articles/parents-ultimate-guide-to-parental-controls
• “Learning problems in teens.” healthychildren.org. American Academy of Pediatrics. November 21, 2015. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/learning-disabilities/Pages/Learning-Problems-Teens.aspx
• McCarthy C. “Anxiety in teens is rising: What’s going on. Healthychildren.org. AAP. November 20, 2019. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/emotional-problems/Pages/Anxiety-Disorders.aspx
• McGuire, B. “Digital Citizenship: What it is, how to teach it, and the resources you need,” American College of Education. January 8, 2019. https://www.ace.edu/blog/post/2019/01/08/digital-citizenship-what-it-means-how-to-teach-it-and-the-resources-you-need
• “Menarche.” Cleveland Clinic. September 9, 2022. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24139-menarche
• Rothman, E. “Talking with teens and preteens about pornography.” Common Sense Media. Common Sense Media. January 10, 2023. https://www.commonsensemedia.org/articles/talking-with-teens-and-preteens-about-pornography
• Signs your teenager might be self-harming.” Cleveland Clinic.  Cleveland Clinic. April 29, 2022. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/is-your-teenage-daughter-self-harming-7-signs/
• “Talk to Your Kids About Sex and Healthy Relationships.” Office of Disease Prevention and Health Promotion. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. July 20, 2022. https://health.gov/myhealthfinder/healthy-living/sexual-health/talk-your-kids-about-sex-and-healthy-relationships
• “Think your child might be questioning their gender identity?” Cleveland Clinic. Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/think-your-child-might-be-questioning-their-gender-identity/
• “Teen depression.” Mayo Clinic. Mayo Clinic. August 12, 2022. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/teen-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20350985
• “Vaccines at 11 to 12.” CDC. February 5, 2022. https://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/parents/by-age/years-11-12.html
• What are some basic rules of social media use for middle schoolers? Common Sense Media. Common Sense Media. July 2, 2022. https://www.commonsensemedia.org/articles/what-are-some-basic-social-media-rules-for-middle-schoolers
• “What Should I Teach My Child About Safe Online Behavior.” Common Sense Media. July 25, 2022. https://www.commonsensemedia.org/articles/what-should-i-teach-my-child-about-safe-online-behavior.
• “What You Need to Know About Marijuana and Teens.” CDC. September 8, 2021. https://www.cdc.gov/marijuana/health-effects/teens.html.
• “Why You Should Talk to Your Child About Alcohol and Other Drugs.” Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). April 4, 2022. https://www.samhsa.gov/talk-they-hear-you/parent-resources/why-you-should-talk-your-child.
• Young teens (12-14 years) Developmental Milestones. CDC. CDC. September 23, 2021. https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/childdevelopment/positiveparenting/adolescence.html
• “Your child’s checkup: Age 12.” Nemours KidsHealth. April, 2021. https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/preteen.html#catwellbeing

Here’s a quick primer on four things you can do to reduce conflict and provide consistent messages to your child — even when you have varying points of view.  

Identify your parenting styles

There are many popular parenting styles and approaches. Recently, some of the most popular are:

• Responsive Parenting (also called gentle parenting) focuses on tuning into a child’s needs and emotions. The focus is on creating a positive relationship between parent and child and helping your child learn to navigate their emotions.
• Attachment Parenting focuses on responsiveness as well, and promotes the idea that early brain development is fostered by consistently offering your child ways to connect to you.
• Authoritative focuses on teaching concepts like scaffolding, and high expectations for behavior.

Of course, there are many more styles out there, including some that involve harsh punishments or neglect. Where do you and your partner each fall? By understanding each person’s style, it can help you start a productive conversation about where each of you is coming from and how you might be able to meet in the middle. Because finding harmony, like most things, involves compromise.  

Collaborate on the approach

Regardless of which parenting style works for you, your children will blossom with consistency. Your partner (and/or family members involved in your child’s care) and you can collaborate on various strategies for common concerns like what to do for tantrums, bedtime battles, and big feelings. It’s tough for children to manage any hard situation when the response from each parent is wildly different. Children thrive on consistency, as it helps prevent them from feeling confused or insecure — or from trying to “divide and conquer” the two of you by using parental differences to their advantage. 

Maintain a unified front

It’s important to back up your partner, as long as they’re being safe. If they do something you disagree with, talk to them in private later instead of arguing in front of your child. The latter can undermine their authority and can cause anxiety and misunderstanding for your child. We all get thrown into parenting situations that we fumble over, and it’s okay to go back to your child and apologize for a hurtful or inappropriate response. While we can’t have a do-over, we can spend time repairing and learning. 

Schedule weekly check-ins

New parenting decisions will always be surfacing, so it might be a good idea to have a regular time each week for re-evaluating the approach or coming up with new ones. As your child grows older, for example, you’ll need to hash out where you stand on things like smartphones, social media, or dating.  

Also, your child’s evolving personality may bring about new parenting conflicts. To avoid letting your differences stress your relationship, try to always see your partner as your ally. Even when they make parenting mistakes, you can choose to extend your forgiveness and support. After all, wouldn’t you like them to do the same? How you parent together is something visible to your child as they get older, and they benefit from knowing you value and spend time on the process.

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

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Yes, you should be talking with your kids about sex

First things first, let the official record show that you should be talking to your kids about sex. When your kids learn about sex from you, you get to control the narrative. You can talk about what qualifies as sex, staying safe, and the potential risks as well as the rewards. 

Choosing not to talk with your kids about sex — or pushing off the conversation just a little bit longer — will not keep your kid from learning about sex on TV and TikTok, from their schoolmates and siblings, and online. 

Plus there are tons of related conversations that are worth having as early as feels appropriate to you. We know that on average, kids see porn for the first time at age 12. While your child may not fall into this group, it’s probably a good idea to have conversations with them about how porn fits into the picture. 

The trouble with “The Talk”

The use of the word ‘The’ suggests that this is a one-and-done conversation, but talking to them about sex just once won’t cut it.

Sure, one conversation may seem like an easier undertaking for you, the parents. But actually, it puts way more pressure on you to say all the right things! Plus, covering all the things your kiddo needs to learn would take hours. Bluntly, nobody wants to be monologuing about lovemaking for that long! 

A one-time conversation also robs your child of the opportunity to sleep on the new information, and come back with questions or clarifications on the bits they’re confused about. 

The replacement: Ongoing sex conversation 

Consider talking about sex at various intervals. Even better, try creating a culture in your family where the lines of communication are open and honest about all topics. 

In practice, that might look like:

• Explaining music lyrics your kiddo doesn’t understand, even when they’re sexual
• Naming the sex acts on screen TV shows and movies you’re watching as a family
• Opening up about your own experiences with puberty, kissing, and relationships
• Purchasing age-appropriate sex-education pamphlets and books

Remember, these sex talks aren’t just about sex. They are — or should also be — be about body parts, reproduction, consent, masturbation, pregnancy and pregnancy protection, sexually transmitted diseases, gender and sexuality, and more. 

When to start the conversation

There is no one-size-fits-all rule for when you should start having these conversations or what those topics should include. Where you live, what TV shows and social media platforms your kid has access to, and the ages of the other kids your child is spending time with, will all influence the likelihood that they hear about sex from someone other than you. 

Ahead, some general guidelines of what topics to cover and when. 

Ages 0 to 5

This is the time your child is learning the names of their different body parts. Rather than giving their genitals cutesy nicknames like “pee-pee”, “down there”, or “gi-gi”, use biologically accurate words. It’s also okay to introduce the topic of privacy, and when it’s okay for trusted adults to help with private parts (diaper changes, washing, at the hospital). 

Teaching toddlers the proper names for their genitals and other reproductive organs can stop shame around those body parts from developing. Without the weight of shame, this gives them more comfort to ask the questions they might have about those parts, how they feel, and how to know if something is wrong. It also gives them the language to name if someone(s) touches them without their consent. 

Ages 3 to 5

This is the age that many kids like to run around naked — for instance after bath time – and it’s a good opportunity to address appropriate places to be naked (home) versus less appropriate places (public). 

This is also a good time to start to introduce the idea of consent. That means encouraging your children to say no to things like physical contact. For instance, if your child does not like to be held when they are upset, avoid holding them. Similarly, if they do not want to hug an extended family member, they shouldn’t be forced to do so. Reading books about body boundaries, consent and privacy is a great way to start these tricky discussions.

Ages 6 to 8 

Usually, kids ask where babies come from by this age range. Though, it could be significantly earlier if they encounter a pregnant person (for instance, you or your partner) during that time. 

When addressing these questions, start by broadly addressing that two people coming together very very closely is a prerequisite for pregnancy. Then, answer follow-up questions that may pop up. Some kids will be satisfied by the bare minimum, while others will want more details. Feel free to start small with just a drop of information for them to absorb.

From there if they’re showing interest, you can go ahead and explain the way a sperm can fertilize an egg and how that can lead to pregnancy. Because this can be a confusing concept for even adults to grasp, visuals and diagrams can be helpful here! You can feel free to discuss how animals, trees and other things grow and come from “seeds” if that’s helpful.

Ages 8 to 12

Don’t hate the messenger, but puberty starts much earlier than most parents realize. Actually, data suggests that kids assigned female at birth (usually, girls) start puberty, on average, at age 11. Meanwhile, kids assigned male at birth (usually, boys) start at 12. Remember: these are averages, which means that half of kids are beginning puberty earlier than this. 

You want to talk to your child about what puberty is and could entail prior to them experiencing it. Access to knowledge about puberty will help them understand what their bodies are doing, rather than being afraid or ashamed of changes. Again, starting these talks early and often can cut down on embarrassment and keep lines of communication open. Try to anticipate their needs during these phases from deodorant to razors to menstrual supplies. Try not to gender your chats, as it’s important for any child to understand and have empathy for the experiences of those around them.

Ages 13+ 

It’s a good idea to talk to your child about sexual intercourse — and other sex acts — before they are doing them. And bluntly, your kids are probably engaging in sexual activity far earlier than you think. On average, kids are kissing by age 14 and having penetrative sex by age 17. 

Throughout their teens, you want to talk about what sexual activity should (and should not) feel like and address potential unwanted risks of said activity, and what they can do to protect themselves. Finally, you should get specific about consent, outlining about what verbal consent looks like, highlighting that it can be revoked at any point, and debriefing what consent looks like if drugs and alcohol are involved. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Sibling dynamics can be challenging, but they have an enormous influence on a child’s life — especially when you consider that 82% of American children grow up with a sibling, and roughly 75% of 70-year-olds have a living sibling. As a result, they’re perhaps the longest relationships your children will have.

To help your testy adolescents develop a healthy bond with each other — even as they periodically clash and are forced to learn how to resolve those conflicts — here are some things you can do to give them the best chance of having a supportive, lifelong friendship. 

Avoid favoritism (or even a whiff of it)

Adolescents are incredibly sensitive to being treated differently or unfairly. Any perception of a favored child can spark competition, resentment, and unrest between siblings. For this reason, it’s best to steer clear of making sibling comparisons (“Your sister never did this!”) or taking sides (“You started it!”). 

Instead, try to stay aware of your biases and resist putting one child above the other. Consider offering similar privileges at similar ages and celebrating each child’s unique strengths. You can reinforce the latter by spending one-on-one time with each child doing things they uniquely enjoy. 

Should circumstances make it so you need to spend more time with one of your children than the others — due to a medical issue, for example — carefully explain why to your other children. You may think they already know, but it’s good to talk about the disparity and ask how they’re feeling. 

Speaking of “fair”

Many parents try to keep things 100% equal between each child. (I remember my mother having elaborate lists of exactly how much money she spent on each child at Christmas. It was important to her to have spent — to the penny — the same amount on each daughter.) But, what each child values and hopes for doesn’t have a price. This goes for material gifts, but also experiences and time with you. Focusing on making everything equal can actually increase competition between siblings as they constantly compare and examine. Instead? Focus on each child’s unique needs and desires. This not only connects you (and them) to their internal wishes, it takes the focus off of competition. 

Intervene at the first sign of bullying

Whereas a warm sibling relationship has been shown to promote empathy and prosocial behavior, a toxic sibling relationship — such as one marked by nonphysical aggression like excluding or belittling a sibling — is associated with depression, low self-worth, and risky behaviors for the bullied child.

While it’s generally recommended to let your adolescents try to resolve conflicts themselves first, bullying is different and it 100% can happen within families. If you observe this happening, you need to step in, listen to all of the feelings, and continue to establish clear family rules. Here are a few examples:

• In this family, we treat each other with kindness and respect.
• I cannot let you bully your sibling. I’m separating you both now. I’m on your team, and we will figure this out.
• No one gets to use the disputed item/space until a solution is reached. 
• Family members stick together and look out for each other, always.
• It’s okay to have moments when being a sibling is tough. I get it, I didn’t always love being a little sister either! But this house is a safe space for everyone.

Continued bullying or intimidation is a sign that the family needs additional support. Whether that’s changing your parenting approach or seeking therapy together/individually, it is a time-sensitive need.

Encourage shared activities and working together

To help your children’s relationship grow, spend time together as a family whenever you can — for example, playing games, watching movies, eating meals, or going on family walks or bike rides. You can also give your adolescents shared tasks, such as preparing a meal or raking leaves, with big kudos and praise for doing it harmoniously.

Use your words to send a message that working well with your sibling is important and something to be cherished. Don’t hold back on comments like: “I love it when you two work together so beautifully” or “You guys put your heads together and did something great!” It’s also okay to acknowledge that being a sibling is hard. Empathy when a little sibling is left out or a big sibling has more responsibilities is wonderful. You are not putting negative ideas in their head, but you are acknowledging that you’re there to support their tricky feelings about being a sibling.

A little praise and empathy go a long way — and if it works, the ultimate benefit is that you’ll not only have more peace at home, but your children will have each other to lean on for the long haul. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• Should we go to couples therapy?
• When should I introduce my child to a new partner?

Sources

• McHale, SM, et al. “Sibling Relationships and Influences in Childhood and Adolescence.” J Marriage Fam. 74(5): 913-930. October 2012. 
• Settersten, RA. “Social Relationships in the New Demographic Regime.” Advances in Life Course Research. Volume 12: 3-28. 2007. 
• McHale, SM, et al. “Sibling Relationships and Influences in Childhood and Adolescence.” J Marriage Fam. 74(5): 913-930. October 2012.
• Gallagher, AM, et al. “Longitudinal Associations Between Sibling Relational Aggression and Adolescent Adjustment.” J Youth Adolesc. 47(10): 2100-2113. October 2018. 

If your relationship with your partner has been struggling for a while, you may want to consider couples therapy. Not only could it help if you’ve been arguing about your adolescents — or worse, blaming each other for their behavior — but it could help you both model a healthy relationship for your children. 

And even if you’re feeling pretty good about your relationship, couples therapy can help you establish a better understanding of yourself and deepen your connection to each other. 

Reasons couples seek out therapy

Some of the common reasons include:

• Fighting more than usual
• Feeling stuck in frustrating patterns
• Dealing with issues of broken trust
• Inability to communicate effectively
• Unresolved resentment or tension
• Serious parenting disagreements or challenges
• Constant criticism or defensiveness
• Less intimacy and a growing disconnect
• A child in therapy

Types of couples therapy

There are many different types of therapy available — both in-person and, increasingly, online — but two of the most popular forms of couples therapy are:

• The Gottman Method: Named after the married researchers John and Julie Gottman, this approach is based on the couple’s research into predicting what leads to divorce (with impressive 94% accuracy) and using that knowledge to repair and improve relationships. 
• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Pioneered by therapist Sue Johnson, this method stems from what’s called attachment theory. It focuses on rebuilding the emotional connection between partners and has been shown to boost relationship satisfaction for at least two years.

If your relationship has already reached the crisis stage, however, with at least one of you leaning toward splitting up, there’s also a type of therapy specifically for this situation: discernment counseling. Therapists who specialize in this area help you figure out whether to stay together or not. 

Either way, the goal is coming to a clear decision on how to proceed. If the verdict is splitting up, the good news is that couples who go through discernment counseling but still separate report more amicable breakups and co-parenting — which can make a huge difference for your children. 

How to find the right therapist

Start by asking for referrals from your friends, family, or healthcare providers. Word of mouth and personal recommendations can be a great way to find someone who’s vouched for. Many therapists offer a free consultation (15-20 minutes), allowing you to ask questions and see whether it’s a fit. It can feel overwhelming, but don’t be afraid to shop around — it’s essential that you find someone who makes you feel comfortable. 

Here are a few things you might want to inquire about:

• What type of couples therapy do they offer, and how does it typically work?
• How much experience do they have (e.g. years in practice, numbers of couples counseled, etc.)?
• Are they registered and licensed? What are their credentials and/or degrees?
• Have they worked with couples like you or who have experienced similar issues? 

If the therapist has a website or blog, you can also get a sense of their personality and philosophy that way, or by reading online reviews and testimonials. If you haven’t been discussing this or looking for providers together, once you find someone who seems suitable, the next step is getting buy-in from your partner. Many people find they just have to get the ball rolling by booking a first session! You may encounter some resistance or discomfort, but be assertive in sharing what you think needs to be worked on and why therapy is effective for those issues. And of course, emphasize your goals, such as better communication, more unified parenting, and/or reduced tension. You’ve got this. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• When should I introduce my child to a new partner?
• How to tackle complicated in-law relationships

Sources

•  Brody, Jane. “To Predict Divorce, Ask 125 Questions.” The New York Times. August 11, 1992. 
•  Wiebe, SA, et al. “Two-Year Follow-up Outcomes in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: An Investigation of Relationship Satisfaction and Attachment Trajectories.” J Marital Fam Ther. 43(2):227-244. April 2017. 

Resentment in its various forms typically builds over time, and it can be one of the biggest relationship killers, especially for busy and overstretched parents. If resentment festers, you may start to lose empathy for your partner, shut down emotionally, and avoid conversation as well as intimacy.  

The problem is that this only makes things worse, as resentment has to be addressed in order to be resolved — and most importantly, to prevent it from damaging your relationship and negatively impacting not only your own wellbeing, but that of your children and partner as well. 

Identifying the warning signs (for both of you)

Here are some of most common indicators that you may be harboring resentment toward your partner:

• A sense of an unequal division of labor (e.g. with parenting, household chores, etc.)
• A feeling of being slighted, betrayed, or treated unfairly
• Increased irritability, disgust, and/or passive aggressiveness
• Embittered statements like “You always…” or “You never…”
• Less respect for your partner 
• Little to no interest in sex or intimacy
• Complaining frequently about your partner to others

As for your partner, or the person who is sensing your resentment, they may notice:

• Greater emotional distance and/or a disconnect between you
• An increase in tension and arguments, but without understanding why
• A feeling of being ignored, criticized, or cut off, leading to confusion and anxiety
• Increased shame and hopelessness about the noticeably unhappy dynamic

Tackling the big one: The division of labor

From washing uniforms to arranging carpools to enforcing rules, the daily to-do list for parents of adolescents can feel endless. Not surprisingly, one of the most common paths to resentment is feeling like you’re taking on significantly more parenting duties and domestic tasks than your partner.  

If it seems like you’re carrying the load, or your partner isn’t doing their fair share, it’s important to bring it up proactively to keep it from turning into something toxic. When you’re calm, share how you’re feeling and describe in very specific detail what your needs and expectations are. Don’t assume your partner already knows.  

From there, see how your partner is feeling and if there are any misunderstandings at play. It’s possible they want to help more but are fearful of doing things wrong — or not up to your parenting standards. In that case, you can let them know that perfection is not the objective, but rather being a team. It’s important to really own this piece, as default parents often like things done “their way.” Your partner’s best may look differently than you’d hoped, but this isn’t the time for criticism or inflexibility.

Tools and tricks to try

It may be helpful to try to go through and define (or redefine) who is responsible for what on a regular basis — and ideally put it in writing so that it can be reviewed and updated. Even if it’s not completely equal, it needs to feel like a fair division of responsibilities to both of you. These check-ins can help you feel more supported, and remind everyone where they are succeeding or need work. Remember that now that your children are older, there may be places where responsibilities can start shifting to them as well! They can’t learn without some failures along the way, so a parent can always be listed as their “back-up.”

When resentment rears its head again, another trick is to think about your partner’s good qualities and the contributions they do make. Another way to look at this is to assume your partner had good intentions, whether that’s something they did or something they said. It may help you put things in perspective and cultivate gratitude. After all, no one is without flaws, including you, and every relationship requires effort and compromise. 

And while it’s unlikely that every contribution each of you make is equal across all categories (household chores, home maintenance, childcare, etc.), when you step back and look at the bigger picture, you should feel like you’re a team and that you’re in it together. Any change is a process, so give your new perspective and organization time to bear fruit.

Being together

As parents, it can often feel that time with just the two of you is at a premium. Even when you get away for a date, a lot of that time can be spent just tackling the things mentioned above. Dating your partner doesn’t have to be time consuming or expensive. But it should avoid household maintenance chats or concerns about the kids. Setting aside even 30 minutes together to walk and talk or listen to a funny podcast is a way to reconnect bit by bit. If you’re feeling resentful, this allows you to slowly start to enjoy each other without the pressure of a multi-hour expensive dinner. Your children are aware of the effort you make to be a couple, and it sets a wonderful example to put the work in.

Resentment in your relationship: when to seek more help

If you’ve tried bringing the conversation up and it’s not going well, or nothing has improved, you may want to consider going to couples counseling to have an experienced therapist help you navigate fraught issues. It’s a commitment, but then again, so is a relationship. 

There are also online relationship courses that you can take to help you improve your communication as partners and co-parents, which is by far the biggest tool you have for weathering the ups and downs together. Healthy communication can make all the difference when life’s next conflict occurs. Seeking help is not a sign that something is wrong, it’s an investment in your family and your relationship.  

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• Fostering a lasting bond between siblings
• Should we go to couples therapy?

It’s only natural for both sets of in-laws to want to be more involved and to offer help and advice. But at times, this can feel downright overbearing. And sometimes, a lack of excitement can also cause hurt feelings and create feelings of isolation. In general, hurt is often from under or over-involvement. 

Here are some tips for setting boundaries with your in-laws as you and your partner solidify your own family unit, one that may have brand new customs alongside components of your unique upbringings.

Get on the same page with your partner 

Conflicts with your respective families are bound to come up, so it’s a good idea to talk about how to handle them in advance. For example, should each person deal with their own parents whenever there’s a sensitive topic? This can often be easier, as parents tend to be more forgiving of their own child. Try not to use your partner as a scapegoat in chats with your own parents about boundaries, present a united front even when it’s tough.

Also, it’s important to establish that your relationship comes first. While you may not always agree with your in-laws, the health of your relationship depends on being unified with your partner on in-law matters. Take a team approach and discuss issues in private, rather than in front of your in-laws. 

Create boundaries and find solutions to complicated in-law relationships

Talk about what’s bothering each of you, from unannounced in-law visits to grandparents who allow your child to eat too much junk food. Then take on the list that applies to your own parents and gently offer solutions, such as an approved snack list or a regular invite to Friday dinners at your house.

By presenting a solution along with the boundary, you’ll help offset the blow and make it easier for your parents to stick to the plan. If they know they’ll see you on Fridays, for example, they won’t feel shut out by the “no dropping by” rule or concerned that they won’t be able to see their grandchild. 

It is very common to have disagreements with another generation of parents. Your boundaries around physical touch, consent, and social media may be very different because of your perspective and experience. Remind yourself in tricky moments that certain boundaries are actually you sticking up for your kiddo, as this can make it easier to hold the line. 

Have a game plan for the holidays

The holidays are one of the most common times for in-law skirmishes, as they come full of expectations, longstanding rituals, and high emotions. Without a game plan, you and your partner can both end up feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or resentful.

With two sets of in-laws, you simply may not be able to please everyone. Many couples find that accepting this is the first step to figuring out your shared vision of holiday sanity — whether it’s alternating between families each year, taking odd years off from attending family gatherings, or even creating a totally new tradition of your own.

Other holiday tips:

• Avoid accepting a family invite or making holiday plans without speaking to your partner.
• At holiday gatherings, avoid any topics that are known to get heated, such as politics. 
• If things get uncomfortable, have an exit strategy, such as a code word for when to leave.
• Make the most of nap time and feeding time to get a break from the action.
• Brainstorm new traditions or activities, like a pie-making contest, that can diffuse tension.
• Watch children for signs of overstimulation or discomfort, and again — have an exit strategy to use before things unravel.

Nurture a more joyful connection

In an ideal world, we’d all like to have a warm rapport with our in-laws. If that isn’t happening naturally, it can feel like a positive relationship with their grandchild is impossible. But the two relationships are distinct, and there are things you can do to try to foster a connection and keep the focus where you’d like it — such as on how awesome their grandchild is, and not on unsolicited input about your parenting or lifestyle. 

For example, you might decide to regularly share photos and videos of their grandchild or facilitate bonding opportunities, like encouraging your in-laws to take your child on fun outings. As a bonus, this could provide a breather for you and your partner, if not increased gratitude for your in-laws. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• Dealing with resentment in your relationship
• Fostering a lasting bond between siblings

How do you know when both of these factors are in place? Let’s take a closer look at each. 

Evaluating your new relationship

Falling in love with someone isn’t reason enough to introduce them to your child. Many new relationships don’t go the distance, and if you introduce your child too soon, it could cause unnecessary stress or anguish for them. This is because the feelings surrounding an attachment to you and another person are extremely complex for children of any age.

This is why it’s important to confirm that you’ve made it past the “honeymoon stage” and that you and your new partner have a good chance at a future together. Some experts say this means waiting at least six months, while others recommend nine to 12 months before introducing a new partner. That doesn’t mean you need to keep your relationship a total secret, older children especially, can be clued into the presence of someone important in your life without meeting in person. 

The exact right time may be difficult to pinpoint, but asking yourself these questions can help:

• Is this relationship serious and committed enough to warrant taking this step?
• Is my new partner a good fit for my family? Can I see them as a stepparent?
• What’s the rush? Do I really need to introduce my partner now, or can it wait?
• Have I noticed any red flags or safety concerns?

Exploring whether your child is ready

Even if you’re eager to move on, your child may not be. It’s important to keep in mind how much time has passed since your split from your previous partner or your child’s other parent. It can take a year or two for children to adjust to their parents’ separation, and introducing a new partner too soon could disrupt the healing process. 

Also, if your child is still hoping for a family reconciliation, they may be unwilling to accept your new partner, or they may even try to sabotage the relationship. Children who aren’t ready to see you with someone else may also act out due to feelings of jealousy or anxiety. 

The best way to ensure your child is ready is by talking to them. Ask your child how they feel about meeting your new partner, and let their feedback be your guide. If they say yes, it’s a good indicator of readiness. Of course, age and maturity play a major role here. An older child can grasp some of what meeting a new partner means, while a toddler may have less ability to express or process their feelings. It’s also a great idea to let your co-parent know that you’ll be making an introduction — that way, no one’s caught off guard. 

Planning a successful first meeting

Here are a few tips for making the introduction as comfortable and non-pressurized as possible. Make sure your new partner is aware of the recommendations and boundaries in place:

• Pick a neutral place that your child likes. It could be a park, an ice cream shop, or a casual restaurant. It could also involve some type of activity that your child enjoys. 
• Keep it brief and low-key. This is not the time for a long outing. Try to keep the first meeting short and informal. From there, you can gradually build up to spending more time together.
• Avoid physical displays of affection. Touching or kissing your partner could be off-putting at first. Instead, sit next to your child and provide lots of attention to prevent any sense of rivalry. Do not force your child to be affectionate with your new partner, allow them safe boundaries for touch.
• See if your child has questions before or after. Address any concerns, accept that there will be complicated feelings, and offer reassurance that having a new partner won’t take away from the love you have for them. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• How to tackle complicated in-law relationships
• Dealing with resentment in your relationship

Here’s what to know about ADHD in children, including the most common signs and symptoms.

What is ADHD?

ADHD is short for attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. The condition affects millions of children, can be diagnosed at any age, and often continues into adulthood. It’s mainly characterized by difficulty focusing and holding attention, an inability to sit still, and impulsive behaviors.

ADD vs. ADHD

ADD (short for attention deficit disorder) was once used to describe people with attention difficulties who don’t struggle with hyperactivity (an inability to sit still). However, the term is outdated. Today, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) only recognizes ADHD as an official mental health condition.

Signs your child has ADHD

Kids, preteens, and teens with ADHD show various signs of inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness. A diagnosis of ADHD requires multiple symptoms (depending on age) over a period of time for a diagnosis. 

A child with ADHD might:

• Be constantly in motion
• Fidget, squirm, or get out of their seat when asked to sit still
• Be easily distracted
• Be unable to finish tasks, fail to do chores/homework
• Have trouble listening, be forgetful
• Struggle to play quietly
• Talk excessively, interrupt often, or intrude socially

Keep in mind the symptoms can vary from person to person. Also, some of these traits are relatively normal for kids, as their brains are still developing. A diagnosis would take different factors into account, like their age and how chronic the issues are.

How to know if your child’s behavior is normal

Again, it’s normal for children, tweens, and even teens to be inattentive and impulsive — at least sometimes. If your child is showing some signs of ADHD once in a while, it’s not necessarily a cause for concern.

If your child is struggling in many different environments, that can also be a clue that something global needs to be addressed. For example, tired and overstimulated children may be challenging at home after school, but if their teachers report great behavior while at school, that’s reassuring. 

In some cases, a lack of attention has more to do with a lack of interest in an activity than a general inability to focus. As for the hyperactivity aspect, well…kids are often hyper and energetic. So you can’t assume every high-energy child has ADHD — that’s why working with a provider is so crucial. 

How is ADHD diagnosed?

Like many mental health conditions, there’s no blood test or brain scan that confirms whether a person has ADHD. Instead, a healthcare provider will ask questions about your child’s behaviors, activity levels, school performance, and overall health. Often you’ll need to see a specialized provider or work in a team with a provider and a school counselor/specialist.

You’ll likely be asked to fill out a checklist or questionnaire about things you’ve noticed and how long they’ve been going on. A provider will carefully consider all factors before diagnosing your child with ADHD — or potentially a learning disorder or another mental health condition if they think something else might be going on.

What to do if you think your child might have ADHD

Knowing the signs of ADHD is important, but you won’t know for sure if your child has the condition until you get a diagnosis. The best thing to do is make an appointment with your child’s provider or their school counselor to get the process started.

If your child is diagnosed with ADHD, there are many treatment paths available — including taking medications and starting therapy — finding the right one may take time. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

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• Screens and safety monitoring

Sources

• Mayo Clinic Staff. “Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children.” Mayo Clinic. 2019. Web. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adhd/symptoms-causes/syc-20350889
• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). “Symptoms and Diagnosis of ADHD.” 2022. Web. https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/diagnosis.html
• Nemours Children’s Health. “ADHD.” 2022. Web. https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/adhd.html
• American Psychiatric Association (APA). “Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).” Web. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/adhd