Understanding gender and orientation

The first step to being a good teacher to your child when it comes to explaining gender and orientation is making sure you are a star student. That means reading up on the latest terminology and trends, challenges and celebrations of people in the full range of diversity. Visiting LGBTQ+ organizations’ websites is a great way to start, as is joining some LGBTQ+ or ally parenting groups on social media and reading the conversation threads. Taking time to digest the relevant news and background is an important way to prepare to then impart that knowledge to your child.

Keep it casual

Conversations about gender or orientation with your child do not need to be serious or warrant standalone formal family meetings. Incorporate those learning moments into everyday life in real-time. This will both help contextualize the discussion and embed the topic into mundane moments – because gender and orientation are very much a normal part of our everyday lives!

For instance, if your toddler says, “You can’t do that! That’s for boys!” This is the perfect teaching moment to let them know that there is no such thing as activities, toys, clothes, behaviors that are inherently for girls or boys. You can give some examples of people you know who buck those stereotypes. Or else seek out media, TV shows, movies, books, or games that offer a different perspective. Watch or read with them and take time to discuss. 

It comes down to using plain language to describe what are really some basic concepts. Gender is who we know ourselves to be. It exists on a spectrum and can even change. Orientation is who we love, whether romantically or sexually or not, and it’s based on our gender. It’s that simple. Kids get it.

Teach affirmatively 

Rather than pointing out what your child is saying or doing incorrectly, or talking about the hardships that people face when they don’t fit into the status quo, lean into more affirmative postures when you talk about gender or orientation. 

Actively communicate with them about how there are different types of people in the world, people who represent all the colors and shades of the rainbow and everyone in between. Explain across a broad spectrum when it comes to how people act or look or dress, as well as who they love. Listen to their questions and observations and affirm them, while adding to what they say to deepen their understanding of identity, and of gender and orientation.

Give them room to explore

Kids like to explore and they like to pretend. It’s how they begin to make sense of this chaotic and confusing world, and importantly, it’s how they begin to discover who they are and understand what their place in this world might be. 

Give your child the freedom, space, and support to explore. They might want to wear a tutu one day and a construction hat the next. Or both at the same time! They might say they are a girl one day and a boy the next. They might say they want to marry a girl or a boy. There is no need to attribute any of your own biases onto their innocent reflections and feelings. Simply let them be and love them fully.  

Some of these conversations may feel uncomfortable for us, but kids are actually well-equipped, maybe even better equipped, than adults, to comprehend the world’s natural diversity and to embrace different types of people. Perhaps the most important thing we can do is let them teach us!

Read more

• Birth certifications and second parent adoption
• Celebrate Pride all year long with these inclusive LGBTQ children’s books 

Hmmm…this is kind of a dilemma, isn’t? How do you tell your firstborn, who is the sole recipient of your parental love and affection, that you will also love someone else really soon? If you look at it from a certain angle, I think it somewhat fits the definition of cheating – and that can hurt real bad.

So how does a parent explain?

I had this problem years ago. I was ready for another baby. My husband was, too. Actually, we’ve been emotionally locked in on having another child. But our firstborn wasn’t. He was only three at that time, so the concept of a little human being was – how should I say it? – weird.

The transition would’ve been much easier if he was in his tweens, at the very least. I could have easily explained the concept the way most things are explained at this day and age: Google it, kid. Just Google it.

Easy. Simple. Fast. 100% headache-free.

But the thing is, explaining to your child that he or she is going to have a sibling doesn’t end there. Of course, you want them to have a bond that will be a foundation for the future sibling revelry.

Thanks to DNA, siblings are genetically programmed to love each other, so that’s one less thing to worry about.

Ah, but then there’s jealousy, attention-seeking behavior, and competition. All natural human traits that are exaggerated by a new baby’s arrival.

Here are the strategies we used when we introduced the idea of a sibling to our firstborn:

Pre-delivery stage

We kept him in the loop all the time – from doctor visits to buying things for the new baby. We wanted him to get excited over the idea that he was going to have a brother soon.

We also showed and told him that he would be loved exactly the same, even with the arrival of the baby, but we cautioned him that there would be times when our attention would be focused more on the baby than on him, simply because babies can’t do anything by themselves.

There were times when we would visit our friends who have babies just to show him how small and fragile they are…and cute, too!

Post-delivery stage

With all the hype that we’d created, our eldest was so excited about having a new sibling that he demanded that he take care of the baby as well. We allowed him to do everything he was capable of.

If the baby needed a nappy change, I would ask him to bring me a fresh one, or hand me the tube of nappy cream. I would also ask him to gently massage the baby’s back while I was holding him to burp him. He was so proud that he was able to help like this.

Little things like that made him feel so important, and that was really our goal. It’s so much easier to introduce a second child to the first one when the first is already confident about where he stands.

There were still a couple of headache-inducing episodes, of course. But those are topped by the good ones.

About the author: Len D.C. is an RN by chance, a web content specialist by choice, and a mother by fate.

Pre-reading skills this year

Your toddler may already have some pre-reading skills, like the ability to connect a picture of something in a book with the idea of what it’s a picture of in real life – they might see a picture of a cat in a book and point to Fluffy as she runs across the room and under the couch, for example. They may point to pictures in books when you ask them where a certain object or character is on the page, and they may even be starting to make the connection between the words you’re saying to them out loud, and the shapes of the letters on the page you’re reading off of. If they isn’t doing these things, there’s a good chance that they’ll start to soon. And as the year goes on, you’ll probably also start to notice them:

• Starting to understand story and narrative: This might come in the form of getting a little scared for a character in a book during a suspenseful part, giggling with you when something silly happens in the book, and being able to answer questions about the story.
• Becoming more engaged with reading: This might look like having a favorite book, remembering what it looks like and picking it out to read again, finishing sentences along with your when you read a much-loved book to them, or noticing if you change a word or phrase.
• Understanding the mechanics of reading: This might look like holding a book and pretending to read, turning or trying to turn the pages of a book, knowing to hold the book right-side-up or even turning the pages going from front to back, and scribbling on paper in a way that might start to imitate writing.

Encouraging pre-reading

One of the most basic ways to encourage toddlers’ early reading skills is just to make sure their language skills are as strong as possible. Spoken language is the base most children build their understanding of written language off of, and the stronger they are as communicators in general, the more easily they’ll be able to transition to written communication.

As always, the best way to build your toddler’s language skills is just to talk to them, as often and as engagingly as you can. Talking about their interests is a great way to get your little one involved in the conversation, but talking about your interests, or about the world around you and them, is a great way to introduce new vocabulary and concepts. Having a wide variety of conversations with Baby is the best way to engage with them, and to make sure their language abilities keep growing as fast as they is.

A note on dropping the “pre-”

While it’s possible for toddlers to start learning to read at very young ages, or at least to start memorizing in ways that can start to lead to reading, there is no proof that starting to read earlier than their peers is helpful for young children in the long run. Toddlers who read early may be ahead of their classmates in terms of academics for a few years – or they may not, or they may just be a little extra bored in class for a few years – but there is no evidence that this advantage, if it is an advantage, lasts longer than a few years.

In the end, it comes down to supporting your toddler’s interests. If they is interested not just in being read to, but in figuring out how to read for themselves at an early age, they may look to you to help them, and that’s wonderful. If, on the other hand, they is still more interested in being the listener at storytime, there’s nothing wrong with letting them sit back and be read to for a few more years, before it’s time for them to start reading for themselves. And even when it looks like they is just listening to a story, they is building stronger and stronger pre-reading skills every day.

Sources

• Michelle Anthony. “Language and Literacy Development in 0-2 Year Olds.” Scholastic. Scholastic Inc. Retrieved June 28 2017. http://www.scholastic.com/parents/resources/article/stages-milestones/language-and-literacy-development-0-2-year-olds.
• Laura Scholes. “Should my young child already be reading?” Great! Schools. GreatSchools. Retrieved June 28 2017. http://www.greatschools.org/gk/articles/young-children-reading/.
• Carol A. Quick. “Reading Milestones.” KidsHealth. The Nemours Foundation, May 2013. Retrieved June 28 2017. http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/milestones.html. 

Toddlers can be pretty rough-and-tumble, and though Baby probably doesn’t mean to cause any pain or harm, the fact is that at this age, they may not know everything they’s capable of. This can lead to a tricky situation when it comes to playing with friends, interacting with pets, and especially meeting a new sibling.

It’s important for Baby to learn how to be gentle, but the way you approach the topic is essential when it comes to making sure they’s going to pay attention to what you have to say. Here are some tips in teaching them not just how but also why they might want to be more gentle.

• Set expectations: Baby is learning how they should behave based on what they picks up around them. This includes soaking up your behavior, so setting an example by acting the way you want them to act is just as important as the things you teach them directly. When playing with the family dog, for example, show them how to do soft touches and not to overwhelm the animal. The more they sees your consistent, affectionate interactions, the more inclined they will be to act the same way.
• React appropriately: Of course, you want to nip unwanted behavior in the bud, but be sure you’re reacting without overreacting. If your toddler misbehaves out of jealousy, maybe after the arrival of a new sibling, getting a strong negative reaction from you may just prompt them to do the same thing again, if what’s been missing is your attention. Instead, try to correct their behavior simply, and then move on from the situation.
• Discuss feelings: If Baby is playing too rough with their friends, you’ll want to address this for many reasons. For starters, their playmate’s parents may not want their child to play with them, and having the chance to interact with children their own age is an important part of their development. If Baby is getting too rough, it’s important for you to step in, since it’s your job to set limits for Baby, and other parents may feel uncomfortable doing so. If you need to, pull Baby aside and ask them how they would feel if their friend hit them while they were playing. This may sound obvious, but young children often need the prompt to look at the situation from a different perspective, and realize it doesn’t feel nice to others.

Concern over “rough” behavior is common among parents of toddlers, especially between the ages of 2 and 3, but is typically an issue that can be corrected with patience and consistency. Offering a calm environment, taking note when Baby seems stressed or overwhelmed, can help you find the root of aggressive behavior, and teach them to replace it with better ways to deal with their frustration. If you’re concerned that they seems especially forceful or combative, or if their aggression seems to be getting worse, it may be helpful to consult their doctor for further advice.

There’s a reason it’s such an important milestone when your toddler says their first words, but that doesn’t mean words are the only way their language skills are growing. Toddlers get better at communicating in words, but they also get much better at expressing themselves using their bodies as they grow from one-year-olds into more-year-olds. More than that, encouraging toddlers’ nonverbal communication and communication through body language is an important part of encouraging their verbal skills as well.

Body language supporting verbal skills

When toddlers start to get good at making their feelings known by gesturing, pointing, and asking with their eyes, it can feel like a step back from verbal communication, but in reality, a developing understanding of body language is an important counterpoint for the development of verbal language. It might seem like responding to nonverbal communication isn’t a great way to encourage Baby to use their words, but recognizing and encouraging their efforts to communicate through body language, signs, and pointing, as well as through words, encourages them to keep trying new things, and boosts their confidence in their ability to make themselves understood. If you understand what they is asking for when they points to their stuffed kitty, saying “You want the kitty?” and handing the toy to them and is actually a great way to encourage them to take more risks with their language in the future, like trying new words, new phrases, and maybe even some attempts at sentences.

Body language as a stepping stone

Body language is the first kind of language Baby ever learned, but it starts out one-sided – when they was younger, they started out by instinctively physically reacting to what they felt and wanted. The communication began when you, your partner, or another caregiver, noticed and interpreted what they was reacting to and responded, giving your then-infant their first understanding of the fact that they can have an effect on their environment, and the way they reacts with their body can have an effect on the world around them.

Their language skills have grown a lot since those very first steps towards language, but your toddler’s verbal skills are still pretty new, and may not feel quite natural yet. This means that, when they is agitated, tired, or upset, they may be more likely to fall back into communication through gestures, body language, and crying to get their point across.

On the other hand, though, growing language skills often happen at the same time that body language and gestures are starting to grow more complex. The development of language is closely related to the way toddlers play in that it starts to develop at around the time that imaginative play, or “playing pretend,” starts to emerge. This is probably related to the development of symbolic thinking. Words are some of the first symbols children encounter, and they can be used to describe and stand in for just about anything in the world. Once children start to understand that they can use words to indicate something as simple as more milk in their cereal, or as complex as another human being, it makes sense that they’ll also start to understand that the shiny toy car in the living room is a stand-in for the giant vehicle you bring them around town in – or that blowing a kiss is a stand-in for the way they will miss you when you’re gone.

Encouraging both verbal and body language

The main way you teach Baby about body language is by modeling it to them, in the way your body communicates your moods to them when you talk. When you communicate with Baby nonverbally, whether you mean to or not, you’re teaching them to communicate with you nonverbally right back.

Just like body language, you’re teaching Baby to speak every time you talk to them. If you want to, though, you can encourage your toddler to communicate what they wants from you in a more active way every now and then, especially if they is a little reluctant to communicate. You can do this by encouraging Baby to ask for what they wants, either verbally or using nonverbal cues, by putting objects just a little bit out of their reach.

This can feel kind of, well, mean, but as long as it’s just something you do every now and then, not maliciously, and not to frustrate them, but just enough to make them feel the need to express what they wants, it isn’t going to do any harm. You can also “forget” parts of Baby’s routine, when you’re feeding them breakfast, or getting them ready for bed, so that they can notice and catch you, and let you know what you’ve “forgotten.”

Sources

• Rachel Cortese. “Helping Toddlers Expand Language Skills.” Child Mind. Child Mind Institute. Web.
• Kate Kelly. “At A Glance: Helping Your Child Understand Body Language.” Understood. Understood.Org. Web.
• “Reading baby body language.” Raising Children. Raising Children Network, November 16 2015. Web.
• “Understanding Your Child’s Development: Reading Your Child’s Cues From Birth to Age 2.” The Center for Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning, Vanderbilt University. Web.

You were so happy when Baby spoke their first words, and you were even happier when they started to learn more. They isn’t prepping for their college exams yet, but knowing more words could help them out in school as early as kindergarten. More than that, though, the more Baby knows how to say, the more they will be able to say to you!
 

Your child’s vocabulary is going to expand rapidly in the coming months and years. According to the National Center for Infants, Toddlers, and Families, at about 12 months, Baby probably has one or two simple words under their belt, like mama or dada. By 18 months, their vocabulary will take off, usually to about 20 to 50 words. By age 2, they might be putting words together to make their first sentences, and they will know between 20 and 200 words. How can you give Baby a helping hand?

Talk to them

Obviously, you talk to Baby all the time, but for expanding their vocabulary, it can help to take some time every day to be really intentional about the words you’re using. Sometimes this just means talking at your child, but they will probably still process any new words they hears, especially if you avoid baby talk. Talk about your day, tell them stories, and describe what you’re doing while you’re doing it.

Ask open-ended questions 

Verbalize your observations 

Use many, several, varied words

Read a book! 

Children’s vocabulary in preschool correlates with reading comprehension in upper elementary school, so reading and vocab will be closely tied throughout Baby’s life. Look for books that ask questions and have interactive elements so that Baby can find and name things in the book. Ask questions while you read, and name the pictures in the books.

This is a learning process for you and Baby, so remember to be supportive as you learn together. Don’t correct them when they makes mistakes, just repeat the correct pronunciation, and translate for others if they can’t understand what they is saying. If Baby says “guck” for “truck,” say, “Yes, you do have a truck; I love that it’s red!” You two will be chatting it up in no time.

Sources

• “Developing School Readiness Skills From 12-24 Months.” Zero to Three. Zero to Three, 2016. Web.
• Mary E. Dahlgren. “Oral language and Vocabulary Development. U.S. Department of Education. U.S. Department of Education, 2008. Web.
• Nell. K. Duke, Annie M. Moses. “10 Research-Tested Ways To Build Children’s Vocabulary.” Scholastic. Scholastic Inc, 2003. Web.
• Michelle Pauli. “What books should I read with my 18-month-old?” The Guardian. The Guardian, August 24 2015. Web.

The obvious

Baby is more likely to say words that they has heard before, right? Chances are, they isn’t going to come up with “antidisestablishmentarianism” on their own. Words that they hears a lot have an even better chance of making the cut – words like ‘mama,’ ‘dada,’ and the family dog’s name might come up a lot, so they’re going to be in their head more often. Other words they hears a lot, like names of their favorite foods or toys, or colors or animals that are identified in a favorite picture book have a pretty good shot as well.

One of the other more obvious factors is that Baby has never spoken before, so they is more likely to start with smaller words, before graduating up into the multisyllabic ones. And remember, this isn’t a task-oriented process for Baby – they isn’t just going for a word they can say, it’s got to be a word they wants to say, so the things they loves have a good shot, too, whether that’s balls, bubbles, green beans, or garbage trucks.

The not-so-obvious

Babies like repeating sounds. It’s probably no coincidence that ‘kiddie’ words include a lot of repeating consonants, so not just ‘mama,’ and ‘dada,’ but also things like ‘kitty-cat,’ and ‘puppy’ are options on Baby’s menu of words Baby could choose from.

Some babies prefer to start with hard, definitive consonants, so Baby might get to ‘dada’ a bit sooner than ‘mama.’ On the other hand though, some babies use their fixation on faces to learn sounds that are really visible when watching you talk, like ‘m’ and ‘p,’ so Baby could pop out with one of those, as well!

Baby is a wild-card, so there’s no way to know what they will say first, and when, but now you’re armed to take a pretty educated guess. Baby’s biggest influence is you, even if what that influence will be is also unpredictable, so go forth and have a conversation with your pre-verbal infant! You never know what they is taking in just to store up and say back to you later.

And sure, fine-motor-skill development and the sound of your voice are things that Baby is going to be able to get from you outside of story time, too, but an analysis of many different studies done by the Center for Early Literacy Learning in 2012 suggests that if you read to Baby early and often, it could be a great way to give them a head start in terms of communication and language development, so why wouldn’t you give it a shot?

Engagement

You already know that the sound of your voice is soothing to Baby, and that they likes to stick close to you. Reading together can be a great way to both indulge in and strengthen that bond. Plus, reading together can be a great part of Baby’s end-of-the-day, winding-down-before-bed routine.

Vocabulary

Children who start school with limited vocabularies in comparison to the other children in their class have a hard time catching up in school, and starting kindergarten with fewer words in their back pocket could affect Baby’s education for years into the future. Reading together is a great way to expose Baby to new words early on. Even if they doesn’t take them in right away, the familiarity that comes with having new words come up in their life regularly will help them out.

On your mark, get set, read!

More than anything, reading with Baby should be fun for both of you, so enjoy yourself! Read with voices, make sure to speak each word clearly, take a little extra time to explore the pictures with Baby, or even turn the words into a little song – experiment a little, and find what works for you and Baby.