Here’s a quick primer on four things you can do to reduce conflict and provide consistent messages to your child — even when you have varying points of view.  

Identify your parenting styles

There are many popular parenting styles and approaches. Recently, some of the most popular are:

• Responsive Parenting (also called gentle parenting) focuses on tuning into a child’s needs and emotions. The focus is on creating a positive relationship between parent and child and helping your child learn to navigate their emotions.
• Attachment Parenting focuses on responsiveness as well, and promotes the idea that early brain development is fostered by consistently offering your child ways to connect to you.
• Authoritative focuses on teaching concepts like scaffolding, and high expectations for behavior.

Of course, there are many more styles out there, including some that involve harsh punishments or neglect. Where do you and your partner each fall? By understanding each person’s style, it can help you start a productive conversation about where each of you is coming from and how you might be able to meet in the middle. Because finding harmony, like most things, involves compromise.  

Collaborate on the approach

Regardless of which parenting style works for you, your children will blossom with consistency. Your partner (and/or family members involved in your child’s care) and you can collaborate on various strategies for common concerns like what to do for tantrums, bedtime battles, and big feelings. It’s tough for children to manage any hard situation when the response from each parent is wildly different. Children thrive on consistency, as it helps prevent them from feeling confused or insecure — or from trying to “divide and conquer” the two of you by using parental differences to their advantage. 

Maintain a unified front

It’s important to back up your partner, as long as they’re being safe. If they do something you disagree with, talk to them in private later instead of arguing in front of your child. The latter can undermine their authority and can cause anxiety and misunderstanding for your child. We all get thrown into parenting situations that we fumble over, and it’s okay to go back to your child and apologize for a hurtful or inappropriate response. While we can’t have a do-over, we can spend time repairing and learning. 

Schedule weekly check-ins

New parenting decisions will always be surfacing, so it might be a good idea to have a regular time each week for re-evaluating the approach or coming up with new ones. As your child grows older, for example, you’ll need to hash out where you stand on things like smartphones, social media, or dating.  

Also, your child’s evolving personality may bring about new parenting conflicts. To avoid letting your differences stress your relationship, try to always see your partner as your ally. Even when they make parenting mistakes, you can choose to extend your forgiveness and support. After all, wouldn’t you like them to do the same? How you parent together is something visible to your child as they get older, and they benefit from knowing you value and spend time on the process.

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• How to tackle complicated in-law relationships
• Fostering a lasting bond between siblings

Sibling dynamics can be challenging, but they have an enormous influence on a child’s life — especially when you consider that 82% of American children grow up with a sibling, and roughly 75% of 70-year-olds have a living sibling. As a result, they’re perhaps the longest relationships your children will have.

To help your testy adolescents develop a healthy bond with each other — even as they periodically clash and are forced to learn how to resolve those conflicts — here are some things you can do to give them the best chance of having a supportive, lifelong friendship. 

Avoid favoritism (or even a whiff of it)

Adolescents are incredibly sensitive to being treated differently or unfairly. Any perception of a favored child can spark competition, resentment, and unrest between siblings. For this reason, it’s best to steer clear of making sibling comparisons (“Your sister never did this!”) or taking sides (“You started it!”). 

Instead, try to stay aware of your biases and resist putting one child above the other. Consider offering similar privileges at similar ages and celebrating each child’s unique strengths. You can reinforce the latter by spending one-on-one time with each child doing things they uniquely enjoy. 

Should circumstances make it so you need to spend more time with one of your children than the others — due to a medical issue, for example — carefully explain why to your other children. You may think they already know, but it’s good to talk about the disparity and ask how they’re feeling. 

Speaking of “fair”

Many parents try to keep things 100% equal between each child. (I remember my mother having elaborate lists of exactly how much money she spent on each child at Christmas. It was important to her to have spent — to the penny — the same amount on each daughter.) But, what each child values and hopes for doesn’t have a price. This goes for material gifts, but also experiences and time with you. Focusing on making everything equal can actually increase competition between siblings as they constantly compare and examine. Instead? Focus on each child’s unique needs and desires. This not only connects you (and them) to their internal wishes, it takes the focus off of competition. 

Intervene at the first sign of bullying

Whereas a warm sibling relationship has been shown to promote empathy and prosocial behavior, a toxic sibling relationship — such as one marked by nonphysical aggression like excluding or belittling a sibling — is associated with depression, low self-worth, and risky behaviors for the bullied child.

While it’s generally recommended to let your adolescents try to resolve conflicts themselves first, bullying is different and it 100% can happen within families. If you observe this happening, you need to step in, listen to all of the feelings, and continue to establish clear family rules. Here are a few examples:

• In this family, we treat each other with kindness and respect.
• I cannot let you bully your sibling. I’m separating you both now. I’m on your team, and we will figure this out.
• No one gets to use the disputed item/space until a solution is reached. 
• Family members stick together and look out for each other, always.
• It’s okay to have moments when being a sibling is tough. I get it, I didn’t always love being a little sister either! But this house is a safe space for everyone.

Continued bullying or intimidation is a sign that the family needs additional support. Whether that’s changing your parenting approach or seeking therapy together/individually, it is a time-sensitive need.

Encourage shared activities and working together

To help your children’s relationship grow, spend time together as a family whenever you can — for example, playing games, watching movies, eating meals, or going on family walks or bike rides. You can also give your adolescents shared tasks, such as preparing a meal or raking leaves, with big kudos and praise for doing it harmoniously.

Use your words to send a message that working well with your sibling is important and something to be cherished. Don’t hold back on comments like: “I love it when you two work together so beautifully” or “You guys put your heads together and did something great!” It’s also okay to acknowledge that being a sibling is hard. Empathy when a little sibling is left out or a big sibling has more responsibilities is wonderful. You are not putting negative ideas in their head, but you are acknowledging that you’re there to support their tricky feelings about being a sibling.

A little praise and empathy go a long way — and if it works, the ultimate benefit is that you’ll not only have more peace at home, but your children will have each other to lean on for the long haul. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• Should we go to couples therapy?
• When should I introduce my child to a new partner?

Sources

• McHale, SM, et al. “Sibling Relationships and Influences in Childhood and Adolescence.” J Marriage Fam. 74(5): 913-930. October 2012. 
• Settersten, RA. “Social Relationships in the New Demographic Regime.” Advances in Life Course Research. Volume 12: 3-28. 2007. 
• McHale, SM, et al. “Sibling Relationships and Influences in Childhood and Adolescence.” J Marriage Fam. 74(5): 913-930. October 2012.
• Gallagher, AM, et al. “Longitudinal Associations Between Sibling Relational Aggression and Adolescent Adjustment.” J Youth Adolesc. 47(10): 2100-2113. October 2018. 

If your relationship with your partner has been struggling for a while, you may want to consider couples therapy. Not only could it help if you’ve been arguing about your adolescents — or worse, blaming each other for their behavior — but it could help you both model a healthy relationship for your children. 

And even if you’re feeling pretty good about your relationship, couples therapy can help you establish a better understanding of yourself and deepen your connection to each other. 

Reasons couples seek out therapy

Some of the common reasons include:

• Fighting more than usual
• Feeling stuck in frustrating patterns
• Dealing with issues of broken trust
• Inability to communicate effectively
• Unresolved resentment or tension
• Serious parenting disagreements or challenges
• Constant criticism or defensiveness
• Less intimacy and a growing disconnect
• A child in therapy

Types of couples therapy

There are many different types of therapy available — both in-person and, increasingly, online — but two of the most popular forms of couples therapy are:

• The Gottman Method: Named after the married researchers John and Julie Gottman, this approach is based on the couple’s research into predicting what leads to divorce (with impressive 94% accuracy) and using that knowledge to repair and improve relationships. 
• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Pioneered by therapist Sue Johnson, this method stems from what’s called attachment theory. It focuses on rebuilding the emotional connection between partners and has been shown to boost relationship satisfaction for at least two years.

If your relationship has already reached the crisis stage, however, with at least one of you leaning toward splitting up, there’s also a type of therapy specifically for this situation: discernment counseling. Therapists who specialize in this area help you figure out whether to stay together or not. 

Either way, the goal is coming to a clear decision on how to proceed. If the verdict is splitting up, the good news is that couples who go through discernment counseling but still separate report more amicable breakups and co-parenting — which can make a huge difference for your children. 

How to find the right therapist

Start by asking for referrals from your friends, family, or healthcare providers. Word of mouth and personal recommendations can be a great way to find someone who’s vouched for. Many therapists offer a free consultation (15-20 minutes), allowing you to ask questions and see whether it’s a fit. It can feel overwhelming, but don’t be afraid to shop around — it’s essential that you find someone who makes you feel comfortable. 

Here are a few things you might want to inquire about:

• What type of couples therapy do they offer, and how does it typically work?
• How much experience do they have (e.g. years in practice, numbers of couples counseled, etc.)?
• Are they registered and licensed? What are their credentials and/or degrees?
• Have they worked with couples like you or who have experienced similar issues? 

If the therapist has a website or blog, you can also get a sense of their personality and philosophy that way, or by reading online reviews and testimonials. If you haven’t been discussing this or looking for providers together, once you find someone who seems suitable, the next step is getting buy-in from your partner. Many people find they just have to get the ball rolling by booking a first session! You may encounter some resistance or discomfort, but be assertive in sharing what you think needs to be worked on and why therapy is effective for those issues. And of course, emphasize your goals, such as better communication, more unified parenting, and/or reduced tension. You’ve got this. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• When should I introduce my child to a new partner?
• How to tackle complicated in-law relationships

Sources

•  Brody, Jane. “To Predict Divorce, Ask 125 Questions.” The New York Times. August 11, 1992. 
•  Wiebe, SA, et al. “Two-Year Follow-up Outcomes in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: An Investigation of Relationship Satisfaction and Attachment Trajectories.” J Marital Fam Ther. 43(2):227-244. April 2017. 

It’s only natural for both sets of in-laws to want to be more involved and to offer help and advice. But at times, this can feel downright overbearing. And sometimes, a lack of excitement can also cause hurt feelings and create feelings of isolation. In general, hurt is often from under or over-involvement. 

Here are some tips for setting boundaries with your in-laws as you and your partner solidify your own family unit, one that may have brand new customs alongside components of your unique upbringings.

Get on the same page with your partner 

Conflicts with your respective families are bound to come up, so it’s a good idea to talk about how to handle them in advance. For example, should each person deal with their own parents whenever there’s a sensitive topic? This can often be easier, as parents tend to be more forgiving of their own child. Try not to use your partner as a scapegoat in chats with your own parents about boundaries, present a united front even when it’s tough.

Also, it’s important to establish that your relationship comes first. While you may not always agree with your in-laws, the health of your relationship depends on being unified with your partner on in-law matters. Take a team approach and discuss issues in private, rather than in front of your in-laws. 

Create boundaries and find solutions to complicated in-law relationships

Talk about what’s bothering each of you, from unannounced in-law visits to grandparents who allow your child to eat too much junk food. Then take on the list that applies to your own parents and gently offer solutions, such as an approved snack list or a regular invite to Friday dinners at your house.

By presenting a solution along with the boundary, you’ll help offset the blow and make it easier for your parents to stick to the plan. If they know they’ll see you on Fridays, for example, they won’t feel shut out by the “no dropping by” rule or concerned that they won’t be able to see their grandchild. 

It is very common to have disagreements with another generation of parents. Your boundaries around physical touch, consent, and social media may be very different because of your perspective and experience. Remind yourself in tricky moments that certain boundaries are actually you sticking up for your kiddo, as this can make it easier to hold the line. 

Have a game plan for the holidays

The holidays are one of the most common times for in-law skirmishes, as they come full of expectations, longstanding rituals, and high emotions. Without a game plan, you and your partner can both end up feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or resentful.

With two sets of in-laws, you simply may not be able to please everyone. Many couples find that accepting this is the first step to figuring out your shared vision of holiday sanity — whether it’s alternating between families each year, taking odd years off from attending family gatherings, or even creating a totally new tradition of your own.

Other holiday tips:

• Avoid accepting a family invite or making holiday plans without speaking to your partner.
• At holiday gatherings, avoid any topics that are known to get heated, such as politics. 
• If things get uncomfortable, have an exit strategy, such as a code word for when to leave.
• Make the most of nap time and feeding time to get a break from the action.
• Brainstorm new traditions or activities, like a pie-making contest, that can diffuse tension.
• Watch children for signs of overstimulation or discomfort, and again — have an exit strategy to use before things unravel.

Nurture a more joyful connection

In an ideal world, we’d all like to have a warm rapport with our in-laws. If that isn’t happening naturally, it can feel like a positive relationship with their grandchild is impossible. But the two relationships are distinct, and there are things you can do to try to foster a connection and keep the focus where you’d like it — such as on how awesome their grandchild is, and not on unsolicited input about your parenting or lifestyle. 

For example, you might decide to regularly share photos and videos of their grandchild or facilitate bonding opportunities, like encouraging your in-laws to take your child on fun outings. As a bonus, this could provide a breather for you and your partner, if not increased gratitude for your in-laws. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• Dealing with resentment in your relationship
• Fostering a lasting bond between siblings

How do you know when both of these factors are in place? Let’s take a closer look at each. 

Evaluating your new relationship

Falling in love with someone isn’t reason enough to introduce them to your child. Many new relationships don’t go the distance, and if you introduce your child too soon, it could cause unnecessary stress or anguish for them. This is because the feelings surrounding an attachment to you and another person are extremely complex for children of any age.

This is why it’s important to confirm that you’ve made it past the “honeymoon stage” and that you and your new partner have a good chance at a future together. Some experts say this means waiting at least six months, while others recommend nine to 12 months before introducing a new partner. That doesn’t mean you need to keep your relationship a total secret, older children especially, can be clued into the presence of someone important in your life without meeting in person. 

The exact right time may be difficult to pinpoint, but asking yourself these questions can help:

• Is this relationship serious and committed enough to warrant taking this step?
• Is my new partner a good fit for my family? Can I see them as a stepparent?
• What’s the rush? Do I really need to introduce my partner now, or can it wait?
• Have I noticed any red flags or safety concerns?

Exploring whether your child is ready

Even if you’re eager to move on, your child may not be. It’s important to keep in mind how much time has passed since your split from your previous partner or your child’s other parent. It can take a year or two for children to adjust to their parents’ separation, and introducing a new partner too soon could disrupt the healing process. 

Also, if your child is still hoping for a family reconciliation, they may be unwilling to accept your new partner, or they may even try to sabotage the relationship. Children who aren’t ready to see you with someone else may also act out due to feelings of jealousy or anxiety. 

The best way to ensure your child is ready is by talking to them. Ask your child how they feel about meeting your new partner, and let their feedback be your guide. If they say yes, it’s a good indicator of readiness. Of course, age and maturity play a major role here. An older child can grasp some of what meeting a new partner means, while a toddler may have less ability to express or process their feelings. It’s also a great idea to let your co-parent know that you’ll be making an introduction — that way, no one’s caught off guard. 

Planning a successful first meeting

Here are a few tips for making the introduction as comfortable and non-pressurized as possible. Make sure your new partner is aware of the recommendations and boundaries in place:

• Pick a neutral place that your child likes. It could be a park, an ice cream shop, or a casual restaurant. It could also involve some type of activity that your child enjoys. 
• Keep it brief and low-key. This is not the time for a long outing. Try to keep the first meeting short and informal. From there, you can gradually build up to spending more time together.
• Avoid physical displays of affection. Touching or kissing your partner could be off-putting at first. Instead, sit next to your child and provide lots of attention to prevent any sense of rivalry. Do not force your child to be affectionate with your new partner, allow them safe boundaries for touch.
• See if your child has questions before or after. Address any concerns, accept that there will be complicated feelings, and offer reassurance that having a new partner won’t take away from the love you have for them. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Read more

• How to tackle complicated in-law relationships
• Dealing with resentment in your relationship

Here’s what to know about ADHD in children, including the most common signs and symptoms.

What is ADHD?

ADHD is short for attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. The condition affects millions of children, can be diagnosed at any age, and often continues into adulthood. It’s mainly characterized by difficulty focusing and holding attention, an inability to sit still, and impulsive behaviors.

ADD vs. ADHD

ADD (short for attention deficit disorder) was once used to describe people with attention difficulties who don’t struggle with hyperactivity (an inability to sit still). However, the term is outdated. Today, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) only recognizes ADHD as an official mental health condition.

Signs your child has ADHD

Kids, preteens, and teens with ADHD show various signs of inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness. A diagnosis of ADHD requires multiple symptoms (depending on age) over a period of time for a diagnosis. 

A child with ADHD might:

• Be constantly in motion
• Fidget, squirm, or get out of their seat when asked to sit still
• Be easily distracted
• Be unable to finish tasks, fail to do chores/homework
• Have trouble listening, be forgetful
• Struggle to play quietly
• Talk excessively, interrupt often, or intrude socially

Keep in mind the symptoms can vary from person to person. Also, some of these traits are relatively normal for kids, as their brains are still developing. A diagnosis would take different factors into account, like their age and how chronic the issues are.

How to know if your child’s behavior is normal

Again, it’s normal for children, tweens, and even teens to be inattentive and impulsive — at least sometimes. If your child is showing some signs of ADHD once in a while, it’s not necessarily a cause for concern.

If your child is struggling in many different environments, that can also be a clue that something global needs to be addressed. For example, tired and overstimulated children may be challenging at home after school, but if their teachers report great behavior while at school, that’s reassuring. 

In some cases, a lack of attention has more to do with a lack of interest in an activity than a general inability to focus. As for the hyperactivity aspect, well…kids are often hyper and energetic. So you can’t assume every high-energy child has ADHD — that’s why working with a provider is so crucial. 

How is ADHD diagnosed?

Like many mental health conditions, there’s no blood test or brain scan that confirms whether a person has ADHD. Instead, a healthcare provider will ask questions about your child’s behaviors, activity levels, school performance, and overall health. Often you’ll need to see a specialized provider or work in a team with a provider and a school counselor/specialist.

You’ll likely be asked to fill out a checklist or questionnaire about things you’ve noticed and how long they’ve been going on. A provider will carefully consider all factors before diagnosing your child with ADHD — or potentially a learning disorder or another mental health condition if they think something else might be going on.

What to do if you think your child might have ADHD

Knowing the signs of ADHD is important, but you won’t know for sure if your child has the condition until you get a diagnosis. The best thing to do is make an appointment with your child’s provider or their school counselor to get the process started.

If your child is diagnosed with ADHD, there are many treatment paths available — including taking medications and starting therapy — finding the right one may take time. 

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

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• Let’s talk money
• Screens and safety monitoring

Sources

• Mayo Clinic Staff. “Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children.” Mayo Clinic. 2019. Web. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adhd/symptoms-causes/syc-20350889
• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). “Symptoms and Diagnosis of ADHD.” 2022. Web. https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/diagnosis.html
• Nemours Children’s Health. “ADHD.” 2022. Web. https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/adhd.html
• American Psychiatric Association (APA). “Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).” Web. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/adhd

1. Use clear, direct language

You might feel drawn to tell your little one that someone “passed away” or that you “lost them.” But it helps kids understand and cope with death better if you use concrete words. You might gently say, “I have some sad news to share. Grandpa died last night.”

And because kids pick up on emotions and conversation more than we realize sometimes, it’s best to not delay in sharing the news. Being honest and forthright allows your child to trust you and better cope with what’s happening.

2. Go slow and answer questions

Take time to help your child process the news at their own pace. They might ask questions, be angry, cry, or not show much of a reaction at all. Be there to comfort them with words and physical closeness. Depending on their age, you might even have to repeat the news to help them process it. 

As kids grasp the idea that death happens to everyone, they might fear that you or someone else might die too. Offer them reassurance and comfort while remaining honest. 

3. Prepare them for events and changes

You might choose to have your child attend visitation services or the funeral (or you might have them skip it). No matter how you plan to grieve with them, explain what they will see and experience. You might explain, “We’ll go to the funeral home where there will be people sharing stories about grandma. Grandma will be in her casket and we will sing and talk about her life. You can hold my hand the whole time.”

If there will be a change in their routine, such as if grandpa picked them up from school, explain who will be handling that from now on so they know what to expect.

4. Embrace emotions and put words to feelings

Grieving in front of your child shows them that it’s healthy to show emotions and mourn the loss of someone. Try to put your feelings and their feelings into words, such as, “I know you’re feeling sad, and I am too. Aunt Julie was a special person and we loved her so much.” 

Rather than pushing feelings aside, allow yourself and your child to express emotions. When we allow for feelings and validate them, both all better process life’s challenges.

5. Be sure they know it’s not their fault

Children of all ages, especially those between ages four and seven, tend to see themselves at the center of the world. Your child might worry that they did something to cause the death, such as thinking poorly of an uncle right before he died. If you sense that they may feel responsible, be clear by saying something such as, “Uncle Frank had an illness that made his body stop working. There was nothing anyone could do and it’s no one’s fault.”

6. Give your child a role

Include your child in the mourning process by inviting them to pick a song for the service, read a poem, or look through photos of your loved one. Offer them the choice to take part or not, and help them to remember your loved one by sharing memories and stories together.

7. Seek extra support

Grieving takes time — and sometimes, extra resources. Depending on how close your child was to the person who died and their age, you might enlist the help of a support group, counselor, pediatrician, or child therapist. If you notice signs such as loss of appetite, sleep problems, or angry outbursts, consider taking this step sooner than later. Helping your child cope with the death ensures they can process it in a healthy way.

Sources

• Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. The Whole-Brain Child. Random House, Inc. 2011. Print.
• D’Arcy Lyness, PhD. “When a Loved One Dies: How to Help Your Child.” KidsHealth. Nemours. September 2021. https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/death.html.
• Deborah Serani Psy.D. “The Do’s and Don’ts of Talking With a Child About Death.” Psychology Today. December 4, 2016. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-depression/201612/the-dos-and-donts-talking-child-about-death.
• “How to talk to your children about the death of a loved one.” Unicef Parenting. Unicef.  https://www.unicef.org/parenting/child-care/how-talk-your-children-about-death-loved-one.
• Lisa Milbrand. “A Step-By-Step Guide to Talking to Kids About Death and Grief.” Parents. Dotdash Meredith. May 25, 2022. https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/social/talking-to-kids-about-death/. 
• “How To Tell Children That Someone Has Died.” KidsHealth. The Paediatric Society of New Zealand and Starship Foundation. July 23, 2021. https://www.kidshealth.org.nz/how-tell-children-someone-has-died.

1. Share the news with a positive twist

Your own attitude about the move rubs off on your child. While moving can be stressful for everyone, and you’re likely feeling some of that stress yourself, share the things you’re looking forward to and the parts you think they’ll be excited about, too.

Be clear about why you’re moving, such as a new job or more land to play on, but put a positive spin on the move to help frame how your child thinks about the change. Focus on aspects that your child will be excited about, such as a bedroom with a big window or a fun new way to get to school.

2. Explain what’s changing and what’s not

When kids feel in the know, they feel more secure and at peace. Kids also pick up on a lot from their parents, so it’s often best to be upfront and honest.

Share what’s staying the same: the whole family is going, your princess bed is coming, we’re keeping the trampoline. And explain what’s changing: a new teacher at a different school and a new street name.

3. Embrace their feelings

While being optimistic can help your child adjust to the idea of a move, make space for their feelings of sadness, anger, or confusion.

Show empathy through statements such as, “It’s OK to be sad. I’m here for you and we’ll work through this together.” and “This must be tough to change neighborhoods. I’ll miss some of my friends too.” 

When kids feel heard and understood, they’re better equipped to process change. They also feel more comfortable and safe to come to you in the future with their emotions or struggles.

4. Show them the home

Visuals can help your child envision what life will look like. Make a plan to go see the new home or walk the neighborhood. If your new place is far away, show them a video tour, photos, or even an online map of the new location.

You can also explore photos of the town, school, local parks, or whatever makes your child feel more confident about the move. If possible, arrange for a Zoom call with your kid’s new teacher.

5. Explain the timeline

Let your child know when you’ll be packing up, moving, and settling into the new home. Share other details, such as when they’ll start in their new school or come back to visit their old friends. 

6. Spend time with them

When kids get extra time with you, it can help them feel more secure and better able to cope with the upcoming change. While moving is usually a busy time, try to still make time for family meals, adventures, and reading books.

When you’re with your child, be on the lookout for any feelings they may be processing. Be there to listen and care for them during this transition time. You can also ask them how you can help, whether it’s arranging a playdate with a favorite friend or packing up their treasured stuffies.

7. Get extra support

Some stress, sadness, anger, and anxiety are typical responses to life changes. But if your child shows more serious signs such as depression, trouble sleeping, or withdrawal from things they normally love, consider seeing a child therapist, pediatrician, or school counselor. A professional can help your child cope in a healthy, resilient way. 

Sources

• Cheryl Lock. “How to Help Kids Cope With Moving.” The New York Times. July 13, 2020. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/07/13/parenting/moving-tips-kids.html.
• Jennifer King Lindley. “An Age-by-Age Guide to Moving With Kids.” Parents. April 9, 2021. https://www.parents.com/parenting/money/buy-a-house/make-moving-easier-on-you-and-your-kids/.  
• Ryan and Rachel Ehmke, Jamie Howard Ph.D. “Advice for Moving With Children.” September 14, 2021. https://childmind.org/article/advice-for-moving-with-children/.
• Sarah Rasmi, Ph.D. “Talking to Your Kids About Moving Away.” Psychology Today. April 9, 2019. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/bridging-the-gulf/201904/talking-your-kids-about-moving-away.

1. Get on the same page

No matter the tension between you and your spouse, it’s important to be a united front with your children. Agree on an explanation for the divorce before talking with your kids. Keep your reasons honest, simple, and age-appropriate. Be truthful, but spare your children from negative details. If you’re struggling to find common ground with your spouse in how you talk about this decision, simpler is better.

You might say something like, “Your mom and I haven’t been getting along for a while. We’ve decided to get a divorce, but we will both continue to love you and be your parents.” In some cases, children can blame themselves for the separation, so it’s important to be clear that the divorce is not their fault. Younger children may not understand what divorce means — explain it in terms that will make sense to them.

Pick a day that you’re both available to talk with the kids. Choose a time when the family won’t be rushed or exhausted, such as a Saturday morning.

2. Share the news gently

Your child’s world and perspective is closely tied to your current family structure. As you talk through the divorce, maintain a soft heart about where your child is at emotionally. The news might come as a shock to them. Take the conversation slowly and be ready to support your children’s feelings, whatever they may be. If things are getting emotional, plan a time to revisit the conversation.

3. Reassure them of your love

Remind your children that although you and your spouse don’t always get along, you never stop loving each other or them. Share ways that you and your spouse will continue to show your love, whether it’s snuggling up for bedtime stories or taking them to the zoo. When kids know that your love for them won’t change, they feel more safety and reassurance. 

4. Discuss key changes, but limit the details

Describe the main changes to your little one’s daily and weekly life. Explain where each parent will live and when the children will see each parent. When children know what to expect, they feel more secure, especially during times of change.

There is no need to go over every detail right now, especially for younger children. Highlight the main points and answer any follow-up questions they have. If you don’t know an answer yet, explain that you’ll keep them up-to-date as decisions are made. 

5. Avoid negative talk about your partner

Some (or a lot of) tension between spouses is typical during a divorce. But that doesn’t mean your children need to be in the middle of it. Avoid fighting or saying negative things about your partner in front of your kids. Conflict can cause stress and make kids feel like they have to “pick sides” or put down the other parent, which they don’t want to do.

6. Allow your kids to be kids

When children have to take on adult responsibilities and worries, it can hinder their personal and emotional development. Be the one to offer your children emotional support, and don’t expect it the other way around. 

Avoid statements that put pressure or responsibility on your kids, such as, “You’ll need to take care of the house now.” or “It’s up to you to make sure your brother is OK.” Instead, let your kids know you’re always there for them, no matter what.

7. Show empathy

When kids have a safe place to talk through their emotions, they’re better able to cope with stress and life changes. No matter what they’re experiencing — anger, sadness, or confusion — be sure to validate their feelings. 

You can offer empathy through statements like, “It’s OK to be angry. I’m here for you even when you feel frustrated or hurt.” and “This change must be really difficult. It’s hard for me too.”

By being there for your child, they’ll feel a sense of trust and safety. They’ll know they can keep coming to you for support, especially when they’re struggling.

7. Meet your child where they’re at

Children can experience a range of emotions when they hear about their parent’s divorce. Emotions will likely ebb and flow in the coming weeks. Try to take your child’s lead, listen and observe their emotions, and be there to support them each step of the way.

8. Call in the experts

If you notice more serious issues such as sleep problems, trouble at school, or social withdrawal, your child might need extra help. Consider engaging a child therapist, pediatrician, or school counselor to be a resource for your child during this time. 

By helping your child process the divorce in a healthy way, you’re giving them lifelong resiliency and relationship skills. 

Sources

• Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. The Whole-Brain Child. Random House, Inc. 2011. Print. https://www.wikihow.com/Tell-Your-Child-You-Are-Separating.
• Dona Matthews Ph.D.”How to Tell Your Child You Are Splitting Up.” Psychology Today. May 18, 2019. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/going-beyond-intelligence/201905/how-tell-your-child-you-are-splitting.
• Gina Kemp, M.A., Melinda Smith, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. “Children and Divorce.” HelpGuide. November 2020. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/children-and-divorce.htm. 
• “Traps Divorced or Separating Parents Should Avoid.” Healthy Children. American Association of Pediatrics. September 11, 2014. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/Traps-Divorced-or-Separating-Parents-Should-Avoid.aspx.

As you talk with your children, think about how you can be sensitive to their age, their stage of development, and unique emotional needs.

1. Set up for a quality conversation

Be sure you’re emotionally ready to talk with your children, and ensure the timing is right too. If you, your partner, or the kids are tired or stressed, wait until everyone is better rested and calm. Ensure you’re not rushed and that the conversation isn’t too close to bedtime, especially for younger kids. Have the meeting in a comfortable place, such as your family’s living room or dining room. 

2. Be honest, but limit the details

Sticking to the truth builds trust and maintains a sense of safety with your child during the transition. But keep your explanations simple and age-appropriate. Too much detail can burden your little one’s heart and make them worry more than they need to. You might say something as simple as, “Your dad and I haven’t been getting along very well and feel it’s best to take a break for a while.” or “We’ve been having a hard time staying calm and loving toward each other, so we’re taking time apart until we can do that again.”

3. Reassure them and express your love

Children can sometimes jump to conclusions and assume they play a role in the separation. Make sure your child knows that they’re not the reason for your separation and that the change is outside of their control. Tell them how much you love them and how you will continue to love them every day, no matter what. When kids feel unconditional love, they feel safe and free to share their emotions — even in challenging situations.

4. Talk about logistical changes

Where will each parent live? Who will take the kids to school? Be sure you go over the main changes to your child’s daily or weekly routines. When children understand what is (and is not) changing for them, they feel more secure and confident. If they ask questions, do your best to answer honestly, but it’s okay if there are some questions you can’t answer just yet. The important thing is that they know that when you have answers you will share them.

5. Avoid negative talk about your partner

While there might be tension between you and your partner, it’s important to shield your child from the turmoil as much as possible. Conflict can cause stress, and negative words about your partner can build resentment in children and make them feel like they have to “pick sides.”

6. Care for their emotions

Understanding and talking through your child’s feelings is critical to helping them processing any life change. 

You may sense that your child feels sad, angry, or confused. Show empathy through simple statements such as, “I know this must be hard.” and “It’s OK to be sad. I am here for you in that sadness.” By being there for them emotionally now, you’re showing them that they matter and that they can trust you with their feelings.

7. Give them time

Some kids might process the change quickly and be able to share their emotions right away. Others might need space and feel sad later in the week, or have questions in the morning. Take your child’s lead and be there to help them process the news at their own pace.

8. Seek additional support 

When parents separate, a range of feelings are typical, including anger, anxiety, and sadness. If your child seems to be struggling as time goes on or you notice sleep issues, trouble at school, frequent outbursts, or withdrawal from activities and people they love, consider getting help from a child therapist or pediatrician. These experts can help your child process the change in a healthy way, leading to your child’s long-term resiliency.

Sources

• Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. The Whole-Brain Child. Random House, Inc. 2011. Print. https://www.wikihow.com/Tell-Your-Child-You-Are-Separating.
• Dona Matthews Ph.D.”How to Tell Your Child You Are Splitting Up.” Psychology Today. May 18, 2019. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/going-beyond-intelligence/201905/how-tell-your-child-you-are-splitting.
• Gina Kemp, M.A., Melinda Smith, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. “Children and Divorce.” HelpGuide. November 2020. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/children-and-divorce.htm.  
• “Traps Divorced or Separating Parents Should Avoid.” Healthy Children. American Association of Pediatrics. September 11, 2014. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/Traps-Divorced-or-Separating-Parents-Should-Avoid.aspx.