Understanding gender and orientation

The first step to being a good teacher to your child when it comes to explaining gender and orientation is making sure you are a star student. That means reading up on the latest terminology and trends, challenges and celebrations of people in the full range of diversity. Visiting LGBTQ+ organizations’ websites is a great way to start, as is joining some LGBTQ+ or ally parenting groups on social media and reading the conversation threads. Taking time to digest the relevant news and background is an important way to prepare to then impart that knowledge to your child.

Keep it casual

Conversations about gender or orientation with your child do not need to be serious or warrant standalone formal family meetings. Incorporate those learning moments into everyday life in real-time. This will both help contextualize the discussion and embed the topic into mundane moments – because gender and orientation are very much a normal part of our everyday lives!

For instance, if your toddler says, “You can’t do that! That’s for boys!” This is the perfect teaching moment to let them know that there is no such thing as activities, toys, clothes, behaviors that are inherently for girls or boys. You can give some examples of people you know who buck those stereotypes. Or else seek out media, TV shows, movies, books, or games that offer a different perspective. Watch or read with them and take time to discuss. 

It comes down to using plain language to describe what are really some basic concepts. Gender is who we know ourselves to be. It exists on a spectrum and can even change. Orientation is who we love, whether romantically or sexually or not, and it’s based on our gender. It’s that simple. Kids get it.

Teach affirmatively 

Rather than pointing out what your child is saying or doing incorrectly, or talking about the hardships that people face when they don’t fit into the status quo, lean into more affirmative postures when you talk about gender or orientation. 

Actively communicate with them about how there are different types of people in the world, people who represent all the colors and shades of the rainbow and everyone in between. Explain across a broad spectrum when it comes to how people act or look or dress, as well as who they love. Listen to their questions and observations and affirm them, while adding to what they say to deepen their understanding of identity, and of gender and orientation.

Give them room to explore

Kids like to explore and they like to pretend. It’s how they begin to make sense of this chaotic and confusing world, and importantly, it’s how they begin to discover who they are and understand what their place in this world might be. 

Give your child the freedom, space, and support to explore. They might want to wear a tutu one day and a construction hat the next. Or both at the same time! They might say they are a girl one day and a boy the next. They might say they want to marry a girl or a boy. There is no need to attribute any of your own biases onto their innocent reflections and feelings. Simply let them be and love them fully.  

Some of these conversations may feel uncomfortable for us, but kids are actually well-equipped, maybe even better equipped, than adults, to comprehend the world’s natural diversity and to embrace different types of people. Perhaps the most important thing we can do is let them teach us!

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“What are you having?” “Boy or a girl?” “Do you know the gender?” As soon as a parent reveals that they’re expecting — whether physically via a bump or by sharing the news — they are flooded with questions about their child’s gender. Friends and family will use their answer to determine what color onesies they should buy (blue or pink), the toys they’ll gift (trucks or Barbies), and the color dye they’ll use for the gender reveal party cake. And that’s all before the child is even born! After birth, children quickly internalize gender expectations around what girls and boys look like and wear, as well as how they should act. 

Some parents, in an attempt to avoid limiting their children’s growth and interests, are leaning into gender creative parenting. Read on to learn what gender creative parenting is, exactly, and how it can benefit kids. 

What is gender creative parenting? 

 Also known as gender neutral parenting, gender creative parenting is the broad term used for parents who are actively working to avoid imposing gender-expectations on their children. The leading thesis behind gender-neutral parenting is that a child’s genitals do not dictate what activities they do, how they act or what they wear.

Some parents practice gender creative parenting by buying a variety of clothing and toys for their kids, allowing the child to decide what they wear and what they gravitate toward. 

Other parents do their best to remove gender stereotypes from their home altogether. The parents in this latter group might name their children gender-ambiguous names like Sky or Jordan, use they/them pronouns for their child, and choose to label their child’s gender as “X” on the birth certificate, something currently allowed in six states. These parents wait for their child to tell them what gender, if any, they identify with. 

What’s the point of gender creative parenting?  

Despite what nay-sayers and gender-essentialists may believe, parents do not raise their kids gender-neutrally as a political statement. They do it to give their children the opportunity to become as expansive as possible, without the limitations of gender-bias. 

After the publication of a 2017 study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, which suggests a relationship between rigidly enforced gender stereotypes and physical and mental health risks in young adults, some parents have chosen a gender-neutral parenting route to promise the overall wellbeing and health of their child. 

How to implement gender creative parenting

As a parent, your work on gender creative parenting begins before your children are born, and continues as they grow up. 

1. Do your research. 

Gender creative parenting requires that the parents understand what gender is, as well as the ways in which gender-based biases can negatively impact the growth of all children. A good place to learn this information is with classic Gender 101 studies texts like Gender Trouble by Judith Butler and Gender: Your Guide by Lee Airton. A must-read account of gender creative parenting is Raising Them by Dr. Kyl Myers.

2. Explore your own gender and gender biases. 

If you’re interested in gender creative parenting because you’ve already explored your own gender and unpacked your internalized gender biases, skip this step! Otherwise, prior to becoming a parent, it can be helpful to question your own gender as well as consider the ways in which gender-based assumptions have impacted you. 

To do that you might: 

• Follow people from across the gender spectrum on social media. 
• Listen to podcasts on gender and sexuality like Gender Reveal, En(ba)by, Bad in Bed. 
• Read gender memoirs like Sissy by Jacob Tobia, Redefining Realness by Janet Mock, and Amateur by Thomas Page McBee.

3. Outline your parenting approach

Again, there is no single way to raise a gender creative child. Whether you’re parenting alone, with another individual, or with a community of co-parents, it’s important to agree on what raising a gender-neutral child will mean to you and your family. 

Before the child is born, you want to be able to answer questions like: 

• Do we want to find out the sex of the child before they are born? Who, if anyone, will have access to that information? 
• What are we going to name our child? Will we choose a name that is not traditionally used for one gender category? 
• What pronouns will we be using for the child? 
• Will we explain gender stereotypes and expectations to our child? How? At what age? 
• How will we push-back against the gendered messages they receive outside of the home? 
• How will we respond to other people who try to impose gender stereotypes on our child?
• How will we combat the rigid gender expectations of society? Of school? Of extracurricular activities?

If you’re unable to come to a conclusion on your own, consider hiring a therapist who specializes in working with non-traditional families or the LGBTQ+ community. 

4. Think about the language you want to use 

Often in parenting we use gendered language, especially when praising or cheering on your child. In traditional parenting, praising and punishing your child are two of the main times gendered language comes up. For example: “You’re such a strong girl!” and , or “What a smart little boy you are!”. 

Especially if you were raised in an environment that used gendered language, it’s easy to fall back into these gendered phrases, unless you have an alternative top-of-mind. Making a list with the qualities you want to help nurture in your child can be helpful. 

5. Form a community

As the saying goes, it takes a village, and that stands for parents using all kinds of parenting philosophies. So, if possible, try to find a group of other gender creative parents to be in community with, either online or in person. 

To find an in-person group, try Googling “gender-neutral parents near me” or “gender creative l playgroups near me”. Another option is to hit up MeetUp.com or to ask the leader of your local parenting groups. To find an online support group, put out a call on social media, or to introduce yourself in the comments of social platforms run by other gender creative parents like @RaisingZoomer. 

This content series was created in partnership with Family Equality, an organization advancing legal and lived equality for LGBTQ+ families and for those who wish to form them. Learn more at https://www.familyequality.org/. 

Being a good parent can take many forms. It means wiping away the tears and applying the band-aids after the slips and falls. It also means supporting your child on their journey to self-discovery. For some, this will include supporting them as they explore their gender or sexual identity or expression. 

Whether you have a child that identifies as LGBTQ+ or you want to be prepared for the possibility that they may identify as LGBTQ+ when they’re older, there are steps you can take so that they can feel free to be themselves and confident that you have their back. We know that just one accepting adult in an LGBTQ+ child’s life can reduce the likelihood of suicide by 40%, according to a study from the Trevor Project, an LGBTQ+ anti-bullying organization. 

It’s important to address this issue even if your child hasn’t said they are LGBTQ+. They may not feel safe coming out unless you first create an affirming environment and invite them in.

According to PFLAG, the first and largest organization for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) people, their parents and families, and allies, parents can create an LGBTQ+ affirming atmosphere for their, or any, kids, in a few, easy ways. 

Familiarize yourself with the issues

The road to supporting your child no matter who they are or might become starts with you. Like the airline safety instructions to secure your own mask before helping your child with theirs, you should first learn about the LGBTQ+ community to ensure you are approaching any conversations with them from a place of knowledge. Take the time to learn the correct terminology and the issues that LGBTQ+ communities face. The PFLAG glossary is a great place to start.

Start conversations and listen

Johns Hopkins Medicine recommends approaching your child with a “healthy curiosity” to foster dialogue and a two-way information flow. Kids may not always be forthcoming with information about their personal lives, and maintaining a good connection with them from the time they are little will help make them feel comfortable sharing more sensitive details when they’re older.

Parents should aim to approach their children with love as the guiding force, leaving preconceived notions at the door. PFLAG says parents should “listen with intent,” which means giving your child, “ample opportunity to open up and share their thoughts and feelings.” Pose open-ended and gentle questions that aim to help them communicate without any judgement attached.

Avoid making assumptions

Lambda Legal, an LGBTQ+ advocacy organization that does a lot of work with families and children, suggests that being a strong ally and supportive adult to your child starts by not making assumptions. Don’t assume someone identifies a certain way because of how they look or act or even things they may have said. Your child, or any child who might be LGBTQ+, should tell you who they are and how they identify. That should be your guiding light and not anything else. 

Speak up against discrimination  

You can also set a good example for your child regardless of how they identify and be a strong ally by speaking up and out if or when you witness anti-LGBTQ+ discrimination or harassment. Don’t just let someone get bullied without intervening in some way, while ensuring your own safety. Not only are you helping someone in need, you are also showing your own child that you are willing to stand up for LGBTQ+ people. Showing rather than telling is a powerful way to convey that you are inclusive and that your child can be their true self. You are also helping to raise a child who will follow in your stead and not be afraid to stand up for others who might be targets for discrimination. All of that work starts with showing up for your child as your authentic self. 

Engage with LGBTQ+ communities 

You can learn more about LGBTQ+ identities and experiences and jumpstart your allyship for your child by immersing yourself in an LGBTQ+ group or event. Attend a Pride March, whether in-person or virtual. Pop into a PFLAG meeting for parents or allies. Join a group at a local LGBTQ+ center or university to learn more from people who are living out and proud. Even if this option feels out of your comfort zone, know that you can always attend to listen and learn. 

Supporting your child, whether they identify as LGBTQ+ or may one day, doesn’t have to be difficult. In fact, creating an affirming home for your child, no matter who they are, can bring you both many moments of joy and open opportunities for closer connection.

This content series was created in partnership with Family Equality, an organization advancing legal and lived equality for LGBTQ+ families and for those who wish to form them. Learn more at https://www.familyequality.org/. 

It’s important to take a little time each day to slow down and focus on connecting with your little one. Here are some easy ways to do just that. Most all of these ideas can fit right into your normal day — and if some of them feel outside of your comfort zone, know that they’ll start to feel easier if you do them once or twice. No matter how you choose to connect, the important part is engaging with your little one in a way that’s positive, patient, and supportive. You might just find that connecting in this way is as good for you as it is for your them.

1. Engage in some open-ended play

Ask your little one, “What would you like to play?” and go from there. Be a helper and play along, but let them take the lead.

2. Ask them for help, and then actually let them contribute

Give your child some food prep they can handle — tearing up greens or stirring ingredients together. Or let them use the dustpan and brush on their own, even if they miss a few spots. Bigger kids can take on bigger tasks. Kids of all ages need practice to learn how to do household tasks and will develop confidence as they do so — they’ll be proud to see that they’re really helping.

3. Draw, color, or paint together

No matter your child’s age, it’s great to get creative together. Ask your little one questions about what they drew to start a conversation. Talk to them about what you created. Then ask where you should both hang up your artwork.

4. Read — and talk about the story as you go

Ask your child questions about the story, what they see in the pictures, and what they’re thinking. What a funny bear! Do you see any other animals in the forest? What season do you think it is? How would you feel if you were that bear? Do funny voices if you’re game. At the end, ask them about their favorite part. If your child is older, take turns reading longer books together.

5. Let them play stylist

If your child doesn’t usually choose their own outfit, ask them to choose what they’d like to wear, top to bottom. You can even ask your kiddo to help choose your outfit for the day or style your hair for some extra excitement.

6. Tell them a story about when you were little

Chances are, there will be some fun questions that follow.

7. Have them tell you a story

If your little one is old enough to do so, you’re in for a real treat. Write it down, record it for posterity, or just enjoy the moment.

8. Enjoy music together

Dance to your child’s favorite song. Or create some silly choreography. Play them your favorite album and tell them why you love it. Or play instruments together, even if your drum set is wooden spoons on pots.

9. Make a normal activity extra fun with some pretend play mixed in

A great example of this is playing barber shop or beauty salon, both of which fall into the “two birds, one stone” camp of activities. If your little one hasn’t wanted to sit still to have their nails trimmed or their hair brushed or styled, throw in some pretend play, and it can suddenly be exciting. Even if pretend play is new to you or you occasionally drop out of character, your child will likely be delighted to have you play along. You can even paint your little one’s nails or do an extra special hairstyle if you’re feeling ambitious.

10. Share gratitude

It can be hard for a very young child to answer the question “What are you grateful for?” but that doesn’t mean you can’t explore this idea with them. At dinner or bedtime, ask your little one what their favorite part of the day was, what was something fun that they did, or what made them laugh — often it will be something they did with you — and then you can share too.

11. Maybe go all out, once in a while

Even though this sort of play doesn’t necessarily fall into the “easy” category for everyone, it can be a fun, exciting way to connect every once in a while. Turn your couch into a ship and pretend to be pirates. Help your teen make some very elaborately decorated cupcakes. Pull out recycling materials to help your toddler construct a cardboard box rocket ship. The next time your little one wants to use an oversized box to make a princess castle, this sort of play might come a little easier. But remember that it’s less important what you play and more important how you spend time together — lead with love and you can’t go wrong.

Read more:

• 6 easy, meaningful ways to celebrate your mom if you’re apart
• 9 self-care essentials for today, and every day

1. Move your bodies

For both mental and physical health, almost nothing beats moving our bodies. Exercise is a powerful tool: it improves mood, decreases tension, and helps you sleep better. (Just don’t do especially active exercise right before bedtime or nap time, since it can take a little while to wind down.)

Everyone’s abilities and access to the right kind of space will look a little different. Ride bikes together, hike a trail while wearing your baby in a carrier, or have a living room dance party. Maybe you do some physical therapy beside your kiddos while they try some YouTube yoga, or your whole family works in some gentle stretches before bedtime. Whatever feels right for your family.

2. Find a mellow or focused activity you can do together

Build block towers, start a challenging puzzle, paint (or color, or do whatever else is crafty and calm based on your kiddo’s age), turn the lights low and make shadow puppets, read together, take turns making up stories, take a nature walk or a neighborhood stroll and do a visual scavenger hunt, talk about your favorite part of the day — whatever feels like the right pace for you and your little one.

3. Meditate and breathe together

Find some quiet time for a different sort of focus. There are a lot of free meditation apps and guided meditations online — plenty that are kid-friendly and fairly short — if you want to try meditating as a family. You can also teach your little one to breathe deeply, a calming strategy that they can then use later on their own when they’re feeling upset, frustrated, or mad. Here are three easy exercises to do together that teach kids how to find calm through breathing:

• Lay on your backs with a favorite stuffed animal on each of your tummies (they’ll have to let you borrow one!), then breathe deeply, watching the stuffed animals rise and fall as you breathe.
• Stand or sit upright with each of your hands placed on your heads, and then imagine you’re blowing up like a balloon as you inhale, sending your hands up overhead, and deflating as you exhale, with your hands returning to your heads.
• Hold a hand out in front of each of your faces and pretend that your fingers are birthday candles. With five deep, long breaths, blow them out one by one.

4. Take them along to learn about something you love

Although we often let our children’s interests be the focus of planned activities, try sharing something you really love. This can range from a simple trip to a bakery to more elaborate outings to museums or skiing. Challenge yourself to make your own interests a priority, and share your love for (insert here). It may lift your mood, which in turn lifts the mood of the whole group. 

5. Weekly theme nights

Once they’re able to pitch in, have a rotating game or movie theme night. From week to week, each family member gets to pick the menu and the game or movie. Being the host of the evening gives kids some much-needed autonomy and can be a great way to share interests!

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

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• 6 easy, meaningful ways to celebrate your mom if you’re apart
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After birth, it’s very common to feel weepy, anxious, and/or easily frustrated. When these feelings are mild, they are most likely what we call the “baby blues” and dissipate after a couple weeks. This is an emotional time and if it’s causing you to feel a little overwhelmed by or detached from your baby, know that this feeling won’t necessarily have any bearing on the closeness you will feel over time. For many new parents, it takes time for feelings of attachment and deep connection to form.

While experiencing complicated, ranging emotions in the days and weeks following birth is expected, prolonged or severe feelings of sadness, extreme worry, or hopelessness are not and could be signs of postpartum depression. If you think you might be experiencing postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD, or PTSD, you should seek out professional support. It is also possible for your partner to develop postpartum depression.

Why am I not bonding with my baby?

Like pregnancy and delivery, bonding looks different for every family. There’s no standard schedule for bonding, and for many families it takes time. Some parents form an immediate attachment to a newborn; others develop a building sense of attachment over time. Here are a few reasons why you may feel more attached to your newborn over time:

• You had a difficult pregnancy and/or delivery. If your birth did not go as planned, if you experienced pregnancy complications, or if you felt unsupported by your provider, it may take time to recuperate and feel like yourself again.
• You had a traumatic birth experience: If your birth experience was physically and/or emotionally traumatic, the time you may need to recover and begin bonding with baby could be longer than you had anticipated. Taking time to heal and care for yourself is essential.
• You were exhausted: After giving birth, you might have felt so relieved and exhausted that you didn’t have room to feel much else.
• You have complicated feelings about becoming a parent. Becoming a parent can be overwhelming even when your birth experience is a positive one. It is normal to experience some doubt, worry, or fear as you take on this new role. If these feelings are severe and/or prolonged, you should seek out help from your provider. Being a new parent will bring out new sides of you, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of not feeling like yourself.
• You did not physically carry your baby through pregnancy, or feed your baby afterward. Feelings of attachment are sometimes more elusive for fathers or non-birthing parents.
• You’re finding caring for your baby difficult. Your sleep schedule has likely been affected, and if your baby is collicky or very fussy, it can be particularly challenging to adjust. Taking care of a newborn is not easy. If you’re struggling, reach out to your support system for help and if you’re concerned your baby is collicky or unwell, consult a pediatrician for resources.
• You’re dealing with the baby blues, postpartum anxiety, or other perinatal mood disorders. Between 50-75% of new moms experience some symptoms of the baby blues and 15% experience PPD. If you are experiencing symptoms of PPD, reach out to your healthcare provider or call the hotline at Postpartum Support International for resources. You can also visit the PSI Directory for help finding a provider who specializes in perinatal mood disorders like depression, anxiety, OCD and bipolar disorder. More resources here.

Not developing an immediate bond with your newborn does not make you any less of a parent. As time passes and you spend more time getting to know your little one, and finding a routine, a stronger sense of attachment can form. If you would like to be proactive about bonding, here are a few things you can try:

Skin-to-skin contact. Many hospitals and birthing centers initiate skin-to-skin contact immediately following birth by placing your baby’s tummy on your chest. You can continue to do this at home. Beyond supporting bonding, skin-to-skin contact has many physiologic benefits, including soothing and lowering baby’s stress levels and helping to regulate their temperature, heart rate, breathing and blood sugar. If you have a partner, they can practice skin-to-skin contact as well. And, if you’re breastfeeding, skin-to-skin contact can boost your milk supply by increasing your prolactin levels as well as help you learn baby’s feeding cues.

Utilize feeding times. Use the moments when you’re breastfeeding and/or bottle feeding to spend special, intimate time together. Holding your baby close, looking into their eyes, and/or holding their hand while you feed are all great ways to establish trust and attachment.

Play with and talk to your baby. Babies love to be talked to and entertained. Give them your attention while allowing them to study your face to build their trust in you and strengthen your attachment to them.

There are a number of reasons why attachment may not be immediate. Give yourself time to bond and take your relationship with your baby one step at a time. When it comes to parenthood, it’s definitely a marathon, not a sprint.

Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team

Sources

• “Postpartum Depression: FAQs.” American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). ACOG. November 2019. https://www.acog.org/womens-health/faqs/postpartum-depression.
• “Postpartum Depression.” Cleveland Clinic. Cleveland Clinic. January 1, 2018.  https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9312-postpartum-depression.
• “Skin-to-Skin Contact for You & Baby.” Cleveland Clinic. Cleveland Clinic. January 1, 2018. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/15276-skin-to-skin-contact-for-you–baby.
• Crenshaw, Jeannette T. “Healthy Birth Practice #6: Keep Mother and Baby Together- It’s Best for Mother, Baby, and Breastfeeding.” The Journal of perinatal education vol. 23,4 (2014): 211-7. doi:10.1891/1058-1243.23.4.211.
• “Skin-to-Skin Contact.” Baby Friendly Initiative. UNICEF. October 23, 2019. www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/baby-friendly-resources/implementing-standards-resources/skin-to-skin-contact/.

Why toddlers cling

Toddlers cling to parents or other caregivers when they’re seeking reassurance, but that’s not a sign of a problem with the attachment between parent or caregiver and child. In fact, children with less secure attachments can feel less willing to reach out to parents or caregivers when they’re scared or upset. Insecurity and nervousness are part of life – when toddlers cling in response to those feelings, they’re showing they trust their parents or caregivers to make them feel better.

Still, clinginess isn’t always easy to live with. There’s no real way to cut clinginess off, but there are a few strategies for dealing with it that can be reassuring to toddlers’ insecurities.

• Accept the cling: Encouraging toddlers to let go, play independently, or play with someone else, often just prompts them to cling harder. Accepting that your toddler is just going to be sticking close for a while, and not making that big of a deal out of it, can help to keep their clinginess from turning into a power struggle.
• Preemptive strike: Baby wants your attention and your time, so give them what they wants – before they thinks to ask for it. If Baby is in a clingy stage, try showering them with attention and affection from the moment they wakes up in the morning. Who knows? They might be the one who needs a little space before too long.
• Look for patterns: There may be a certain time of day when Baby feels clingiest or fussiest, and it can make life much easier to plan around these times for a little while. The clingy stage will pass on its own eventually, and it’s not spoiling Baby to take their moods and feelings into account as you figure out the shape of your family’s day.
• Find the work-around: Often, one of the big problems with toddler clinginess is just the practical issue that it’s hard to get things done with a toddler attached to your leg. There are a few different ways to handle this, from breaking out a sling or larger baby carrier (if you’re feeling especially brawny) to setting them up in a playpen nearby, and talking to them through the whole process, so that they is constantly reassured that you’re nearby. In the case of many around-the-house chores, getting Baby involved can be a great way to handle getting them done while letting them cling. Accepting that they’s clinging doesn’t mean letting the world revolve around them. The dishes still have to get done, but maybe you can find a stool for them to stand on next to you by the sink, and a cloth they can use to dry the silverware. They might end up dropping most of it, but it’ll get them used to participating in the things that need to get done around the house.
• Practice your goodbyes: Goodbyes, whether you’re leaving Baby at daycare for the day, or just in the living room while you take a quick shower, can be especially hard if Baby is feeling clingy. It can be tempting to either drag out goodbyes (it’s so hard to leave ripping-off-a-bandage-fast when Baby is turning those tragic eyes on you) or sneak out while they’s distracted, but both of these can make toddlers feel more insecure. Consistency in leaving is reassuring, even if Baby isn’t in the mood to thank you for it. Tell them that you’re leaving, and how long you’ll be gone, and then do what you said. Giving them a specific timeframe (like “I’ll be back by the time you wake up from your nap.”) helps to build trust and make Baby feel more secure about your comings and goings.
• Act as a bridge: If Baby wants to stick close to you during social situations, that’s fine – it gives you the opportunity to act as a bridge between them and other people. If you’re hanging out with other toddlers, then, by extension Baby is, too. If you’re having a nice conversation with another adult, Baby is getting used to that adult’s presence, and maybe starting to relax around them. If you’re playing in the sandbox with Baby and other kids, you’re there to help them navigate sticky situations like sharing and playing together versus playing near each other.

It can be worrying to parents when normally outgoing toddlers start sticking closer to them, but generally, clinginess is a normal phase that passes on its own with parents’ support and encouragement.

Sources

• Meghan Leahy. “Mom of clingy toddler asks: Is it okay to take a break?” The Washington Post. The Washington Post, August 24 2016. Web.
• Laura Markham. “Is Responsive Parenting Causing Clinginess in 13 month old?” Aha! Parenting. Dr. Laura Markham. Web.
• Laura Markham. “Playing with Your Child: Games for Connection and Emotional Intelligence.” Aha! Parenting. Dr. Laura Markham. Web.
• Melinda Wenner Moyer. “‘Caaaarrrryyyyy Meeeeeeeee!’ How to handle a clingy kid.” Slate. The Slate Group, January 10 2014. Web.

Terrible monsters lurking in the dark. Echoing thunder spelling their doom. The swirling abyss of a flushed toilet. Toddlers have some fears that might seem silly to adults, but they make a lot of sense from their perspective.

The best way to approach a fear that seems irrational is to place yourself in the mindset of a toddler. Ask lots of questions, and try not to belittle what is a very real emotion. There are a number of common fears that have practical explanations.

Fear or phobia?

When talking about fears, you’ll want to start to figure out whether Baby is just feeling afraid of something, or whether they has developed a phobia.

In simple terms, a phobia is something that you’re afraid of even when it isn’t around. If Baby sees a dog and gets scared, that’s a fear. If Baby acts the same way if you talk about dogs, mention a dog being somewhere you’re going, or when they sees a picture of a dog, that’s a phobia.

Fears can often be overcome with a little coaxing and reassurance. If Baby is willing, you can help them face their fear little by little, and they will probably be able to overcome it before too long. On the other hand, trying to get a toddler to face a phobia head-on can, in some cases, make it worse. Phobias can last a long time, sometimes into adulthood, and should be approached with care and understanding.

Common fears to be aware of

• Monsters in the dark: It’s sometimes said that fear of the dark is fear of the unknown. Baby has a powerful imagination, and their mind will use it to explain every moving shadow or strange sound. If this is where Baby’s fear lies, you can work with them to try to redirect some of that imaginative energy somewhere a little more hopeful. Can they imagine positive things instead?
• Being alone or separated from you: This fear typically happens at night as well, and shouldn’t be confused with the tears that can come from leaving Baby with a sitter. Usually, a toddler experiences fear of separation when they still needs reassurance that someone will come if they calls. You can work with them on getting past this fear by reminding them – either in words or by leaving the door to their room open to let the light and sound of you going on with your night make its way back to them, that you’ll still be near them all night, even if you’re out of sight.
• Bugs: Many fears come from copying how you act. If you show fear or disgust around bugs Baby likely will too. Also, some bugs are terrifying and gross all on their own, so there’s that…
• Strangers or relatives: Relatives who Baby hasn’t spent that much time with can expect an amount of intimacy from them that they may not be ready for. Their suspicion is a natural part of their development, and isn’t there to hurt anybody’s feelings, but relatives who try to force a connection that isn’t there yet can occasionally end up scaring timid babies and toddlers for real. Generally, letting relationships develop on your toddler’s time, with you nearby to provide reassurance, can help get Baby past this phase fairly quickly.
• Masks, costumes, clowns: At Baby’s age, it can still be difficult to tell what’s real and not. Like monsters under the bed, even if Baby knows something isn’t real, their imagination might get away from them. Your comfort around these “creatures” can help. In some cases, showing them the “trick” of seeing who’s under the costume can be helpful, too.
• Toilets: Stuff goes in and it doesn’t come out! A fear of toilets may come from a fear of falling in, or disgust at what goes into a toilet. For potty training toddlers, a “fear” of the toilet could also be an expression of anxiety over the pressure that comes from trying to use it right.
• Doctors: You go to the doctor when you’re sick or in pain, and you get poked with needles and forced to take gross medicine. Your toddler may have already started to associate these uncomfortable sensations with their doctor. You can help combat this association by focusing on the positive feelings that come from eventually feeling better after going to the doctor, and Baby’s doctor’s positive bedside manner.
• Loud noises: A loud noise can be startling. It also feels like you’re being surrounded by the sound, and there’s nothing you can to do turn it off. Whether it’s a vacuum or thunder outside, loud sounds can make toddlers feel powerless and vulnerable. This is a great opportunity to teach about bravery and self-soothing by coaching and modeling behavior.

Fears come and go during all parts of people’s lives, but in the toddler years, they can feel especially strong and hard for adults to understand. Part of this is related to the fact that toddlers are still adjusting to the feeling of their own strong emotions, and another part is related to the fact that toddlers are still forming their understanding of the world, which can lead them to jump to conclusions they’re afraid of, that aren’t always based in reality. As your toddler grows, their fears will come and go and evolve with them, and the things they fears today may seem totally harmless to them tomorrow.

Sources

• Cathy Frank. “What is the Difference Between Anxiety and a Phobia?” ABC News. American Broadcasting Company, April 15 2008. abcnews.go.com/Health/AnxietyOverview/story?id=4659885. Retrieved on May 12 2017.
• D’Arcy Lyness. “Anxiety, Fears, and Phobias.” KidsHealth. The Nemours Foundation, July 2013. kidshealth.org/en/parents/anxiety.html#. Retrieved on May 12 2017.
• “Understanding Childhood Fears and Anxieties.” HealthyChildren. American Academy of Pediatrics, June 1 2007. www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/emotional-problems/Pages/Understanding-Childhood-Fears-and-Anxieties.aspx. Retrieved on May 12 2017.

Plenty of times, parents are okay with not attending parties if they can’t get someone to babysit for a couple of hours – but there are a handful of invites you just can’t say no to, right? After all, you do need a breather from time to time. And sometimes, the only thing to do is to bring your little one to the party.

Bringing a toddler to an adult-only party, however, can pose a couple of problems for the child, the host, and for you. But you can help set yourself up with a win-win situation for all three by following a few guidelines.

Always ask permission

Surprising the host by bringing a toddler to the party is never a good thing. This is true even if the host is your closest friend, family member, or someone who has always been extra kind to you. The second part of the rule about asking beforehand is to be prepared for the answer to be “no.”

Getting a refusal might not have anything to do with how the host thinks your child will behave, or how they feel about them. Instead, it might be because they’re afraid of making the rest of the party guests who are going to attend the party without their kids uncomfortable, or changing the atmosphere of the gathering.

Pack a toddler kit

If Baby has the go-ahead to be your plus-one, they’s going to need supplies for their evening in the unknown territory of an adult party. This might include Baby’s favorite toys, a couple of pieces of clothing (like a warm sweater, a clean top in case of spills, or play clothes if they is starting out the night dressed to impress), extra pull-ups, snacks, or anything that your child might need.

Of course, food is especially important to think about ahead of time if your little one has food allergies or sensitivities, but it’s pretty important even if they’s just a little bit picky. Toddlers in unfamiliar environments can be more ready than ever to be not entirely happy, and having a familiar favorite snack on-hand may help you swerve around the possibility of a hunger-pang meltdown.

Brush up on manners

Even if the Baby is easygoing, doesn’t like to cause trouble, or has always gotten along well at adult gatherings in the past, it is always good to refresh their memory about good manners when attending an adult party – whether that means using an inside voice, not jumping on the furniture, or any other house rules your friend might have.

When talking about manners, consistency and giving specific examples can be helpful. You can help Baby prepare for the big event by offering them chances to practice their good manners by role-playing.

Set a limit

This goes for both you and Baby – you want to be able to go to this party, but it’s important to know your own limits ahead of time. If your little one starts to get really cranky, or isn’t able to get fall asleep on your friend’s guest bed, it’s important to be prepared to head out earlier than you might have been planning on. If the number of people at the party is overwhelming them, that might be your cue, too. If you’re spending the entire night chasing after Baby instead of getting the chance to catch up with your friends at all, you might decide that that’s your limit, and head out, even if Baby seems perfectly happy.

Watch the clock

Time does fly when you’re having fun. Before you know it, it’s already three hours past your toddler’s bedtime. Some parents find it can be helpful to set an alarm to let them know when it’s time to head home. Having some flexibility is fine, and if your host offers Baby a place to get some rest, and they can manage to drop off in an unfamiliar space, you may be able to stay a while later than Baby’s bedtime – you know their sleep habits and needs best, so you’re the best person to decide whether that’s a good solution for your family. In general, though, no matter how much fun a party is, if it goes too late for Baby, they may make you regret it in the morning.

It’s definitely possible to attend an adult party with little kids – the key is to be just as mindful of Baby’s needs as the host’s.

Is Baby fascinated by cars, trucks, and all things that go? They’s a little young to fully grasp the rules of the road, but it’s never too early to begin talking to them about street safety. Early knowledge can help raise awareness and reduce the risk of an accident. Here are some ways to start the conversation about staying safe near the street.

• Start with the basics: When you’re out for a walk, or running errands, remind Baby that cars belong on the road and people stay on the sidewalk. Understanding where vehicles and people should be will help them learn not to wander.
• Holding hands: Each time you’re near a road or parking lot, make sure they knows they must hold your hand, or the hand of another grown-up. If your hands are full, have them hang onto your shirt or pants at all times.
• Play safely: It’s common for a toddler who doesn’t know any better to want to chase a ball that rolls away, and if they’s playing outside, this may mean they’ll want to chase it into the street, if that’s where it went. Let them know that when you’re outdoors, it’s important to stop and let an adult retrieve any toys that get away.
• Use simple language: In a way that they can understand, tell Baby each time you’re out how important it is to stop and look both ways before crossing a road, or even through a parking lot. Repeat these steps each time you’re crossing so it becomes automatic.
• Look for crosswalks: Show Baby crosswalks when you’re out and about, and describe what they do, even if you’re not crossing at that moment. Let them know that when you’re crossing, you need to stay inside the special lines in order to be safe.
• Teach about signals: When you’re waiting to cross, press the button for the crosswalk, and show them what each signal means. This will help them understand when it’s safe to go, and can help following road safety rules feel more fun.
• Time it right: It’s no secret that darkness, or inclement weather, can reduce visibility for drivers. When possible, time your errands and other outings during the day, and use extra caution when venturing out in unpleasant weather conditions.

Teaching about street safety early on is an important lesson to ensure children’s safety, and the way in which you explain how to remain safe will change as Baby gets older. For now, start with the basics, using simple language and remaining consistent so they knows what to expect when you’re near traffic. Since they follows your lead, remember to be a good role model, abiding by the rules you set forth each time so they knows to be consistent.